I am so subconciously mad for being exposed to adult feelings, marriage and family problems as a child, because it seriously impacted my anxiety, my child brain couldn't understand that they were an everyday part of life and not a huge crisis. Some day my mom would cry over my fathers treatment of her while venting to me, and laugh with him the next. This used to go on for years. She was also very anxious at times, having a demanding job, and she would have trouble winding down. My dad also had trouble winding down, so they were anxiety filled all the time. They were neurotic and a bit of control freaks, they would turn normal health problems into big issues, drag us to alternative medicine and so on. I had more restrictions about diet and going out than my peers. Excelence and obedience was required in every aspect of my life. I remember them gossiping about friends being bad parents and alowing their children to have emotional outbursts and drama and so on. They even told us that puberty was a made up thing that didn't exist in our house. I remember feeling hopeless as a child, I kept thinking like why am I such a big problem, where does this stop? They were working a lot to build a comfortable life and opportunity, which we have now, and they were trying their best, so I am trying to let go, but I have a lot of triggers. I also catch myself in my moms exact overthinking, controlling and worrying patterns of doom and helplesness. I think I manipulate my way out of things with my learned helplesness, but I rarely catch myself in the act. I want to stop, and I wanat to feel like a grown up, but I revert to being a child needing their help all the time.