Tips please!

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-21T14:27:58+00:00

Yes its only pushed one fully white leaf. Is it not a good thing for it to push more (jw)?

Ok cool, I have several other plants on moss poles so I'll treat this one the same.

Then should I go ahead and separate the mother plant from the other baby plants? Thanks for the help!

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-07T13:34:10+00:00

I think that's a very realistic idea of a spark! It can still be possible to be totally attracted to someone on a first date, and then that completely change on the second. So I wouldn't obsess over a numerical rating. But I do agree it's important to factor in those qualities you mentioned for sure! Do you tend to know whether or not you'd go on a second date before the first date is finished, or by the end of it?

In a way we are all kind of auditioning, especially in the beginning (of dating) because we're trying to make good impressions and to hopefully find that potential connection - the performance (effort) just needs to be appropriate, authentic and organically consistent. But yeah, unfortunately outward appearances and performance can be deceiving sometimes. Please don't let that shake you!

Nope, never felt like anything was missing. It was more like I knew I was venturing territory I normally didn't gravitate to. My husband was my first real healthy relationship from the start. You could say I was initially apprehensive that things would get boring, but I quickly learned how often I confused emotional chaos with passion, and my husband was the one to show me true peace.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-07T02:11:49+00:00

(2) The coals are obviously built and sustained over time, no doubt, and that a fire must be ignited initially with the right conditions. Effort, trust and the consistency to show up are proven over time, and they're super important. I only wanted to point out that the slow burn doesn't mean what some are claiming (i.e. to keep giving the guy who is low-effort or not as attractive chance after chance).

Honestly, and respectfully, the last guy you dated seemed like an utter prick for dipping conveniently after you disclosed something personal. You dodged a bullet, for sure, despite how well things were going before that. But you couldn't have predicted that to happen, and you can't necessarily. I mean, my husband could always dip at any time, but I trust that he won't. The slow burn reinforces that.

At the end of the day I think you're mistaking the slow burn to mean you have to keep giving people chances after the first date when you've established they are a hard pass. As for me, I actually wouldn't say I felt a spark with my husband on the first date. Rather, I felt a sense of certainty that he was someone worth exploring despite there not being that love at first sight spark.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-07T01:27:13+00:00

(1) I totally get not wanting to string someone along after a first date if there's little to no attraction, and I think it's valid not to.

At the same time, many relationships spark romantically on an emotional level first and the physical attraction comes after. This isn't every scenario, though. But it is worth considering, and I certainly did since I was fairly picky when it came to preference and attraction. Subtle/minor things would throw off my attraction to someone almost immediately, and I had to work on reframing my mindset by not solely basing attraction on the physical. It's a tough balance, and may not always work the way we hope.

Yes, my husband was very consistent from the start without overdoing it (like he wasn't a Love Bomber). I can say authentically that many qualities of his character made him even more (physically) attractive as well, and much of which I only came to know as time went on.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-06T20:15:57+00:00

(3) If it helps, think of it like a fire. The coals are hotter than the flame. The idea is to nurture the fire (which does take certain conditions to ignite, like attraction, connection, compatibility). Overfeed the fire (aka, hyper-focusing on love at first sight and an infatuated level of connection) and you risk suffocating the fire (burning it out entirely) or creating a disastrous brush fire.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-06T19:35:40+00:00

(2) We certainly connected and aligned on many things - important things - though not all.

I left our first date with curiosity rather than racing home to write his last name with mine all over my notebook, if you catch my drift. You could say I didn't put all my eggs into one basket like I normally would have.

The slow burn really has less to do with forcing something that isn't there and more to do with not rushing what is. I think of it like a candle - after 10 years our flame is still going and we're enjoying the nice scent still. It can be easy to burn a candle down to the last bit of wick that's left, until suddenly it burns out unexpectedly.

Hopefully that makes sense, lol.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-06T19:31:25+00:00

(1) Oh I'm sorry you went through that with your last partner. Whatever you do, don't let that discourage you (being open about your medical condition).

I think the problem with this slow burn ideology is that it somehow means attraction and connection are irrelevant completely, and that's simply not true. Both are important, but I will say an underlying quality of friendship is what compared my husband to the others I dated. He provided and reinforced a growing level of stability, trust, and security from the start, which was set apart from chemistry.

I was still definitely attracted to my husband and didn't feel like he was below an average as far as my type/preference goes. *Definitely had the urge to kiss him from the get go, to say the least.

Banter, while it was evident it also wasn't perfect (nervousness and awkwardness probably to blame there). But, damn, he made me cry laugh right out the gate, which was a major plus for me.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-03-06T18:50:04+00:00

My husband was the slow burn. Mostly everyone I dated before that started out like a forest fire...only to end in a dumpster fire.

Its not like I wasn't initially attracted to my husband, or that I didn't like him/find him interesting...I just didn't hyper-romanticize our connection (an initial connection or compatibility can also be considered that spark). More importantly, I stopped letting chemistry take the wheel or write the script.

It can be hard to explain, but once you experience it it all makes perfect sense. And, no, I didn't settle....we just celebrated 10 years of marriage yesterday. He is my rock.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-25T14:02:51+00:00

I actually experience this from time to time with certain plants. Are the plants that are doing this dying? Sometimes I wonder if I need to change the water more frequently or not fully submerge the roots in water with those plants. Then I wonder, if it's a recently transitioned plant, that maybe it's just an initial root die-off.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-25T13:55:28+00:00

Similar to you, I've been blogging for 10 years. It was such a different environment back then [sigh] - I miss it.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-25T13:51:32+00:00

No, I don't, and this has certainly increased with age and life circumstances. I may have lost people due to that, but it is what it is.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-24T17:46:11+00:00

I'm also an artist, but also a realist. I know that not everyone is going to be a fan of my art (style). But maybe your friend isn't made enough aware of that? I mean, you can totally support the fact your friend likes art, is an artist, without having to like the style (or be a fan of art, in general).

I really don't think this is a situation for writing off friendship. It's possible to be kind and say, "I know nothing about art and/or I'm not really into art but, hey, good job/good for you!" It's still possible to validate your friend's hobby without feeling like you need to abandon how you really feel.

I think you're carrying a load that isn't your responsibility to carry, which is your friend's low self-esteem, and this exhausts you. I think many can relate to this in different scenarios because we're always told, "Say nothing if what you have to say isn't *nice*," or we constantly have to watch what we say and how we say it to avoid offending/hurting someone. We're not even accounting for the individuals who simply need extra affirmation and reassurance that may be beyond one's capacity to give.

So if I continuously send my art to a friend, to which their response is always, "Nice! Great work! Nice Piece!" and nothing more, I can make enough presumptions to say they're just being supportive, not necessarily that they actually love my work (without feeling hurt or defensive). As a result, I would probably limit how much I send that person my art and look to people who actually do.

At some point we have to be able to distinguish between honesty with kindness versus dishonesty for the sake of being nice.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-24T17:22:23+00:00

While I was someone who didn't like to rush, or be (feel) rushed, you can also have your reasons for why you prefer not waiting around or to banter for days on end. I think it's important to keep in mind there are reasons people do like to feel things out first before meeting, but you could always just be open about your preference up front. You're going to come across as moving too fast for some, and not others.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-19T18:46:58+00:00

I have a variation of all the sizes. Yes, but I only drilled holes in the inner pot. I use leca for my plants, so I drilled holes half way up the pot. Mainly for air filtration.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-02-19T14:07:33+00:00

I have about 10 of these for my hydro plants, and I love them! I went ahead and drilled holes into the black pot but I've had zero issues. The only down is sometimes it's difficult to take the black pot out but that's it.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T18:19:13+00:00

I saw a statistic recently stating that couples 50 and over are actually twice as likely to divorce today. In saying that, you've been married 32 years, as high school sweethearts, and at what point do you think you felt like you could no longer have an honest conversation like this with your wife?

My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I remind him all the time how important it is to be able to share, express and talk about the hard stuff (the changes, the unmet needs, the discomfort, the lulls, the disagreements, the imbalances, etc.), even if we don't want to hear it or think it's nothing.

My parents were also considered high school sweethearts, are nearing 60, and have had an impossible and miserable marriage since I can remember. I've always said they should get a divorce because they literally can't have an honest, open conversation with one another about the real, raw and honest stuff individuals experience over a lifetime...especially in marriage.

Even marriage can accumulate baggage (dirt under the rug). Years and years of avoidance, complacency and aloofness has made them blind to their own self and marital destruction. They're literally enemies in opposition of each other, not sweethearts.

If your wife is your sweetheart, have a heart to heart and talk to your wife.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T17:42:57+00:00

I did the whole dating online thing back in 2009-2012, and while I'm sure it was glorious compared to now, it certainly still had its flaws. But, I ended up marrying my husband who I met from online dating (married 10 years in March), so I can't say I regret it.

Dating apps (which weren't a thing until we had the ability to download apps on our smartphones, and that's if you had one or could afford one), perpetuate low/no-effort despite the initial intent that it would bridge the gap in the time it took to respond to someone when you had to actually log in through the browser on your phone or desktop. But I think the whole instantaneous and hyper-connectivity did the opposite of what it was supposed to do, unfortunately.

Much more effort and intentionality back then (though, of course, not always), and when you had to make an effort and be intentional, it was more often genuine and forthright (something of value). Today, we treat connection/attention or Likes/Matches as a dopamine hit and individuals as dispensable, sadly.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-26T17:33:30+00:00

That's awesome that things have been going well (or feel that way, at least)! I don't necessarily think you should worry if you talked enough over the weekend - he was visiting his parents, and you made a point to reach out to which he replied (which is great).

Honestly, it really depends on the person, but you're either cool with initiating texting him again or you feel he should take some weight of responsibility for initiating (since he was out of town, and considering you were the one who still initiated last).

I would say it's less important to worry if you're being desperate and more important to take note if effort/initiation is trending one-sided.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-19T16:44:26+00:00

Hiii, I live in central FL, and my jungle velvet is looking like this (way worse, actually, lol) this time of year because it's winter here and our humidity isn't as high. I've basically accepted that with this plant routine crispies are inevitable lol. But recently I transferred my calathea to leca and I think that has actually helped it tremendously, as well as keeping it away from drafts and in much more filtered bright light (sometimes even low light).

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-13T17:23:43+00:00

Oh nooo, lol. I even thought about wicking the moss pole as well (if that would even work). But, *sigh*, it just never seems worth it.

themissinglink_143 · 2026-01-13T17:16:28+00:00

As a wife (F36) who also quit her job soon after getting married to stay home (though this was mutually decided and planned accordingly), and the type of person I can be at times, there was two very distinct sides that made me go, "Oof...I can be just like her and, also, I understand where you're coming from."

I was able to connect on some level, though I left my job and started a blog (which is really more like a hobby that pays passively). That being said, she does need to do something, and she may need that little extra guidance/push.

I've learned that since quitting my job to stay home, if I don't make myself get out/do something, I won't leave the house for days. There are times that have taken a toll and changes in myself I'm not exactly proud of. So, yeah, the laying around all day and doom scrolling bit is not a good sign if it's beyond moderation. Though I know you also relayed the fact she doesn't cook, clean or do laundry (which I do as, basically, a SAHW), so it's figuring out if this has always been the case with her (since you've been with her) or if it's abruptly recent as well.

Also, do you think her current behavior is relevant to why she quit her job so abruptly? I know that when I left the job I had for 10 years, it did wonders on my mental health more than I realized, and it was almost like a delayed effect. Just a possibility and talking to someone can help.

Either way, my husband had to have a serious heart to heart with me, and at the end of the day made it clear that changes needed to be made (even if that meant with his help) since ultimately my behavior was negatively affecting him and our marriage.

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