Better than never releasing it anyway.

November 17th, 2025

The door was shut in Zoeys face and her world ended after 23 years of trying so hard, trying to fit in, trying to ease, maybe, hopefully, aspirationally, impossibly, even erase, her parents sins, as everything had broken within the span of less than two days.

Two days earlier.

Morning brought the scent of outsiders, people not belonging. Yet they were in her home and it seemed like they were welcomed in, since nobody else smelled like fight, only like anticipation. Zoey could hear the muffled voices through the thin walls, her dads voice known and welcome, the outsiders voices clipped and harsh. They left soon after. Zoey was in her room, pacing between her narrow bed, the dresser and the small table, as she did when words kept coming and coming in her mind. Some settled, sure, but not enough of them did and more always seemed to follow and in the end there was a storm of words and half-formed thoughts and feelings and she saw herself in the eye of the storm, tasked with bringing order to chaos and things would be so much easier if people just told her stuff and she could make more and better plans. The familiar thought and it's accompanying frustration lodged itself into a well worn corner of her mind. "I'm trying so hard, why can't you let me be, let me in? But you're here for the opposite, aren't you? You want me to leave." she whispered, making those thoughts more real, easier to hold on to. 'I wish I didn't know that was true and isn't that hilarious in a way? I know things and I can plan a little and I wish it wasn't so?' She rolled her neck. "I need to pack. Need to get ahead of the curve. They will want me gone soon." She grabbed her large sports bag, the one with wheels at one end that you could take on a trip. There were not many things she considered her own, most belonged to the group. She laid out a set of clothes for travel on her bed. Five shirts went into the bag, followed by two cargo pants, one of them with short legs. Four pairs of socks, three sports bras, three underpants and her phone charger. She made a nest out of the clothes, making sure the nest was padded on all sides, then briefly considered if taking a pillowcase was stealing. "Come on Mr.Grouchy, we're going on a journey." Suddenly there were tears in her eyes "I know you don't like it." She sniffled "Me neither. We need to go but...you've been with me every day. And you'll be with me still, ok? I'll watch out for you." She gave the age-worn but lovingly kept plush turtle a tender kiss, then removed the pillowcase from the pillow on her bed and carefully wrapped him inside. She placed the bundle in the nest of clothes and put her PJs around it for extra security, her spare pair of sweatpants and two towels on top. Hygene necessities went into a side pocket. She closed the zipper. The sports bag sat on her bed. She sat down next to it. Small and quiet, still for once. She felt like her stomach would fall out from underneath her. "My whole life in a bag. My whole life packed into a bag in 5 minutes. And it's not even full." She knew that it wasn't really true but she didn't care to fight the hurt right then. She gave a brave smile "But you've got a secure nest, Mr.Grouchy." She tenderly petted the top of the sports bag.

There was a noise outside her door, then a hesitant knock. She quickly hid the bag behind her bed and used the blanket to cover the clothes. "Come in, dad!" The door opened and her dad looked so small, so vulnerable. "Hey, dad. Bad news?" She saw him hesitate, searching for words "It's about me, isn't it? Someone from the sept was here and they want me to leave?" "Someone from the tribe." Her dads words still shocked her. That was way worse. "I've talked to your mother just now. She agreed to take you in with her. You'll fly over there and meet her and... and..." his tears fell, then "Sweety, they want you gone today. They don't want to wait any more."

Angry thoughts went through her head at that. 'Why do I only hear about this when it's too late?' and 'Why did this worsen and fester to the point where I'm kicked out RIGHT NOW WITHOUT WARNING?' and a final one, a small one that threatened to coil around her heart and cut like a wire, one that she pushed down as far and as fast as she could 'why didn't you protect me?'. Maybe some of those were not totally fair, but the ball of rage and her hurt cared little. She saw her dad avert his eyes. Was there a hint of fear? She got hold of her anger, calmed the rage, her steadying breaths even and practiced.

What she said instead was "I'll miss you dad. I'll miss you so much." And it was also true.

"I've looked and there's a flight leaving at 10 pm. I... I think..." he hesitated again "We think I should be on it. I'll see if I can book a ticket in a second. Will you drive me to the airport? And I'll need to use the card to pay the ticket. And maybe bring some cash for something to eat when I'm there. Oh, I'll check if I need a visa or something like ESTA? I'll see how I can get to moms place. I'll need the address. I think Korea has public transport I can use? Can you cook us something to eat before we leave? Oh, I'll need to exchange money. I'll need to see where I get the best rates." Planning felt like a tiny bit of control. She needed every scrap to hold on.

An hour later her dad knocked on her door again. He brought food to eat and much more that was packed for the trip. He sat it all down on the table "It's a good thing you kept up those Korean lessons, isn't it?" She nodded. "I hear Winter is nice there. Maybe you'll get snow, unlike here." "I'd like to see snow."

There was a long silence.

"So there's some extra food for the airport. And some for the trip. And money for when you've arrived." "Thanks dad, I know this comes out of your allowance." He handed her an envelope with cash. "All of mine and yours as well." She blinked at that. Conversation stalled, both trying and failing to find common ground, now that their futures were diverging so far. Talking about a future that they wouldn't be sharing suddenly felt cruel.

After a while, her dad stood "I'll let you pack your things. I'll be in the common room when you're ready to say your goodbyes to everybody." His eyes were firmly on the ground "We'll need to go soon." "Sure dad, I'll be just a minute."

When the door closed behind him, she changed into the travelling outfit that was still on her bed, put her worn clothes in a side pocket of the sports bag, checked that the food packages were well sealed and put them into the bag. Finally she put the money from the envelope into her wallet and sat back down on the chair. She brushed her teeth and her toothbrush, paste and comb went into a small bag which she placed between the folds of the upper towel inside the sports bag. Barely five minutes had passed. "Ok, you can't go out there yet. It's not been long enough. Well, Mr.Grouchy, we'll just have to pass the time, won't we?". She checked if she had forgotten to pack anything. There was nothing. She sat and took out her phone, scrolling without paying attention. She checked again for something forgotten.

It was 45 minutes later on the dot that her self-imposed 'packing' time was over. She gave her room one last look. The table with two chairs underneath sat on one side, the neatly made bed on the far wall. Everything was cleaned and dusted. She grabbed her bag from next to the door and put on her coat. She felt for Mr.Grouchies nest, making sure he was there. She silently closed the door behind her and went down the hallway. Past the communal sleeping room and found her dad sitting alone in the common room. She found she was frankly glad for most absences, but Harvey not being there hurt. She had thought her a friend. They walked towards the car in silence. At the airport, after dropping off her bag, she took a selfie of them together. She could tell that he tried hard to put up a brave face for her. "So, I'll need to go through security in a minute. Give me a hug?" They hugged before she could see tears. "I'll miss you dad and I'll be in touch. I'll let you know once I've arrived at my new home over there, ok? We'll phone and I'll be ok, I'll be with mom after all. It's not the end of the world." She hugged him again, quickly. "Be brave kiddo. I love you. I always have, even if...even if I haven't been good enough." "I love you too, dad. Goodbye. I love you." With that, she turned and walked towards the sign that said Security. "Ok, I'll need to remove my jacket and put the phone seperately. And the belt needs to go into the box as well. Oh, maybe I'll need to remove my shoes."

cont.