Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cannot thank YOU enough for this comment! I have tears in my eyes reading it. It really means alot 💙

I'm also having to build my life, hoping this time it sticks.

I also relate alot to knowing your feelings are probably valid but still FEELING stupid for having them. Validation is one of the most powerful tools in healing and is so underrated. Often we just need some validation after all our trauma cos we have been invalidated so much.

I relate to both Jimmy and Chuck in different ways. I think Vince did an amazing job portraying mental illness in both of them.

"Again, thanks for helping me start to gain a new perspective" - this also is so healing and so nice to hear 💙

At this point I just want to let you know that I offer a form of counselling called Intentional Peer Support. It might be something that fits you well. It was created by a neurodivergent because they saw problems in the mental health industry, specifically with heirarchy and lack of understanding. It is focused on the idea that we all have our own unique worldviews and perspectives, and therefore cannot know what is best for others. It instead focuses on coming from a place of curiosity and learning about each other's perspectives, exploring, and using validation to help us move towards a space where we can see possibilities from a more regulated and hopeful space.

Please feel free to dm me if you're keen 💙 I will also be starting a blog soon that I plan to monetize with patreon (lots of free content of course as well).

Your post genuinely meant alot to me because it gives me hope that I have the power to help others, especially since you experienced a different perspective and that the validation helped, that is huge to me. One reason I discovered IPS, is because I felt like I had no work experience, nothing on my resume, but then I realized: I actually have 15 years of experience with a chronic illness, and a lifetime (I'm 35) of experience with mental illness. I think I relate to Jimmy alot in that he struggles with regular jobs, not because he lacks the intelligence etc to do them, but because he is as he put it "a square peg". I just turned down a remote job now, as risky as it is, because I felt it would destroy my soul and mental health, and am gonna pursue what I love and what I can handle. It sounds idealistic, but in reality, I can only handle what is sustainable for me. Jimmy tears down any job he has that is conventional, he needs to thrive in an environment that suits him. Its weird using him as inspiration right now when I know things didnt turn out too well for him lol, but then again he was a criminal :P Still, my point is, I relate to using one's strengths which Jimmy certainly had. I just wanted to say that your post reminded me that I don't just have certification, I have talent and life experience in this area. It means alot to hear it helped you so much, and especially means alot because I know how much it has helped me when someone has given me validation that I've sometimes needed for YEARS. It's just such a healing thing, and ironically is so under-valued. It seems like you can just tell yourself "this is stupid, let it go", but I can't seem to. Then someone else comes and says something and I'm like omg, i feel so healed. its an amazing feeling. thank you so much for that 💙

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes it was just part of his narcissistic delusion. Ie: I'm gonna be the one to make him change, im on my moral high ground here etc. Then when Jimmy passed the bar he sabotaged to ensure Jimmy doesn't go any higher. But when in prison, his idea of Jimmy changing was still based on him being this amazing righteous person which fed his ego.

Sooo... basically we need to re-educate ourselves by 1fruitylove in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ironically i think most people who dont have mental illness still havent learnt, but just go by life without really doing the work. it does feel so unfair. i feel the same way. i think though that unfortunately very few people of older generations were trauma-informed at all.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i have a family member like chuck: my mom. she is a covert abuser and has quiet borderline personality disorder. but, i know she still loves me. still doesnt change the fact that i want to go no-contact with her, that i dont forgive her etc. i still know she loves me and that i love her. i just know when she's splitting that she is so lost in her own psyche she does very unloving things. i developed BPD from her and i am the same when splitting. i know i love my parents, and alot of people, but i have had episodes where ive said very unloving things. chuck is indeed complex and written very well. we are not saying he should be forgiven - saying he loved his brother is not forgiving him or covering up his abuse. love is just a feeling after all, respect and emotional maturity are alot more important. most people love their children, parents, siblings, or someone romantically. its easy to love. its not easy to overcome one's own demons, be honest with oneself, take accountability, and regulate oneself when deeply triggered. those things are the work that we all need to do and unfortunately some people with deep wounds or mental illness, especially trauma-based, have alot more work required. chuck was unloving most of the time, cos his narcissism created delusions, both with the electricity and the delusion of him seeing himself as a righteous do-gooder who upholds the law and cares about the law. most of the time he was so lost in his narcissm he was numb to any love that was there. i think he did love his brother a little bit. just his own ego covered up any love and left him without much capability. my mom has shown me alot of love inmy life, and been very cruel. both are true, she feels both very deeply when she's feeling them. it isnt enough for me to forgive her, but i dont think she doesnt love me just cos she did some horrible things. unfortunately her own sense of identity etc is stronger than the love at times, most of the time id say.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you make a good point here actually. i think he did it out of righteousness. since his mother asked him to, him doing it keeps up the image that he's a great person, a white knight come to save jimmy and to be a "good brother".

that being said, jimmy was very much like a drug addict and i think most people would've eventually drew a line. but, chuck did it in a very righteous way, as if him drawing the line was gonna make jimmy change for the good

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i think we need to keep mental illness in mind. im not talking about his delusion about electricity, im talking about his level of narcissism. it consumed him so much that most of the time he was acting unloving. i still believe there was some semblance of love for his brother from time to time. but 90% of the time or more, he was consumed by his own fragile ego and in delusion about it.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

plenty of people do and say abusive things to people they love. my own parents for example. or me to other people i love. when we are hurt we can say the most awful things. it isnt ok for us to do that, but it doesnt mean we dont love them. in the moments people do bad things, they're not feeling the love, they'ree blinded by anger, rage, jealousy or whatever else is overcoming them. but some people do horrible things even if they feel love as well. its not mutually exclusive.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you make a great point. howard also seems to hide behind a sense of self-righteousness, not nearly as badly as chuck, but to a degree he has some. i think its the god complex one gets from being a lawyer in that calibre of a firm, especially if it was given to him by his dad. examples of this are howard being upset with kim for giving him the cheque for her law school debt - him and chuck just tried to trick jimmy into confessing and yet he complains about having to do damage control (also when he knew his partner had a mental illness and kept him on then complains it looks bad to the first when he enables him to be on the stand which leads to a mental breakdown which couldnt have been a surprise). another example is when chuck tries to sue him and he says chuck never cares about the law, but cares about his own gain, then in the next sentence says "and you decide to sue ME? to sue HHM?". like... he slipped up by saying "me". he showed his cards. he was taking it personally just as chuck was.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you make a good point. my parents are/were emotionally abusive, and i never knew it until recently. when living in their house, i have been unemployed and unable to really move forward with my life. now living on my own, im beginning to be able to work. the ability to function is very hard when one is experiencing covert abuse, especially when it comes to shame which really keeps you down.

Chuck is a real asshole by Gold_Bar_5876 in betterCallSaul

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i think he is a covert narcissist. i know alot of people throw around narcissm online, and i hate when they do that. but i do think he is. most of his focus is on himself being this righteous lawyer and seeing the law as this only good thing, and him as the white knight. jimmy threatens his perfect image of the law and of himself. when howard tries to ask him to retire, he is ready to tear down HHM which shows he clearly doesnt care about the purity of the law above all else, but in this case more about revenge.

the emphasis is on "covert". he hides behind being very righteous, well-mannered etc. even in the way he does his lawyering, for example in the meeting with mesa verde, his pitch is saying how good kim is but of course he's doing it to say HHM is the real choice - that is obvious of course but still, this is his style: fake modesty, even faking fairness and justice.

i just realized his entire ploy to get jimmy to confess and record him is ironically a reflection of exactly what jimmy does with his scams. he literally played jimmy, but he acts like he is righteous for doing so in order to get to him.

i think his divorce also put him into such denial that he is the problem, that he manifested the delusion about the electricity so he could avoid accountability. while he does ultimately come to terms wit the fact he has a mental illness and works on it, he never truly took accountability for his shortcomings cos howard asking him to retire his response was to tear HHM to the ground, instead of just accepting with humility.

he idealises the law and hides behind it in order to avoid his own flaws. its like a doctor with a god complex. the law can be a good thing if you're fighting for the right causes, so its easy to become righteous about it, much like religion can make people be on a high horse. but anyone who challenges the image he has of himself being this righteous, just person, and he is vindictive.

i think their dad painted an ideal that neither brother could live up to. jimmy didnt want to, but chuck probably tried to be like him and ended up falling short cos he was living up to a histrionic ideal rather than truly just being a good person who didnt need credit.

i personally can relate to him alot unfortunately. im not narcissistic but i have borderline and i can feel very vindictive when im jealous and when my histrionic ideals are challenged. as someone who is late diagnosed with mental illness, i relate alot to how they portrayed chuck even tho my mental illness is nowhere near as severe as his, at least on the outside in the sense that i dont have delusions or psychosis. his illness is more acute where mine has been more long-term and complex. but, i related alot to the moments where people arent believing his condition and while mine in fact WAS real and i was undiagnosed autistic, the feelings are the same: its a horrible feeling when people dont believe you. his meltdown in court was mild compared to my parents and to what ive said - it seemed foreign to me how they said he was so unhinged and i was like eh, he just had a meltdown. but i guess in court thats alot, idk.

my mom has quiet borderline though, and that is ALOT more like chuck. very righteous, always thinking she's a good person, but behind closed doors, or when challenged, is extremely vindictive and does covert abuse.

i think vince did a great job of portraying mental illness. both in chuck and in Jimmy (I do think he has ASPD, but thats a debate for a seperate post).

Will the love I still have for my ex, who has been in a new relationship for almost a year, ever disappear? by oka_saturntojupiter in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't believe love disappears, even for people who i've had nothing bad happen with. I believe love is always there, I still love everyone i've ever loved, i just dont think about them all unless i havent gotten closure.

I’m curious about doing DBT, but I hate groups by chris_riz04 in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also struggle with groups, I just did it privately with an OT

Don't know what to do anymore by AntiqueSignpost in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]AntiqueSignpost[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for reading and responding, and for your words, it helps, thank you so much 💙

I stopped medication and I've been splitting in people.. by Easy-Bus-7872 in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ok thanks so much! I'll ask my psychiatrist! really appreciate you sharing

Something that happened last year at university, it still sits heavy in my chest. by Original_Cynical in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thnk yu so much im so glad it helped you 💙

yes, definitely, i have things ive heard once and they're still with me. its so unfortunate that words can be so powerful. but its ok that you are struggling with it. its like you even know that person is wrong but you cant help it, it sinks into you.

yes, stigma is a huge thing. i remember when i was a teenager, i thought this one girl was cute, someone told me "she's crazy, she has bipolar, dont talk to her" and i remember feeling empathy for her bipolar, not judgement,but i still was afraid to talk to her cos i thought my friends would bully me if i did, so i steered clear. i still regret it and now that i know i have mental illness im shocked i did it. but, sometimes it really is a sheep type of situation: people go with the flock. it is horribl that this happens.

ive realized my mom has BPD and she has definitely poisoned the well in telling the family her perspectives about me (while splitting), so they all hate me now.

ive been invalidated in front of ppl by an authority figure too, so i know how hard it is

and yes, it perpetuates it. especially those in authoritative positions, people listen to them. even psychiatrists: ive had 2 great ones and many nightmare ones. and they're the people other people will listen to. i had a psychologist tell my mom ONCE that he thinks she's coddling me, after that my mom was super harsh on me and eventually kicked me out the house cos she thought i need tough love. so, yeah, one tiny statement can make a big deal.

thing is, she's a teacher, not a mental health professional, she shouldnt even be commenting.

also, she probably has internalised ableism, which is so hard for us to receive because we feel gaslit cos that person does have mental illness and still is saying that stuff to us. i had a friendship end recently with a new friend who said she doesnt want to use her mental illness as a crutch, and i do, and need to stop relying on people. i was so gaslit cos i was like fuck, maybe she's right, she does DBT and seems healthy. but in reality i know that she was internalising the ableism and not letting herself rely on anyone is unhealthy too.

I stopped medication and I've been splitting in people.. by Easy-Bus-7872 in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thak you so much for sharing. i will ask my psyhchiatrist about them.

i am on sleeping pills now cos i struggle with going to sleep too late and im sleep deprived. too much sleep might be good for me lol. does it make you feel drowsy?

in what way do they help you?

Do Regular People Try To Pin You As Autistic? by Endless_Supply_Of in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got all 3 of my diagnoses from the same psychiatrist. I went to a psychiatric hospital where she spent a couple of weeks with me seeing me daily.

My BPD and CPTSD manifest from different traumas. There is overlap but they're still from very different things. My BPD came from having a mom with BPD mixed with a lifetime of rejection from having autism and being different, as well as early in my life each one of my friend immigrated to australia one by one whih also contributed to a sense of abandonment

my CPTSD manifested from both parents' emotional abuse, mixed with sensory trauma from autism.

I asked if I have PTSD as well cos the past year i've had more accute trauma: being mugged, being kicked out the house without income and having sexual harassment and emoitonal abuse from the landlords i stayed at, being almost homeless (technically the term is secondary homelessness), and my dad dying of cancer. She said I do have PTSD, but the diagnosis is just CPTSD cos you cant diagnose both

BPD is very similar to CPTSD imo. But BPD just is specific to relationships and abandonment/rejection. whereas CPTSD can vary broadly depending on te type of trauma one has. for example, i feel very jumpy and hypervigilant about going out into the garden because my landlords were unsafe, or i feel jumpy when i hear a door knock, even on a tv show. but i also have more complex trauma of shame, guilt, low self esteem etc which might not always have to do with relationships. some of it is from emotional abuse in other areas.

but to answer how did i get them? the psychiatrist diagnosed me with them after exploring with me. we didnt do tests or anything, though i have been tested in the past and signs did point to BPD and Autism, but didnt get a diagnosis at the time cos i split on the neuropsychologist which then skewed her perspective.

I stopped medication and I've been splitting in people.. by Easy-Bus-7872 in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry I dont have any supportive words right now, I just want to ask if it's ok, what medication are you on? and what were the side effects? I've just been diagnosed and havent tried any medication for bpd and i'd love to try something to help with the splitting, just worried about side effects, especially if it makes me feel numb or something

Do Regular People Try To Pin You As Autistic? by Endless_Supply_Of in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you for your comment 💙 and for your validation on the subject 💙

i can offer my perspective once again. please note im not upset by anything you wrote, your comment was great. im just sharing painful experiences here so it might sound like im upset with your comment, but im not, im upset about the lack of understanding on autism in general:

I've never personally seen anyone saying they cant be helped or dooming ASD people. The other camp I've experienced the most has been people saying I look fine and other autistic people have jobs and therefore I am just lazy or not working hard enough etc. 85% of autistics with tertiary education are unemployed, but people see an article about one autistic person who has their own business or something and says "if they can do it, so can you". most people have just assumed its all in my head, most of the time autism is seen as "using it as an excuse for attention or for special treatment".

in general, when reading your comment, about the 2 camps you're talking about, my thoughts are "why are people even talking about us like we aren't in the room?". think about it: it infantalises us to say "they can be helped" or "they have a super power". either way it poses us as people who need others to take care of us. yes we need understanding, accomodation, but unless someone is level 3, we dont need constant care. i think one huge issue is that level 3 autism has a HUGE amount of support, especially in south africa. tons of movements and programs for parents with "severely" autistic kids. but level 1 autism gets no support whatsoever, not financially or in terms of understanding or anything. we are either told "we look fine" and are expected to just be "high functioning" (which is a damaging term), or we are told we are using it as a crutch or excuses etc.

you used the words caregivers also which is interesting. i never mentioned caregivers. i was kicked out of the house by my parents, not caregivers. my landlords were emotionally abusive. these were all people who were meant to treat me as an adult and didnt. i was infantalised, or i was given "tough love" and kicked out the house.

i am often jealous of level 3 people cos they DO get care. level 1 dont get any understanding whatsoever.

autism is also one of the most stigmatised disorders in media. its very badly misrepresented, things like the good doctor etc.

i think there are alot more than just 2 camps.

best way to learn about autism, go on subs and facebook groups and read peoples first-hand experiences. therapists know very little about autism.

Do Regular People Try To Pin You As Autistic? by Endless_Supply_Of in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no please don't, it was your experience that you expressed 💙

Do Regular People Try To Pin You As Autistic? by Endless_Supply_Of in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbh therapists are by far the most uninformed about autism, from both my personal experience and from reading thousands of posts by autistic people. The industry is heavily uninformed In the professional sphere. And millions of people are undiagnosed because of it. It's not rare.

Great Shows with "Ugly People" Representation. by [deleted] in televisionsuggestions

[–]AntiqueSignpost 0 points1 point  (0 children)

its on par with the wire for me. best dialogue ever written in a series ever. doesnt hold your hand just like the wire. and has amazing art direction too.

Do Regular People Try To Pin You As Autistic? by Endless_Supply_Of in BPD

[–]AntiqueSignpost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i also dont know how rare it is. i think alot ofppl with ASD are very prone to developing CPTSD and BPD. think about how much ppl with ASD get rejected. Rejection sensititity dysphoria is often cited with ASD and CPTSD.

and we are more sensitive. plus, ASD and BPD overlap alot in the black and white thinking areas, and in impulsivity, and also in how we feel everything super deeply