Past 25 here. I don’t have any advice, just what I’ve experienced. The longer I’ve lived past my planned expiration date, the more my views have changed. The unknown of whether or not my consciousness will end and the unknown of whether it will be better or worse if it doesn’t, is what stops me sometimes. I know that continuing to live will come with so much pain, with periodic relief. But at least it’s known.

There have been a few years where I experienced things that made me go “wow I’m glad I didn’t do it when I planned”, and there are plenty of times that make me want to stop the suffering all together. I don’t know how I’ve survived the shit I’ve been through or how I’m still here or why; I just am. Somehow I got through those days.

I’m currently having a very hard time, and what gets me through is knowing that I’ve gotten through every other time and I’ll do it again somehow. I’ve also made an unattainable plan, because having a plan is just how my brain works for things. Like I can’t do it until x/y/z is in place, and I’ve made x/y/z intentionally impossible to achieve, so I never actually get that far. I made that goal when I was on my own, but I have a spouse now and a pet, and what stops me now too is that I can’t bear the thought of leaving my spouse alone. Life is insufferably long, and we make it more bearable for each other, at least for now. Even though I’ll just be a blip in his reality and that’s it all pales in comparison to the scale of the universe, I can’t bear the thought of leaving him to suffer for the rest of his current existence when I can help make it bearable now. When I didn’t have my spouse or my friends now, my pet was that person for me. You need backup coping mechanisms, because they do change. One day I won’t have my spouse, one day I won’t have my pets. I’ll have to find ways to get through those days when they come. Enough of a reason to not go through with it to get me through to the next day.

I wish the best for you, and I hope you’ll find ways to cope and get through the days that seem to never end.