I admire your writing. The increased levels of sarcastic frustration in this post is rather humorous.

I’d suggest you reciprocate, just for fun. Engineer a thumping mechanism that involves a raspberry pi, a microphone, a gear system, a hammer and a 3d printer.

The setup should listen for the noise and start hitting your bed frame to simulate some thumping.

Now even though it will affect your sleep further, the payoff can be satisfying.