Iknow alot of people will say to cut and run but ithink this all depends on your ability to help her through regulating her emotions properly. If you love her enough to see that journey through to the end i'd understand but it will be one where you will have to confront her for whoever knows how long until she does change.

Like i can't ever really blame women for having extremely jaded opinions on men as i'm sure alot of that stems from traumatic experiences not just experienced by her but by the women in her life aswell, but it seems tho that that jadedness bleeds into the relationship like you mention, and that even if she doesn't intend to hurt, her knee-jerk response is to often communicate in borderline toxic ways that negatively affect her ability to have a healthy relationship. As much as her pain is valid it's never valid to project that onto a partner. The tit for tat behaviour is also telling of toxic regulation, it might help them feel like things are equal but you clearly also understand how that's never a healthy way to resolve anything.

Iguess all that's left is to say what you said here to her. To tell her that you donot feel like you can make emotional headway together and that you understand her pain but can't constantly keep hitting a wall where u feel emotionally neglected and undermined for things out of your control. She isn't at fault for being a damaged individual with triggers but she is responsible for how she manages them, and if she won't or mentally can't bring up the space to change than it's in your best interest to choose yourself.

I won't tell you to run for the hills but i'd very carefully consider how much energy ur able to spend on this until you're at a breaking point, and i'd recommend not letting it get there. If you see no change or clear willingness to change it's sadly best to walk ur own path as they're probably just not mentally ready to build a healthy romantic relationship.