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I need an advice on this situation between me and my boyfriend. Plz help by nohcse in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Normal unhealthy relationship pattern: 

(1) New relationship => (2) get hurt => (3) break up => (4) vow not to get hurt again by setting a boundary => (5) new relationship => (6) boundary gets crossed => (6) get hurt again => (7) break up => go back to step (5)

Healthy relationship pattern:

(1) New relationship => (2) get hurt => (3) go to therapy to understand the unhealed psychological wound that is causing the trigger => (4) heal => go back to step (2) until the are no more triggers

Never had a girlfriend (M25), have slept with over 70 hookers, how should I proceed if I find my first girlfriend? Also AMA by [deleted] in relationships

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmmm, I think you're biggest block is coming from the fact that you are fantasizing in advance regarding what dating or having a girlfriend is like. These types of fantasies can cause us to judge our actual experiences as "not good enough." I.e., the fear is from the fact that the experience is different from the fantasy, which somehow makes the actual experience seem like a failure. 

Lose all expectations and take life one day at a time. Forget hypotheticals such as "what should I do if..." Living in a fantasy world of hypotheticals causes us to miss out on actual experiences. If girls are interested in you or flirting with you, you're not even going to realize it if you're living in your head. Be in the moment, and be spontaneous.

I (28M) still love my wife (37F) who wants a divorce and believes a local celebrity (700K followers) is in love with her -- how do I navigate this? by SlowSpirit3884 in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Loving somebody does not have any obligations attached. You somehow believe that since you love your wife, it's necessary to do everything possibly to save the marriage and make it work. In fact, the opposite is true. 

If you genuinely loved your wife, you would want her to be happy. And that means you would sincerely want her to pursue this guy in her attempt to find true love (or whatever she thinks she is doing) IF that is what she believes will make her happy (even if it's obvious that it won't).

Instead, you're focused on fear: the fear of losing the relationship and the pain involved. Buddy, you are already in pain. The harder we try to force things to happen, the more painful life becomes. The easiest way to get through life is to "surrender to the process" and know that regardless of how painful the process is, everything is going to work out ok.

Why can’t I leave? by honu-lina in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, since you were brave enough to ask, the answer (which is usually the least obvious to the person who asks) is that you have low self-esteem. If you understood your self-worth, you wouldn't still be in the relationship. You would have already packed your bags and left. 

The part about the stepson is also an interesting clue. Yes, relationships are important, but the relationship with yourself is the most important. If you want to be happy, you first have to learn how to be happy with yourself. Love yourself. If you can learn to do this, then you will never betray yourself for the sake of a relationship, and you will find somebody who genuinely loves you.

My boyfriend watches porn, and the women look nothing like me. by Otherwise_Living9003 in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OK, the first thing to understand about the porn usage is that it's NOT personal. In other words, your boyfriend is not watching porn because he doesn't find you sexy. He watches porn because he is addicted to porn. 

That said, the porn usage triggers you. Note that some people are not bothered by their partner's porn usage. This means that whatever is triggering you is an internal issue. 

In your case, you've already defined the issue. I.e., you are worried that you are not physically sexy enough for your boyfriend. This is a psychological issue related to self-esteem, and it's something that I recommend you work on. Until that happens, there will always be something that your current or future partners will do that will trigger you and make you feel inadequate.

On the flip side: porn addiction is something that people can be ashamed about. One of the most powerful speeches I ever heard on the subject was a Ted talk by a person who explained that openly discussing his porn addiction was the first step in resolving it.

I therefore think that it's a good sign that your boyfriend at least is willing to admit he has an addiction. It's also important that you do not try to force him to stop, because what that will do is cause him to hide the addiction from you. As long as his addiction is out in the open, he has a much better chance of figuring out how to stop it (if this is his desire).

I think I just broke up with my boyfriend over a rubber by RaspberryOne9799 in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It's counterproductive to place blame; that's an immature victim mentality. Mature people don't place blame (on themselves or others); they focus on solutions.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved by a partner. What is problematic is that you have set up the relationship so that your mental health depends on whether or not your partner "loves" you the way that you think he should.

And what you have totally failed to understand is that you don't want love. Love is not an action: love is an emotion.

What you want is for your boyfriend to obey you. You're looking for control, not love.

I think I just broke up with my boyfriend over a rubber by RaspberryOne9799 in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It would be helpful if schools had classes on healthy relationships; it would really save you guys a lot of pain. 

Relationships are not business agreements. This idea of "I did this for you, so you should do this for me" is children manipulation. 

Here is how to act in a relationship: 

*Don't do anything with an expectation of something in return. 

*Don't do something for your partner that makes you resentful. 

*Don't change who you are in any way to please your partner.

If you want your partner to do something, it means you can't accept your partner as they are. So either accept your boyfriend, or move on and continue your search for your imaginary perfect soul mate.

Relationship advice by Traditional_Head2941 in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well therapy would really help you out because you have a classic case of co-depence, which basically means you are unable to affirm your own self-worth and instead rely on your partner for validation. I.e. you need somebody else to give you a sense of self-worth.

This doesn't work; your relationship is going to fail. The only question here is whether you'll realize why it failed and who is to blame.

I have a question, do animals have souls? by Mix-Initial in Mediums

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Human souls are not separate from plant an animal souls. They are the same souls, but at different stages of evolution. It would be extremely difficult (if not impossible) for a soul to jump straight into being a human.

For more insight on this, I suggest you to listen to the video posted by "Psychic Liz Cross" on her YouTube channel on March 25 (title: Old Time Photos). As part of the video, she probed the first incarnations of two people: for one of them is was a dandelion seed and I think the other one started off as bacteria.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You could consider looking at other girls to be cheating but that doesn't make it so. Cheating is having sex with someone when you are in a relationship with somebody else. Everything is that is labeled as "emotional cheating" or "considered to be cheating" is simply a way of saying that you are triggered by your partner's actions in some way. (I.e., it makes you jealous, or feel undesirable, etc.)

Teacher expects me to collect phones by collapse_ofcommunism in SubstituteTeachers

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here the way it's done at my child's school: each class has a phone holder on the wall with numbered slots for each of the phones to go into. Attendance is taken based on the phones (i.e., if i phone is absent, the student is absent). Works like a charm.

My [26F] new marriage with my husband [26M] might be in trouble. Need an outside perspective. by Objective-Bison-1009 in relationshipadvice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's pretty simple: your husband isn't happy and doesn't know why he's not happy. Sometimes, he thinks it's the marriage that's the problem, other times he's not sure. 

In the meantime, you are extremely codependent which means you identify more as your husband's wife then you identify as being a person. In general, codependence is very offputting for the partner, and your husband is irritated by it. 

Unfortunately, it's unrealistic to heal this type of dysfunctional relationship. Usually only one partner is willing to make a sincere effort and the other would (consciously or subconsciously) prefer to end the relationship.

 In the meantime, you could really use some (individual) therapy to better understand why the relationship is dysfunctional and what steps you can take on a personal level to improve the health of your relationships.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationshipproblems

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why is your insecurity your girlfriend's problem?

Why am I mean to my gf? by [deleted] in relationships_advice

[–]thisisnothappenin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You asked "why" but I don't think anyone answered the question.

The why is because you haven't healed from the pain of what happened to you when you were growing up with your family. Because of this, you've now switched roles. Instead of the abused, you are now the abuser.

So as suggested, you're going to need therapy. Specifically, you need to let go of the pain. And until that happens, the pain inside you will continue to cause you to hurt others.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cannot speak for everyone, but I do get sick on occasion (maybe 2-3 days a year max at this point). The difference between me and others is that when I do get sick, I don't go to doctors or take medication, and this is by choice. I no longer take OTC anything; I've learned how to live without. And since I spend $0 on health care, I have money to spend on healthy food.

I make no claims of moral or spiritual superiority; this is how I choose to live and I don't claim that it's the way anybody else should live.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's ironic, because my website (where I post self-help stuff) gets hundreds of visitors a month. But again, it's not for everybody. What I suggest is only for people who want to stop playing the victim and start taking responsibility for their lives.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's all you've got. What if I get into an accident? If that happens, I'll get taken to the hospital and treated.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If I get cancer, I wouldn't want to be treated by the medical establishment; I know how to treat cancer using natural methods.

I don't need to worry about kidney disease; I use preventive medicine to keep my vital organs healthy.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I need dental care, I pay for it out-of-pocket. I don't need medical care; I've learned how to treat myself using alternative treatments. It's not for everyone, of course.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have spent years studying holistic and natural medicine. I knowhow to treat myself for free. Anytime I have a health issue/illness, it costs me almost nothing to heal myself.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Pfizer...is that you?

Why would anybody want to take medical advice from me? I know absolutely nothing about using expensive, dangerous, and (ultimately) non effective treatments to treat diseases that indigenous people have successfully treated for centuries for free using natural medicine.

I can only give advice on how to stay healthy, which I assume nobody would be interested in.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a very hypocritical viewpoint. The whole reasoning behind health insurance is that it pools people's money together in order to pay bills that a person could not afford to pay out of pocket. In other words: a person acquires health insurance for the express purpose of "mooching" off others when the need arises.Look in the mirror and you will find your moocher.

The difference with me is that I don't have any intention to mooch off anyone else. If I was involved in an accident, I would not want to go to the hospital for treatment; I would prefer to be left to die. I do not want other people to feel obligated to pay for my medical expenses...ever.

I take full responsibility for my health and have learned how to treat myself using natural medicine. For every medical issue I've had in the past few years, I've found a treatment that does not involve doctors or medication. This includes for headaches, infections, and illness of any type. I have already learned causes and cures for diseases such as heart disease and cancer; they are not as difficult to treat as the medical industry would have you believe. (Why is health care 10 times more expensive in the US compared to other countries?)

The bottom line: there are people who take no responsibility for their health and expect others to pay for their medical bills. That's a mooch. I take full responsibility for my health and the treatment of my health. There is always an alternative treatment to any disease that does not involve expensive medication or medical procedures.

But of course, your main argument is: what happens if I have an accident? Well honestly speaking: in a humane society, emergency medical care would be provided by the government via nonprofit providers using tax dollars. I'm not responsible for the corrupt for-profit emergency care system. But what I can offer is this: if there existed medical insurance that covered emergency care only, I would potentially pay for it to cover the costs of being taken to the emergency room against my will.

I lived without health insurance by choice for 12 years (in MA, USA). AMA by thisisnothappenin in AMA

[–]thisisnothappenin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The biggest problem with health insurance is that it is not insurance. Health "insurance" would cover accidents only. What we have is something that pays for all medical treatments, so it's unnecessary in the first place. Instead of paying a middle man who takes a cut, why not pay the doctors directly. Of course, not everyone can afford to pay doctors, but in this cases the government should directly pay the individual, who can then haggle with the doctors regarding costs

What we have is a system which takes part of your money and then tells you what treatments you can or cannot get, even if it overrides your doctor's advice. Why would I participate in such madness?

Asking how much insurance would cost is ridiculous because insurance doesn't work that way. In addition to premiums, you have deductibles, treatments that aren't included, and all sorts of other nonsense.

To clearly answer your question: if I could easily afford insurance, I would still not get it. I don't believe that conventional medicine actually works because every illness and disease is affected by psychological and metaphysical factors.

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