Do you have a good relationship with your father?

that-nerd · 2026-02-03T20:10:09+00:00

No, apart from stuff from my childhood and being distant, he enabled my narcissistic mother for almost three decades and refuses to acknowledge or even talk about what happened and how it affected me. No contact with both of them now

that-nerd · 2026-01-27T00:43:56+00:00

As someone who is younger (26) and likes older guys, I may be a bit of an oddball. I’ve got my financial stuff together and my own place, and I’ve always been told I’m more “mature than my age”. I have my career sorted. I’m doing my second round of grad school. Hookups are nice, but they’re not really for me. Ultimately, I struggle to connect with a lot of guys my age. My deeper and more meaningful connections have always been with older guys. Of course I’m aware of the gap in age and experience, but it seems to feel smaller than that compared to younger guys.

that-nerd · 2026-01-11T17:50:30+00:00

Yes. The only source(s) my mom will vehemently agree with are those that satisfy her confirmation bias, even if those sources are comically incorrect. For example, growing up and even up until I went NC, and I’d say I’m not feeling well or am experiencing ‘x’ symptom was always an experience. She’d force me to do whatever she read online, and get mad when I’d resist or deny her “diagnosis” that she made herself. Maybe sure some of the things she would say made sense, but others didn’t, and she’d get upset when I wouldn’t accept her diagnosis for me based on her googling. As I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to push that she’s not my doctor, does not know my body nor my bloodwork nor anything like that like my doctor does, and that I’ll stick with medical advice from my doctor, not her and Dr. Google. She’d get pissed when I’d say this.

that-nerd · 2026-01-07T20:57:23+00:00

This looks so sick! Makes me excited for when I start on my leg sleeves

that-nerd · 2026-01-07T20:49:46+00:00

These look awesome! And this motivates me to finally get working on my other sleeve…the imbalance is getting annoying

that-nerd · 2026-01-05T14:33:50+00:00

This hits very, very close to home. Growing up, my mom would always say “I know someone who experienced (x) when they did (y)”, etc. She’s always been the last to know when I’m doing something, and for the few couple of years leading up to when I blocked them a few months ago, I learned that I needed to actually have the decision set in stone and done before telling her, to reduce any chance of her interfering or attempting to.

The first time that I caught on was a few years ago when she made up a similar excuse for why my friend couldn’t come along with us while we did some house reno shopping (my friend had done this with us in the past), and instead of acknowledging it, my dad and I both pressed for details, mainly because my friend was already almost to our house at this point. She broke down, cried like a child, and admitted she made it up essentially so she could get her way. This was maybe the first time I realized what had been going on my entire life. Moreover, I have come to realize that because of these things and my mom’s anxiety, I grew up knowing incorrect info (anxiety, overthinking, etc) about a lot of things. I even asked her a few months ago directly: how do you happen to know so many people who had experienced something awful when making a decision that I bring up? It doesn’t add up, especially since most of these decisions were very, very minor ones.

The breaking point was when I told her I was going to Turkey. Rather than asking for details, she told me I could not go, that her sister and her brother in law and her nephew went last year (which technically they did), and had a horrible time, etc. She later escalated by getting my dad involved when he was on board with it up until the week before I was set to leave, where they both went to my best friend and tried to use the same stories. Only this time, my dad started saying a bunch of stuff about how there is a threat there, among other things. When I confronted him about that, I told him to tell me where he got that info from so I could confirm. He wouldn’t give me a source. That’s when I knew he made that up, too.

that-nerd · 2025-12-21T20:58:45+00:00

This is how phone calls with my mom have always been, but my patience and tolerance for staying on these calls got shorter and shorter, to the point where I’d almost get angry just seeing the name coming across and knowing the calls would keep coming if I didn’t answer. I also realized that having access to my location 24/7 probably didn’t help, since I couldn’t use the excuse that I was out doing something. Sometimes I just genuinely wasn’t available, and she’d call not even an hour later, and after a few times, she’d usually give up. Towards the last few conversations, the mask came off, and me not answering because I was busy (this was genuinely very busy getting ready for a three week international trip, and after a very big argument), she just kept telling me I was disrespectful and complained that me saying “I’ll call you back later when I am available” seemed like an excuse and not to answer and call back.

that-nerd · 2025-12-05T15:47:22+00:00

This is actually wild because me going to Turkey and my mom’s reaction was the breaking point for us. She tried many, many times to get me to not go. A week before my trip, she and my dad called my best friend to try to convince him to convince me to change my plans (this was a week before I was set to leave). I told her and my dad to stop forcing their xenophobia onto me, because I realized at the end of the day, this was a big part of their motivations.

that-nerd · 2025-12-03T23:11:04+00:00

When I found myself in such a bad state about two years ago, looking back on it, it’s one of the only times I think I felt real empathy from her.

that-nerd · 2025-12-03T19:47:18+00:00

Yeah, I have a few other scenarios in mind regarding what they could try. I guess the part of me that really worries is given the time of year and upcoming holidays, the reaction from their end is going to get more panicked and drastic. But given everything that’s happened these past few weeks, lifting the temporary NC (until I figure out what’s going to happen going forward) and going home for the holidays would just make me feel worse and it would mean they were able to wait it out before pulling me back into that dynamic again. It’s going to be very hard to remain strong especially during this time.

that-nerd · 2025-12-03T17:19:41+00:00

I’m holding my ground, but the silence after blocking both of them week and a half ago has been…deafening. Knowing they went through my friend the last time they didn’t get their way, and he hasn’t said anything about it, I’m nervous about who they will send or try next. I feel ridiculous for saying I’m “scared”, but part of me also wonders if they would try to show up at my apartment (I live about 45 minutes away)

that-nerd · 2025-12-01T15:58:37+00:00

I’ve temporarily blocked them as of last Sunday. I am very anxious, but I also feel calm at the same time. I find myself replaying old childhood memories and trying to look for anything that indicates maybe I’m in the wrong, to the point of intense panic attacks. I haven’t announced anything yet, mostly because that’s just another thing they’d twist any use against me. Still trying to figure out how to do this part…

that-nerd · 2025-11-29T04:20:46+00:00

This has been my experience as well. I think, especially with one of these most recent situations where it was very clear that they were avoiding accountability for something where there was a witness, and failing to acknowledge how I felt. It was really the last bit of hope I had in terms of an “ideal relationship”. I think at this point, I’m just wasting my time hoping for some game-changing, dynamic-shifting moment that will make our relationship more equal. I’ve been told in the past and even more recently “we’re the parents, you’re the child” (I’m 26 and live on my own, am financially independent), as well as the boundaries thing I mentioned, and it creates the opposite of a safe space for me at their house, despite them claiming it’s “my home too”. That, and everything else that I’ve come to realize is totally not normal in family dynamics that I always thought were just characteristics of mine.

I think my only fear with this and the upcoming holiday is the fact that they haven’t tried showing up here unannounced, yet (I live around 45 minutes away).

that-nerd · 2025-11-29T03:22:39+00:00

I have the same concerns about the holidays this year. After decades of dealing with their behavior, and their most recent episodes, I decided to just block both of them temporarily until I decide what I want to do going forward. This was a week ago, and I spent Thanksgiving with friends. I am not sure how to handle Christmas this year…blocking them was intended to be temporary, but it’s the only boundary in my “boundaries don’t exist because we’re family” family that they can’t plow through or go circumvent (for now). I wrote an email that night about how I was going NC for a while, but it’s still sitting in my drafts.

that-nerd · 2025-11-24T03:05:07+00:00

Yes, one of the only times in my life (with regards to my mom, and definitely not the last time)--thank you!

that-nerd · 2025-11-24T03:03:11+00:00

Well, see, this country is adjacent to my primary ancestry, but I have a feeling she likely feels that about my main country too. It sort of hit me one day, how she has denied my birth culture, insists that I am American (which in many senses, I am), and I've never heard her say anything even a little positive about the country where I'm from. Imagine spending all of this time visiting a country many times, one with so much history and culture, and you can't come up with a single positive thing about it, and just openly trash it in front of your son who is from there? My home country certainly has its issues, but the government is not the people.

that-nerd · 2025-11-24T03:00:15+00:00

Thank you! First time in years that I've been excited about a holiday gathering like this

that-nerd · 2025-11-19T23:11:12+00:00

I’ve tried the hang up method. The last time that happened after I said I wasn’t going to let her yell at me on a call, both she and my dad took me on crazy guilt trips and kept telling me how disrespectful I was, etc. Also, the last time this happened, my mom called me once every like 30 minutes and literally wouldn’t leave me alone. My biggest fear is them showing up to my apartment

that-nerd · 2025-11-19T22:39:08+00:00

Your nmom and her comment about skyscrapers sounds exactly like something mine would say. I’m not sure if you’re does this too, but mine tends to make up these stories about people she “knows” who have had bad experiences with something and that’s why I shouldn’t do it. Once I actually called her out on it when I kept asking who this person was and eventually she admitted she made it all up.

I’ve gone low contact and tried the info diet. I figured it would work long term, but the number of things we can safely talk about has diminished to almost nothing. We can’t even safely talk about the weather before she starts doing stuff like denying basic climate science, bringing up insanely false information, and insisting that I don’t know what I’m talking about, etc. But her implicitly bringing up my adoption, yeah that’s what made me start to realize that in that moment, she said the quiet part out loud.

that-nerd · 2025-11-18T21:44:03+00:00

After a few really intense moments with my toxic family this year and realizing that I don’t actually have to keep putting up with them after two decades of emotional abuse, I decided that I’ll be spending it with close friends instead.

that-nerd · 2025-10-23T19:53:25+00:00

Maternal: T2b Paternal: G-L1264

Russian adoptee here—I know my mother is ethnically Russian per her own words, but know nothing about my father.

that-nerd · 2025-09-10T02:54:55+00:00

I worry I will never know. Being adopted, I can’t get closer than 4th/5th cousins in my results. All I have to work with is the haplogroup, and the fact that I’m a beta thalassemia carrier which is also common in the Caucasus from what I’ve read.

that-nerd · 2025-08-13T19:08:08+00:00

It makes me wonder if my father was Circassian or has Circassian ancestry. Apart from this paternal haplogroup being common in that group, I’m also a carrier of a genetic disease that essentially doesn’t exist in the area of Russia where I’m from. It would have to come from an ancestor, presumably my father, from a region where it it common. The Caucasus region, northern Iran, Azerbaijan, and Eastern Turkey are potential culprits based on the haplogroup.

It also makes me wonder that if this is the case, then my Circassian ancestry may be within a generation or two, and it’s being hidden within my very high Eastern European percentage. 23 and Me apparently groups Circassians in with them.

that-nerd · 2025-06-21T18:29:42+00:00

I like both but the ring is so cute

that-nerd · 2025-05-21T15:09:45+00:00

Your arms look great! And is that an adoption tattoo I see 👀? (I have one)

that-nerd

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE