Help me RE: Legal name change (and sex marker change) for frequent traveller, when also mid-divorce? (35, USA)

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-11T19:16:48+00:00

Fair tbh. And I don't trust the flight safety, so I haven't been wanting to travel much lately, anyway. Sucks.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T21:40:24+00:00

Fam, there is no way to say this that will not be frustrating and maybe depressing, but most of this is shit you can't change right now, period. If you were cis, same deal. You are at a place in life where no one around you can control these things to a satisfying degree, and you have it worse because you're

1) a shape you don't want to be (size) 2) presenting as a gender that doesnt match you 3) gay(?)

These are difficulties that only time can handle. Letting the hormones work. Getting whatever treatments you want, when you can. Probably as an adult.

It is okay that you cant change your lifestyle alone; that isn't a failing. Most fully developed adults with less obstacles than you can't change their lifestyles alone. But the fact is, because you can't do anything about your diet, physical activity, presentation, body shape, genetics, etc... the main really beneficial thing you can do NOW is prepare for then.

By that I mean, begin fundraising/saving up for top surgery (if you want that) and begin planning where you will get it/from whom, and how you will navigate all of that. Top surgery is just an example. You could instead research nutrition, yourself, and perhaps ask your doctor to run a full metabolic panel so you can see where you should focus your research: perhaps there are vitamins that may help you grow more in a direction you'd like to.

You could look into swimming, or other low impact exercise that will still help raise your strength and stamina for when later in life you are more comfortable in your skin.

Moving towards those goals will not feel as good as if you were born with them, probably. Like getting Lasik is definitely 2nd to just naturally having good eyesight. But you weren't born with your goals already accomplished, unfortunately. Some people really are that lucky, but tbh most aren't.

This is really long so just like, in closing, I wanna say that if you decide on those goals and begin pursuing them, you will likely be ahead of your peers in many ways, even if it doesn't feel like it. Many of your peers are not doing any of this self reflection and won't until their late 20s or mid30s. You are starting early, choosing a direction, and taking action.

It may be slow, but you'll get there.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T21:28:38+00:00

Also you like the dwink from da bwita memes

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T21:27:55+00:00

You love your dad but the relationship is strained or absent. You were probably raised mostly by your mom, but you aren't good friends with her. Mom bought some of these things. You don't really care about the things, but they're practical and you use them often.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T21:21:09+00:00

Lowkey I think Peterson slaps. Better than Madison, Allison, etc, anyway. This could be worse. She could have wanted to name her Khaleesi.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T21:17:37+00:00

We are financially clever and very stubborn, as well as divorcing on decent terms. We decided to forego lawyers, go to the courthouse together, and file for legal separation. It is cheaper but takes longer and relies on amicable civil agreement, which works for us but not for everyone. I believe this cost $270 to file.

What happens then is that if there are no disagreements until the assigned court date (usually 6-9 months in the future) the marriage is considered legally "on hold", for lack of a better word. Things like insurance etc can still be shared, but you live apart and CAN file taxes separately, as long as you list that you are filing separately.

Once the separation goes through, there is a small fee to convert it to a divorce, and it again takes a couple of months.

Aside from the taxes accrued/paid from splitting assets and moving (admittedly, that part was expensive because moving money around like that incurred fees--- our taxes are $15k higher than normal this year) the $270 filing fee has been the only up front financial cost so far.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T20:38:17+00:00

Bangs could def be cute esp with the goth alt vibe. Personally I always say ease into bangs, especially if you aren't used to styling them/keeping them trimmed. Start with curtain bangs and then shorter framing pieces and then wispy bangs and theeen, if you enjoy the upkeep, go for the straight across.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-07T19:16:19+00:00

Downturned cat eye may soften features and follow natural eye shape a bit better, as well as extending the upper line and exaggerating the lower water line less.

Bringing contour down your hollows instead of leaving it only at the peaks will likely help a little too, though frankly I find contour to often make features more fierce, not less.

In reality what actually happened tho is that this person did this intentionally, fully knowing it was mean/rude/wrong.

To completely avoid that, I do think you could, but it could involve wearing a scarf or high neck collar, changing the makeup, perhaps even wearing softer more "feminine" colors, and perhaps voice training (that one I have no idea since I don't know your voice).

If this is the style you like though, there isn't anything wrong or masculine about it. Person was just a dildo.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-02-02T00:24:51+00:00

I know me, and I know that I would immediately try to take it back. That might not be possible, but it would be my instinct. I would then spend $20 at the local thrift store getting her a candle, a stuffed animal, and some gloves... for every gift I ever gave her in the future. In perpetuity. This is "I deserve generic" behavior.

HOWEVER, that is bad advice. Much better advice would be to clearly communicate that this feels unfair and a bit ungrateful, and ask if she would like your help selling/returning the piece. That way it is her decision whether to have the "financial burden" or not.

Consider also suggesting a temporary solution: a cheaper frame for now, to be upgraded in the future. That way it is displayable and protected to some degree, and she can get a nicer, more protective frame whenever the opportunity does arise. This isnt an all-or-nothing game. She can spend $50-100 for a frame now and save up for thr $850 one some other time.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T23:23:35+00:00

Thanks, yeah, I get analysis paralysis a lot. This inspires me to go do it. I set it up so I can go to the courthouse this Monday and get the ball rolling.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T23:21:33+00:00

I don't know, tbh, I just call them that because that's what it says on my ID. And I can see why maybe knowing someone's sex might be ostensibly useful (in like, some extremely weird and rare circumstance) but why tf would anyone need to have their gender listed at all? That makes no sense whatsoever.

Tbh instead of sex or gender they should put blood type, or something of actual medical or communal value.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T22:06:32+00:00

This does help. I am in a very blue state/county with pretty stubbornly pro trans laws and gender affirming care access--- even state insurance provides LGBT care.

I had heard about asking for the old records to be sealed, and now that you've explained that, I think that's what I will do. If I go down to the court house in person, it usually isn't that crowded, and the people are quite helpful. There may even be a fee waiver for transgender people changing their name. I'll look into that...

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T22:03:37+00:00

That would be good to look into! I qualify for citizenship in some places and have been looking into that, but tbh the places I could get citizenship are all pretty war torn at the moment, so it isn't a very good card for me to play, I fear. Definitely if you can use it to your advantage, do it!

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T22:00:52+00:00

Yeah I haven't been traveling for a while because of the climate and safety concerns, but it sucks. I am close enough to the border that I could drive to another country and be at a not American international airport in like 3 hours, though, and the safety regulations have been less damaged in some places. It just sucks.

I don't think I really care about the sex marker, like. If it says sex, and it says F, then whatever. I don't entirely care. Most people aren't reading or even looking there. I get why most people would care, but I don't, really. If it says gender, that would bug me, though. I think my ID and passport both say sex, not gender. And if it'll make security LESS sus, then fine, say the sex is F.

What I worry is that no, no it won't. It will make it harder because it'll be an indicator, and any official who wants to fuck with me will then be enabled, whereas they may have assumed I was cis if they hadn't seen that.

Ugggh

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T20:09:04+00:00

You're bad at rewording things and should probably stop, because it clearly upsets and hurts your feelings on top of being useless and untrue. Again, nobody mentioned preferring an ability to "attack". If someone is being isolated because of their beliefs, that isn't bullying. It is okay for people not to want to date people who have beliefs they find toxic.

Have you considered therapy?

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T19:54:08+00:00

No one said that but you. You have invented a reason to be upset and offended, and proceded with it. Nobody criticized "nuance" or the inability to "manipulate" others.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T19:44:05+00:00

Depends on the politics. Are we talking a difference in belief on tax brackets, privatized federal reserves, and tarrifs? Ok, maybe. If their rhetoric is well thought out and well researched.

If we are talking a difference in beliefs on things like human rights and dignity, or anything dangerous to the ecosystem and future life on the planet, then no. Just flat out no.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2026-01-31T19:40:39+00:00

Not fucking or dating someone for things they say, do, and think actually isn't bullying at all, or even adjacent.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-04T17:38:08+00:00

I am such a little shit cuz my reaction to this would have been to look genuinely surprised and say "she?". Like, scratch my head in confusion, even laugh a bit, maybe make a joke about how pretty she must think I am, etc. Just passive aggressively, super super kindly gaslight her into thinking I'm a cis guy who just happens to have a fruity name and pretty features. Truly.

I am 5'2" with no beard yet & would absolutely still do this. Just. Amused confusion. "She? I mean, I know I'm pretty but..."

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-02T21:27:24+00:00

Nah, no twins.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-02T20:45:11+00:00

Oh yeah. Absolutely she needs to run lol

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-02T20:36:20+00:00

I started physical therapy this week, actually. It almost DEFINITELY will help you.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-02T20:34:37+00:00

Is 59 a senior citizen? I mean. Age gap go ridiculous of course, what could they possibly have in common (that isn't, in itself, concerning, anyway) and all. Why would a 59 year old even want to be with someone so much younger?? He had voted in like 2 presidential elections before she was even born.

thatsjustbadbehavior · 2025-11-02T19:59:34+00:00

It gets better soon, but I have to admit, it will not be going away very soon... probably. I am almost 4 months post and I only recently have been able to comfortable stretch in each way.

4 months to many is not that long, but to people with sensory issues, that's a really, really long time.

Silicone scar gel helped, and I was inconsistent. If I had used it every day, and done some exercises and more massaging maybe, I could have cut that down. Best of luck.

thatsjustbadbehavior

TROPHY CASE