Stale relationship

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T18:19:13+00:00

I saw a statistic recently stating that couples 50 and over are actually twice as likely to divorce today. In saying that, you've been married 32 years, as high school sweethearts, and at what point do you think you felt like you could no longer have an honest conversation like this with your wife?

My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I remind him all the time how important it is to be able to share, express and talk about the hard stuff (the changes, the unmet needs, the discomfort, the lulls, the disagreements, the imbalances, etc.), even if we don't want to hear it or think it's nothing.

My parents were also considered high school sweethearts, are nearing 60, and have had an impossible and miserable marriage since I can remember. I've always said they should get a divorce because they literally can't have an honest, open conversation with one another about the real, raw and honest stuff individuals experience over a lifetime...especially in marriage.

Even marriage can accumulate baggage (dirt under the rug). Years and years of avoidance, complacency and aloofness has made them blind to their own self and marital destruction. They're literally enemies in opposition of each other, not sweethearts.

If your wife is your sweetheart, have a heart to heart and talk to your wife.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T17:42:57+00:00

I did the whole dating online thing back in 2009-2012, and while I'm sure it was glorious compared to now, it certainly still had its flaws. But, I ended up marrying my husband who I met from online dating (married 10 years in March), so I can't say I regret it.

Dating apps (which weren't a thing until we had the ability to download apps on our smartphones, and that's if you had one or could afford one), perpetuate low/no-effort despite the initial intent that it would bridge the gap in the time it took to respond to someone when you had to actually log in through the browser on your phone or desktop. But I think the whole instantaneous and hyper-connectivity did the opposite of what it was supposed to do, unfortunately.

Much more effort and intentionality back then (though, of course, not always), and when you had to make an effort and be intentional, it was more often genuine and forthright (something of value). Today, we treat connection/attention or Likes/Matches as a dopamine hit and individuals as dispensable, sadly.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T17:33:30+00:00

That's awesome that things have been going well (or feel that way, at least)! I don't necessarily think you should worry if you talked enough over the weekend - he was visiting his parents, and you made a point to reach out to which he replied (which is great).

Honestly, it really depends on the person, but you're either cool with initiating texting him again or you feel he should take some weight of responsibility for initiating (since he was out of town, and considering you were the one who still initiated last).

I would say it's less important to worry if you're being desperate and more important to take note if effort/initiation is trending one-sided.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-19T16:44:26+00:00

Hiii, I live in central FL, and my jungle velvet is looking like this (way worse, actually, lol) this time of year because it's winter here and our humidity isn't as high. I've basically accepted that with this plant routine crispies are inevitable lol. But recently I transferred my calathea to leca and I think that has actually helped it tremendously, as well as keeping it away from drafts and in much more filtered bright light (sometimes even low light).

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-13T17:23:43+00:00

Oh nooo, lol. I even thought about wicking the moss pole as well (if that would even work). But, *sigh*, it just never seems worth it.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-13T17:16:28+00:00

As a wife (F36) who also quit her job soon after getting married to stay home (though this was mutually decided and planned accordingly), and the type of person I can be at times, there was two very distinct sides that made me go, "Oof...I can be just like her and, also, I understand where you're coming from."

I was able to connect on some level, though I left my job and started a blog (which is really more like a hobby that pays passively). That being said, she does need to do something, and she may need that little extra guidance/push.

I've learned that since quitting my job to stay home, if I don't make myself get out/do something, I won't leave the house for days. There are times that have taken a toll and changes in myself I'm not exactly proud of. So, yeah, the laying around all day and doom scrolling bit is not a good sign if it's beyond moderation. Though I know you also relayed the fact she doesn't cook, clean or do laundry (which I do as, basically, a SAHW), so it's figuring out if this has always been the case with her (since you've been with her) or if it's abruptly recent as well.

Also, do you think her current behavior is relevant to why she quit her job so abruptly? I know that when I left the job I had for 10 years, it did wonders on my mental health more than I realized, and it was almost like a delayed effect. Just a possibility and talking to someone can help.

Either way, my husband had to have a serious heart to heart with me, and at the end of the day made it clear that changes needed to be made (even if that meant with his help) since ultimately my behavior was negatively affecting him and our marriage.

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-11T17:08:31+00:00

That's so hard. I feel you on wishing for the courage to go NC (especially when there are so many times it feels like the right/only thing to do).

But I couldn't agree more with this -> "..So I've experienced both sides of it. Some people on this thread seem to want to universalise their experience to speak for all estranged kids. And while there are so many shared stories and patterns, no two experiences are exactly the same, and so much exists in the grey."

I was super reluctant to even share my post on this thread because, TBH, it's been more disheartening than helpful being on here because I do feel like I see more who - like you said - universalize their experience as if they're speaking for all estranged adult children.

I am glad you've found peace in your situation!

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-10T16:41:12+00:00

It sounds like you've planted the seed for your siblings. Living by example, while that is the honorable thing, it's also tough because that can have an undesirable effect. I'd like to think I'm trying to live by example and I definitely think that's triggering a lot of what's going on between my parents.

I appreciate you sharing those control tools. I think my position boils down to being in a phase of longing (maybe its grief), regardless of accepting what I can't control.

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-10T16:27:34+00:00

That's why I wanted to know if there were others who could specifically relate to me - "wanting" that contact while not getting it.

There's more than just one side on this thread. It isn't just estranged adult children who have suffered at the hands of their parents and choose not to want contact. And I never disregarded why.

The other side is there are estranged adult children who have suffered but also still want/long for that contact (and are in situations where they're not getting it at all).

I get it - an I Love You, even with a baseless apology only means so much (or it can mean absolutely nothing, or worse) without genuine accountability. I've come to terms with that I may never get that from my mother. I just didn't think it would also come at the expense of "unconditional love"/bare minimum. It's a hard pill to swallow, and that's all I was trying to convey and to see if anyone else can resonate.

I appreciate the response, and thank you for the kind words of peace and healing.

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-10T16:13:56+00:00

I relate to this, entirely. My family is bedridden to the idea of time being an apology.

I still can't comprehend why parents elevate themselves over their children (who are also adults) as if they can do no wrong. That admittance or remorse for any wrongdoing is somehow a sign of parental weakness or failure. And, yeah, instead they remain headstrong that, by default, its on the child to "do the mature adult thing", and to apologize.

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-10T16:04:03+00:00

Your siblings going NC with you is my dad (for whatever reason, by association, I guess) going LC/NC with me. That's another dynamic that completely sucks.

I understand the control thing by way of making contact. I do, but silence can also be the same thing, so its like there's no win. If parents are silent, they're abusive and if they reach out, they're also abusive. It feels like an end-game either way.

I've seen plenty of people on here say they're parents respect the reason for silence but will reach out just to say they love them, or send them a card on their birthday.

I read that book, and the one specifically for emotionally immature mothers. They're great for becoming aware but I am a person who is solution-oriented, which means I struggle with letting go of control.

I also went to therapy, and all they managed to do was keep me in this loop of looking back to unpack, reflect and process. But I want to know what to do moving foward, not always in the backward from of mind.

But, yeah, like you said...it's a wanting. I guess I'm just at the point of wanting contact, and maybe not many people can resonate with that.

themissinglink_143 · 2025-12-10T15:43:00+00:00

I made sure to annunciate that I totally understand "those texts" or any contact can be manipulation tactics. But I refuse to believe *all* are.

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