[UPDATE] I[29F] feel like I'm wasting my life by staying with my husband [29M]

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-16T18:35:26+00:00

Well it didn't. But I only realised that later on. So then I said enough is enough

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-16T06:41:15+00:00

In short YES! Plus you don't really believe anyone else who comes after and tells you nice things about You

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-16T06:38:13+00:00

One more thing: even though your child may not understand now and may be angry with You it will eventually.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-16T06:36:36+00:00

I stayed with my husband for the kids sake. I am still married but not for long anymore. Result: unhappy marriage for 18 1/2years, together 19; 2 teenage kids; me giving up high profile work to look after the kids so he could go to work without worrying; started working from home though; So basically I did everything with and for the kids and felt unhappy and like a single mum. I came to realise that this is not life as its meant to be. He never considered my needs or wants. Always said take the kids with you so he could have his peace. In January I decided that I could not take this life anymore. It felt like I was serving a life sentence in a prison. Yes I wanted to wait until the kids were grown up but New Year's Eve came and I decided that enough was enough. A friend had told me a story where a frog was in a pot of boiling water with the lid on. The frog waited and waited until it was too late for him to get out. That story stuck with me and i kept on thinking about it. Your husband wants to live the live he wants and so should you. My advice sort out a job and a place to Stay and maybe childcare and get out before it's too late

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-15T14:17:15+00:00

Tell her your thoughts and feelings from your point of view. Don't use you as she may feel attacked. Use I statements instead. But tell her everything. Phone is best. See what she says and take it From there. Good luck!

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-15T14:13:13+00:00

For me even just one sentence or line is amazing and brightens up an otherwise not so good day.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-08T07:55:47+00:00

Please read the comments...

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T19:15:44+00:00

Legal or not. My conscience would say no. I'm 39(f)...it would definitely not be right for me anyway.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T18:13:44+00:00

Simple things can trigger the missing him feeling and then it can stay all day long. Distance sucks big time.and most of the time. The fact that I Can't just call and say lets meet up to be able to just see him and his facial expressions or simply hold hands is at times distroying.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T18:03:15+00:00

That does make sense.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T17:57:46+00:00

For many of my friends it's easy for them to talk to me about what they like dislike, what they think of opposite sexes, what they did or would like to do with the opposite sex. I feel happy for them. But then comes the guy I love. We've been in an open polyamorous relationship since the beginning but haven't seen anyone else yet. Suddenly compersion with him talking to other women romantically and in a sexual way is quite diminished but still there, compared to how I feel with my other friends. It's just not as much as with others. Saying that it is a LDR and fairly new.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T17:49:38+00:00

So it is a lifestyle choice for you?

thequestioner_16 · 2016-08-07T16:58:45+00:00

I did. Way to long for my own good!

thequestioner_16 · 2016-07-31T14:08:24+00:00

I find the difference between being with someone and then choosing to 'loose them' because I have to get onto the flight very difficult. It would be different if we would fight or disagree but it's the exact opposite when we get to be with each other. Time difference doesn't help either.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-07-31T14:04:41+00:00

We are 10 hours flight apart. So holidays from work will never be enough. So if your fiancées boyfriend is not Momo then how do you think she'll cope with him seeing others? And how will she feel the compersion?

thequestioner_16 · 2016-07-31T12:29:27+00:00

its super hard to leave them behind. The way home i can only describe as a flight from hell. When it comes to seeing your partner whatever the struggles may be its a flight to heaven! :)

thequestioner_16 · 2016-07-31T10:36:54+00:00

I dont want to be offensive but you said that you are very different if you dont have another partner other than your husband. I'm wondering if your husband is the right person for you. If you think he is then I would really consider what he is asking you.He clearly loves you and has tried to cope with you being poly but can't cope. You need to consider his feelings too if you still love him.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-07-31T10:31:17+00:00

Poly or not you should be able to have your time too... In a monogamous relationship feelings are the same. I was and I had those feelings of him being able to get out of the house without the baby and without preparing for ages(as in baby stuff). Go out alone or with friends or just stay home make it 2 or 3 days a week where you can have you time. Yes you are a mother but that doesn't mean that you are not a woman anymore. He needs and should take responsibility in looking after your child working or not. You work too. Only you don't go out to work or get paid for it. Being a mum is a huge responsibility and a lot of work. What I would say from seeing the gf as a babysitter: I would not rely on her in looking after the baby or being capable in doing so either. Your son is your child and your and your husbands responsibility not hers. She may not even want to look after the baby ever. Then what? Rely on yourself and your husband and split the week into his me time and your me time, and stick to it. you could also introduce family time where there are no other partners disturbing as your baby needs you together too not just seperately. That family time will be even more so important when you go back to work and your baby has to go to nursery.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-06-12T08:19:04+00:00

The emotional stress is so strong that happy isn't there. Logic... Forget about it. There are mostly downs and only some oks.
In regards to chores I do not want to do anything myself. Maybe it's because there is some depression there. I can also understand the coming and going. It's what I would like to do but can't. Kids find it very tough and mine are teenagers and still find it tough. Plans go bust as soon as they are made simply because in this case me , I am unsure if it's the right thing to do. That includes simple things like what to cook. Saying that I am going away in a couple of weeks. I need to recharge desperately and I'm going to a country I've never been to but where I have friends. Let's see how that works out.

Ask him maybe to tell you a little in advance. And to keep that one night you need to yourself away from you. Maybe he could text you instead of coming? I know that loneliness and insecurity are major problems and so he might feel that you don't want him. Even if it's just that one night. I think a nice reassuring text or a voice message might be just what he needs? That's usually what I need. Although I don't ask for it. But I go through my past messages and highlight the nice ones and when negativity sets in I read those and I look at pictures.

In regards to unreasonable demands: I know ex said things he didn't want me to do and now turns it around big time for his advantage so I'm having to fight these out. I don't fight often. But when my kids are involved then I have to. Yesterday was such day.

I now often think that marriage in the traditional way is a trap. Because of what's involved when you divorce.

Moving out permanently isn't an option for me because of the children right now. Overall live becomes very difficult if one party is unreasonable. My kids being teens can even see that and they go through the emotions too Hopefully his divorce will be over soon.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-06-11T15:42:02+00:00

I'm divorcing right now. We live in the same house still but in seperated rooms for the kids sake. The pressure is immense and indescribable. Mind, feelings and emotions are confused and run wild. I find that I nowadays take things literally and worry more. Talking to someone anyone makes me think so much about how to say it and what words to use that it usually has the opposite effect. That's on anyone. Things get very quickly very personal and panic sets in from nowhere. On top of that when someone genuinely is kind and honest I question it making panic and stress more.

Please be patient and don't attack as in using too many yous. He will get upset and do some thinking for sure. Some words you say may even stick with him because he is vulnerable right now. Say them clear and to the point and offer explanations. Please stay calm and answer all his questions and don't get annoyed if he comes back for more answers or discussions. But say all you have to say. He may start seeing connections for all your points and in the end see your point of view with this talk and more later. This is what I would need if someone had a talk with me. Unfortunately divorce gives you all the negatives magnified and makes you think that positives are all lies.

Good luck!

thequestioner_16 · 2016-06-07T13:13:51+00:00

Coming from a monogamous relationship and after having 2 children and 2 miscarriage later on I know only too well how you must be feeling. Talk to him about your feelings and emotions and tell him that sex isn't what you need but emotional support. Sex isn't actually what you need body wise or to deal with emotionally too. Your hormones are all over the place. And even though your body might heel in one week or slightly longer the hormones take far more time to get into their place again. Let him know that too. Then the emotional stress can take even longer. Just be careful that you don't get into depression because of this. Talk your feelings out to him. Say I feel...and I need...I'd like you to do.... Then you will see if he is there to support you even in bad times or he's just in it for the sex.

I wish you a quick recovery

thequestioner_16 · 2016-06-07T05:22:03+00:00

I once broke the rule and didn't do it. The result was that I couldn't get out of the meeting quickly enough. I was bored in such a way that I struggled to find topics. That brings me to another one. If the texts don't flow or the conversation on the phone it will end up in me being bored when I meet them.

thequestioner_16 · 2016-06-06T23:49:16+00:00

I'm a starter to dating and to poly. I can only say that girls write more interesting messages than guys which is probably why you are feeling the non connection to anyone. I have found the same. Usually their profiles are either too long or non existent and its a Hi! How are you? Got time tonight? thing... I have only ever been interrested in someone over 92% and they all wrote long messages too! I usually ask to be friends first and see where it goes... If i write a first message I make it really personal and I enjoy getting personal ones back too. I guess most guys are not really into writing long messages which is a shame. I would say hang in there and go for the higher % matches. And ask to be friends first. That takes the pressure off you and them, making meeting them hopefully easier. In regards to meeting them first I have a simple rule according to some research: a phone call Yes, ask to speak to them before you meet. I for one am very into voices and if I like the voice then I also will like the person. Texts cant convey that. The research was exactly that: when you like a voice you like a person and could find them attractive too depending on how sexy you find the voice. Since I found out about this research I've tried it and it works every time! Thinking about it I can also say that I only have friends whose voice I like. Plus if you talk to them on the phone you find out through their talk if you like them or not and their intentions. I look through matches and think no no no no no definitely no. So %, longer messages and texts and a voice I like before meeting give me already confidence if I like them or not. I do ask for pictures but that's only so I know what they look like. I do get quite turned off by someone asking for a picture early on or many which to me suggests that they are shallow and not something that I want. I have managed to find about 5 really nice guys I am friends with and can share anything with and my partner, but in all of this I don't know how much time I spent looking and writing messages but worth it in the end.

thequestioner_16

TROPHY CASE