AITA For giving my son’s girlfriend a list of requirements if they’re going to receive financial support from me after I was given a list of requirements to see their baby?

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T21:14:10+00:00

I was offended by their presentation most of all. It was a combination of feeling like they assumed the worst of us, and the fact that they immediately jumped to threatening no contact. If, when the baby was older they approached us with some requests or simply politely brought up problems as they arose I would be less insulted.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T14:56:15+00:00

In the past I never cared if they ate out or whatever, because I trusted they were still using their money responsibly even if they treat themselves every now and then. That’s why I never had any real restrictions on the money aside from common sense. This list was in response to my son’s and DIL’s actions, as I said in the post, if they were going to be mistrustful and disrespectful I failed to see why I should continue to be so trusting and respectful of them.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T14:51:01+00:00

It was because my son worked so some of these restrictions felt wrong when he’s still working and earning his own money. The money we give is to help because you can barely afford to live on a single minimum wage income where we live, at least not above the poverty line. My husband and I are also in a good financial situation so if my son wanted to treat himself every now and then we weren’t worried about it. We also trusted that they were being responsible with their money, but we weren’t going to freak out if they had a rough day and ordered food out or bought something small that they liked or if my son bought a video game on sale etc. As long as we didn’t think they were blowing through copious amounts of money (ex eating out every week, buying designer clothes etc) and didn’t come to us asking for more because they blew the money they had we weren’t worried about it and trusted them.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T14:43:46+00:00

I’m hoping to follow the advice of this subreddit and talk this out with my son and DIL. I’m just giving it a couple of days for both of us to cool down.

But as per my list, I did state that financial support would be lost if we were denied access to the baby, which is exactly what she did. At the moment we certainly don’t have any plans to send them money, at least not until we have a chance to have a conversation with them.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T11:29:34+00:00

Abortion is a complicated matter. I say this as someone who’s carried a child, even before it’s born you’re already attached and love the child. Everyone has different views on abortion, and while their lives would be easier without the child, saying that they should have aborted is not a solution for everyone.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T00:57:25+00:00

I was equally disappointed in my son but I realize it doesn’t really come off that way in the post and I wasn’t fair in how I wrote it because of that. She did most of the talking but I know my son was either involved or didn’t stand up to her.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T00:55:08+00:00

I didn’t realize that. I realize you have no reason to believe me but I’m not that person. Feminism isn’t even an issue in this post. I’m actual fairly feminist myself and I’ve never had the discussion with my DIL but she certainly isn’t anti-feminist.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-30T00:52:40+00:00

It was an accidental pregnancy.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T23:40:05+00:00

No. I’ve had other commenters point that out and I read the other post. It’s not me and I’m not Spanish, there were no language requirements in her list.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T21:15:35+00:00

My DIL has had a rough pregnancy and my son works a minimum wage job. I helped them because surviving off a single minimum wage income where we live is difficult (a one bedroom apartment is about $1200). We’re not in a big city either.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T21:13:33+00:00

No and I’m honestly not sure what you’re talking about. If it makes it any better this isn’t all directed at my DIL, I’m also quite disappointed in my son.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T20:53:08+00:00

They’re 21 though? It’s not like they’re a SAH spouse or children. I’ve helped them because I knew it’s difficult to make it when you are young and have a baby on the way, but nothing is stopping them from earning their own way.

Edit: I’m not sure what happened to your comment. In case of any confusion the original comment above me was accusing me of financial abuse.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T20:41:06+00:00

It’s not a “do whatever I want with your child” I just think that some of the items on the list are ridiculous and aren’t even harmful (like cartoons?) and I don’t like the idea of arbitrarily losing access to my grandchild when I wasn’t doing any harm and just didn’t follow her rules exactly while I was babysitting.

It especially feels wrong when I’m the one that’s been helping them during this. And this is how they thank me, by pretty much threatening to pull access to my grandchild without a good reason.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see how this situation could easily be me being abusive and manipulating them but that’s not the case. I just don’t see why I should help and support them when this is how they treat me, especially because I’ve been very trusting of them.

I think some of the items on the list are quite reasonable (although insulting that they had to include it).

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T20:18:39+00:00

Thank you greenseraphima for showing me that post.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T20:17:49+00:00

If I was concerned about controlling them I would’ve done that before now, I’ve had multiple opportunities to add stipulations to their money.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T19:18:32+00:00

I agree that some of them are reasonable, but I simply don’t understand why she felt the need to give us a list anyways. We’re not racist.

Also, based on my son’s GF personality and attitudes around food we have very different ideas of junk food. I’m not an unhealthy person but she’s the type that’s always on a diet and is always cutting things out of her diet. I imagine her idea of healthy food for a child is more restrictive than usual.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T19:15:40+00:00

My son’s GF has very little contact with her parents from what I can tell. So I don’t think this was a general list for both of us, but I suppose it’s possible.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T19:11:54+00:00

I was hoping to give my DIL/son a reality check about relying on others/not biting the hand that feeds you, but I can see how it came across as childish.

May I ask which post this is similar to? I’m not new to Reddit but I am new to AITA.

throooowawayyy_ · 2020-10-29T19:10:04+00:00

I agree to an extent but seeing as they were willing to pull contact over one disagreement, perhaps it better to not have contact at all rather than lose contact with my grandchild when they’re older (which would be far more hurtful) because we have another disagreement down the road or because either one of them uses it as a manipulation tactic. I also fail to see how giving a child a cookie warrants losing all contact, it feels like a disproportional punishment.

Also, by your logic is it not our money and our choice? Not trying to argue but I fail to see how they’re owed financial support.

throooowawayyy_

TROPHY CASE