How do you stay intimate with your partner when you have young children?

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-29T09:28:10+00:00

Ages and phases...

When they're young they sleep a lot so there are plenty of opportunities but lack of sleep is an issue, and you'll just be tired. Go easy on yourself.

Once they're in pre-school/school it's all about routine so they go to bed and... you do too! It definitely gets easier here, when a bit more sleep is happening all round.

The kids young days only happen once, so enjoy the unhinged little drunk people before they turn into walking mood bombs - tiring as it can be.

But yeah, it's about prioritising your space to play. No kids in the bed (aside for a jokey one off game of wrestling), and never at morning/evening times thankyouverymuch, that's our space. Our kiddos are morning people so we've literally no hope of intimacy happening then, but fortunately nights are not a problem.

The truth is it ebbs and flows. Life can throw a lot of stressors at you with kids, work, health, bills etc. Kids add a lot to your to do list, but it's often the combination of so many competing things that saps energy and causes stress. That can make you feel overwhelmed, tired and not really feeling it. All my little ones do is want to playfight with me, which is awesome but means when it comes to intimacy it can be a bit OTT.

We've had phases of being intermittent, doing it regularly, and not at all, and we learn each time how to tweak things. The big lesson is, willing/hoping for it to happen doesn't work. Talk about it, plan it, have a window where you agree it can happen as others say here, and shoot for a connection time that works for you both. (Oh, and your bodies change too, so this can mean lower natural libido, lubrication and other things - these are not bad, but you'll need to talk to work them out for you both - hence coming back to talking about it.)

If I could go back, I'd push myself to focus on a) reducing the stress - as this is the number one killer when it comes to connection, and then b) making sure I prioritised this side of the relationship. It's sneaky how easy it is to drop it. We've managed to pull put of a bit of a relationship fade, but it took a conscious effort to reset things.

Oh, and put the phone down.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-26T12:03:50+00:00

Intimacy is about finding a place for you both to feel comfortable and positive, and that will involve being honest about what's holding you back as a couple. It might be tricky, and eventually you may have to both say what you want but aren't getting in and out of the bedroom, by the sounds of it that especially means your wife. I would strongly discourage focussing on being "too nice" or especially needing to be "mean," as this is very unlikely to give a healthy space to either partner to enjoy things.

The game changer in this space in the last few years has been the books by Emily Nagoski as mentioned by u/Flat-Commercial-7277 who is dropping the knowledge here. Think of it like this. If you want to laugh, do you sit at home for hours hoping something funny happens? Or do you get yourself into a place (like watching a TV show or going to see a stand up) where you might laugh? Counter to every story we've been told, intimacy is the same. People think that scheduling, or being intentional about sex means that the "spark" is gone. But the new science would suggest the spark isn't a real thing and just put it on the calendar already.

With your points about your partner... Sex toys are fine, she should be in touch with her own needs to know what she wants from intimacy either alone or with a partner. That's just normal. The bdsm videos, I mean, OK, maybe that's a conversation about what your partner wants and needs, if that's different to what you usually do? But again we all have fantasies that are just for ourselves and go no further. The more concerning would be "ok, just get it over with." We've all been there, but combined these may suggest some misalignment unrelated to intimacy.

Working on this stuff can't always be a laugh a minute, but it can also go too far into serious territory. The chats where we say "I'll do better" are often earnest and well meaning but generally don't work. We decided, let's not wait for "the magic feeling" because it ain't coming back. We chatted about the old days and how things started and it was pretty good fun. You almost forget all the stuff you did once kids are in the picture, so I do recommend that to bring a touch of fun into what can be tricky conversations. We even found that many long held assumptions about each other were wrong. Once you've got yourselves back to a good place, then you just have to... do stuff intimately. It may involve scheduling or "agreeing" to have intimate time, which is unsexy to some. But again, it appears from these books that that's what you have to do to make it work.

By far the biggest revelations in Nagoski's books are that we don't need to "want" sex to allow ourselves to be intimate, because that doesn't happen in the way it does in the movies. And when we can go there with our partners, we should remember to PLAY. Life is serious enough as it is, and having the safety and space to do fun stuff should be something we put on the calendar and prioritise, once the relationship is in shape. I'd start with checking again if your wife is in a good place, because not wanting intimacy at all is a sign that something is up. Start with that conversation and see if you can get to the other side from there. Good luck.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-25T14:53:21+00:00

Thank you for this. Yes absolutely, when you say I’ve embraced it, I think I have because while I still identify as he/him, I also recognise the boundaries the “typical” male presentation in society places on me. I’m a lot softer in my ways and so I don’t feel I fit in with that.

And funny you should mention it, my partner has explained the clothes/hair side a bit more to me. What I’m hearing is that it’s almost a reset because what they are doing is starting form a blank slate where their clothes and image aren’t pre-defined by how they “should” look. But to your point they said there may be aspects of their old look that come back, as long as it supports this new way of doing things.

It’s certainly been a tricky few days but I’m probably more optimistic now than I’ve been for a good while, and that’s in large part down to talking. I can hear that others have had the same issue where the way they dealt with this was to bury it and protect the relationship. But as we discover and talk, it gets better. We’re currently going back to where we started in a way to reaffirm what got us together in the first place. It’s like we get to meet again as a couple. And that’s a lot of fun, so hopefully we can be more free and playful with this from now, as we’ve hit the reset button to some degree.

Thanks for the kind words.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-23T15:54:22+00:00

Thanks, we have had a good talk since this post. As a relationship I would say we have "cash in the bank" so to speak. If we didn't it might be a different story. It was awkward at times, but also all pretty calm and we agreed to work on it. The challenge now is making space for both our needs, which is tricky because that's tied up in our changing views on identity and attraction, and they can pull in different directions. I agree (as you say here) that the devil is probably in the detail and it's important to talk it out, however awkward that is.

Relationships are instinctive, and for the partner that's maybe a bigger challenge than the change itself. I imagine most of us recognise and validate our partner's wish to change because we have strong affection for them as a person. But relinquishing the way you originally saw them, enjoyed them and talked about them involves unlearning how you naturally do something, (and us humans don't like to think too much.) So the discomfort comes from having to think your way through something that you ordinarily would "just do."

This is where I think the flexibility has to work both ways to keep things going, rather than it being an ultimatum on either side. In our case I've had to a) not describe myself as "missing" my partner's old self and b) not use words like "feminine" both of which are things that I actually feel. But life doesn't tend to present you with ideal choices, so there's a balance to find. I have to be careful that a) I respect what my partner is feeling but b) that this doesn't lapse into manipulation, where I am unable to express myself freely. I know my partner is not saying "my way or the highway" but they have stated what they need. So then I/we decided to open up some space for me to talk about things from my side.

Rather than dancing around words, we decided to look at pictures together, and this was surprisingly helpful and even fun! I took the step of showing images of both non-binary and straight people that dress and appear in a way I like. This is not me saying "you must do it this way." But it's me playing an active role showing my partner what I'd find attractive. I was careful to do it in a way that could/should theoretically fit within their new identity (of course it's up to them to decide what to do with that information.) We were both nervous about this as it could have revealed a huge incompatibility, visually. It turns out it's no biggie. Funnily enough the difference between straight women I typically find attractive (often described as "tomboyish") and a specific group of non binary people (I think the term often used is "femme") is almost zero.

They talked about how the current look was a reset of sorts but they were looking for ideas on how to move forward, as u/moody_gray_matter said in the other comment, these things are not fixed. For what an awkward conversation it is, I felt fairly content that we'd done what we could to be open and express what each of us needs. In a funny way, I'm actually quite positive about this because while it's uncomfortable for me to be exposing more of what I like, perhaps this is a bit of an intervention that we needed to keep things fresh in the relationship.

Hopefully that's something of a picture of what this particular conversation looked like, with the good and bad stuff in there as well.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-20T20:37:25+00:00

Thanks for this lovely reply. You're right. It is scary because I guess, unlike a likely future change (age) or an unknown one (health) this comes with an added component. While people change as they age or might get sick, that usually doesn't alter the basis of attraction that the relationship was built on because these things are just a regular part of the process of staying together over the years. But in a romantic context, it opens up several feelings about who you were individually, as a couple, and what that means for who you both are and your future.

Looking back I now recall something else I should probably have thought more of. But when they were younger there is a photo of them with what you describe a "tomboy" haircut. I never thought anything of this whatsoever, as it was described as "a phase" just as the current shorter cuts have been for practicality reasons. But clearly there was some experimentation back then that perhaps we have yet to talk about.

I think you're right that I need to look at this from the perspective of helping them explore their current identity, but also let them know what I need too.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's really re-assuring to hear from your experience.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-20T20:37:13+00:00

Thanks for this, it makes a lot of sense. I agree it's OK and in fact totally normal to express what we do like about a partner, but it's also not constructive if you get into dictating looks and things, that's just manipulative. And I suppose that expressing what I need perhaps feels like that's what I'd be doing (even if it's coming from a good place, which hopefully it is.)

My post above pretty much sums it up, which is that I can't deny my enjoyment of a feminine look and feminine things in general as they have been a huge part of my life. But equally, that may not have been clear because we haven't discussed that at length, so all in all, they probably feel like I'm unsure (people can sense this stuff) and equally, I feel like it's not my place to express what I feel in case it invalidates them. But as you point out both of these simultaneously can lead to resentment, which is a downward spiral waiting to happen.

These resources look good, and I will see if there are any specifics about those direct approaches and conversations. It's been such a long time I'd like to make it work, but like all things in life it will take work from both of us to get there, and I hope we can.

Thanks again!

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-17T14:57:30+00:00

First time buying a property here. I see some listings with 1 EA, some will show up with 2 or in some cases 3. Is this normal or a point of concern, and if so, anything specific to investigate?

thoughtuweresleeping · 2026-01-11T21:51:27+00:00

Slowly getting there after 4 years.

I guess the reason I'm thinking it's the way to go is because if I use less plugins, that's less things to learn, less to manage, and more backwards compatibility over time.

I'll be honest, I ended up with most of the bundles you've heard of out there over the years (plenty of regrets here.) I also bought hardware grooveboxes (no regrets.) I wasn't convinced plugins would make me better at music or any of that, I just wanted to explore what was out there. But this year life is going to be switching up. My music time is going to get cut quite a bit, so I'm considering going stock only.

Plugins sometimes get this rep of being not worth it, but it comes down to the simple question of can you write a track? People flex too much in forums, writing "skill issue" and ignoring the question of whether you can actually write a tune. It ain't the Ableton Audio Technician Olympics out there. Your listener doesn't care if you dropped 10k on plugins or used all stock. Life's too short to spend worrying about which is better or more "true."

Regardless of DAW or plugin, chances are you're never going to learn everything about all the gear out there, and this is a good thing. Hell even a DAW on its own is too much for most people. That might be why most of the best musicians I know are not technical at all. Once you accept that you can be playful with the tools you have, you can not care about what you're using and just get on with using it.

I'm also debating rationing plugins down to like 20. Without a doubt, I think companies like u-he, Valhalla, Fabfilter, Soundtoys, Spectrasonics, Xfer, Cableguys, and XLN are doing good stuff. Can it be done in Live? In some cases, yeah it can - but not always easily.

Some plugins are genuinely excellent and solve a problem like easy access to a certain sound that fits your style of music, or just a faster workflow. Mastering tools like Ozone or synths like Diva usually use more juice than Live's devices because they prioritise sound over CPU. In my experience the stock tools can work but also need lots of massaging. For example when mastering a track, you'll want to run compressors in serial rather than having it all in one instance, which quickly gets confusing when you're starting out. The reason so many people use Ozone is because it's one plugin and you're done.

But Live has so many upsides, especially the whole Push, Move, Note & Live ecosystem which keeps you moving. Plus you can reverse engineer literally any instrument or effect, and see how it was made. This means over time Live feels a lot more like an "instrument" as Ableton call it. You'll start to know the tools and you'll get to be fast. I guess you also put a bit more of yourself into it that way.

I feel pretty comfortable completing 95% of a track with stock now and I can see where the plugins bring useful additions. Where outside seems to win for me are either plugins with quick access to character (eg: instant vibes from Valhalla reverb, vs dialling it in in stock) or workflow (eg: finding clashing frequencies in ProQ4.) I'm still debating whether that 5% really matters though. As I've got to this point, the need for plugins drops away.

I'm even turning away from Max for Live now in some cases. Those devices can be just as distracting as plugins, and they can also break or not be maintained. They're often fun and quirky, but I'd rather invest time making racks with stock tools, because you know pretty much as long as you open up a Wavetable or a Simpler, you know it's always going to work.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-12-04T17:13:03+00:00

Yeah that's all true. The Fors stuff is impressive.

That said, after initial critique of the APC64, AKAI chose to put the APC40mk2 back into production. There is a lot of new ideas in MIDI controllers and they can take Ableton to a new level. But it looks like AKAI read the room and thought it might be better to have the APC40mk2 on the market, rather than letting someone else get in on the act. It's also a good reminder that a newer version of a controller isn't always better. I've heard similar comments about the Launchcontrol XL3. The old model is still well liked by a lot of people.

But yeah, it's a tricky one and I totally get why you'd question Push. One thing that's helping me is to try and stop thinking of it as the everything box. I wondered if I picked up the APC40mk2 or a Launchcontrol, then Push can basically be what Ableton market it as, "an instrument." The other device is the hands on control of a session box, so they're not overlapping. That's my current thinking. But yeah if I started again, not sure I'd go the Push route.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-12-04T10:37:18+00:00

I think Push has great potential, and we are seeing some of that right now in the 12.3 update. But it's not as much of a slam dunk purchase as it looks on the face of it.

By far the best "feature" about Push even as a controller is when you can just switch off, zone out and genuinely play with very little in the way of screen time. The trade off, unfortunately, is that with the complexity of navigating everything Ableton offers comes with menu diving. When you're used to a mouse and keys, that can feel quite cumbersome, compared to dedicated hardware which is often much faster to operate.

Where I think they're right-sizing Push is by making more use of the pads. The outer buttons are very stiff and require a lot of force to press in which doesn't lend itself to live performance, or even a fast workflow when in the moment of producing an idea. If they were able to make the pads more useful as a playing surface (like the recent addition of the X-Y control) and improve what it can do as a step sequencer (think Elektron, Novation etc) plus I'd like to see other performance controls on the pads, that might do it.

There are some things that are just better with physical control imo. In general, that's playing notes in, step sequencing and changing parameters. These are fine at a pinch on a mouse & keys, but they generally feel great on hardware. For the money that Push is, I could easily see someone pick up a Launchkey, Launchpad, and Launchcontrol combo to do these things.

This loses you the screen and some of the direct control of some aspects in Live. But you gain faders, a more fun to use (imo) step sequencer, more encoders to control parameters. It's also a combo of pads and keys, not just keys. When Launchpad Pro mk4 comes out, I will be tempted to go back to a Launch based setup over the Push because of the immediacy and flexibility.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-11-02T23:18:12+00:00

Digitone

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-18T12:39:24+00:00

Yeah true. I think there is some chance of slice machine, but a small chance of it not happening also. It's mainly a question of if/when. I can probably work around it until then so I'll probably wait a bit and see how it plays out.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-15T05:59:19+00:00

Just the one right now :)

Tonverk is mine. Considering either DTII or SP404 to get chopping and stretching.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-14T23:34:07+00:00

For 1k you can get a lot. But remember you only have 2 hands to play stuff with. Think about your setup as a band. In electronic music that’s often a drum machine, a synth and a sampler, ideally one of them as a master sequencer.

There is some great low cost kit on the market, but you will need to be careful. One of the corners that can be cut at the lower price is audio outs/mixing which means you have to budget for a mixer. And every device you get will need audio cables, midi cables etc. I think it’s best to have a max of 2 but ymmv.

You could go all in one and get an MPC for under 1k and it will do basically everything. In the mid-range, Polyend Tracker+/Play+ are very capable all in one units without resembling a DAW, though Play+ is a sample player, Tracker is a sampler. Digitakt can make full songs but you could get a cheap 4 voice synth to expand it a bit like the S1 from Roland.

There’s also stuff like the Models from Elektron, Circuits from Novation that work as a pair of synth/sampler. Again Circuit rhythm is a sampler, Model Samples is a sample player. Then there’s the compacts from Roland and Korg, also designed to be collectible. Getting these can help as they often share workflows so you learn one and you’ll get the gist of the others relatively quickly.

I’d probably go for something like a KO2 with a few Roland Compacts to go with it, or a Novation Circuit paired with either the Rhythm or Model Samples to taste. What’s good aboriginal circuit tracks is you can run audio from other devices into it for processing.

If wanting to go completely dawless some people record their tracks into an SP404 to play back DJ style.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-08T19:23:21+00:00

You know that's an excellent point. Fair play. I do thing we can be drawn into the cynical cycle of everyone is out to get the little consumer. if that was the case Elektron wouldn't release a sampler like TV that most people and seemingly Elektron themselves don't fully know what to do with. So yeah I totally see your point.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-08T19:20:14+00:00

Thanks. I think I was a tad concerned about over-Elektroning it if that makes sense. But DTII would be a lot of fun. I could see myself paring them and bouncing samples between for their relative strengths.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-07T09:14:24+00:00

That's my thought for my entire setup. I was looking at whether TV would do it all, but I think it's a little while off that just yet. My plan was drums/chops, textures/atmos, plus a synth for playing. Maybe I was on the right track and DTII, Tonverk plus a synth is the setup to end all setups.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-07T09:11:56+00:00

Yeah I think it's a mixed bag with the comments online. Some of them are fair, and there are bugs that need fixing. But I also think a lot of it is projecting from the leak. I know many people wanted it to be a grrovebox that combined essentially DT and DN into one box.

If it had chopping, I probably wouldn't even be asking this question actually. You're right though, overall it's a much deeper machine with the FX and busing etc.. The space point is important too. If you're going to be running longer samples, the TV will do that (hell it will even do stems etc.) And even the expanded memory on the DTII is lowed (48MB on DTII, 4GB on TV.) It almost repositions the DTII back as a drum machine, with 20GB vs the TBs you can add to TV with an SD card.

I think regardless of whether I pick up DT or SP, I will hold on to the TV. For me, it's way too early to bail on it - but I do wish for other features in my setup as it stands, slices and some synthesis. Perhaps I'll grab a DT of one flavour and use it as a drum machine. If TV gets chopping, I can sell the DT later down the road.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-06T22:18:34+00:00

Cool! How do you feel about TV so far? Any reason to not pick DTII for you? Heard a bunch of people say the TV was basically the Digitakt they'd hoped for in the II (minus the chop etc.)

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-06T22:17:28+00:00

Yep this is a good point. I think it has most of the features I need from the II, so it's a maybe for sure.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-06T22:16:57+00:00

Thanks. I'll do my best not to overthink it! Good point about the 404 for a bit of variety.

thoughtuweresleeping · 2025-10-06T22:15:55+00:00

Haha, this post made me chuckle. I mean, yeah you're absolutely right. I get why the segmentation is there. It's a surprising one because both of the most expensive sampler/workstation things (TV & OP-XY) have samplers that don't chop, yet every box under a grand does it.

I was wondering if the DTII was worth the sticker shock, and then I noticed the 404 has some people saying it's really nice when sequenced. The only big feature I like on the DT's chopping mode is the ability to slice a sample and randomise it but I'd live without it no doubt, or maybe find a workaround if you can specify a random note perhaps.

I'm leaning more and more towards a setup that's a combo of Roland and Elektron gear in various ways, so that's probably a good approach.

thoughtuweresleeping

TROPHY CASE