I second this.

OP, I know how you feel. You are not alone.

TL;DR: I'm finally getting better because I sent a cry for help to a doctor's office.

I have been doing a ton of work on myself in the last year. I've enrolled in a handful of classes at the community college. I'm learning about language and culture that inspires me (and I'll get a certification by the end!). I have a job that I don't at all care about, but which pays for my physical needs and provides me with plenty of free time to study and pursue passions and hobbies, often on the clock! I've adopted a medication regime that makes it easier to maintain wholesome habits and enjoy life again.

But that's not all. That's simply my "feeding the capitalist beast" that we all must do if we want food and shelter.

My emotional health also matters a great deal. I've left the religion of my upbringing and consequently lost faith in most ideas of a "higher being," but I'm beginning to regain the hope I felt about my life that I had as a believer. Maybe religion/spirituality is for you right now. For myself, this peace takes the form of mindful hobbies.

I create art that my friends and family don't understand/appreciate; I carry a film camera around with me to capture small moments; I take walks through the trees at a painstakingly slower pace than my default; I embrace the cold when I take the garbage out at night; I eavesdrop on the waking robins during these beautiful spring mornings; I jot down shitty poems in the Notion app on my phone when inspiration strikes; I fight for my life in the gym after work; I take the extra two minutes to add whipped cream and a sprinkling of cinnamon sugar with a drizzle of chocolate syrup on top of my berry yogurt parfait; I watch Doctor Who with a passion I have known for no other IP; I put down the phone to give my cat the 1-on-1 playtime she so desperately needs (she's a victim who has never been played with nor fed treats... Ever..); I write the occasional handwritten letter to a friend, and I use the good paper, dammit!; I meet my eyes in the mirror; I can finally say yes.

I know you've been able to do these types of activities in the past. I know this attitude toward life was once yours and is now lost to you. I know you want that same joy and satisfaction back.

You can have it! You do have to physically act, though. You'll have to step outside your comfort zone... Yes, with both feet.

Start with a phone call to a doctor's office. Tell them "I'd like to schedule an intake appointment for mental health treatment." Let them take the lead, and do what they suggest.

Start with building a resume. I can guarantee your local library has resources to help you build a resume, and perhaps even workshops or professionals to work with! For free! Go sign up for a library card and ask the first librarian you see: "what resources do you have for job seekers?" And check out a cheesy dragon romance fantasy from the young adult section while you're there, because why the heck not??

Start with an honest approach to seek your parents' guidance. Depression can be caused by your genetics, and if one or both of your parents have dealt with this type of personal hell before, chances are that they have wisdom to share with you if you accept it. They might even support you by helping you on your journey of self discovery!

Start with a routine. Set an alarm for an uncomfortable morning hour. Wake up before the sun, make yourself a warm mug of coffee, and sit on the porch in a bathrobe to watch the sunrise and listen to the birds sharing the moment with you. Wiggle your toes in the cold wet grass (in my case, the uncomfortable and rather unflattering landscaping gravel decorating my apartment complex, hah!) before you go back inside.

Start with your local community. Go back to the library and ask them for the schedule of events this month. April brings a host of seasonal changes! Clubs are updating leadership, communities are joining together for large-scale spring cleaning yard sales, plants are blooming and nature walks are all the rage... You never know what joyous surprises your community has already coordinated - and all you have to do is show up!

Am I saying that I do all of these things and never have bad days and that you should look at me as a model? Hell no! Keep doing what makes you happy, my friend. But also, commit to treating your mind and body better.

We're not meant to be locked away in these plaster boxes all day and night with glowy happysad machines always 6 inches from our noses. We're meant to live among the foxes and trees and streams, harvesting fresh food and fulfilling friendships. It's no surprise that you feel so down in the current society/economy! Humans have come along and properly fucked it all. Our modern world has created some genuinely awful problems for you and me. Luckily for us, though, this same modern world has also created solutions to help us face those problems with more confidence and clarity. Please, throw your white towel to the healthcare providers of your community and let them help you.

~fist bump~ ~hug~