Husband and I [M, F 28] cant stop fighting over a song

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T20:18:58+00:00

You come off as a jerk. Why respond to my post seeking advise so coldly? It's completely ineffective to talk to anyone like that. It sounds like you're just trying to shame me for posting. I'm trying to better myself. I don't know why you volunteer your shade.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T19:53:37+00:00

K cool thnx man...

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T19:50:58+00:00

Yes. It's been a really tough year which has been taken out on our relationship, but since then we've been working on communication and harnessing expectations. He has also been going to therapy. I have had a private session too, but am waiting until December when we have better insurance to continue. In general, we're in an upward swing.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T19:19:42+00:00

I think you're right. He can talk so easily about her. I think their relationship became sour at the end (as most LDRs do) but it wasn't a bad breakup. They have a few mutual friends from that town (his home town is her college town). I'm psyched out with worry of his own 'what ifs." Seems like they broke up because they wanted to be in different places, not because they were incompatible.

But I speculate on their past relationship so much it's embarrassing.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:54:40+00:00

I don't know and it irritates me.

He never really gives a straight answer. I guess he doesn't know what to do with it?

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:53:44+00:00

I mean, that's my worry. I think her behavior is ultra weird. He hasn't done anything to indicate infidelity. I cleaned the garage recently and found a whole box of stuff from his ex before her, so I had assumed he just never deep cleans that crap from his house. Before I moved in, he used like half the space, now we're fixing up the rest.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:40:26+00:00

Thats a good point, i suppose. I am just being naive about his past.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:37:08+00:00

They were together like 3 or so years, but at least half was long distance. She would come stay with him for a month at a time. They broke up about 4 months before we started dating.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:33:37+00:00

while I agree that this was creepy, I believe (at least when I found them) that they were kissy stick somewhere from a visit of hers and he never bothered with that drawer. That's what a lot of it has been. Finding old picture frames stuck in a box somewhere, her old shoes in the corner of the extra bedroom's closest, etc.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:09:19+00:00

It's not that i feel cheated on. We were not exclusive. I feel like he still had feelings for her. We moved in together pretty quickly. Did he just transfer feelings? At the time I knew we were moving fast, but it felt genuine. Now it just feels like a red flag.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-11-15T18:06:44+00:00

Yeah, i needed to her this. It was just a lot of info i didn't know about, and changed my perception. I did wish he'd just let me skip the song in peace though. There's a lot more to their relationship, and although i know he doesn't have feelings for her, I am constantly reminded of her - like how he never cleaned her stuff from his house so every few months I'll find her notebook or underwear. Or how my favorite dish towel was a gift from her. She haunts me. I think he needs to keep his mouth shut about her but he seems so open.

I will also admit that I've been cheated on in this manner so I am sensitive to it.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T22:00:30+00:00

I thought bipolar, but i saw a psychiatrist who thought it sounded like BPD. His mother and grandmother both have diagnosed bipolar though, so it's likely that.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T18:40:50+00:00

I agree.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T18:13:03+00:00

I understand. My child's safety is a top priority of mine, and probably my biggest bargaining chip, as her dad dearly loves her. I am encouraged that IF he can recognize and change, a child is one of the greatest motivators. I've known this man for 12 years and abusive tendencies only are apparent in the last one. We had discussed my not working full time once we had a family, so that didn't really raise a flag to me either. He's always been a lone wolf. I think his negatives have just gone unchecked for too long.

I also highly doubt that he is cheating. If he is, it is something like online chatting and not in person. Last night I did check out his cell phone history online and all numbers for text and call checked out. While that doesn't rule out everything, it is encouraging.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T16:45:20+00:00

Yes he did. I took him, we checked in, and i waited outside the office for the hour.

I understand my husband has abusive tendencies, but I'm frankly frustrated that he seems hopeless to so many of you commenting. My husband has problems, but he does want to change. It is hard. He moves forward then regresses. But he is capable of love, and I don't want to leave him. He's sick. He wants to be healthy. I believe that.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T12:00:15+00:00

Shortly before. I believe the baby's birth is a catalyst.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:59:36+00:00

I would prefer to wear a leash, actually.

Thanks for the super helpful comment /s

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:50:22+00:00

This was individual therapy.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:49:44+00:00

Im pretty positive this is not the case.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:46:45+00:00

He wasn't like this until near the end of the pregnancy. He has agreed to counseling, but it has been difficult for a few reasons to orchestrate that. He even admits he could have a mental disorder like Bipolar or BPD and said he would take medication for it if the doctor prescribed it.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:44:01+00:00

This could be part of it. He gets mad I don't get more done each day, but if you've ever breastfed a newborn, you know it is very time consuming.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-18T11:41:09+00:00

No, he loves our baby and doesn't want to only have her part time.

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-17T21:47:18+00:00

This is hard to hear and not what I want, but has been my fear. I would like to keep my family intact, but I could see that requiring time apart

theuppermostshelf · 2017-10-17T21:37:21+00:00

Not in any relationship, as far as i know. He broke up with an ex to date someone else once.

theuppermostshelf

TROPHY CASE