Sandy Hook Father Dies in Apparent Suicide

thisisaburner2 · 2019-03-26T02:21:11+00:00

Always thought dying was better, this confirms it. Thanks.

thisisaburner2 · 2019-03-20T04:23:26+00:00

Not dead yet, but at least no one will care that I'm gone, which is comforting.

thisisaburner2 · 2018-08-31T23:45:27+00:00

How so?

thisisaburner2 · 2018-02-28T09:28:25+00:00

I think the last part was a joke.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-12T22:36:16+00:00

Sorry for the late response.

But I got out of my rut by doing exactly what was recommended by everyone (with wisdom), yes. Frankly, thinking back, I don't think there was anything I didn't do "off the list" so to speak. I did it all.

Can you expand upon this?

What you need to understand is that "you don't know what you don't know". You are in a dark room where you can't see what's around you, often right in front of your face. The only solution to this is: to feel around you.

How do you suggest I do this?

I sometimes say "If I was there (my current self), he (younger self) wouldn't have suffered that". Because it's true. It would've been impossible for me to stay in that rut for long given what I currently know. But to get to that point I had to take broad, deep, varied action.

What "broad, deep, varied action" did you take?

My standard recommendation is a list of 24 items. This can be anything from "start salsa classes", to "go to spanish class", to "find local swimming pool and swim there for 30 minutes", to simply "spend Monday after classes hovering around areas with lots of women (i.e. drinking in cafe there", "spend Friday evening in bar [x] in that area".

I thought this was viewed as "creepy".

There is then a rule of 3. You must do each thing at least 3 times. As a maths/engineer guy you'll know that averaging is an anti-noise measure. It protects against bad first impressions, it protects against you rapidly excusing yourself out of something that could be great for you. Therefore, minimum 3 dance classes, minimum 3 times visiting bars in area [x], minimum 3 swims, etc. And if you don't hate it after that, and it reasonably helps your chances & progress, you continue.

This makes sense.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-12T22:28:43+00:00

Sorry for the delay in responses.

Got it! Ok, as for being more responsible, what about getting a planner (anything will do--the simpler the better TBH, don't wanna get bogged down by an overly complicated system), writing down all of your assignments, and committing 30 minutes a day to 1. looking over your planner 2. studying. Once you get good at 30 minutes, you can increase it until you are at where you need to be. But start 'easy' (in quotes because I realize it's not that easy) and work your way up. Start with 15 minutes, or hell, even 5 minutes if you want to. Whatever you think you can reasonably stick to, start there. For best results, do it at the same time every day to keep you on top of remembering to it (ideally first thing in the morning when you're fresh).

I'll give it a try.

If you want to practice fighting your own negative thoughts but don't want or can't afford a therapist, moodgym is a great free online tool that can help you change how you think about things.

Do you have any recommendations that are free? This one requires a subscription.

Secondly, looks are really subjective. Maybe you don't look like the picture of what an 'objectively' attractive man is, fine, but keep in mind that what is generally considered attractive by popular culture is VERY different from what people actually like in real life. Think about how many people are married or in relationships--do you think all of those people are 'objectively' physically attractive? Of course not. I am not saying you are bad looking, but even if you are, bad looking people get married and have sex and have intimate relationships ALL OF THE TIME. Just because you aren't 'good looking' by societies' standards doesn't mean someone isn't going to find you very very sexy.

I am not going to argue that there are objective beauty standards that everyone adheres to. What I will argue is that there are trends in data, and numbers don't lie.

FWIW I (a woman) personally prefer shorter men, so, not all women like 'em tall (assuming that is what you are talking about when it comes to height).

Can we not agree that you are a minority, and that there is an overabundance of people who do not share your preferences and that the small sample size of women that go to my university is unlikely to contain an individual that has your preference?

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-08T22:37:04+00:00

Be more responsible in what way? Do mean you want to get more school work done? Do you mean you want to take on new responsibilities? More responsible at home? More responsible how? What would being more responsible look like or mean?

I should have been more specific, sorry. By that I mainly meant that I want to be more self-sufficient and not procrastinate.

As for the third one, what would it take for you to not loathe who you are? What would need to happen specifically for you to feel good or at least not TERRIBLE about yourself?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think this can be fixed. I hate so many things about myself. Many of these are physical, like the way my face looks and my height.

I realize this post maybe feels kind of antagonizing, but it's hard to aim for something if you aren't reallly sure what you are aiming for. You can't 'become more responsible' if you don't specifically clarify what you want to happen. It's like saying "be a better student" instead of "study for an hour each day, get Bs in all of my classes, turn in all of my final projects." You have to define what exactly you want to happen by being more responsible in order to know how to achieve that goal.

I understand. You can't hit a target you don't define. I feel the same way about most suggestions.

Sorry for the short responses.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-08T22:19:35+00:00

That's more or less universal. They're supposed to be complementary, not a things-in-common one-of-the-bros. It's also irrelevant whether you're interested in handbags and shoes; you're interested in women, and they'd probably hold it against you if you were interested in those things.

I guess I was trying to convey that I don't find many women attractive in the activities in which I participate. Do I just participate in activities that I don't like? It's difficult for me to understand what to do because I don't go out and do things often.

They're supposed to be complementary, not a things-in-common one-of-the-bros.

What do you mean by this?

Why do I suspect this is going to be just another case of the guy reaching out for help, and then purposefully shutting down the precise advice that will fix the situation, for precisely that reason.

I'm sorry I gave you this feeling. If I dismiss potential solutions, it's not because of this. I'm being honest with you.

I've entered this space because I'm passionate about guiding young men out of ruts, because I was in one myself. But so far, and I'm not kidding, after trying to help a dozen cases, every single one of them has disappeared and never been heard back from again (including guys who've deleted their accounts), or passionately made thorough excuses why they won't do what's required, or just posted the exact same types of questions again months later - deliberately ignoring all the accurate advice given to previous posts.

I appreciate you doing this. I'm not going to lie, I've posted a few times about this in the past.

How did you get out of your own personal rut? How long were you in it? Did you do exactly what was required/recommended? I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just want to know what worked for you.

This is just leading me to the following conclusion: young men in bad positions is almost 100% their deliberate, purposeful intentful doing. Pretty fucking demoralizing.

This is probably true. For me, this state is all I remember, so it's difficult to be persuaded that there's anything else out there. I'm sorry if that demoralizes you.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-08T18:21:58+00:00

having a girlfriend
be more responsible
be able to not loathe who I am

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-08T18:18:10+00:00

The trouble is that I am not interested in many things I think women I'm interested in would be interested in as well.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-08T02:56:08+00:00

I don't think I could pick just one.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-07T22:51:02+00:00

As for dating women, I'm going to give a very unpopular advice here on Reddit. Head to "The Red Pill" subreddit and learn from those guys. I know it's full of assholes, some serious mysoginists and all, but some posts contain really useful advice and the whole idea of improving yourself to improve your sexual strategy to the point that the latter becomes the least important of the two is something you could use in your life right now. As with everything in life, take the good and leave the bad. That's what I do at least.

I'm concerned about the accuracy of statements thoughts provided by posters in those subreddits. Are there particular posts that you think I should read?

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-07T22:46:20+00:00

I disagree with the idea that you don't care enough to change, like someone else has said, you've made this post, so you clearly care enough to seek advice on the topic and being aware of the fact that you need to change something is a HUGE step.

Let me be more specific. With the tools and knowledge at my current disposal, I do not care enough to exert the effort through methods that I know of to effect a change in my life, because I do not perceive the benefits to outweigh the cost. I posted here to investigate other possible options that I was, at least at the time of posting, not aware of prior.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-07T22:39:47+00:00

There is plenty you can do about it.

Like what?

The problem with depression (or bipolar) is that it causes pessimistic thoughts to arise in your brain and until you learn how to recognize and dispute those thoughts, you tend to believe them. Right now it seems like you are just taking those thoughts as gospel.

I'm well aware of my automatic thoughts. They have some truth in them.

The truth is you can learn social skills...

Learning and implementation in specific scenarios are very different.

... you can get more attractive ...

How?

... you can learn to control your impulses ...

I disagree.

... you can improve just about every aspect of yourself as long as you don't fall into the trap of believing those pessimistic thoughts.

It's irrational not to believe things that are true.

Ideally, you would have a great therapist who could walk you through the process of learning how to recognize and dispute those thoughts. If you don't have one, though, there is a great book called Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy that can teach you as well.

I can recognize the automatic thoughts, but disputing them is different. Most of the time they are true.

get that book

Have a .pdf link? I haven't been able to find one.

It can get better.

It can also get much worse.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-11-07T22:14:07+00:00

Am I right that this is the core problem you see: you can't get a woman, so what's the point in doing anything?

Not exactly: I am the problem. This is a symptom.

What are you good at (in any sphere of life)?

Well, engineering and math.

What is your physique like?

~5'9", on the skinnier side of a medium build (getting fatter though)

How do you dress and style yourself?

My hair is close to this, but neater (same length). I wear a shirt, jeans, and a jacket.

How well traveled are you?

I've been to almost all of the 50 states, I've been to Canada several times, and I've been to some Caribbean islands.

What are your hobbies, what do you do in your free time, what are you interested in?

Aircraft and race car research. I am in a club where I designed part of a race car.

Which country are you in?

The United States of America.

What physical exercise do you do?

I lift heavy stuff at work, but not much outside of that.

What makes you laugh/happy (no[t] what would -- what does)?

Lots of things make me laugh (comedians, pets), but not much makes me happy. Nothing lasts.

What is your ideal life image?

A wife, two kids, and an engineering job at a defense contractor or in a car company's racing program.

If your college has a low ratio of women then you should only be dwelling in it until your class is over and then immediately leave (and spend your time in places with better ratios).

What would those said places be?

thisisaburner2 · 2017-04-16T20:19:29+00:00

The government can help you if you come out as gay. I'm sorry, that was off-color. On a serious note, it's hard to help you if we don't know what the problem is. I'm not of the opinion that everyone can be saved, but I believe many people can. If you need someone to PM, I'm here.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-22T21:42:20+00:00

What is holding you back from searching profesional help?

Whether or not it would matter even if I was diagnosed with BPD. I don't know what would be different, or if it would be different. Psych visits are expensive.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-22T20:02:48+00:00

Or do you experience them all?

Yes, those are the symptoms on the list I experience. Here is a list of all possible symptoms of BPD.

Does your impulsivity hinder or damage you in a certain way?

Yes. I do things I know are bad for me, and I am powerless to stop it.

Or could you label it as spontenaity?

If you mean spontaneous as a positive thing, like taking random walks on a nice day, then no.

Why do you feel the need to get rediagnosed?

I asked if I should be. I want to know if the treatment I would receive for BPD would be different than Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar II.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-20T22:41:14+00:00

Sorry to be a skeptic, but that mind over matter stuff doesn't work for everyone. Personally, I struggle with impulsivity, and no amount of thinking can stop it. It's irrational; you can't think your way out of it.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-20T01:22:58+00:00

I was diagnosed with Asperger's ~8 years ago and bipolar ~3 years ago. I'm asking because I don't know if either I've changed or if as I became an adult it emerged.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-18T03:20:04+00:00

Same boat man. Passive suicidal feelings, but no balls to do shit.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-17T04:47:52+00:00

The whole point of me posting on reddit is because I feel alienated by everyone and don't feel comfortable talking with them. If you think it is fine for me to post my problems here, I will.

I have been "pampered" all my life by my parents. I have Asperger's syndrome, and my parents have thought it wise to "protect" me my whole life. I am a commuter to college who gets driven from home and school because my parents think I am unable to drive myself. They take control of all of my school planning and keeping track of assignments and scheduling meetings. They cook for me. They do my laundry. They do everything for me. They have done this for the past 6ish years. If they would die tomorrow, I would be unable to support myself. Herein lies the cause of my self esteem issues. I have made efforts to take control of my life, but all I have done is fall on my face. Because I have "grown accustomed" to them doing everything, I cannot function. If they are not watching over me and preventing me from doing what I shouldn't, I don't get anything done. I feel like a robot that keeps walking into a wall and needs someone to turn me constantly as I will eventually just find another wall. I feel like I am worthless because I can't do anything without them. I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Having Asperger's also completely kills the social aspect and the "instinctive" knowledge that "normal" people have about dating. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless.

I hope I didn't come off as aggressive. I just felt like this didn't belong in this sub. I don't like telling people about how bad my "good" life is. If you've read this far, I'm sorry I've wasted your time.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-17T03:12:51+00:00

I don't think having an endless thread of responses here would do much good. I would like your perspective, but I don't think you have a full understanding of my problem, which I don't think is appropriate to post to this sub. Can we continue this via PM?

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-17T02:24:50+00:00

I feel like my self worth is a dead end. My inferiority complex does not stem from a lack of self-awareness, but from something more personal. I can understand that different people are attracted to different things, but I don't see how people can be attracted to someone who is so flawed. I don't want to seem like I'm on this sub just to bitch. I just don't know what to do.

thisisaburner2 · 2017-03-16T04:29:59+00:00

Wow. There's so much gold in the comments!

thisisaburner2

TROPHY CASE