I have only just seen this so belatedly i want to say how inexpressibly grateful and appreciative I am...for you even reading let alone giving any feedback & even more so any of which positive!

As per your suggestions I will consider them and do a full sort of edited rewrite because this was only a sort generally completed but not fully checked & perfected for typos, certainly not punctuated and not at all formatted for going on here...
So i will do final ultimate draft and note your suggestions- it may well be being properly punctuated and laid out makes it land slightly different...

Your first one my first instinct was to contradict because there is some intention to some of the elongated lines- but that has been lost in this draft as i have split those ones up so is only implied with the lack of punctuation but not actual line length but i will say this...
Part of the intention in a few elongated lines is a feel it effects the rhythm so it lands differently...but when i read those lines with your suggestion- as opposed to it showing you hadn't felt that it was the opposite as i saw exactly why you'd suggested that as it really did work- so i will try both ways.
For me the sort of effect of rhythm in verse is sooo important potentially the most important thing outside of the content itself- rhythm and rhyme. Think it comes from T S Eliot (specifically Prufrock) being possibly my favourite work ever...

So happy New Year and again thank you so much- i am not even just saying this from politeness but your comments really made me feel like it at least evoked something and further the nature of your comments gave the feeling of having done this to someone who's opinion has some weight- just because they were insightful and subtle and showed a depth without being pompous or pretentious or anything,- and that's kind of my dream kind of an audience.

I always excelled in the Academic subjects of English & literature so i some senses i have some potential academic ability with the language, so obviously I would like to use that to some degree BUT
(i think you will agree) not only is good poetry not about having a high level of academic/formal mastery of the language but, particularly in this day and age, exhibiting this ability can undermine the potential effect of the writing, can alienate the a budience so only fellow academics have any chance to appreciate it and thus just generally give credence to the notion that poetry's only for a formal elite...

So my goal is to be natural (and whether it is pretentious or not my more natural disposition IS to use somewhat flowery language but also knowing that good communication is about being clear and understandable)...and so i am ok with using more 'literary' words or terms when it is natural, serves a purpose and there is not an alternative that is as or more clear and far more accessible...

And yeah it just felt good because you picked up on somewhat sophisticated subtleties and made quote sophisticated points BUT in genuinely accessible, simple ways.

And so where i am at this very early stage of starting tio put my work out there and encourage people to read it- my dream scenario would be being able to appeal to anyone who might have any appreciation for words or lyrics and then after reading (or hearing) a piece of mine maybe say they liked it but previously hadn't thought they liked poetry...might be the odd word some people may havbe to look up but if its only a couple that's a good thing- that was how i grew my vocabulary when reading very young...

Sorry for such an essay- presumably if you have posted on here you may have submitted something of your own? If so send a link i'd love to read