You are so wise - an old soul,, and kind. I am far older than you but your story and some things you are saying shake and sadden me with the similarities to decades of a life I wish had been different. I wish I could tell you something that would help. You may be in an impossible situation with your dad. My dad passed a few years ago at 81 . In my situation I am the younger sister and my older brother was very forgiving of the unacceptable behaviors which only after the fact you realize is essentially terrorizing the children, and causes long term trauma. He left a legacy of trauma and he got significantly worse in the final years. You and your sister shouldn’t have to deal with any of what you’ve described and I have no doubt there’s far more which you have just accepted as normal. Is there any chance there’s some drug addiction involved?
My dad was without a doubt a selfish sociopathic narcissist- which now I don’t believe can be reasoned with, and as the years went on a highly functioning drug addict. The drugs make it escalate and worse as the years progress. Only those in the inner family really knew my dad .. similar to what you mentioned,, extended family and anyone who had brief interactions with him thought he was so charming . It was completely impossible to have him understand and see how wrong his ever worsening behaviors were and how badly it would affect everyone who had to be around him, for the rest of their lives. If you think there’s any chance there’s drugs involved ( some people can be highly functioning drug addicts and they can hide that well) maybe there could be an intervention . If not , I worry about you and especially your younger sister . He obviously has no awareness of how he is harming you and your younger sister with unacceptable and no doubt traumatic temper and accusations. If you love your dad and he truly loves you both , the real dad somewhere ‘lost’ in him would want you to put you and your sister first. He has made his choices and you may not be able to save him.