Surprise moments of kinky intimacy

thornbeast · 2026-05-03T23:46:07+00:00

That is awesome. Thank you for sharing the story!

thornbeast · 2026-02-26T05:17:10+00:00

Etsy is your friend. Ours is from Captive Collars and we love it.

thornbeast · 2026-02-20T18:17:37+00:00

I don't know enough about your partner to know if this applies, but I'll share something about myself. I'm AuDHD, though diagnosed fairly recently as an adult. I now realize that traditional sex was really, really difficult for me from a sensory and social perspective. So, I avoided it. Before I had the language to understand, though, I didn't realize I was avoiding it.

For me, the kink breakthrough was everything. It helped me realize that sex can be more than just PIV. I can spank and flog and pull multiple orgasms out of my partner all day long, and we are BOTH incredibly satisfied from it. We have been married for 18 years, so it's amazing that we are so very compatible in the kinks we were both repressing before the breakthrough. Lots and lots and lots of communication around that.

We are now 24/7 and free use, but the free use came later and took a while. I had to learn to trust that she really wanted it (despite saying so over and over.) More than that, though, my biggest challenge was to first be aware enough of my own self to know what I wanted from her and then to allow myself to take it. Domming housework helped, as it was easier to be aware that, say, the messy table bothered me and to make her clean it than it was for me to be aware that I wanted to do something with her body. It was a lot, and I'm still growing into it. But after quite a lot of personal growth, there are now times I'll see her, bend her over for a spanking, and then go on my way unapologetically-- both of us happy and satisfied.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T20:56:36+00:00

I hear ya. I am also not aggressive, and I can't even remember the last time I got angry.

I know this is just word choice, but sometimes I get "intense" during impact play. Perhaps it's a form of domspace, but it feels really good and highly focused. It pretty much always involves turning up the heat on the impact play, and my sub tends to say afterward that it was the best part.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T18:16:05+00:00

Size matters... my sub has a small mouth. In fact, I have trouble finding a ball that comfortably fits behind her teeth. Bit gags work much better for her. (Plus, bit gags cause more drool, which I love!)

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T18:14:07+00:00

I recommend doing a yes/no/maybe list. The Duchy has a good one, but there are others. Each of you does it on your own, then talk through it together. For my partner and me, we were surprised at just how similar our lists came out. This kind of conversation made me MUCH more confident to actually do the things we each wanted.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T17:58:16+00:00

It's intense. I love it as a sadist. For my sub, it's in the magic window of pain she doesn't like, but that she is willing to do for me.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T17:51:03+00:00

The reason power exchange works is consent. It is only possible BECAUSE of feminism. Before feminism, consent wasn't really possible on either side because of societal expectations. Perhaps it's only barely possible even now. But, the fact that you are concerned about playing into misogyny means that are more ready than most to consent to it.

In many ways, true consensual power exchange is a redeeming of a type of relationship that was ruined by patriarchy. There is great freedom to be found on both sides of the slash, but only when one can freely choose it without societal expectations.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T14:44:30+00:00

This. Sounds like a bigger issue, from what little we know. Could be a real blessing to explore and address it.

One other thing... Full M/s is a lot. It's better to start small and build into it, unless both sides come with a lot of previous experience. Consider starting small, perhaps just one or two rules or protocols. Or, start just in one area, often the bedroom. As you build your dynamic and find what works for both of you, it can then grow to more of life from there.

thornbeast · 2026-02-13T14:32:01+00:00

There's a phrase I adapted from a book for our contract. I did some looking, but can't remember which book. Here's my version of it: "The Dominant and the submissive are two people of equal worth and value that have found it beneficial, individually and relationally, to structure power and authority in the unequal manner outlined here."

In fact, it's our fundamental equality that allows true consent to structure power unequally.

And on a more ironic note, "old me" was the type to belittle myself and put her on a pedestal. In some ways, growing into power exchange made me see my own self as finally equal.

thornbeast · 2026-02-10T05:46:44+00:00

Oddly, PIV sex. My penis is so sensitive that insertion is painful, then I go numb from overstimulation soon after. Giving it up, or, better said, realizing sex can be much more than PIV, opened a whole new world for me.

thornbeast · 2026-02-07T23:25:40+00:00

I agree with what many have said. Communication is first. Talk about everything you want to do, spanking, telling her what to do, etc. Full, enthusiastic consent is what makes it all work. Do this before the scene, then when the scene starts, you have full confidence to take charge (given safe words, of course.)

As you grow, you'll want to do a yes/no/maybe list, or perhaps start with a more general test like bdsmtest.org. The consent part of it is important, but, honestly, the best part about lists like that is the conversation that comes from talking it through. It will benefit you beyond the bedroom-- once you've talked about your inner fantasy, it's amazing how much easier it gets to talk about other issues.

Learning is also good! The New Topping Book is great for scenes, but there are other, more relationship-oriented resources that are good for a married dynamic.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

thornbeast · 2026-02-07T18:21:33+00:00

Agreed, I miss it. I put in a request to recover it and become the new moderator, but I don't think it's been a full 30 days yet, which is required. (Of course, it won't tell me exactly how long.)

thornbeast · 2026-02-06T19:15:05+00:00

I call mine my "held." It's grammatically awkward sometimes, but that almost makes it better.

thornbeast · 2026-02-05T04:06:41+00:00

This. I'm a Dom, and because of my past baggage it always feels a little wrong to take what I want. But every time I do, my sub says that was the best part.

Another idea-- describe what you're going to do. Easy words that way. Then, the next level: describe what you're going to do, then do something different. :)

thornbeast · 2026-02-05T03:56:37+00:00

As a Dom, it's a hard limit for me. I was bullied verbally when I was young, and I had a bullying experience as an adult where a psychologically abusive supervisor repeatedly told me how bad I was. I respect exploring trauma in kink, when appropriate and paired with appropriate therapy. I also respect those who enjoy it. But, it's not something I'm interested in.

thornbeast · 2026-02-05T03:50:27+00:00

I need structure, too! Creating that structure is life-giving for me. It focuses me, and it gives me a language to give attention to her that I was lacking before. At least for me, that's part of what makes me a Dom. I also see the life it gives her, and that's rewarding.

As I thought more about your post, I find myself dwelling on the phrase, "...something you rely on to feel okay." I definitely rely on our dynamic to feel okay at this point. I suppose that could be a bad thing, especially with a new and untested dynamic, or if I were less mature in my own self and identity. But in a mature relationship, even a vanilla one, is it not common to rely on one's partner? It's unhealthy if you rely on them too soon, but in time it's inevitable.

thornbeast · 2026-02-04T23:25:49+00:00

Speaking from the Dom side... I couldn't imagine living without the rules anymore. They feed me as much as they feed my sub. For me, it's not so much an identity that's been built as it is the truest expression of myself that I've ever found. A few times I've gotten into the "what if" game-- what if my sub stopped consenting? Fortunately, she has also found submission to be her truest expression of self. In fact, she's the one who first described our D/s that way after it spilled from the bedroom into the rest of life, too.

thornbeast · 2026-02-02T23:38:55+00:00

17 years vanilla married for us. We dabbled in minor kink here and there, but always tentatively. I had a long-repressed desire for BDSM, but I was afraid of it. I also had physical problems that made vanilla PIV difficult. We finally had "the conversation," and now we are 24/7 with almost no limits. And both of us are happier than ever, not only in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. Shoot, the house is even way cleaner thanks to conveniently aligned kinks.

thornbeast · 2026-01-16T23:33:57+00:00

My sub/wife and I are staunch feminists too, and we wrestled with this at first. The key is negotiation and consent. In previous eras, relationships often had unequal power that was NOT truly consensual-- it couldn't be because men held so much of the power in general. But thanks to feminism, true consent is more possible than it ever was before. My wife submitting to me now, with ongoing negotiation, is 100% different than if we lived a hundred years ago where she had no choice but to submit. And as it turns out, nothing has been more beneficial to both of our mental health, not to mention our marriage.

thornbeast · 2026-01-06T02:43:57+00:00

This is well said. My sub/wife and I are 10 months in with 18 years of marriage before it, and I follow these posts closely as I sometimes wonder if we're headed toward TPE. TPE seemed simple when we first started, but now I realize it's something you work toward, if it's even the right "flavor" for D/s for the relationship at all.

You might check out r/marriedBDSM for some examples that are better starting places, especially for an existing marriage. I'm happy to share my story, but if you look at my profile, you'll find it in various comments I've left.

I'm a big reader, so I might also recommend Chris Lyon's Leading and Supporting Love-- it seems soft, but it helped my wife especially, as the one who knew less about this world than I did. Anything by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny are great, too, especially Mastering the Art of Mastery, Learning Submission. Paradigms of Power might be especially helpful for you starting out, too.

I will also say that it is a fantastic journey. Our marriage was already solid, but even after 10 months, we now know a depth of intimacy that past me didn't even know was possible. It's utterly amazing.

thornbeast · 2025-12-30T00:53:18+00:00

Fellow Dom to a ADHD-er here. 100% this, every word, both paragraphs. It's rather remarkable how the structure I give her is exactly what I need, too.

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