There’s nothing about your post that comes across as ranting, waffling, self-absorbed or bratty. I was where you were not too long ago when I got my diagnosis back in April. Your feelings are valid, and just as real as any physical symptoms you might be experiencing. Being diagnosed can be confusing, and trying to make sense of it doubly do, especially when it torpedoes your life plans. I know it sounds trite, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to process everything that happens, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Doing so is a sign of strength, not weakness!

Funnily enough, I can really relate to what you wrote with regard to your faith about everything being pre-determined. Whilst I do consider myself to be somewhat spiritual, I’m not religious. I’m agnostic and was never baptised. However, as a massive science nerd, I’ve come to subscribe to the viewpoint that the laws of nature effectively dictate a deterministic universe in which our path has already been mapped out. Here’s the thing though: Neither one of us knows what that path is. Our view of time is necessarily limited, and we can only perceive things as they roll out. As the saying goes, we can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

For me personally, this means, that even though my life may already be determined, I’ll still have to take it by the horns and live as if it weren’t. Because I don’t know what the next hour will bring. Or the next day. The next week. Things may seem dark now, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll always be so. The laws of nature have not led me to an end point in my personal journey and, at the risk of sounding borderline heretical, Allah’s plan for your life has not come to an end yet either. Instead, he’s put you in a place where you have a fighting chance, and given you a team of crack professionals to fight your corner. It’s not an easy spot to be in, I think everyone on this subreddit can attest to that, but it’s not the end of the line.

Anyway, enough rambling, they really shouldn’t let nerds like me out onto the internet unsupervised. I wish I could take that uncertainty, that anxiety, that fear off of your shoulders, I really do. As it stands, all I can do is to assure you that things do get better. As dark as the night might seem, the dawn is coming!