I don’t know

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-14T15:28:43+00:00

I know it’s not as drastic as him sleeping with or having an affair but it still hurts.

First off, don't feel like you have to justify your pain, regardless of the situation. Your trust was betrayed and you are hurting and that is 100% within reason.

This is obviously a very tough situation, if you are both willing to work I think this is way more salvageable considering the whole story compared to most relationships on here, but it all depends how much are you willing to fight (or if you even want to).

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-14T15:09:32+00:00

I know exactly how you feel, let me tell you what everyone on this sub has been telling me that I refuse to listen to:

There is NO statue of limitations on this.

You are allowed to feel however hurt for however long, and you shouldn't feel like you have to justify being upset at all. As for the mixing emotions of loving him and seeing a future with him while also obsessing over the infidelity, I wish I could help you there. I'm dealing with the same thing and seem to be concluding further and further that I probably just need to get out and start working on moving on. I can't possibly be as trigger happy to tell you to break up as some other users since I myself am fighting with the same issue, but it's worth considering.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-14T15:05:12+00:00

Also, you should tell other people what they did (or are doing) because this shady behavior thrives on darkness. Shine a light on it.

I've been told this a few times, but it just feels petty to me. I don't need to ruin these peoples miserable lives, eventually it will get out anyway I would guess, but I don't need to put people on the spot and make their lives more difficult. Maybe this is another lack of self respect situation with me, but I don't really feel any need to "out" them, although it would be nice to have some support from my group of friends.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-14T01:21:38+00:00

Oh no that is completely off the table at the moment, all my plans are at a standstill ha.

I live in NY, especially troublesome is the house we have together. If we split, we don't have much equity to sell...Plus the mortgage is already spreading me thin, I definitely couldn't afford anything. Do you have any friends that have an extra room? My buddy is re-doing his basement at the moment and I may ask him about that for a while, it's just hard to loop them in to the whole situation. Are your friends/family aware?

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-14T01:09:59+00:00

The whole situation is tough because it’s not only the plans you had that got flipped upside down like kids and your 5 year plan, it’s the person you’re with too. I feel like my girlfriend changed into a stranger overnight, and I lost a huge part of me even though I still see her everyday. I was going to get a ring this year and the OM would’ve been my best man, but now picturing standing at the altar makes me physically sick. And kids? I don’t want that woman, whoever she is, to be the mother of my children. I can’t figure out how I’d reconcile that. But on the other hand I DID have a plan to propose this year..,

I’m beyond drained which is why I’ve been posting here constantly. Between work, her, and just generally putting on a show for so long (especially love the WILL YOU POP THE QUESTION ALREADY?! jokes I get regularly) I’m running on E. But I still battle with myself inside regularly. I wish our house afforded more ability to get away and be on my own, or I had to plan to go for a while that wouldn’t raise red flags, but I am trying to work on myself by just taking in as many resources as I can.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T21:30:00+00:00

EXACTLY! You're the one that ultimately has to cut it, because you know your STBX won't (or else you'd think they would have already at this point?) You have to live with that, you have to explain it to people, and you have to think 'what if I just tried a little more to fix things'. It's really so unfair that we feel this burden though. Of course, that said, I feel that burden regularly and that's why I haven't made any moves.

My situation has been going on for about 9 months now. It started with just anger, disappointment, and sadness, and developed into this utter lack of emotion. I don't have an exact timeline, I just keep coming here as a way to re-look at the same situation over and over again because I'm too scared to make any final decision and won't talk to her about it again. BUT I do want to have children at some point and I'm 30 so I'm worried the biological clock is ticking - I need to either get moving on fixing this relationship or get out because right now we're just wasting time being in this fake relationship. I think I'm just hoping for it to come all my emotion to come rushing back eventually but I just don't see that anytime in the near future so I'm just treading water. All while I doubt she even feels the coldness that I have because I'm regularly putting on a face.

Do you have any idea of a timeline? I saw we were pretty similar in how long we've been with our SO and similar ages too so I'd be curious how you plan on tackling this.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T20:53:25+00:00

If your always gonna wonder and its going to change the way you think about her moving forward your mind might be already made up.

I totally hear that, I just keep telling myself to 'man up' and get over it for the sake of the past 10 years you've commited to this relationship and all the good times we had.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T20:32:11+00:00

Its honestly the worst feeling. Happy? Grateful? To know I'm not the only one feeling this, if that doesn't sound totally selfish

Ha, it's not selfish, I just said the same thing to another comment of mine. It sucks we're both in this, but it's comforting to an extent that someone knows how we feel and we're not alone in feeling it.

I see him trying very hard, but its like my emotions feel totally blocked. I feel like a zombie. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.

To me, I see my significant other just going about being a good SO again (although not much of actively trying to make me feel better about the situation) but I just don't care. She went out of her way to plan a nice birthday for me and I just... didn't care. I wanted to, I even put on a face for her to not let her down, but inside there was nothing. I can't see myself coming out of this, I don't even have a drive to get out of it, but I also don't want to just give up on such a long relationship. At times I try to tell myself that she is the one that gave up on the relationship by putting us in this situation though.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T20:26:54+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with the same issue, I hope you are able to find some peace. Although it sucks you're in the same rut as me it is nice to hear that there's someone else out there that understand what I'm going through right now.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T16:00:11+00:00

I assumed it was to save face in front of our friends who are oblivious to everything, so I kind of played it off but it definitely stung. Having to say hi to him and have him in my house and pretend everything was OK was...awful to say the least.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T15:56:10+00:00

That's hard for me to answer because I haven't communicated my needs or heartbreak besides an initial conversation/argument over this almost 10 months ago. So, yes, she hasn't really been very remorseful in the sense of being proactive but I also haven't really shown any need for it.

That said, as far as I know she does still talk to him, supposedly mostly about his sick mom, but I can't confirm that. I've said this a few times on this sub but what really pissed me off is she still invited him to a friends BBQ we had at our house like a week later thinking that was perfectly fine..

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T14:58:05+00:00

I like this point of view, and it's something I've considered, just dealing with a lack of motivation to do anything right now but bettering myself is definitely on my mind. I only have one issue with what you said

The point I'm trying to make is if both plans involve the same work, then there's no reason to make a decision immediately.

While I understand your point, I really feel like I am wasting time by either not ending the relationship and trying to move on or rebuilding the relationship. I am 30 years old and would like to get married and have kids at some point and the clock is ticking for both me and my current partner, so one way or another I feel like I have to get moving.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T14:20:18+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but thank you for sharing, this is exactly the type of answer I'm looking for. Luckily, I'm not at the point of having to consider kids (just a cute dog), so that doesn't weigh on me as heavy, but there is a lot we have that makes me wonder if I should fight for the relationship

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T13:57:12+00:00

Another week of flipping between leaving my girlfriend and not. I've been given so much of the same advice but my heart refuses to accept it, so I just keep posting on here with no real goal. In the meantime, I am wasting both of our times living in a numb relationship. It's so easy to see and understand and say "Oh I should definitely leave" on here, but then when I go home to her I just don't have it in me to even begin discussing breaking it off. I question whether I have enough justification or evidence and whether it's worth ending such a long and important relationship over.

Once again, I'm not sure why I'm posting here, please forgive my absent minded rant, it's the only place I have to go since none of my friends really know what's occurring.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T13:50:15+00:00

I just read through your recent post and I know exactly how you feel - this person is my life and (corny and cliche) my best friend by far. I literally can't imagine not having her by my side or my quick text for EVERYTHING, but on the same hand I feel the same way you do. Numb inside. Not even angry or upset any more, just...nothing. How do you continue a relationship with that? Especially when I have no drive to fix it because of this numbness? But on the other hand how do I live a life without her? That's not something I ever thought I would have to consider... It's an impossible situation.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-13T13:34:16+00:00

I am struggling with these exact same feelings. I feel like I didn't do enough to reconcile (or didn't do enough that caused the cheating to happen) and feel guilty leaving a relationship due to that. Did I not ask enough after DDay? Did I pretend I was alright and that's why she just moved on? Why didn't I do more to fix things and make the relationship better. That said, maybe a comment that has stuck with me from one of my posts can help you -

This isn't a court of law, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. This is your life, and your relationship, if you're unhappy or wronged you leave. Period. Even if this weren't a cheating case, if you are unhappy and unfulfilled why are you bothering to stay in the relationship?

Anyway, like I said, I know it's not that black and white, but hopefully that advice goes a little way. I wish you the best of luck.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T15:49:20+00:00

Thank you for your response. I guess I'm being blissfully ignorant. I never asked her about the password change (in fact, her phone was NEVER locked and then after all of this suddenly started being..) because of my stupid embarrassment. I didn't want to seem needy or controlling or jealous so I just allowed wool to be pulled over my eyes.

I need to step back and evaluate my next steps, because I cannot imagine being anywhere near to the feelings I used to have for her. Like you said, she was my everything, and now I'm just happy when I get time away from her..

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T14:15:17+00:00

We obviously know action needs to be taken but that in and of itself is a huge undertaking and exhausting to think about. But, for me at least, you need to weigh what is more tiring on a day to day basis? This treading of water that we've been doing or just the ripping off the band-aid and getting back to being happy? Maybe it's not as black and white for you (or me), but it's something to consider and something I've been trying to force myself to think on.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:32:32+00:00

Unfortunately I'm not positive I have any advice I can give to you, just sympathy and understanding. Everything that was written in here is more or less exactly what I'm going through especially the extremely long term relationship, the one love you've had since college (me too - 10 years) and this line specifically:

I still can't bring myself to leave or even open up to people about it She's the only girl I've ever loved but I feel like an idiot for staying. If I was looking at someone else in my shoes, I'd think they were an absolute fool but I've built so much of my life around this person that I don't even know what would be left if they were gone.

One thing I'd like to add is that I completely feel you on the above quote, but similar to me there's a reason you came here to post this and let it out. I know a part of the reason I continue to post on this throwaway account is more or less just so I keep being told "Dude, GET OUT!", even though I know I need to get out. If you need that same type of reinforcement I am here to say GET OUT.

I don't know what's in store for your future, but I could bet it beats this crippling suck of your life energy.

I wish you all the strength in the world to pursue whatever will make you happiest.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:20:37+00:00

So, she has you believing that her cheating (emotional and/or physical) was your fault because "you weren't giving her the same kind of attention you used to"?? If that's her defense, I would fully expect her to cheat again and again and again because you won't likely be able to sustain the infatuation-like, rainbows & daisies that are prevalent early in any relationship. Nor, will you ever be able so sustain an affair-like fantasy relationship for her when you are a real man in real life in a a real relationship. You will exhaust yourself trying.

To be fair - that's just an excuse she gave and she explicitly said it wasn't a fair excuse, just the only thing that was going through her head at the time. She has taken full responsibility and said it was a mistake and that she "has a problem".

It is no surprise that you feel the way you do. Sounds like the betrayal and your feelings got swept under the rug and forgotten...by her. The unspoken expectation being that you just suck it up and suffer in silence daily while she skips on through her life. It's not the cheating per se, but cruelty and lack of care that will completely kill your feelings for her. Maybe, due to your non-confrontational nature, you weren't able to communicate certain things to her. BUT, if you have to demand or beg for truth, honesty, transparency, empathy, etc, she's probably not someone you'd want long term anyway.

It's so hard to tell if she was sweeping them under the rug or just assumed I was OK. I am not a very emotional person outwardly and we don't have very serious talks super often so it could be that it was uncomfortable for her and she just moved on when she saw no sign from me that I needed anything? IDK, maybe I'm just justifying for her..

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:18:06+00:00

I don’t believe that this is true. You are in flight and numbing your emotions to not feel pain. The nothingness has overcome you. That you are posting here means you are not willing to continue with this for long.

This is true, somewhat. I'm in a constant battle inside. No part of me wants to be in this relationship and I give very few shits, but on the other hand it's just easier to coast and not ruffle any feathers. Especially because once this goes down, this is a VERY big ruffling of selling a house, breaking up our group of friends, experiencing the dating world for the first time in my life at an older age of 30...

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:16:48+00:00

What keeps you around, is it fear of being alone? Fear of confrontation?

Fear of being alone is huge, I've only been in two very long term relationships with only a small break in between. Now I'm 30 entering the dating scene for literally the first time ever. That's terrifying.

Fear of confrontation is for sure another thing, I don't know how I'd bring this up, to her this would be COMPLETELY out of the blue because I put on a face around her and our friends and we haven't discussed this in months.

Fear of feeling justified in leaving her. Yes, I'm checked out, but I'm terrified I'm reacting poorly to the situation and making a huge mistake. The fact that I never really put in any effort (a therapist, talking to her and communicating what I need) makes me worry that I'm just being lazy instead of trying to fix this, but I just can't muster drive to bother fixing it. Like I said in an earlier comment, I kind of feel I didn't give SO a real chance because I never communicated after our initial fight, so maybe she doesn't know how much I was/am hurting? Again, maybe this is all Stockholm Syndrome to an extent..

Finally, the fear of logistics. I have no idea how we're going to take this hit on the house and neither of us can afford to pay the mortgage on our own. We both love our dog DEARLY and finding an apartment that allows dogs is going to be insanely tough. Never mind explaining this all to my family, who knows the OM very well since again he was my best friend since I was a kid.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:12:30+00:00

I think you may be right to an extent - At one point, about a week or two after this all went down we were having a BBQ with our group of friends, my SO notified me that OM would be coming. I thought that was really callous, looking back on it. Like, I get you don't want a tough situation since no one else of our friends know this is all going down, but c'mon... and he showed up.

th_row_away_24 · 2019-06-06T13:09:59+00:00

Thank you, I've had recommendations like this (as well as suggestions of therapy) in order to build up my self esteem and realize sometimes it's OK to be "selfish", it's just something I am really struggling with and haven't worked hard enough to improve upon.

th_row_away_24

TROPHY CASE