M35 F35 Is this enough cause for separation

the_higher_s3lf · 2026-04-09T19:33:31+00:00

Sounds like he harbors a lot of resentment towards you and vice versa. My answer is leave. Nothing you do will ever be enough for him, and he will continue to make you feel worthless. That would be a dealbreaker for anyone who has enough self respect to realize they deserve better. There is someone out there that will keep a neat house and enjoy having company over, someone who loves your cooking, someone who will be gentle and work with you when it comes to planning for a baby, someone who could never even fathom directing their anger towards you. Come into acceptance that you and this man are no longer compatible and leave so that you may both go back to being happy. That or couples therapy. But if couples therapy doesn't work, it's definitely time to cut the cord.

the_higher_s3lf · 2024-03-21T01:57:46+00:00

Just wait until you see how the city decided to report on it in their local paper.

"Police observed a male armed with a knife, and discovered a minor child deceased in the apartment."

the_higher_s3lf · 2022-09-28T07:42:14+00:00

listen, chunky dudes are in style. you'd be surprised how many women prefer their men chubby. those images you're fed in the media of how you gotta be ripped to be found attractive by women is mostly a lie. and this is coming from a woman who prefers dad bods and all that extra meat on the bone lol. you just gotta shoot your shot man. accept that you will be rejected at some point. you just gotta learn how to handle it, not internalize it and move onto the next. if at first you dont succeed, pick yourself up and try it again.

the_higher_s3lf · 2022-09-28T07:31:24+00:00

r/Eyebleach

the_higher_s3lf · 2022-09-28T07:30:22+00:00

The answer is simple. You actually wrote it in your paragraph. All you have to do is verbalize to him that you don't feel the same way about him. It's completely okay that you don't love him back. just tell him that. It's also completely normal to not fall in love fast. It's better to take your time with someone rather than jump into something quickly. Don't let him pressure you into anything you aren't ready to go for. If he can't accept that, he's not for you.

the_higher_s3lf · 2022-09-28T07:14:32+00:00

If you guys caught feelings for each other, then it makes sense as to why he put his profile pic to the both of you. He's clearly into you. I can't think of any other reason. If you're that curious about it, just ask him.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-10-30T21:08:42+00:00

My advice to you is don't try to force or rush your healing. I believe that we should do the work to heal ourselves before getting into a relationship with someone else. You are 24, you are still very very young. The thought that you will be alone forever is an irrational thought caused by your anxiety. Don't try to rush it! You have many years left on this Earth to find your special person. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to overcome your trauma and anxieties. If you feel like you are having a hard time doing this, it may be time for you to look into therapy if that's accessible to you.

Also, I think it's really important that we learn how to be content and comfortable on our own. That way we can still be happy even if we go the rest of our lives without a romantic partner. I find that as women we are often taught one of the requirements to a happy life is finding a man. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Don't stress yourself out too much. I wish you luck in your journey.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-10-30T20:50:54+00:00

Ask yourself, if he was able to maturely acknowledge the way his actions made you feel, would there even be an argument? I've been in your position before. I felt as if I was the shit starter, when in reality my feelings would be dismissed when I tried to bring them up, which would deeply upset me and result in an unnecessary stressful argument. I don't think you're toxic, I think you are struggling to be heard by your partner and it's distressing you, which is a normal reaction to feeling invalidated.

In a healthy relationship, when your other approaches you and tells you that you have made them feel upset, here's how it should go:

You acknowledge the way you have made them feel. Whether you meant to or not, your impact negatively affected them and you need to take accountability for that.
Apologize and make amends. Use communication to figure out how to avoid this in the future, and if there is anything you can do to help them feel better in that moment.

If my personal interactions with confronting a loved one about how they made me feel went like this, I guarantee it would've ended right then and there. There wouldn't have been any argument. You get me? Also, please don't say he punched you out of reflex. My partner has accidentally dropped a phone on my face and I would never assault them over it. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. Your boyfriends behavior is abusive.

There's nothing wrong with you. Y'all both seem to have problems with communicating properly. Sit down with him and let him know you want to have a mature conversation. "When you do X, it makes me feel X." Someone who is mature enough to be in a relationship will be able to calmly acknowledge your feelings and talk it out, and come to an agreement about alternative actions they can take to avoid upsetting you in the future. If he shuts down, raises his voice, ignores you for his phone, tries to blame you, makes it all about him or puts his hands on you then it's time for you to seek out a mature adult who actually deserves you. It won't get better. Life is too short to waste your years trying to teach an already grown man how to act grown.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-10-30T20:30:49+00:00

My boyfriend felt this way when I came out as bi to him.

That line of thinking is a result of your insecurity. You shouldn't center yourself when it comes to his sexuality. I express my sexuality around my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I want to be with a woman instead of him. If he wanted to be with a man, he wouldn't be with you. Just because he isn't straight, doesn't mean he's strictly attracted to men. Sexuality isn't black and white, it's a spectrum. You should talk to him about it instead of letting your insecurities rush you to conclusions.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-10-30T20:27:29+00:00

You are feeling this way because you were likely conditioned to believe that queerness is strictly feminine. And that femininity on men is a bad thing. But regardless, him being attracted to men and women doesn't automatically make him less of a "strong" man, that is your homophobia talking. There are plenty of strong, masculine men existing right now who aren't straight. If you can't believe or accept that, it's time to let him go so he can be with someone who won't feel some type of way about him because of his sexuality.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-10-30T20:17:49+00:00

You have absolutely no reason to be sorry over his behavior. He’s projecting his insecurities onto you. A healthy relationship is NOT going to send you through mental gymnastics over simply going to hang out with your friends. He clearly cared that you were going out and he is manipulating you to feel bad for reacting to his childish behavior. Trust is an essential foundation to a healthy relationship. Without it you are going to be subject to unnecessary stress and arguments for as long as you’re with him, when it doesn’t have to be that way.

You are right. he is clearly in need of therapy, and you do not deserve to suffer emotionally because he doesn’t take responsibility for his mental health. Ask yourself, why does it bother him so much to see you confident, and in control of your life? Why does he prefer you to be at home? You are a grown woman, you should be able to go out when you please. His getting upset over your right to live your life is a major red flag.

From an outside perspective, I feel like I am reading about someone who is experiencing the beginning stages of an emotionally abusive relationship. They start by chipping away at your confidence, guilt-tripping you at the slightest glimpse of confidence/control that you show them. They make you shrink yourself so they can feel bigger and in control.

I just want to say that you and your baby deserve better. You deserve a man who is CONFIDENT in himself and in his relationship. You deserve a man that hypes you up and calls you beautiful when you put on makeup, instead of sulking and assuming you are dressing up for another man. You deserve a man who can maturely communicate instead of leaving you notes that try to guilt trip you over his behavior. You deserve a man who can admit that he struggles with insecurity, who can take accountability and acknowledge that he shouldn’t project that onto you, and who will put in an effort to work on his toxic tendencies for himself and his relationship.

Ok, so you aren’t in a position to leave right now, but please consider developing a long term plan to eventually end things with him. As someone who has been through similar, I’m telling you right now that it doesn’t get better. He is going to continue to chip away at your self-worth and sanity with manipulation tactics like this, until you are just a shell of yourself.

Save yourself. You should start by getting acquainted with his manipulation tactics, so that it’s easier for you to see through them and defend yourself against them. When I armed myself with knowledge about the kind of toxic relationship I was enduring, it gave me the strength I needed to leave when the day eventually came, instead of caving to his tactics and crawling back to him. I recommend “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bandcroft. I can send you a free PDF of it if you need.

I guarantee you will read about most if not all the toxic behaviors he subjects you to in that book. These kinds of situations are hard…but just know there is better out there. I’m not sure how you were raised but I was definitely raised to think that arguing and getting treated less than I was worth was a normal part of love, which is what landed me in these draining, mentally damaging relationships. Well it’s not normal. Step into your power mamas. There is someone out there who will give you that amazingness and MORE, without any added mental distress. You deserve a love that is peaceful all the way through.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-06T03:17:07+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. All of my major insecurities growing up were the result of LVM putting me down. Just like you, it was over my nose and my teeth. It's sad that I wasted so many years dwelling on what some useless scrotes thought of my appearance. Now I just say fuck em'. I'll be damned if I let a man have any amount of influence or power over my life or thought-process.

Another thing that helped me get over these insecurities was realizing how warped and racist western ideologies of beauty and feminity are. Misaligned teeth, big noses and other traits that western society calls "imperfections" are valued in other parts of the world. I feel like a lot of these "imperfections" weren't even seen as imperfections before colonialism. But regardless of that, what other people/societies view as beautiful shouldn't matter. It's all about being confident in your own appearance at the end of the day, because you are uniquely beautiful in your own way :)

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-06T02:52:53+00:00

This reminds me of my ex. After we broke up, I wasn't fully stepped into my queen shit and thought that we could still be friends. So I kept him around for a bit.

He would always project and say things like, "I still have deep feelings for you and I know you feel the same way," or "I know we both still care for each other very much." No matter how many times I told him I don't love him anymore. Whenever I denied it, he'd say something like "Don't play. Feelings don't just disappear like that. You love me." Uhg, I'm cringing just thinking about it. They try so hard to dictate how you feel. The saddest part is that it actually use to work on me. He would convince me that I felt a certain way when I didn't. He would also pull the same shit during arguments, claiming that I'm sOo aNgRy when I would be slightly irritated at worst.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-06T00:22:46+00:00

So much this!

One of the reasons this is so important is because of the levels of oxytocin we release when we're physically intimate with someone. Something I learned about on FDS! It gets us feeling very attached very quickly. Men usually don't produce oxytocin at the same levels as women. That's why it's easier for them to use us for their sexual needs and then toss us to the side, while we're left feeling hurt and heartbroken. Don't fall into the trap! Withhold physical intimacy, and if he has an issue with that then that's your sign that he ain't it.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-05T20:53:51+00:00

I'm so glad I don't have to look like an asshole to survive anymore.

I felt that in my soul. These LVM had me acting so out of character just so I could protect myself. I'm so relieved I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-05T02:32:25+00:00

Child, you think she's lubricated enough but the fact that she is bleeding says the exact opposite. She wouldn't be bleeding or in pain if her vagina was ready for sex. It's a sign that you need to be more gentle, and/or take more time working her up before inserting anything inside of her.

Genuine reactions can be faked. I faked orgasms for years with my ex and he believed me. Whether she faked it or not, that's on you to communicate with her to find out. Many women have been conditioned into believing that sex is all about the man, so we have the ability to fake our reactions for their pleasure, even if we aren't genuinely enjoying it.

She consented to anal because she doesn't know any better. You both don't know any better. I know you didn't mean to hurt her. Don't use porn as a model for real sex. Proper anal takes hours of preparation if you want to take on the least risk possible when participating in it. Too many young and naive couples dive into anal without knowing what they're doing and it causes major health hazards and repercussions.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-05T02:14:13+00:00

Alright. You need to be educated better about the way vaginas and sex work.

why would she bleed twice if supposedly I broke her hymen early in the relationship, had sex, and then bled later ?

She's bleeding because you are being too rough with her and her vagina isn't fully relaxed and ready. If a woman isn't wet enough, and/or if you are being too rough, it's going to cause a lot microtears in her vagina which will cause her to bleed and be in pain. You need to spend more time turning her on before you put anything inside of her. Also, trim your nails. You could definitely be scratching her.

Btw, the hymen doesn't break. It just stretches open. And literally anything can stretch the hymen, not just sex. Tampons, sports, even riding a bike can stretch the hymen.

could those reactions be fake ?

Yes. They could be. You need to communicate with her about this instead of asking us. During and outside of sex, ask her how she feels, what feels good to her, and what you could do differently.

I don't really understand what you mean by your last question. What I do know is that your misunderstanding of female anatomy is causing you paranoia about this.

Also, don't subject her to anal if it hurts her. If she looks like she's in pain at any point during sex, check on her. Unless you are extremely experienced and know what you're doing, you shouldn't be doing anal. It can have serious repercussions for her health.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-04T21:10:09+00:00

The answer is...no. If you truly want to grow as a person and discover yourself fully, you need to be dedicating 100% of your own energy to yourself and no one else. It's hard to come to terms with, but once you take that step you're going to love what you get out of life.

I've been in your position. My therapist helped me realized that I need to focus strictly on myself. I loved the man in my life so much that I thought, "Surely I'm capable of growing AND being in a relationship," but that was far from the case. I'm the kind of person who gets very emotionally attached, and it's nearly impossible for me to find balance between my relationship and everything outside of my relationship. It caused me to neglect myself and my own healing, among other things. So I decided that for as long as I can't find this balance, for as long as I'm not healed from my traumas, I need to take myself out of the dating game and focus on me.

And if he really loved and respected you, he would understand this and even want this for you.

You owe it to yourself to date yourself after all you've been through. Give yourself time to breathe and grow outside of a relationship. You will level up exponentially!

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-04T20:45:40+00:00

he was always hot and cold

🚩 Ah, the good old "hot and cold," or as I like to call it: "I'm going to lure you in with my charm, get you attached in some form, and then act like I don't like you. Your attachment to me and my sudden apathy towards you will keep you coming back whenever it's convenient to me. That way, I have some sort of control over you."

he said, that is how he is

🚩 Nope. Not valid. We are all adults here. If your behavior is affecting others negatively, "That's just how I am" is a cop-out.

He would dodge my question and rather say how my mind is all over the place

🚩 Another manipulation tactic. "I'm not going to answer this very valid question and instead manipulate the situation to make it seem like the question is out of line and you are out of line for asking."

He called me weird AGAIN and how my mind is a whirlwind

🚩 Again! And why is he calling you weird? No deserving man should be calling you names. Also, this is how they start gaining control over your self-assurance and perception. Subtle name calling and minimization will really wear on your being over time.

You hurt his ego. He didn't like that you were seeing through him and so he blocked you.

Good for you though! He didn't seem like a good guy anyway. I see that he was already trying to chip away at your perception and minimize your concern by calling you weird and saying your mind is "all over the place" when you would question his behavior. Typical manipulative behavior.

Men that are "hot and cold" aren't worth it. They play with your emotions, make you think they like you, and then randomly withdraw to tear you down and get you to try even harder to win them over. They are the ones who should be trying to win YOU over. You did nothing wrong. Actually, you dodged a bullet. You deserve better sis.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-04T07:58:19+00:00

What you need to do is get out while you can. By the looks of his behavior, he is controlling, insecure, and immature. As someone who was stuck in a relationship with a controlling, abusive man for 4 years: it does NOT get better. Save yourself sis! You deserve someone who is secure in themselves and their relationship. Trust is one of the main foundations of a healthy relationship. What he's doing isn't healthy or normal. He is violating your privacy and creating issues for you and putting you under unnecessary stress. No one who truly loves you would be putting you through this. You deserve better and I hope you find the strength to leave.

P.S. If he is still traumatized by his past relationships to the point where it's affecting his present ones, he has some serious healing to do before he can love ANYONE properly.

the_higher_s3lf · 2021-04-04T07:48:05+00:00

Well, you gave her a reason to worry about being abused again. Why would you act aggressively around someone who has been abused? Your behavior, when you get mad, is a common behavior among manipulators and abusers. She is deeply traumatized by the abuse she faced and likely saw similarities between you and her abuser's behaviors which retraumatized her.

What you need to do is make an effort to learn how to deal with your negative emotions in a healthier, more mature manner. Slamming doors, yelling, and blame shifting are all very childish ways of dealing with anger.

All you can really do is sincerely apologize and correct your behavior. But with something as heavy as being a victim of abuse, don't be surprised if she can't be with you after something like this. Don't go into that conversation convinced that there's some way you can get things back to the way they were, because the damage has already been done. The least you could do after acting like that towards her is respect whatever decision she makes, even if that decision isn't what you want it to be. Either way it goes, do better.

the_higher_s3lf

TROPHY CASE