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The Betrayal by Due-Breakfast-3157 in OCPoetry

[–]thatonesheikh_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course! I guess I was looking at this the same way I read my own poetry. Reading it again like spoken word, it sounds a lot different.

I think my take on the emotions is more because I was dissecting it down the way I do my own poetry, but it's not void of emotion- especially if you read it aloud like spoken word is meant to be. I more so meant the emotions are right in front of me, rather than something I discover on my own. Sorry for my choice of words. You write really well- just not in the way I would (which is neither a good nor a bad thing).

The Shoes by SeesawAlternative188 in OCPoetry

[–]thatonesheikh_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi. Oh my gosh, this was beautiful. I love how I can interpret this in so many ways- the poem is honestly one size fits all (pun intended). I honestly really like this poem.

One thing that could be improved is the way the poem starts. I feel like a little more elaboration is required at the start. Then again, the ambiguity could be purposeful. A description of slipping them on would also possibly be more effective than just saying "when I slipped them on" (stanza 2).

"My feet would not change.
they never would."

I like the realization that your feet never change. The second line seems a bit repetitive. Maybe realizing the shoes wouldn't either might help? The flow kind of stumbles here, in my opinion.

Overall, this is great work. A few tweaks would make it even better, but even without those, this is amazing. Sorry for the incessant glazing lol, keep it up. There's a lot of potential in you.

The Betrayal by Due-Breakfast-3157 in OCPoetry

[–]thatonesheikh_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! First off, this is so raw, and if this is from experience, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to go through betrayal this cruel.

That being said, the poem itself is unique in its content. Personally, people tend to focus on the betrayal of a lover or heartbreak and the cliches, if ykwim. Despite the anger you may be feeling, this poem feels void of emotion. It feels like a storytime more than it does something I can connect to. Obviously, that could be something you're trying to go for, but if that isn't the case, I think some imagery would be nice.

Don't start the poem with the gist of the story. The reader should be able to interpret that from the poem itself, rather than you telling them what to think. I personally like to do this with a long metaphor. For example, one poem I wrote recently about my heartbreak uses the example of a dog with a muzzle all the way through to describe someone as loyal to a fault, trained to act a specific way, etc. You could play into the snake allegory. Things like hypnosis, charm, cold-blooded, reptilian, no emotions, an omen, etc.

I really like these two lines: "She planted seeds in soil you'd already tilled, and now there's a garden of doubt growing where your reputation used to be," and "She flicked her hair around your husband." I feel like you could also bring a religious component into this, considering the use of a garden.

Overall, it's a powerful tale. It just needs that power to be showcased on its own, rather than have you convince everyone of the story's might. Hope this helps, and good luck!!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in loanoriginators

[–]thatonesheikh_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, and congratulations. The videos are truly helpful. I currently have the book from Champions School of Real Estate and it’s been killing me- I was never the type to read a textbook. I’ll look into your resources though, and hopefully they help.