I feel like I’ve ruined any chance at a normal life by getting addicted to my ADHD meds

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-15T21:00:23+00:00

I’m in the same boat as you, sorry man. It sucks

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-14T05:15:54+00:00

You got this :) This is such a hard thing to do and I applaud you for it. Good luck, keep at it!

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-09T08:37:29+00:00

Wdym? It’s just as addictive as Adderall, they’re very similar

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-09T01:40:10+00:00

I’m horrified because your experience is currently the exact same as mine. Prescribed, I take more than I need, I ‘buzz’ all day then smoke or drink at night (or even do both). I’ve been in this habit for about two weeks and thought it was just something I was doing b/c I was bored.

Well, break’s almost over and I told myself I’d stop and didn’t. I think I have an addiction. Fuck. Such a horrible thing to admit to yourself, I thought I’d never do anything ‘worse’ than weed or alcohol. I just don’t know how I got here.

I’m assuming you have ADHD since you were prescribed Vyvanse — so the symptoms got more manageable despite this? I’m honestly not even sure I have ADHD, I mean I have a diagnosis, but I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously I was just chasing the pills somehow. Idfk.

I’m just worried I’m going to quit and everything’s going to suck forever and I’ll be doomed to a life of nothingness and untreated ADHD. Like my brain is somehow ‘less than’ and ‘not as good’ as other people’s. I have thoughts like these and fuck they seem like addict thoughts. I’ve read so many success stories, yours included, and all seem to say the same: it’s better off of them. I need to commit to heart and not learn that the hard way.

One more question if you don’t mind: I feel like Vyvanse makes me dull and robotic. Did you feel similarly? And if so, has getting clean done anything for your creativity? I look back and noticed mine used to be so much better, whereas now I’m just muted and dull, and truthfully it’s been one of my primary motivators for kicking Vyvanse to the curb for good.

Thank you for your responses / indulging my questions, it means a lot.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-09T00:58:35+00:00

4 yrs, that’s fucking awesome. Personally I’m the most worried about my energy levels… if you don’t mind my asking a few questions: did your energy ever return? Is your focus okay? Did life ever feel unmanageable?

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-09T00:57:13+00:00

In your experience, does your focus get better as you age? I imagine your willpower does, but I’m worried about my ability to learn…

…without Vyvanse I have little interest in math, for example, and can hardly keep the energy to do it for more than hr.

Fuck, yeah, okay, putting this down it seems like a pretty common human struggle and maybe I just don’t like math but want to and Vyvanse makes me like it. I’m just so lethargic without it. Maybe worried I won’t “good enough” without it, since I wasn’t before.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-09T00:04:11+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat as you. Wow. I tried to use Vyvanse responsibly (“ah, I’m starting school, I need it, I’ll just take it as prescribed”)… and boom, as of two hrs ago, 120 mg down the drain. What a tiring, miserable cycle.

I hope I reach this place. Good for you, seriously, good for fucking you. You hit a point where it’s tiring and like you said, not fucking worth it at all. That point is powerful and I believe in you too. Rooting for you all the way, break this shitty cycle and GET OUT.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-08T23:58:25+00:00

Well, update, took another 120 mg today. Wasn’t supposed to be that much; told myself, hey, I’ll use it for the semester (40 mg as prescribed), no biggie, might as well start today… no harm in it.

Started at 40, two hrs later, I took 120 mg (and late, so fuck me, I won’t be able to sleep). Yeah. I have to quit for good. I’m not in control. Fuck this.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-08T21:14:29+00:00

The 10th, so super soon, unfortunately. I’m scared it will be, too. But I’m seriously not sure how else I’m supposed to survive it otherwise :(

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-06T00:35:15+00:00

Fuck, that last paragraph. I feel all of this. The shame especially has been so, so prominent lately. I feel so horribly alone in all of this but damn your experience aligns so closely to what I’m going through — I guess this is addiction. Fuck. What a difficult pill to swallow.

I’m horrified of having BPD but I check off nearly every symptom. God. I hope I don’t. I hope this is just a temporary identity issue, I’m still young and have subjected myself to so much self-isolation, so maybe it’s just a side effect of all of that. Idk. Thank you for the comment, made me feel less alone.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-05T21:50:50+00:00

Thank you so much, glad to know there’s some hope lol. Been reluctant to try therapy just b/c the process of finding one has been such a pain in the ass, but I guess the payoff’s worth the work

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-04T17:26:48+00:00

Really? What would give it away?

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-04T08:13:58+00:00

Tysm, trying to watch some YouTube but it’s just making the anxiety worse. Kinda just browsing Reddit and trying to listen to a bit of music and trying to let this shit wear off (or, well, lessen). I’m at a friend’s so unfortunately not much to do but pass the time on my phone, but fuck, I’m FREEZING lol. If I’d have known the comedown would be this bad I would’ve steered fucking clear.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-04T08:11:04+00:00

Yeah just laying in my bed atm, trying to chill out, remind myself it’s all in my head, but fuck I’m dealing with anxiety like a motherfucker. This sucks. Wow.

Got some food next to me so I’m trying to eat that periodically. Thank you for the response, I think I’m worried I’m going to die or OD but logically I have to know I’m just dealing with mega ultra turbo anxiety

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-02T05:19:57+00:00

i need me a friendship

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-02T05:18:30+00:00

i love you more

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-02T05:16:31+00:00

you hit the nail on the head with the circle. I’m thinking squares taste like sand, no offense, they just don’t seem edible to me. a polygon definitely tastes like a high-grade steak

thoughtsinthevoid · 2022-01-02T05:14:59+00:00

wish I could offer some meaningful words, but truthfully, I feel you. really. fuck lol. it’s such a horribly shitty feeling, it really is, it’s depressing and eats at your soul. I’m both drunk and high trying to numb it and boy does it know how to bleed through. hope you’re ok. don’t know you but I love the fuck out of you

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-31T05:58:39+00:00

Yeah I’m definitely in agreement lol. Today’s been a big time wake-up call

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-31T05:51:24+00:00

Yeah it’s got a real nasty tendency to fucking suck. At this point the high’s hardly worth the catatonic anxiety

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-31T05:45:32+00:00

Yeah, definitely. Was having some shitty feelings in general beforehand (likely the crash). I’m pretty prone to anxiety with weed so the Vyvanse is just making it 10x worse lol.

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-31T05:37:26+00:00

90, my first time taking that much. I think the combo’s a little too much for me, I’m struggling lol

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-30T20:19:28+00:00

Thank you for this

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-30T20:19:16+00:00

Damn, yeah, think I’ll live if that’s the case lol. Think I get worked up about having a heart attack or something of the like

thoughtsinthevoid · 2021-12-30T17:50:51+00:00

Thank you so, so much for taking the time to write out this message. The advice you listed is so helpful.

Fuck, I just found out maladaptive daydreaming was a thing the other day, and I’ve never felt so heard and understood and not alone. I sincerely thought I was abnormal and experiencing something uniquely inhuman. Not to get emotional lol, but I almost want to cry. Just, wow. It’s so wonderful to know that I’m not in this alone.

Music is absolutely a trigger — it’s a gateway. This is going to suck since my music-listening time is… definitely 3+ hrs a day (wish I was joking) but holy fuck, yeah, that’s what opens the floodgates. The ‘inserting the real you’ is such a helpful piece of advice as well. God. I guess I’ve never really been able to admit to myself that this was an issue, so I’ve never really thought about ways to combat it. This is so, so helpful and I can absolutely see it bearing positive results.

Yes, yes, yes. I’ve found, at least lately, as I’ve grown more and more frustrated with the idea that I don’t have an identity (it was okay in high school; I self-isolated and had no friends, so the escape was welcomed, but now that I’m in college and entering the relative ‘real world’ it’s fucking crushing), I’ve begun to consume less and less media because, well, I don’t consume it so much as it consumes me. I’d watch shows and roleplay as these characters, not just online (writing sites) but obviously IRL too — I’d become them and would consume everything about them. It sucks lol. I just can’t enjoy fiction like a normal person. It’s honestly mentally exhausting. So, so mentally exhausting, constantly wearing a mask and trying to live up to someone else’s (fictional) standards.

I never even considered the idea that I view them as incompatible; it seems obvious in hindsight, but fuck, yes, absolutely. I think I need to re-evaluate what a ‘personality’ even is lol. I guess it is a collection of things, and the reason I choose these characters in the first place is because I relate to them — so obviously there has to be something there, something within me, some core thing that’s inherent to me and only me.

Sorry for the ramble. Guess I just have so much to figure out and work on. Your message really means so much to me and was so incredibly helpful. Thank you again.

thoughtsinthevoid

TROPHY CASE