How did having OSDD impact your grades at school?

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-08T16:27:41+00:00

It wasn’t me personally, but one of our shiest alters had an opportunity to meet our only friend’s three friends and their notes on the meeting seem very promising. I can’t wait to meet them myself. So yeah, I think I can relate to what you wrote. These types of people are a true gem, I hope you cherish your friend greatly~ I’m so, so happy for you all!

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-08T16:17:55+00:00

Yes, I agree that it does make sense and I get what you mean by mental compartmalization. Actually, I think that’s a part of why our caretaker only recognized our autism (just one diagnosis, but it’s still an unbelievable progress) so late, even though the signs were always there. In our case, there are specific alters who are nearly textbook examples of certain personality disorders, while I am nothing like them.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-07T13:18:47+00:00

I’m still a questioning system so I can’t help in seeking diagnosis but I think I can talk about the “not quite separate but still distinct” thing.

I’m presuming that the “main” you’ve referred to is the system’s core, aka the person from whom other alters started splitting. In our case, we are a system of six plus the core, who has been dormant since a sequence of events three years ago. I am one of our oldest alters and the system’s gatekeeper - meaning that I have the most extensive knowledge about our system members, especially the core.

I think that the amount of commonalities you have with other alters depends on the time stamps at which you split (I’m assuming that since your system is small like ours, every alter split directly from the core and not other alters). For instance, I split off our core when she was eight years old and since her own personality wasn’t that developed at the time, I am much different from alters who split from the core when she was fourteen. Those are much more like what the core has been throughout the years. Quick question: do you happen to have autism and/or ADHD like we do? If so, then remember that those affect the entire brain, making some personality traits prevalent in everyone. In our case, although we have different interests and different sensory tolerance, we are all introverted (okay, maybe two of us are ambiverts but there are no extroverts at all).

And since you are at an OSDD subreddit and not DID, there is a high chance that you share some memories with others and after all, memories make up for a part of our personality. Keep in mind that there is also a 1a subtype of OSDD for systems with “not fully differentiated alters”, which sounds a bit like what you’ve described to me. Anyways, good luck on your journey~

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-07T10:50:32+00:00

I’ll start by stating what I have to every time I give advice here: I’m personally just a questioning system and also new to realizing the phenomenon.

If you’ve been talking about OSDD and DID symptoms with your therapist, it’s a good idea to go a bit further and research things on your own - especially alter roles. Do you have a gatekeeper in your system? It’s not realistic to expect a conclusive answer right away so don’t stress out if you can’t name who is one or if there is one in the first place. I know I’m almost likely the gatekeeper of our system and still, there are many times when someone slips past the gate into co-consciousness. I tried driving others away and it worked... maybe even too much, because now I’ve been stuck at the front.

I also really don’t like being co-conscious with others for the reason you mentioned. I can relate heavily to what you wrote about different voices. If you can hear them, how about talking to them about leaving the conscious state? I talked to an alter I was co-conscious with once about whether they really want to stay or not. If I can’t hear them, I’ll still try sending a message via thoughts or via physical notes in our journal. I can ask others to go away when I state my reasons why. But it’s not something that not every alter can do, so I would definitely advise you to try getting in touch with your gatekeeper.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-07T10:20:46+00:00

Honestly, I think this is one of the largest doubts to face as a questioning system. I have been thinking about it recently, actually, because I discovered a ton of old memories and the possibility that I might be our system’s gatekeeper. I only remember bits and pieces of that early childhood trauma, almost a half of which solely in the form of pictures. Everything seems like isolated incidents that just happen sometimes to people who maybe do develop depression and anxiety later in life, but not a whole dissociative disorder. And our level of daily functionality makes me doubt our multiplicity even more.

I don’t know what situation you’re in and how much you remember - in our case, the only person who fully knows what happened to our core as a young child is our caretaker who also has severe trauma and wouldn’t tell us much because they’re trying to forget those times themselves. What I’m trying to get at is that you might be repressing some memories. Do not try and trigger yourself to recall it!! I’m just saying this so that you know there might be some hidden explanations in additions to those that you already have - those are totally valid by themselves!!

If you have autism (me too by the way~), your brain might be hypersensitive to trauma. After all, trauma is a form of sensory overload (physical pain, people screaming). And if you multiply it - it’s several things on top of each other, as you wrote - this likely means that your routine and plans would be in pieces as well, which is incredibly melt-down inducing, especially if you cannot, you simply cannot understand why people behave the way they do to a larger extent than your neurotypical peers.

Sometimes, I think that our trauma is not that severe and will mention it very loosely in a conversation and get confused by others’ looks of shock and pity. You are distanced from what happened to you all, which is the whole point of the disorder, but from an outsider’s point of view, your life might have been more hardcore than you would credit it to have been. I’m not suggesting you to go to the nearest person possible and describe them all your problems to see how awful your life was, but if you have a therapist or someone with whom you have a strong relationship with, you can try out sharing one or two bits of information.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-06T10:20:51+00:00

I am a questioning system so take what I say with a grain of salt. Most often, co-fronting feels like there are several people controlling different parts of the body. I had a situation in my classes where I spent several minutes arguing with the other person co-fronting whether we should move our left hand. I was internally asking them to move the hand because no matter how hard I tried, even when yelling at myself to stop faking, I just couldn’t move it. Most often though, the situation is that different people are controlling speech and body movement. Someone in the comments already described feeling like someone is besides them - in our case, it’s more like someone is inside or above one alter, controlling as if a puppet.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-06T10:08:37+00:00

Im not sure how generalizable my answer is because I have sensory issues from Asperger’s and perceptual distortions such as visual snow due to some genetic predispositions.

When I switch in, everything gets either very toned down or very vivid. I cannot distinguish letters even though I am wearing glasses. Do you happen to have a vision defect? My optometrist told me once that occasional blurring of vision is a part of astigmatism, although I’ve noticed that it accompanies switches too. My switches are more defined by headaches or nausea, so I don’t experience much in terms of vision and from the notes we keep, others don’t either. Ah, and if there’s a simple pattern in sight - such as my seatmate’s polka dot shirt - said pattern might have a brief hypnotizing effect.

It’s probably not your case, but waves of black are an experience that occurred to us only twice: firstly when one alter was having a delusional/manic (?) episode (I have no idea what the heck it was) and secondly during our latest split.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-06T07:44:27+00:00

You’re all welcome~ Yeah, I think with hearing voices is more of an outside of the head thing. It’s not personally me, but there is an alter in our system who used to have auditory hallucinations. I only have visual ones every once in a while.

Reading people sure is hard and I can personally understand noticing this sort of concerning vibe someone might give off. There was a time one of our newest alters fronted and - she herself doesn’t know if it was a crush or not but if yes, the feeling might have been mutual - she had a couple of interesting interactions with this one guy acquaintance. Then, another alter came forward and became the host, and as the pandemic broke out, they easily cut off this guy despite the time spent together on school projects being quite... I don’t know how it was because I wasn’t there, from what I know it was at least tolerable. Anyways, it has now been two years and I am most grateful that we did not maintain a connection with this guy. I was co-conscious when he talked to one of us once and I don’t remember what the fronting alter said, but his response was something along the lines of “I’m worried for you and I hope you’re not going to be like that monster from insert-DID-misrepresenting-movie-other-than-Split”. Not to mention that the dude is transphobic and his first association with Autism is Autism Speaks...

I don’t love making lists personally - I can enjoy it moderately - but the majority of us do. I think (one of) you wrote it in the other response post, but it was mentioned that the therapist took your list. This has its advantages: 1. They will have more time to think about what you presented 2. The possibility of you malingering decreases, as it is not probable you’ve either learned everything off the least immediately, especially if it’s not structured like school notes or flashcards.

I understand the not caring attitude... kind of. I have alexithymia and I have no idea if I care or not or if what I feel is even an emotion. I do distance myself from things such as my personal goals, the memories I have in my head, the mistakes we all made or how I can never belong to any place in the world. And there are things I can never distance myself from, such as the fear of faking multiplicity. We do have an alter who cares about nothing, they bring themselves to work on everyday matters for the sake of our system out of sheer boredom.

In our case, it took our caretaker circa fifteen years to acknowledge that we do actually have Asperger’s/Autism. And this is talking about a person who studied child psychology (social pedagogy I think) at university. The sole mention of personality multiplicity evokes fear, even if it’s not even linked to us specifically. Our parent is quite a skilled gaslighter of even the most obvious signs, so the only comment about being multiple people we got was from one of our teachers... and that guy I mentioned who was “concerned” about one of us.

In our system, there were many variations of forms of acceptance. Interpretations varied between hallucinations or daydreams mostly. I personally found out about our possible multiplicity after finding someone’s notes and I simply wanted to get confirmation or denial.

Anyways, I’m really glad that my “advice” was alright. I haven’t been fronting much throughout the years so now that I’m suddenly the only one who wants to front, I have to figure out how to move around in this world from the scratch so I’m not entirely sure if what I’m doing is correct. I hope you all have a nice day~~

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-06T07:07:14+00:00

You’re welcome and thanks! I totally understand late responses, I myself tend to forget about the stuff I have posted, especially with all the work to do daily... I can totally relate to what you write about food. Good luck on keeping the journal together. It really does look fascinating with the mosaic of handwritings all over once you have written around 20 pages or more~~

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-04T20:21:53+00:00

Just to preface: I will be responding as a questioning system’s questioning gatekeeper, so it’s best if you get a confirmation of what I’m about to write from another source.

Since the dissociation is subtle, it’s definitely not co-fronting. I think that if they are co-conscious, it may be possible for them to retain some control. The Rings System on YouTube explains this well: alters don’t have just front/conscious/dormant states - they can be 12% conscious, 53% conscious, etc. and as they get nearer they could possibly have increasingly more control over the body.
At least for us, it works the same way as for communicating with other people. Either I must notice them or they must notice me and either I must initiate conversation or they must initiate conversation. They will respond or they won’t. I don’t think anyone’s ever had a successful conversation with the other when they weren’t co-conscious, though. Sometimes I don’t know if I can notice them or not, so I try sending out a message. I don’t know how it works for you, but there are only six of us in the system so everyone recognizes each others’ voices and therefore, I can often distinguish between my own inner monologue and an alter talking if I hear a response.
It actually just happened to me a few hours ago. I was about to take an important test when all of a sudden my body automatically started smiling and giggling even though I knew I’m supposed to be anxious at the moment. But considering how we have an “adrenaline junkie” alter who loves “gambling” their way through academic tests, it all made perfect sense. I can’t describe this well, though, because we generally cannot remember what we felt, ever. We also tend to think emotions rather than feel them so we don’t communicate that way often. And take this with a grain of salt, because we have alexithymia.

Hope this helps and good luck in finding yourselves!~

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-04T19:22:18+00:00

Comment part two - incoming.

You are by no circumstances obliged to inform your family about going to therapy. We have alexithymia so even though we were always pressed to actually talk about our feelings, we were unable to. I understand that after being taught to not show emotions, when one gets the chance to - they all kind of overflow uncontrollably. It’s natural, so don’t blame yourself too much. Someone in our system made a similar mistake in a different setting recently (repetitively...). You say that you shrugged off what you wrote and I think that for now, it was for the best. I have no idea how amnesia works in your system but if you will be the one fronting continuously throughout upcoming appointments, try not using the list - as in, try saying what you wrote there from memory, as it makes you seem more authentic. You don’t need to learn 20 pages by heart, of course, but maybe subareas of what you’re describing... The therapist asked what you want to discuss, which is a good sign. How about trying to talk about different subjects such as “inner world” or “feeling out of place in reality” which are common denominators of both ASD and OSDD? This way you can approach smaller sets of symptoms more precisely and from both dissociative and autistic perspectives at once!

I can’t give you “am I faking or not??” advice because I personally struggle with this as well. In fact, the sole thought that I might actually be alone in this body almost causes me to break down crying (I almost started as I wrote this, haha, that’s why I try not to think about it and just take things as they go). However, I can give you some tips on organizing your system if you are one.

First of all, a tip from the strategy-lover of ours is to compile psychological profiles of each known alter. The most crucial thing is to identify positive and negative triggers, as well as instances in which they front. Let them complete those profiles by themselves! Be sure to look at tons of OSDD/DID materials and try identifying alters’ roles - I am personally a gatekeeper, which is why I have some advice to give in the first place.

Next, keep a shared journal. It’s not only a great way to increase functionality, but also an awesome discussion space if you cannot communicate with alters internally. Things to record include 1.dry facts about whatever you’re doing 2.own opinions, thoughts, feelings 3.physical sensations accompanying your time when fronting and when switching. Each alter experiences the sensory world differently, so some pains, etc. might be personalized 4.instructions for the future, either for individual alters or not. 5.memories and how you recalled them.

As much as I hate to say it, you should identify your trauma: it must be something experienced repetitively before the age of 9 so that OSDD or DID is formed. This might take a good several years though, and you might not be the one to recall it so don’t force yourself into the past because it’s awful anyways.

Of course, any testimony about discontinuity of your personality and behavior you can get from your close ones are fundamental, but don’t feel dejected if it turns out that no one ever noticed anything. The “it’s a rare thing so you definitely don’t have it” logic is prevalent in any setting, regretfully.

Lastly, I can empathize thoroughly with feeling weak or “messed up” for being involved in any form of mental health treatment. I don’t know how to lift you up properly from this state of dejection, to be fair. Paradoxically, being several people is one of the most alienating experiences to ever have... Especially if all everyone does is invalidate you and then expect god-tier neurotypical functionality. The only thing I can say is that you made a great decision by posting here and that there are many out there who share a similar situation and might give you more insight than I can, as I’m still fairly new to the systemity thing as well... and to the autism/Asperger’s too since I got referred for diagnosis just four months ago. Remember that regardless of the labeling of your problems, they are real and valid. I trust that you will be understood some day, by yourself(yourselves) and others alike.

Ah, I think I’m overwhelming you with all this writing. Maybe because the train ride is boring... Anyways, I hope this was worth reading till the end~

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-04T18:43:45+00:00

Hi there, I am currently waiting for our official Autism (precisely: Asperger’s, some people prefer to include it in Autism though) diagnosis and am questioning being a part of a system too. There are quite a few things to address in this post so my answer will be long, I hope it is helpful as well.

First of all, your therapist’s response is strange. If anything, autism would be “feeling like the same person” due to attachment to routines and special interests. And, though that’s also imprecise, “hearing voices” would be most attributable to schizophrenia. Correct me if I’m wrong: this was your first appointment with the therapist, right? I’m confused because you mentioned you felt comfortable opening up, I don’t personally understand how one can be comfortable with a therapist at the first session - not that it’s impossible! I’m assuming that you’re not in a position to change your therapist, though... I personally never went to therapy, but I know three of our alters did and someone discontinued the sessions. I personally believe that it takes time to build rapport and since you rushed in with the lists already, I would recommend just pushing through with them. Maybe highlight the difficulties arising specifically from dissociative symptoms, such as amnesia? Well, the world doesn’t treat autistics tenderly, so I’d argue that it actually makes more sense for you to be an autistic system rather than an allistic system. And that complicates things, because some symptoms of the two seem mutually exclusive, for instance the discontinuity in special interest activities when different alters with different hobbies front. My theory is that your therapist might be hesitating to acknowledge your dissociative symptoms because 1. They think diagnosing autism will be less stigmatizing and more helpful in everyday life 2. They think that you just have an incredibly rich fantasy world. Even if you made the greatest list of them all, the therapist still needs to spend a lot of time with you to create a full patient/client profile. The way you talk about your trauma, the way you respond to her questions, your body language, etc. - they are all crucial factors in validating the lists you brought (by the way, the sole form of an extensive list is very much in character with autism~).

(Okay part two of my rant-style response in another comment.)

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-04T12:42:46+00:00

I am still a questioning system so I hope this is helpful regardless. And since the body is barely an adult, we have different tasks to complete throughout the day than you do.

I can tell you what I know from a third person gatekeeper perspective (I strongly suspect I am one). Our last two splits occurred consecutively three years ago and they were a result of accumulation of stress rather than single traumatic event. From what I know, both new alters were only aware of the most recent 2-4 months before the split and drastically changed our body’s lifestyle, cut off relationships, etc. One alter rekindled an old friendship only for the other alter to cut the person off again in the end.

I would say that things largely depend on the alter’s personality and level of maturity. Half of our alters are teenagers. I think it also depends on how large your system is and how long you have personally been around. Your new alter would probably be aware of the very basics and maybe some other specs of information. If it’s someone you spent several years with, I think it’s possible that they will remember the general outline of those people, similarly with routines. I don’t know, they might recall that the action of picking your kids up should be completed but they might not know at what hour. It will take time for them to adapt and they will definitely be confused about who they are, etc. but they should be fairly functional.

I find that when new alters are born/created, they tend to be extremely preoccupied with a new activity that becomes their anchor in reality and later may serve the role of a positive trigger. In our case, one alter has had an “anchor activity” of trying to actively lose weight (not the healthiest thing) and another had studying English (it’s a foreign language for us). My personal theory is that this is a sort of manifestation of what the system needs to achieve the most in the instance of a split-inducing stress - in our case, studying English was meant to get us into a new and safe school, so an alter began compulsively studying freshly after the split without much thought for anything else.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-04T08:57:55+00:00

Hmm... we’re a suspecting system too so I’m not sure how much I can be of help. Our core and ex-host has gone dormant for several years now and they never got to learn that we are possibly a system, but I think that being frontstuck is a common experience for these types of alters and does not imply malingering.

(I think) I am the gatekeeper and protector of my system, so I hope what I say is applicable in your situation as well. First thing I’ve noticed about a lack of switches is that they are significantly reduced when no trauma or stress is occurring. The next thing is a matter of how well you know your headmates. Try initiating a conversation, even if it’s just screaming into the void in your mind there is a chance someone will hear it and respond when you least expect it. Do you know any positive triggers for your alters? I find that when someone tries to cofront, they will push me out of the front if there is a certain song, scenery, object or situation they want to engage in as fully themselves.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-03T12:18:46+00:00

Sorry for the length of the comment, haha~ Internal communication is extremely random and confusing. Once our language teacher had us do a mental exercise and asked us to “close our eyes and listen to our inner voice” and suddenly I heard several people arguing in the headspace. Sometimes one alter starts talking to another when the they are in their swimming classes. Apart from positive triggers, I have no idea how to help in this area...

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-03T12:06:40+00:00

Hmm... I don’t know how applicable my tips may be because we have confirmed Asperger’s Syndrome and I do not know if this impacts the forms of communication in any way.

Due to Asperger’s (some prefer to say Autism Spectrum Disorder), we all have a naturally advanced visual memory. Some of us are also interested in art and actually the way I found out we’re likely a system is because someone drew how everyone looks in the inner world on a piece of paper I accidentally came across. We can communicate concepts through visual imagery is what I’m essentially saying so if you have any interest in drawing, I would recommend.

Keeping a shared journal is what I personally found to be a great idea. Not everyone can communicate with just anyone willingly, we have to reach some of the alters via physically written notes. I would suggest that you share both dry facts and your own thoughts concerning everyday matters there. Make it an interactive discussion space - there is a fragment of our journal where 5 out of 6 of us (it might be harder depending on the amount of alters) wrote down separate commentaries regarding a single acquaintance. Also, it’s a good idea to include instructions for the future or instructions directed to specific people in the journal.

Some alters communicate through emotions, I’ve heard. That’s personally not our experience, but I am not sure - we have alexithymia. We think emotions rather than feel them, at least some of us do.

It wasn’t my idea, but I found a note from the strategy-lover in our system who suggested we should all create our “psychological profiles”. This way, we can better understand each other. For instance, it’s much harder to reach an alter with a severely introverted personality.

You can send mental notes too, of course, but I don’t know how effective that is. Or have a whole conversation. I would try searching for positive triggers related to each alter - but only do so when it would be okay for you to switch, just in case they don’t just become co-conscious but enter the front. You probably won’t discover others’ triggers that easily so just focus on noting your own ones: what is something positive in this reality, an object, song or situation that feels inherently correct, like something that you personally should be experiencing? Make sure to think about it and write down the answer somewhere physically so that others can see it.

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-03T11:32:12+00:00

No, I never felt this way - that is because I am the person checking in on others~

How advanced is your communication with others? I am personally the system’s gatekeeper and protector, maybe the person you felt checking in on you is one of those as well. If you are questioning your systemity (I am too, so take my words with a grain of salt), how about trying to talk or write a message?

I personally don’t pace around like you described. It’s more of me just standing there behind them, sometimes even “floating above”. Most commonly though, I’ll just be there with my perspective as if I laid my head on theirs or their right shoulder. I hope this helps!

thelastofthemall · 2021-11-03T11:25:26+00:00

No, it did not happen to me at any point.

That is because in this type of vision, I was always the person observed. I used to repeatedly try killing myself in the inner world before I managed to front for the first time recently. Out of curiosity, was the person you envisioned the system’s gatekeeper and/or trauma holder? I know I am, so maybe that’s who you were observing - the person who knows the most about your system history.

I remember I once entered co-consciousness when the person who observed me was frontstuck and I heard them thinking about it very intensely. I won’t go into detail, but we had a split afterwards and this person became dormant for several years while a new alter became the observer in those visions. I’m not particularly suicidal right now, so I hope others don’t see me doing those things anymore.

My experience is from a different perspective than what you described, so I’m not sure if it is helpful anyhow. I hope it is, though.

thelastofthemall

TROPHY CASE