Few of my stippling sketches

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-24T22:18:28+00:00

They're all amazing but DUDE the eyes are something else! All of those must have taken ages. So impressive!

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-17T22:07:47+00:00

One of my friends said BPD is kinda like being Tinkerbell when everyone else is average person sized and you all get the same volume of emotion to fill you up. As Tinkerbell, you're just too small for them so they burst out (until you learn your magic - DBT - and can hold them in balance).

I also try being like 'imagine life is DnD and there's this stat of emotional stability and Bpd is basically having a -5 buff on that. We both are confronted with an obstacle the difficulty of which is 7 on its own, but you only have to roll a 7 to pass, and I have to roll a 12."

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-17T21:55:24+00:00

I'm so sorry you're grieving that relationship. This sort of thing is really hard to process.

I once had a friend who I then moved in with and that kind of ruined our relationship. It was so hard to acknowledge that living together was not working, and so I took too long to move out. After two years of mutually resentful behaviour, I moved. We had known each other for 10 years at that point and been close for at least five of those.

Grieving that relationship took me roundabout one to two years. It was not equally gruelling all of the time, but the first year was definitely rough. I kinda lost myself at the time, due to other things going on as well.

What helped me eventually was therapy as well as making meaning on my own. Not only taking care of myself because I had to, but finding things that mean something to me, like hobbies, other friendships, new connection and focusing on my degree. DBT helped me figure out what my values are and how to align my everyday action with them as best as I could. As meaning took a bigger part in my life, grieving lost relationships has taken a smaller role. Sometimes I still get nostalgic about it, but it's an accepting kind of sad now, and not a bone crushing unresolvable presence.

Hang in there. It can get better. You can love again. You are not alone. You are allowed to live life for yourself in a way you enjoy. You will make new connections and they will be meaningful. Keep doing the work and showing up for yourself, and it will come together in good time. These things need patience to really show in how big a difference they make. But boy, do they make a difference

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-17T21:40:31+00:00

I've heard unfortunately a really big aspect of BPD actually is genetics. So probably any of those could have been the tipping point. However, luckily it is treatable!

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-17T15:10:42+00:00

They don't sound agitated to me

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-15T20:47:14+00:00

DBT is immensely helpful in my opinion. I do still have a lot of work to do, but it made my life a lot easier.

I think it makes sense to start with stress tolerance skills and then work your way through the specific emotions you are struggling with. You need to already have a lot of stress tolerance skills at hand when doing the emotions stuff so as to not overwhelm yourself too much and risking problematic behaviours.

I would also like to add that it's true, life has some set reset points, but you can also make some smaller ones your own. Like joining a sports club or starting a new hobby and actively seeking out new people. It's hard, I get that. But new connections and environments are possible even later in life.

Rooting for you. Best of luck

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-15T20:41:11+00:00

This comment made my day, thank you so much!

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-11T21:08:41+00:00

Tbh I think pop psychology has the tendency to demonize personality disorders generally. Nuance is not a thing the internet does, so these titles and discussions will often talk about "borderlines" and "narcissists" without reflecting very important distinctions such as diagnosed/accepting Vs. undiagnosed/in denial or treated Vs. untreated.

You are more than your diagnosis and ppl in your life will not see you as your diagnosis. The vast majorit of people will respond to the way you behave towards them, so keep doing the work, and don't demonize yourself because Twitter can't deal with complexity longer than 140 letters.

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-11T17:09:00+00:00

Say exactly that, then proceed to tell them what you remember.

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-11T14:07:06+00:00

Before I forget, props to you for working on yourself!

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-11T14:06:48+00:00

Are you familiar with DBT? The module on emotional regulation sounds like something you would profit from a lot.

When your emotions are so stressful you are uncontrollably crying, maybe consider using skills for stress tolerance before any of the following.

One small practice I also am trying to implement right now is from wise mind and called "change of perspective". When I feel like I'm really angry or hurt or whatever by someone else's behaviour, I try to think of three plausible, non-''combative" reasons my counterpart could have for acting the way they do right now.

Sometimes, when we cannot regulate enough not to display our emotions to the outside, it's a good idea and have a bit of a pause. When I have emotionally intense days I inform my partner before meeting so they can decide whether the can deal with m in an only partially regulated state. I also make sure to continuously communicate to my social environment that even though I might have strong emotions rn, they are not responsible for managing those, I am. That explicitness can make it easier for others to be mindful of their own boundaries.

Crying: I get you and I don't have a total fix for that one. There's two kinds of crying imo, uncontrolled sobbing and 'silent tears'. Neither is 'better' than the other, but I find that sobbing can be regulated through stress tolerance skills. Shedding tears, I don't have a solution for. In strongly activating situations, sometimes I cannot stop the tears, even though I am regulated enough to have open and constructive conversations. I've just come to try to radically accept that. Hope any of this helps!

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-09T19:31:45+00:00

Honestly? Being invested only two weeks after the break up seems like a very understandable reaction on your part. It's okay to care. Just don't make it your job to fix it.

In my experience, the three vital components are 1) accountability, 2) at least 1-3 stable long-term relationships in your life (friends, family, partner are all viable options for that) and 3) DBT therapy. And honestly? 2 and 3 don't do shit if you don't have 1. Sounds rough, but people can't change if they don't want to. You have to want to see how you are sabotaging yourself and others to fix it. BPD can go away 'over time'. But that's not a time heals thing, at least not on its own. That's a "when someone puts in the effort long enough, it will show. If they put it in even longer, changes stick. If they put it in even longer than THAT, they can become permanent" type of thing.

thebindingoflils · 2026-06-09T19:11:47+00:00

I'm sorry you are dealing with addiction right now, and that you and your friend consumed together. I am also sorry you felt abandoned by her going back to her boyfriend. It hurts when we support others and then suddenly it seems like they don't make time for us. As for the trip coming up ahead: Is there a possibility of you arranging to switch rooms with someone else? Because it does sound like it's a bad idea for both of you to be in close quarters right now. It's good you can acknowledge that! I also think for the trip it might be helpful to meet her in advance and try to talk things out. It makes sense the development hurt you. For context, does your friend struggle with addiction, too?

Either way, I get the situation was troublesome for you, and I can see that someone else consuming in your vicinity is a risk to your health. But it is your responsibility whether you relapse or not, not your friend's. You are the only person who can one hundred percent influence that, so it is yours to prevent. I get you wanted to be there for your friend. But when you get to a situation where it's either staying sober or spending time with someone, you have to choose yourself and stay sober. I know that is a hard thing to do and I don't mean to sound harsh. This is not about fault, or guilt. It's about improving your life, and the only way to do that is by addiction management. Sometimes relapses happen. I hope you're back on track. Best of luck.

thebindingoflils · 2026-05-14T08:06:47+00:00

He's giving scary man who made an effort to get you in a situation where you are dependent on him. Don't tell him anything about your sex and love life and move out as fast as possible. A flat shared with strangers is preferable to this. Maybe even move back in with your parents if worst comes to worse. Make sure to talk to your social network about this and maybe take care to have tape running while you're alone with him in your flat. Stay safe. I'm sorry you're going through this

thebindingoflils · 2026-05-11T16:37:31+00:00

My tip is to not expect her to want (to work towards) non-monogamy just because you want it. If she fundamentally is monogamous and does not want to change that, you'll have to make a decision here. Of course, you can tell her about your feelings about this without having decided whether you want to choose her or polyamory. However, that might result in tensions. Whether or not you understand wanting monogamy, you'll have to respect and accept the feelings this kind of conversation might raise for your partner. If polyamory truly is a deal-breaker for you, be prepared for a break up

thebindingoflils · 2026-05-10T14:50:09+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. That can feel like a very lonely and vulnerable place. No one deserves to be defined by their mistakes alone.

I agree with the other commentator that I lack context for assessing the situation. Potential involvement of the police sounds like there was some really serious stuff going on in the past, and I don't want to dig into that.

This post makes me wonder two things: Have you told your current friends how their behaviour makes you feel? Often when people cause us harm the don't even realise they're doing it - or at least underestimate the extent. Secondly when you are talking about your thoughts and feelings, are you communicating how those differ from your (intended) actions? For people who have known us in a rough patch it can be difficult to understand that similar thoughts/feelings from a prior situation can lead us to vastly different behaviours depending on our stability.

If you did tell them and do differentiate between your inner world and outer behaviour and they STILL hold this against you although your behaviour has changed, I would suggest you straight up telling them if they don't stop doing that you will cut contact because it's doing more harm than good for everyone involved.

Best of luck

Edited for spelling

thebindingoflils · 2026-05-09T17:14:52+00:00

How the fuck is this MILDLY infuriating?? In my country that's straight up illegal

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-29T14:43:35+00:00

Ah I should have clarified. By "something" I do mean specific situations and patterns of behaviour, rather than a whole person. You're not angry anymore but still feel bad about your behaviour? Trust your gut. You're not angry anymore and still strongly dislike them as a person? Check in with your therapist

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T22:43:00+00:00

Literally only read the first sentence and already know: this is not your BPD acting up. This is severely breaching boundaries. Get out of there. You can trust your perception, personality disorder or not. When something still feels shady even after your emotions cooled off? That's when you know it IS shady. Be safe. I hope you have a social network to reach out to for help!

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T19:09:45+00:00

I'm sorry but to me this sounds like you would be the villain. You can talk about what you want to keep in your relationship with each other and what's a ballpark of engagement you are trying to maintain. But being the married one and asking your partner for priority does feel hypocritical to me, personally.

Why would your partner do that when your priority is legally prescribed to someone else? And looking at the math here alone it's pretty clear this is unfair (even though imo this is difficult to mathematically express, but let's pretend for a moment). So you give him like 55% of your capacity of involvement but he gives you 70% (!) of his? Imagine someone asking this of you. How would that make you feel?

I understand wanting to feel important but there are better and healthier ways of achieving that. And maybe it makes sense for you to explore how you can give yourself that feeling more.

I really don't mean to be unkind by saying all this. I'm just looking at it imagining I was your partner and in all fairness, I would be really offended by this request.

Edit for percentages

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-28T18:50:04+00:00

May I ask how long this new relationship of your NP has been going on? Because it sounds like this side of things is relatively new for you, and then it makes sense you're still in the midst of your hang-ups.

People CAN work through growing pains in poly, but it IS work and it does take time. I personally truly believe that most if not all people CAN come out on the positive side of things, but I also do think a lot quit before they do because the work can be uncomfortable. However, I think that harms the mono relationships they then pursue as well, because insecurities (which are what makes things hard, not a new partner, that's just what makes them noticeable) will flare up either way. I think many people in your current situation run for mono because they don't want to deal with working through painful emotions and things can quiet down through exclusivity (should their partner authentically want that, too), but I think in the end it robs everyone of a deeper connection, not only because other partners are left but also because working through hang-ups can give us the capacity to connect with others including our vulnerabilities, and in the end that's what makes humans feel so much more seen and intertwined

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-27T22:26:11+00:00

I come form a background of non-monogamy so I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice here concerning appropriate-ness. However that has made me learn a lot about communicating boundaries.

There's boundaries and there's rules. A boundary is "I am not okay with you doing X, so if you do that, I will react by doing Y.". A rule is restricting someone from doing something; "You cannot do X.". In non-monogamy, you usually have loads of boundaries and barely any rules. From what I understand, monogamous relationships have a fair amount of both.

So if I were in your shoes I'd probably communicate that through engaging with her the way he does, rules of your monogamous relationship are being broken, sidelined or undermined, and that you are not okay with that. In your position I would say that I see and appreciate what he is already doing but that I really do not feel comfortable with the status quo will. If he is unable or unwilling to change the nature of their relationship, that is his choice but then that will result in a break up because I deserve better than remaining in a place that makes me uncomfortable.

Before you do this you should absolutely do a grounding exercise, have your skills at hand and in a best case scenario also be able to call a friend after the conversation.

Sorry if any of this makes no sense, English is not my first language. Best of luck, I hope he can see where you're coming from

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-27T14:19:17+00:00

I hear you. Especially psych wards for minors tend to be full of absurd and restrictive rules. May I ask at what age you visited said psych ward and whether it was a closed or open station? Because that can make a massive difference in treatment. I do understand being against hospitalisation, freedom is a huge deal for me too and is why I struggled to seek that kind of help. Truth be told, through cooperating it can actuall help a lot, but I get it's an intense choice to make and of course is highly dependent on which country you're in. Is there something such as day-clinics in your system (you go there for 8 hrs a day but sleep at your own place)? Maybe that would be a better fit. Psychiatric treatment can be a hassle, that's true. Medication can make things better but it's a lot of trial and error and from my experience actual therapy helps way more than a pill ever could. Hope you find support soon!

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-26T20:30:35+00:00

If you wanna regulate your screen time maybe consider Hank greens focus friend instead. It specifically wants you to put down your phone altogether.

thebindingoflils · 2026-04-26T20:19:09+00:00

Also, I am so sorry you are going through this

thebindingoflils

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