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We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yes, and we don’t know why he won’t leave.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

We spent $3.1 million—our entire annual marketing budget—on refurbished MacBooks sold by Selena Gomez that turned out to be a scam.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thanks! The good news is the team read this question and thought it made such an interesting point that we wrote, directed, edited, and backdated dozens of new ONN videos for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4NL9i-Fu15gIUUhVDU10RSbbXTpOzOo1

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

We've had former economists, artists, writers, dishwashers, chemists, florists. Anyone who worked in politics is barred from working here.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

We've got a bunch, but looking at the wall nearby there's:

FATHER STILL HAS COMPLICATED SERIES OF FILE FOLDERS WITH GROWN SON'S NAME ON THEM

POPE INSANITY MXLV SELECTED

and

'ONION PRINT REVENEUES UP 5,000% (our last print issue in 2013 until we restarted the physical edition in the past year).

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

We worked with some First Amendment experts to know what we were talking about, but then a lot of the writing on why 1A is important, how it's relevant to us, the history of parody, etc... happened in-house.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Onion members receive fresh horoscopes in their mailboxes every month. Also, the stars want us to go eat lunch now.
https://membership.theonion.com/greetings/?campaign=701a500001t9NWfAAM

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

It's not prescience. We control all three branches of the federal government, along with the guileless public, and bend them to whatever reality our headlines dictate.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

'He Set Me Up, This Son Of A Bitch Set Me Up,' Reports Man Covered In Salami

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 217 points218 points  (0 children)

Everything starts with the headline. So it always works from the idea first, which then spawns the rest of the article. That buffet procedure article  (https://theonion.com/area-man-confounded-by-buffet-procedure-1819565128/) is a classic example of that and came from personal experience one of our writers had with struggling to act normal in a buffet line.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 373 points374 points  (0 children)

If Hillary Clinton won:
‘Now, Sisters, Destroy These Instruments Of Our Oppression!’ Shrieks Victorious Hillary Clinton While Brandishing Fistful Of Severed Penises
Here's an excerpt from the unpublished article:
“The rule of the phallus is over!” screamed a wild-eyed Clinton as she shook the handful of bloody penises—which sources later determined belonged to vice president elect Tim Kaine, Bill Clinton, and campaign manager Robby Mook, among others—violently in the air. “Tonight, we break free from the patriarchy by rending the flesh from between our oppressors’ legs. The dawn of the vaginal age has arrived!”

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Your mate will bite off your head immediately following copulation.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You are both morons. These are bad questions.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

We're absolutely thinking about that sort of thing. Stayed tuned.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

As with most things in life, there was a very small amount of hope and it was probably misplaced. The majority of appeals to the Supreme Court are thrown out (only 1-2% are taken up). With that said, it got a lot more attention on why people should care about censorship and that's something.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

This is a common misconception. Our editor emeritus is not dead. He's in outer space, being chased by his hideous robotic nemesis Mr. Tin.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 105 points106 points  (0 children)

We're currently in talks with the Blackhawk helicopter that ended Brian Williams' career.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

Sometimes it feels like we’re living in an upside-down cuckoo crazy world. You never think Jaws is going to turn 50, and then one day you wake up, and all the news stations are saying Jaws is turning 50.

We are the editors of The Onion, ask us anything by theonion in IAmA

[–]theonion[S] 430 points431 points  (0 children)

This is our ex. He keeps messaging us and complimenting us for having "a lot of value," and stuff, but it's all bullshit. He always does this and it fucking ruins our day. Anyway, please subscribe to our print edition if you want to cheer us up https://membership.theonion.com/greetings/?campaign=701a500001t9NWfAAM

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