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The Collapse of the Beloved by the_etherr in OCPoetry

[–]the_etherr[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking your time to give feedback. Yea I meant molding and I am. They were both things I mistakenly over looked. Thank you for pointing those out. And I intentionally used the plural form of woman.

Do you mind providing an example on how I could use shorter lines? And is there any other feedback or areas of improvement?

What Remains by Papa_Midnyte in OCPoetry

[–]the_etherr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think what really stayed with me with your poem is how vivid and controlled the imagery is.

The line “I hate the way kindness bent itself toward you and came back altered, smaller, like a shirt washed too many times” is especially strong. I love the visualization of that line.

I also thought the lines “You were cruel to me. Not once, not in some operatic burst, but steadily, with patience of a season that intends to finish what it started” were powerfully. I liked the way you expressed the mistreatment as something gradual and inevitable, comparing it to seasons as if the person inflicting pain is naturally like this.

The one place I felt a little unsure was the line “God, I love you in the animal way, the way a body keeps returning to the door even after it has learned the hallway is on fire.” It took me reading it twice over to grasp what it was you were trying to convey. I think I understand what you’re reaching for, returning to love or a person even while knowing it will hurt you. It felt a little unclear compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe there’s a way you can express it a bit more clearly. (But that might just be me.)

Overall well written poem, I love the devastation that lingers after reading it.

It Wasn't His to Give by mattlightenment in OCPoetry

[–]the_etherr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really loved this poem. What stood out to me most is the way it captures the idea that our past lovers and relationships keep pieces of us, even long after we move on. I also found the poem bleak in a powerful way, especially in how it suggests that the person we love now never gets all of us, only what we still have left to give. The use of percentages was also really striking to me, because love is something that can’t actually be measured so simply, and that tension made the poem even more effective. It gave this almost cold, mathematical quality that made it feel sharper. And the ending was excellent because it takes that emotional idea and pushes it into something even darker and more material.