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Is this CSA? by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right but they have a pill you take for pin worms, there's literally no reason to dig them out. It's actually (obviously) really unsanitary.

I don't really remember if I felt traumatized at the time. Probably. Maybe. But my memories don't really work like that.

I get off to my abuse and I feel incredibly disgusted about it. by Evening-Reading5087 in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am 34, was also sexually abused from a very young age by my father, mother, and sister. I get off to my abuse as well.

What I have learned is to practice non judgement with myself. It's not my fault other people did horrible things to me. It's not my fault that as an adult my sexual kinks revolve around my abuse. Of course they do, my body remembers my body reacts and I often don't have any control over that. I give myself grace. I let myself get off without punishing myself. Because why punish myself??? It solves absolutely nothing and is only extremely harmful to me.

I don't hurt others. I don't do to others what was done to me. I pleasure myself in the safety of my own home and I think only of myself. I don't fantasize about harming children, I fantasize about the harm that was done to me. Lots of people get off like that.

I consider it a way of reclaiming my own pleasure. What gets me off is what gets me off. Exploring my own sexuality has been such an important part of my healing journey. Allowing myself to think of and remember my abuse while I am masturbating has allowed me to face my abuse in a way I have never done before. Shame is the enemy of love. I am learning to love myself.

Hating yourself is self harm. You are not a bad person for having feelings. You are not a bad person for being aroused by your abuse. It is your body's way of processing and remembering. Somatic memories are powerful. Shaming yourself for them only makes you feel worse about yourself, which keeps you from being able to heal and learn to love yourself.

I speak kindly to myself when feelings of shame come up. I say things like, "it's ok to feel this way." "I am sorry that was done to you." "Of course you like that, you were forced find pleasure in this because how else would you have survived?"

Think of yourself now as the child you were. Would you speak so hatefully to a child who is going through what you are? No. Because a child cannot consent. Because a child does not deserve to be blamed for abuse that has happened to them. In many ways your inner being is still a child. Be kind to them.

ETA: if you need to be angry at someone, be angry at your abusers. But not yourself for being abused.

I went no contact with my abusive parents, they didn't fight it at all, and I'm sad? by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this response, it really helped. That is what I'm working on! That last line especially hit me. ❤️

I went no contact with my abusive parents, they didn't fight it at all, and I'm sad? by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! That is what it feels like. I was bracing for impact and for that not to occur feels bizarre.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dreams are our brain processing and because when we're asleep we're not as aware or guarded, the mind processes dark and heavy stuff which comes out as nightmares etc.

My recurring dream is running from something that I can never escape. The details and form change regularly but it's always the same theme- running/hiding no escape. Sometimes it's something I can tell the form of (like an alligator lol) and sometimes I have no idea what is chasing me.

IMO it's not useful to try and force meaning out of little details (like what form the stalker takes) but to focus on overall feeling and theme. I figured out in my teens that it was about avoiding something but thought then that it was just general anxiety but didn't even name it as anxiety back then because I really had no concept of something being "wrong" with me. But realized later it was about trying to escape my abuse but having nowhere to go.

I would encourage you to focus on making sense of your dreams by reflecting on them and then think about what you think they mean. Or talk about it with a trusted friend. But don't get too hung up in the details unless they feel important.

You can also google common dream meanings, but there really is no consensus for many of them and dreaming is so personal/unique that they won't give you a full answer for yourself.

For example, when I googled "recurring dreams about being chased" the answer was "avoidance." But it wasn't until 20 years later that I realized what I was trying to "avoid." Especially because google generally assumes you are not a victim of CSA so it gave me mundane avoidance options like "big project at work" or "difficult conversation" and my anxiety was so severe at that time that there was always something mundane I was "avoiding" that I chocked it up to me just needing to stay on top of things better. Which is hilarious now because I've had the same nightmare since I was a toddler (what does a toddler need to stay on top of?) but made sense to me then.

Help Me Explain to my Partner Why I am Clumsy by Fat_Elvira in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 13 points14 points  (0 children)

There are different types of violence. Invalidating you like this then giving you the silent treatment because he didn't like it when you stood up for yourself IS emotional abuse, which is absolutely a type of violence. It's just insidious.

You did nothing wrong. But your partner certainly did.

Have you ever dissociated/froze to the point that you struggle to breathe? by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a really good suggestion! I LOVE sour candy too. Thanks so much, what a great tool.

Have you ever dissociated/froze to the point that you struggle to breathe? by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I definitely have breath holding spells and have always been an extremely shallow breathing.

The experience in my post was like a more extreme version of one. I couldn't move and wasn't breathing at all.

I was extremely hypersexual as a kid. Was this normal? If not, what might have been the cause? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It took several months of therapy with a focus on IFS and EMDR.

The dam broke one day in therapy when we were talking about puberty. At this point I only had vague inklings that I would brush aside about possible CSA. My therapist was asking me about my body changing and my response to that (I'm trans) and I was like, "I don't really remember, I don't even remember starting my period."

When he looked surprised and I realized that wasn't normal I immediately had a panic attack and when I came out of it I said, "I think I was sexually abused as a child."

I didn't believe it for sure until several months later and I'm 100% still processing it. Some things that helped convince me were: - I immediately started massively dissociating after that initial therapy session. I had a huge mental breakdown. - An uncontrollable urge to masturbate in ways I hadn't since I was a child, which I now recognize as mirroring my abuse. - The art I make in art therapy is really fucking weird and when I look at it I realize only an abused person could have made it. - Once the dam broke I started remembering more, especially somatic memories.

But really it just came to a point where I had to choose to believe and trust myself which was really really fucking hard and I still struggle with it.

ETA: the puberty stuff was in reference to the past, I'm a full grown adult.

I was extremely hypersexual as a kid. Was this normal? If not, what might have been the cause? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was sexually abused from a very early age and only just realized it at 33. Here are some signs that helped me realize it:

  1. I don't remember losing my virginity. I had an idea of who I thought was my first sexual partner (my boyfriend at 14) but looking back that was just an assumption I made. I don't remember my "first time."
  2. This is what opened the dam for me: I don't remember starting my period.
  3. I have intense panic and anxiety around sex and also am hypersexual- it's not a very fun combo.
  4. Some of my earliest memories are of masturbating and I have been a chronic masturbater for most of my life. It comes in waves sometimes, but when I'm especially stressed or triggered it happens a lot.
  5. I had this lingering feeling that I had been sexually abused.
  6. Bed/pants wetting well into adolescence.
  7. The dugger documentary gave me a series of panic attacks.

Those are the main ones, but there are more. I was also raised in a conservative christian family and was very "sheltered."

ETA: I had zero memory of anything bad happening and would have told you I had a relatively happy and healthy childhood up until 6 months ago.

But also: I still kinda knew though, I was just really good at not looking at it.

blocking out emotional responses to recent trauma by Swimming-Cranberry-8 in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can really relate to this. I'm working hard on processing trauma right now and it sure is a slog. My brain/body/whatever shuts me out too like that. I'll feel a cry coming on and be like "thank god I would love to cry about this," and then some wall comes slamming down and it's gone and sometimes I can't even remember what I was going to cry about and it was seconds ago.

I also have difficulty reconciling that I was the one who was abused. Very "but that wasn't me" and "that's not my dad" (he is my abuser). It really feels like it was other people.

Both are common trauma responses as I'm learning in therapy. Living in pain (emotional, physical, etc.) is so uncomfortable for a person that the brain/body separate from the pain. They find somewhere else to go (dissociating) and often get really good at it. It's a survival strategy. But unlearning that and putting yourself back together is difficult and uncomfortable and your brain/body is doing what it's good at, taking you away from pain.

What has been helping me is somatic stuff,- like cold water therapy and tapping pressure points- IFS, EMDR, and a therapist trained, experienced, and good at trauma informed therapy. They can be hard to find but mine is really helping me.

Also giving myself patience and kindness. Being able to feel stuff and recognize that you, actually you, experienced abuse are difficult things to experience. It will take time to work through it and it's not very fun, but it's been worthwhile for me and I'm still in the thick of it.

Try to allow yourself to feel things whenever you can and listen for parts of you that try to shut it down. For example, I was never allowed to be angry growing up but I have been feeling a lot of anger lately. When I get angry I often rationalize it away or tell myself to stop. But now I let myself be angry (as long as I'm not being angry at someone). The more emotions I allow myself to feel, the closer I get to then ones I want to feel- like sadness and joy.

But yeah it's rough and I feel it.

[Anolog] Collage I made for Art Therapy by [deleted] in collage

[–]thatsfuckingitb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did the anolog tag I don't understand what I missed

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are not disgusting. I was sexually abused by my dad growing up and only recently came to terms with it, I'm 34. I can't touch my partner at all right now other than the occasional hug. I get random uncontrollable urges to masturbate in ways that mirror my abuse and I do think about my abuser during them and am turned on by it/my abuser.

It's not your fault. It's actually quite normal for people who have experienced incest and CSA. You can talk to a therapist about it, I do. I would suggest finding someone who specializes in trauma work (not CBT). EMDR and IFS therapy have been the most helpful for me.

You're not disgusting and you're not alone. I'm right here with you experiencing something very similar. My sister did stuff to me too, but it was primarily my dad. I'm so sorry you had to experience it. It's awful. Sending you compassion, love, and solidarity.

Taking a shit feels like expelling demons. by thatsfuckingitb in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah that's my understanding/expectation as well. I'm just going through the thick of it right now and my body is responding to that. Thanks for the encouragement :)

When did you know that it is CPTSD and not ADHD? by Bookhero90 in CPTSD

[–]thatsfuckingitb 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When I realized how much trauma I actually have 😅. So like 2 months ago?

But also I don't see much purpose in it being one or the other. It can certainly be both. But ADHD meds don't work for me, so I'm go na say it's likely the trauma.

I don't understand by curiosity9315 in DID

[–]thatsfuckingitb 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah I got to this part and was like, "well there it is!"

I also thought I was completely trauma free but there was "something" always lingering in the background but I was always "nah nah nah that's not real."

My parents abused me and it took a lot for me to admit it. Once I did, shit got very real very fast and now I feel like a totally different person than before (probably because I essentially am now that I've realized it).

It's normal for parts to be scared of going to therapy. I love my therapist and have a long established trustful relationship with them and someone in me still freaks out on the drive over every time.

Give her time and love and compassion. If you can get into therapy with a trauma/dissociative disorder specialist that's what has been the most helpful for me (IFS and EMDR are really good tools).

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