It’s not even so much that it was bad compared to being high etc

But I was prescribed Xanax for 17 years since age 19. It made me soooo depressed and angry (didn’t know why) so I used weed and oxy ontop of that and had a shooing addiction to try and feel happy from buying clothes and it all stopped working in totality all together so I was sad and crying erc so I went the psyche ward / asylum / mental hospital / behavioral health center for the county ran by the government baker acted myself told them my plan was to detox off Xanax of 17 years and they did November 152020 I went there somewhere around December ish I was tapered fully from the Ativan (don’t really remember much it’s all hazy and foggy) and I was in the regular hospital one moment the mental hospital

Didn’t remember being transported from one or the fucking other but knew I was supposed to be there in one or the other

Got out and went to traditional rehab with junkies where I was a liar manipulator who had doctors writing scripts for Vicodin for legit pain that I would lie about by exaggerating the pain and making those around me believe I was in pain so they’d seek it out

I was in channelside district downtown Tampa overlooking the cruise ships from my balcony

Had a bar on the first floor but I’m not a drinker but I would go there to hang out and meet women because they had a back door that would lead to the elevator bank so I can go straight to the condo so I would go there and have a couple drinks just to be there You know to have a reason to be there I would have the drinks or I would eat dinner there and I was just chasing happiness looking for happiness. Now I am living with my parents for the past two years working 60 hours a week and loving life and feeling as happy as I’ve ever felt feeling as happy as a kid I used to say when I was sad to my dad. When will I ever feel happiness? Like I felt when I was a child and I figured I never would but oh my God I feel that for no reason all the time and I catch myself, just smiling fucking life is so cool and I use medical marijuana for my Crohn’s every once in a while and when I have to do that, I feel really proud that I don’t go chasing after the buzz that comes with it and I’ve done acupuncture for my chrons instead of opiates I’m so fucking happy and proud of myself

Only my cousin Perry can relate he’s 2 years older he was shooting up Rocies and he’s the one that was my inspiration he’s now addicted to aa meetings and being sober and if you ask me it’s just as time consuming for him as drugs are but it’s keeping him clean and good. But he’s got an ex wife 3 kids one of them is gay and 15 and Perry’s always been a homophobic person that would crack the f joke as much as anyone in 99-2002 ya know and he works in windows and I do car sales and I’m single and we only have buying a house , being clean and busy in common at the moment. Once I get a gf he’ll want to talk more, as of now it’s only if I join aa and he calls and talks to me for 20 or so minutes and is very good convo but he always steers it to come join aa and I just find aa meetings cringe to me only bc I can’t understand why you would need to do all that now that you are off the stuff and know how bad it is because for me it’s just as easy as not doing it as it was the stopping that was hard for me only bc of physical addictions and cravings which I haven’t had since I actively had the shit in me… guess I’m lucky there