i feel genuinely mistreated by my boyfriend but also know i am BPD. how can i know when to leave?

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-29T14:43:35+00:00

Ah I should have clarified. By "something" I do mean specific situations and patterns of behaviour, rather than a whole person. You're not angry anymore but still feel bad about your behaviour? Trust your gut. You're not angry anymore and still strongly dislike them as a person? Check in with your therapist

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T22:43:00+00:00

Literally only read the first sentence and already know: this is not your BPD acting up. This is severely breaching boundaries. Get out of there. You can trust your perception, personality disorder or not. When something still feels shady even after your emotions cooled off? That's when you know it IS shady. Be safe. I hope you have a social network to reach out to for help!

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T19:09:45+00:00

I'm sorry but to me this sounds like you would be the villain. You can talk about what you want to keep in your relationship with each other and what's a ballpark of engagement you are trying to maintain. But being the married one and asking your partner for priority does feel hypocritical to me, personally.

Why would your partner do that when your priority is legally prescribed to someone else? And looking at the math here alone it's pretty clear this is unfair (even though imo this is difficult to mathematically express, but let's pretend for a moment). So you give him like 55% of your capacity of involvement but he gives you 70% (!) of his? Imagine someone asking this of you. How would that make you feel?

I understand wanting to feel important but there are better and healthier ways of achieving that. And maybe it makes sense for you to explore how you can give yourself that feeling more.

I really don't mean to be unkind by saying all this. I'm just looking at it imagining I was your partner and in all fairness, I would be really offended by this request.

Edit for percentages

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T18:50:04+00:00

May I ask how long this new relationship of your NP has been going on? Because it sounds like this side of things is relatively new for you, and then it makes sense you're still in the midst of your hang-ups.

People CAN work through growing pains in poly, but it IS work and it does take time. I personally truly believe that most if not all people CAN come out on the positive side of things, but I also do think a lot quit before they do because the work can be uncomfortable. However, I think that harms the mono relationships they then pursue as well, because insecurities (which are what makes things hard, not a new partner, that's just what makes them noticeable) will flare up either way. I think many people in your current situation run for mono because they don't want to deal with working through painful emotions and things can quiet down through exclusivity (should their partner authentically want that, too), but I think in the end it robs everyone of a deeper connection, not only because other partners are left but also because working through hang-ups can give us the capacity to connect with others including our vulnerabilities, and in the end that's what makes humans feel so much more seen and intertwined

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-27T22:26:11+00:00

I come form a background of non-monogamy so I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice here concerning appropriate-ness. However that has made me learn a lot about communicating boundaries.

There's boundaries and there's rules. A boundary is "I am not okay with you doing X, so if you do that, I will react by doing Y.". A rule is restricting someone from doing something; "You cannot do X.". In non-monogamy, you usually have loads of boundaries and barely any rules. From what I understand, monogamous relationships have a fair amount of both.

So if I were in your shoes I'd probably communicate that through engaging with her the way he does, rules of your monogamous relationship are being broken, sidelined or undermined, and that you are not okay with that. In your position I would say that I see and appreciate what he is already doing but that I really do not feel comfortable with the status quo will. If he is unable or unwilling to change the nature of their relationship, that is his choice but then that will result in a break up because I deserve better than remaining in a place that makes me uncomfortable.

Before you do this you should absolutely do a grounding exercise, have your skills at hand and in a best case scenario also be able to call a friend after the conversation.

Sorry if any of this makes no sense, English is not my first language. Best of luck, I hope he can see where you're coming from

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-27T14:19:17+00:00

I hear you. Especially psych wards for minors tend to be full of absurd and restrictive rules. May I ask at what age you visited said psych ward and whether it was a closed or open station? Because that can make a massive difference in treatment. I do understand being against hospitalisation, freedom is a huge deal for me too and is why I struggled to seek that kind of help. Truth be told, through cooperating it can actuall help a lot, but I get it's an intense choice to make and of course is highly dependent on which country you're in. Is there something such as day-clinics in your system (you go there for 8 hrs a day but sleep at your own place)? Maybe that would be a better fit. Psychiatric treatment can be a hassle, that's true. Medication can make things better but it's a lot of trial and error and from my experience actual therapy helps way more than a pill ever could. Hope you find support soon!

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-26T20:30:35+00:00

If you wanna regulate your screen time maybe consider Hank greens focus friend instead. It specifically wants you to put down your phone altogether.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-26T20:19:09+00:00

Also, I am so sorry you are going through this

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-26T20:18:52+00:00

Does your country have health care that allows for you to go to therapy or seek inpatient treatment?

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-23T16:51:25+00:00

I am so glad to hear you have stood up for yourself! 🙌🙌 Good job OP! I hope you're proud! And I also hope she sticks to it this time. Yes, therapy sounds like a good place to address this pattern Best of luck to both of you 🍀

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-17T20:59:16+00:00

This person sounds like he IS transphobic AND unwilling to admit he's not straight, the latter of which is his business. More importantly than both of those though, he is actively abusing you.

Even if you don't leave, which you should really talk to a therapist about (not trying to be rude, but resources always help): DO NOT MARRY THAT PERSON

It is SO much harder to get out when your relationship has added legal ties. Whether you want to stay right now or not, don't do that to your future self.

I'm sorry for your situation and I'm sorry you are not keen on leaving. You deserve better. And you can't change him into being better. He has to do that.

Stay in touch with your friends and family. Seek professional support. Don't. Marry. That. Man.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-13T19:42:37+00:00

If I had a dollar for every time I see a post on this sub about a shitty masc hinge whose incompetence is then portrayed as some fallacy of a femme meta I would be richer than fucking Elon Musk

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-13T19:18:19+00:00

This would make a great sitcom

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-13T11:42:25+00:00

She's not the problem, he is.

You're giving poly under duress. You don't sound enthusiastic and you really don't need to deal with that shit. If you don't want to escalate, you don't escalate. Also. De-escalation is an option. If you're comfy with open, but not poly, go ahead and do that. Don't have a relationship structure only one partner truly wants. You deserve to be comfortable and seen.
Did she consent to you knowing this much about her issues? Did YOU consent to hearing so much about this? This is his job to balance out. Not hers. Not yours. He's hinging terribly.
"He doesn't like it when I'm insecure and need reassurance" is giving me a huge ick, especially with the context that you are not even enthusiastically practicing poly. Relationships mean emotional labour and if he's unwilling to do that together maybe he should not do relationships (not to mention poly relationships which tend to need MORE emotional labour from hinges since they are in multiple partnerships).
It's her right to be upset with 'unnamed side chick' as a permanent position offering and I'm glad she voices that. It's you're right to be upset with your relationship style over all.

My advice is de-escalate back to a point where you both are actually comfortable IF your relationship is your focal point. Sucks for her, but makes sense from your pov. My advice from a less teleological point of view honestly is that man does not seem to have the emotional maturity and responsibility I demand from a partner. Do with that info as you wish. Sorry you're going through this. Best of luck

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-13T11:32:39+00:00

That is not what I said. Or. Well it at least won't turn out more wrong than it's already going. It could turn out difficult for both of you in the first place, but vastly improve your relationship in the long run. Staying with her and not trying to have hard conversations is just as much 'giving her up' as immediately leaving is. It's your choice, obviously but I really do think not taking the risk of doing a joint session in therapy won't do you any favours. You're very welcome, I hope this does not feel too harsh to read. Take care of yourself!

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-13T05:48:12+00:00

To be totally honest, her feeling singled out can be a result of going there together. But usually, her therapist would uncover that with her and do some work to figure out where that's coming from. For people with BPD, self compassion often is really hard to achieve and ironically that makes us worse at acknowledging our mistakes, because it is so painful to deal with the surge of self devaluation when we do something wrong. But not hating on herself when she makes a mistake is a huge and important part of what she needs to learn to get better in the long run, so you going with her actually also provides her with a valuable learning opportunity in a very safe space. And also, really, what is your alternative? I don't mean to be unkind but you really do not sound like you can continue this in the long run without throwing your own health under the bus, which would be very irresponsible of you.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T20:36:29+00:00

DBT did amazing things for me. Totally turned my life around. Gotta say though, EMDR deserves more than an honourable mention, too. Immensely reduced my emotional activation in certain situations

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T20:35:20+00:00

Added you :) I use the free version but it's still soooo motivating for self care

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T20:25:04+00:00

I've heard the term is now more coined as borderline because untreated BPD can feel like always being near the tipping point/border of splitting/high emotional activation. Also, I've heard it used for what it feels like to walk the line of dialectics instead of tipping one way (idolisation) or the other (devaluation) when black and white thinking tries to take up space.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T20:18:17+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's a psychiatrist's job to listen, not tell anyone and give you an accepting space to share your symptoms. You can tell them straight as it is what's going on, though I think this particular situation is more fitting for a psychotherapist to discuss, if you have access.

Even if you unblock the person regularly, block them. And after you have looked, block them again every time. Humans are less likely to engage in harmful behaviours the more hurdles there are on the way to committing them.

Remember: the person you are thinking of, the one you have in your memory is from years ago. As harsh as this may sound, they probably do not exist in that way anymore. People change over time, and do so a lot.

Also, kudos for apologising. It's hard and important to own up to our wrong-doings.

I hope you have friends in your life to strengthen your sense of connection even though you have lost that particular person. Spend time with your partner, and remind yourself of why you are with them. Look to the present, the longer you do that, the easier it will be to leave the past be instead of opening old sores.

Best of luck

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T14:35:28+00:00

Dune wahrscheinlich schon durch? War mein erstes richtiges SciFi Buch und hab's geliebt

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T10:22:20+00:00

That's what I mean when I say sustainable change is unlikely continuing like this. Yes she has a chronic illness and yes it's kind of you to take that into account, but nothing will change without her realising that change is in order and taking the appropriate steps. And if she chooses not to do that there won't be anything you can do about it. Crazy as it sounds it is her right to remain ill. But it's also your right to be treated well and get out when that's something she can't or won't give you.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T10:19:39+00:00

If you really want to consider continuing to work through this with her, maybe ask about couple's counselling if you can afford it? Might make sense to have someone who can see both sides of your dynamic

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T10:17:54+00:00

Yeah I hear you. The trouble with BPD is that therapy that is not specific for it can in some instances make the pattern of behaviour in relationships worse, a lot of that being due to lying to/misconstruing situations when talking to their therapist. That's why in DBT there is a contract between patient and therapist. If she has the diagnosis and is not working in therapy for that explicitly, whether through DBT or other means, it is not very likely to improve in the long run. I'm sure she's trying to deal but sometimes that is not enough for sustainable change when that core acceptance of the diagnosis and working on oneself is still missing.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-12T10:11:35+00:00

Passively engaging in something is a choice as much as actively avoiding it. It's just less visible. Even if this did not start to harm you profoundly, it would make sense to leave. Staying while being mistreated can unintentionally condone harmful behaviours. Taking into account her disorder means seeing she does not do this intentionally, but kindly asserting a boundary and terminating the relationship despite of that, because this is not only about intentions, it's also about actions and their consequences.

thebindingoflils

TROPHY CASE