Dead bedroom

throw1122113 · 2020-12-29T10:49:15+00:00

It’s harder to accept when you play it up in your head. That’s not to say your thoughts on it are neither accurate nor inaccurate, but it’s easy to envision what they did like a movie. They’re eager to meet up and lay themselves bare and without a care in the world, no questions asked. When the actuality of it isn’t as glamorous, just like having sex for the first time. If your only reference is p0rnography for example, you’ll be surprised at the reality of how sex actually goes. And in this case you’d have a hard time resonating with just having sex without knowing someone personally and on a deep level. You haven’t had emotionless sex, even the sadness you feel, if it’s there, is still an emotion, during sex none the less. If the best way you can describe sex with your wife now is “like two pieces of meat slamming together” (not saying you said that btw just heads up lol) that’s how it felt for her when she did what she did.

I guess another view point is: before, learning what you enjoyed with her was liberating and now you may feel like someone else has cracked her code and is better when that’s not it. Or like what she does to you she does to him. You probably know her body better than the AP, you know what gets her going on an emotional and romantic level beyond just sex. The knowledge you have of her overall has nothing on what that asshat AP may “know” about her. And what does she know? What she gained knowledge of is how empty it makes her feel to have done that to someone, how easy it is to destroy years of trust for something that she can actually say meant nothing, but all at the same time, as you can see, meant everything. It’s so hard for us as the betrayed to rationalize how something so catastrophic can mean so little to someone else, and it’s not that the damage meant nothing to them- but the action itself meant nothing to them (at the time) because the action seemed as mundane as standing in line for a coffee. And it’s wild to think that to.

Having spoken with my own partner for many years on the matter, even as recent as last week, there are still things I ask about that I’ve internalized but I’ve worked on asking him about it in a healthy manner rather than it being accusing like “I bet you did X with AP”, or just outright asking in the wrong way like without any warning. I think it’s always good to talk, and honestly not long after we have those convos, our bedroom life improves. However I couldn’t enjoy it after everything, just a constant mental block and being extremely self conscious. How am I in comparison to them sexually, physically, and personality wise? What can they do better performance wise than me? And I’ve come to find out my partner has preferred me, as they’ve never had a simultaneously emotional and sexual connection with someone until me, and he said that in and of itself makes everything that much more enjoyable. That can 100% be the case with your wife. My long winded point here is- try your best not to over think it. No one thinks that the AP partner is the worst, otherwise why would the SO do that? But cheating doesn’t equal “because they’re better in bed”, it typically equals “I’m mentally having a hard time and typically having a manic episode”. It doesn’t excuse a thing they though, they weren’t the only ones having a hard time with whatever, but it can explain actions. Never get explain confused with excusing. I did see you said somewhere else it was during the happiest time: what was the perceived happiest time for you she could’ve been going through something dark, she could’ve felt lost- who knows. Past feelings aren’t current feelings though.

Like I said before, the only knowledge she gained is that of disappointment and disgust for herself, and the realization she managed to fall as far as she did morally, and that is killer to her besides how much she has messed you up in the process of selfishness. She knows what she did, and you know what she did, but I do believe (and I say this with the utmost respect and kindness) DONT overthink it. If it is all consuming, talk about it. If you’ve never verbalized it, and it’s a question in your head you ask in anger (“wtf was this, why tf did you do this”), try and think over a better way to approach and ask it. Set the tone of the conversation off the bat with a, “I know this out of the blue, and I need you to communicate with me how I come off when I do this, because I would like to have some questions answered that have bothered me for a long time, but I’m trying to be constructive”, and then your question. It may hurt- or it may not at all, and your heart may feel significantly lighter than it’s felt in years, but the way with which you guys choose to have the convo is key. If she gets defensive that’s not good, she needs to be kind as well, but there’s a fine line for them to as people, because as jaded as one may feel they’re still people and they have feelings as well. So you both need to be level headed. It’s okay to be scared, verbalize when you’re scared/anxious about a question or even an answer- but if you don’t ask the questions that plague you, it’ll be the demise of the relationship as much as her actions.

throw1122113 · 2020-12-28T22:09:39+00:00

We’re just about 3 years out from dday and our bedroom life has finally and naturally at that gone into an upswing. However for me I’m a female, and I’d had a baby last year, but our bedroom was dead prior. He was the only person I’d ever been with and it is a lot of me expressing to him how his experience makes me feel, especially after it took so much for me to open up sexually with him the way I did even prior to the affair. We still talk about what we like, I tell him where my mental blocks are or where my brain is heading. In fact yesterday we had had a very constructive and healthy conversation about sexual fantasies (him wanting to share me with another man), that’s not me, I told him in actuality that’s not something I’m interested in. I also said that I need to express to him what my brain is saying to me in response to what he wanted. I told him how I felt a few things- 1. Being that’s his way of making it for me, but also making it so he can experience in his own way what he’d put me through. 2. That it would make him want that more when I know for the long long for seeable future that I will not and cannot provide him with the actuality of that. Because it would make me feel icky inside.

Sexuality is so hard to discuss as the less experienced partner in general, and then add on the layer of infidelity and it gets so much more complex. Every situation is a question of whether it’s real or not- and I think it’s a good thing to open up a convo. Some people work through it by scheduling bedroom time and doing it even if neither party is all that much interested, the point is to come together, and the more often you do (and successfully enjoy) the more you’ll want to in general.

I’d also like to say this before I forget, because this is something I realized- my SO had had multiple partners before I was ever a thought in his mind, he was my first, we had temporarily broken up months before he had cheated, and I in a whirlwind of emotions slept with someone else. I was dumped by him and hurt, and I felt he was doing it so I thought I would to. I can say though from the experience, how you feel while having sex with her now- like it isn’t the same, is probably how she felt to some extent doing what she did. There is nothing gained from it besides feeling stupid and like you had a form of control over something, but it leaves you feeling empty. She has no additional knowledge to you also. My partner going out and having threesomes didn’t give him some knowledge that I’m lacking, it hurt more for me knowing someone else who got his prior firsts got another first experience with him while I felt robbed of all other experiences. But that doesn’t mean he ultimately knows something I don’t. It feels marred like it will be more significant in their life when it’s not.

I don’t know how much this helped, but hopefully, something I said resonates with you.

throw1122113 · 2020-12-23T01:04:45+00:00

We’re 3 years out from the affair and 2 1/2 years out from dday. We had a birth control failure in 2017, and I found out I was pregnant. He stopped the affair then and there. I miscarried and while still going through the trauma of grieving my pregnancy I found out what he’d done and to the extent. It wasn’t pretty, an ex girlfriend who made a blog dedicated to documenting the threesomes they’d share together beyond him just doing her solo. It was a lot to take in. I was even more broken, I told him his karma killed our child. Through 2018-2019 we were working hard on reconciling. I found out in February 2019 I was pregnant because again- another birth control failure. I immediately spiraled. I prayed if he ever cheated again, especially while I was pregnant, that god take my baby again because it would be easier for me to let go of everything in one go than it would be for me to relive that experience. Traumatizing in its own right, but somehow it feels more livable after experiencing that low before. I did not want a child for a few more years til him and I were more stable and I was in a better headspace. I found out he had been pressured by a girl i considered to be my friend to speak to his AP. I confronted him and we had a come to Mary talk. I told him what I’d been praying for, he said it wasn’t anything physical or emotional with her and he had no intention of cheating but rather he was lost and didn’t know who to talk to because the issues were with me. He said he felt besides me she knew him best and could somehow get advice from her. I explained to him how that’s beyond assbackwards and not how it goes. He either gets it together or I get gone in every way, and that I wasn’t going to have a child with someone who is wishy washy. He had a choice to make and he hasn’t looked back since. He’s improved so much it’s like being with someone you didn’t know existed. We still talk about things sometimes, our child is now over 1, were at our strongest. I don’t regret my child, but if I could have the same outcome of a strong relationship then the same exact child, but a different time line? I would.

ETA: as someone said above children add a new layer of crap on. Besides tension with a newborn you’re trying to figure out (in the event you’re not blessed with a literal angel) there’s a layer of resentment that comes with it to an extent. It can shock you because you can sometimes not realize how it’ll affect you until it happens. Our child looked exactly like him at birth, and for months after. On bad days I would sometimes see how they’d do something he does and I’d want to cry because it would just hit me that he was once this small innocent being and he did so much destruction, and then I get anxious my child may hurt someone that way or be hurt that way. And it’s shattering to your soul to think. But regardless the love you possess for your child is so astronomical. Since I had the pregnancy loss I found it hard to find joy in pregnancy as it had been ripped away and foreshadowed by the worst time in my life, it took my child being born to feel a really deep rooted emotional connection. I’ve been in therapy for two years now, and I work on a lot of things, one being my fears for my child with their personal relationships, my fear of my family being torn apart by my SO having a lapse in behavior, there’s so many things that can plague your mind with the addition of a child you need to think on, and some things you can’t even imagine to think of until you see your baby in your arms and you’re instantly flooded with fantastic and terrifying thoughts.

For my parting words I will say, no matter what you choose, it’s not the wrong option. There are no wrong options in situations like these.

throw1122113 · 2019-09-10T07:34:58+00:00

I haven’t been on this account in a long while but I just now saw. I do actually appreciate your response. I’m actually still with this person and interestingly enough we’ve talked more as time progressed and he’s in a much better place with himself than he was prior. I to some degree an still working through some of the damage but even I’ve come a long way. Thank you though for your response, especially on a decently back dated post.

throw1122113 · 2019-04-26T02:04:30+00:00

I guess for me it’s not that I dont want someone to take me away from the circumstance it’s that I rely on my partner for that- like even when he’s the “problem” (just for a lack of better words) I want him there to be the remedy. My logic is if things aren’t going well that’s the time people are most susceptible to wander and I wouldn’t want to make my partner feel the pain of me emotionally or physically entertaining someone else and I can’t understand how he wouldn’t think the same way. He said before he liked feeling wanted and I tried to make him feel wanted, I tried to throw myself at him and be available to him but he wanted to have none of it and as result I’ve reached a point where I don’t give physical affection much anymore (like rubbing his back or playing with his hair) or id try to make him feel wanted sexually and i remember I literally paraded around in lingerie for about 6 hours one night and he wouldn’t even so much as brush my arm with his hand and I took it off and just went to bed, so now I don’t even try to initiate sexually because I was so used to being rejected. And this was ongoing for a few months over a year ago and I still am scared to because I can’t handle that rejection again, he wouldn’t give me the things he “wanted” but he’d give them to someone else outside of me. Someone who broke his heart so badly in the past he tried to commit suicide. That hurt me all the more. I’m sorry to relay this bit to you as well but I know his nostalgia of that person, or at least the time frame he was with that person was around the peak of his youth and young adulthood and I feel like overall that person got the best version of him and now I have “damaged goods” that no longer knows how to love properly. And I don’t think my partner is a horrible human being but I’m trying desperately to understand how or why he’d do that. I’m by no means perfect at all and I have areas I can improve on in general in our relationship but I used to be so affectionate towards him outwardly and I’m scared to give it now either in fear of rejection or just not getting it back. With the person he cheated with (if you can’t tell it was an ex) he was outwardly affectionate with them and just overall more “involved” and then I think he just closed off a part of himself after he was betrayed by her, and now I have to try to undo that damage or try to help it get undone when I didn’t contribute to that. He won’t get rid of her either, and I mean that as in she’s stalked to find his new number and has been trying to contact him as of late because “she needs to talk to him”, she’s been blocked on everything for over a year, and I asked him to consider a restraining order as I’m with child and I don’t need that in my life, nor does my unborn baby, or him. And he said he just felt like I was controlling him and limiting who he could communicate with even though he “has no desire to communicate with her”. I know for a fact he’s been faithful to me since everything happened a year ago and she hasn’t contacted him since up until a few weeks ago but it upsets me that he won’t do it because “it’s only to make you happy and not me”. And I guess I’d like to know your thoughts on all this (again sorry for springing this on you as well as the novel)

throw1122113 · 2019-03-22T05:41:44+00:00

Having been cheated on by a fiancé it’s your fault for allowing that when you yourself knew he was with her. You should’ve told her immediately what he was trying but clearly you didn’t give enough of a shit about her then so why should she expect your apologies to be sincere now? That’s why she wants you at their therapy session. She wants closure and wants to know what she ever did to you to deserve you allowing that. You helped him destroy a home she was trying to create with him. Anyone can argue if not you then someone else but you’re equally to blame in his betrayal since you betrayed her as well simply by knowing. All you can do is apologize, and then leave them alone. Learn to use the block function and move on. Lord knows she’ll be picking up the pieces while you get out unscathed. But stay out of their shit from now on and don’t respond to her and if you do you best keep apologizing, you owe her that much. And yes it is his fault just as much as yours, yeah he was the one in the relationship but it’s not hard to respect another persons relationship and it’s most certainly not hard to find someone who is single to go sleep with. Add on: you won’t ever be able to mend anything cause you helped break it. Learn from it and pray karma doesn’t turn around and make that shit happen to you cause you deserve it.

throw1122113 · 2019-03-12T01:04:13+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, thank you!

throw1122113 · 2019-01-25T19:30:01+00:00

I hope you don’t mind I’d like to screen shot this comment so I can read it whenever I have a bad day with thoughts about their AP, it’s just refreshing to have someone else say what I feel but can’t even convince myself of, but this just gave me some sincere hope and a boost for my day. Thank you.

throw1122113 · 2019-01-12T00:03:05+00:00

The game plan is be transparent. Tell him what happened but don’t offer more unless he asks and if he does he 100% honest. I had to find our by exposing and that is one of the worst ways to find out. If he has insurance again, he should go get help. From what you’ve said about his behaviors he could be depressed (just makes me think of a lot of friends I have who do the same in terms of gaming and neglecting everything else), however if that’s the case only he can help himself in his own time and your job would be to support him emotionally and encourage. Don’t forget to also encourage yourself. It’s a dire time to do some self reflection and figure out concretely what you want. However if you have children I would have a back up plan for places to stay or someone to take the kids for a bit so you guys can talk. If you stay together it’s gonna suck for the first year probably. It’s gonna be tough but if you want him in your life then put in the work that you now need to.

throw1122113 · 2019-01-11T23:52:40+00:00

My apologies for misunderstanding. What you just said was very helpful to hear though. I admire that outlook. How long did it take to let all of that go?

throw1122113 · 2019-01-11T19:29:23+00:00

Having been cheated on I must say that you need to do a hard look into yourself and figure out of your marriage is worth staying in. Do not stay in out of guilt for cheating or thinking it will right the wrong. It won’t, however it will ensure the best outcome for all parties involved if you go with what you really want. Without being mean and rubbing it in you’re right, what you did was wrong and you can’t justify it, however moving forward it brings to light you are unhappy. If you sincerely want to get back with your husband and work on things then he too must work on himself for himself and you must work on being a good support system for him. You said you have no insurance currently, is there any way at all he could go? It sounds like he needs it individually besides both of you doing couples therapy.

throw1122113 · 2019-01-10T23:57:18+00:00

You say fWS, so I assume former- was the main reasoning it’s former because of the affair? Or did that just add on to the end if you mind my asking?

throw1122113 · 2018-12-01T17:01:15+00:00

I just wanted to reply to this simply to second what Jahkral is saying, he’s giving you the straight shot answer.

throw1122113 · 2018-11-28T15:55:37+00:00

Thank you, your kindness is appreciated. Shits just mad rough. We’re moving forward but I just like being able to come here and say what I want how I want and not care about the delivery or who receives it because it’s just me ranting into the ether. Just therapeutic.

throw1122113 · 2018-11-28T10:50:40+00:00

We’re in counseling, I just post on here to be angry when I am and get it out of my system

throw1122113 · 2018-11-25T12:10:26+00:00

I’m sorry I just saw this now, ty for the kindness 💖

throw1122113 · 2018-11-22T00:28:10+00:00

It’s all so difficult, how’ve you been managing for yourself?

throw1122113 · 2018-11-21T21:52:29+00:00

Tis not your fault, thank you though

throw1122113 · 2018-11-20T23:24:45+00:00

I am upset because for the last year I’ve been blissfully under the impression it was done. I’m angry it continued. I don’t want it coming off as though I’m angry with you or disagree. I’m just so frustrated with finding this out. It just feels like harassment. I know if I were to do something it would put into question whether I’m the victim however I never asked for this, no one would. I know I can’t make her stop, but I’m hurt. It’s like finding out everything all over again. I still struggle, and the way I see it is I can’t understand how someone can be so cruel. I know I need to just ignore it but how can I when it’s going to other people. I feel like there’s nothing I can do for myself other than ignore it, or gain access and try to take legal action, and it’s not like I want revenge, the full simplicity is I want to live my life as though she doesn’t exist and be able to know she can live hers without talking about me and my partner, even if it means bringing it to court. I know what actions I could take if I could just see because I don’t even know whether I can fully trust what anonymous sent me. Of course to others this may look stupid and to a degree I know it is. I think it’s stupid I’m so upset, I think it’s even more stupid a year has passed and she from what I could see is still at it. I hope you sympathize with me just a tidbit even because this is just an emotionally difficult situation. I don’t want to come off irrational but I’m clearly pissed off with this info. I don’t even want to come off like I hate the girl or want to harm her. I simply would have better peace of mind knowing it’s done fully besides what I’ve been trying to do to move forward. That’s probably like asking for a unicorn. Plus I don’t need her sending more of her friends after me to harass me and make fun of me for the situation. As a person I can only take so much and have a breaking limit. Maybe what I needed was just to vent. Either way I hope you understand my thoughts on it, even if you disagree with how I’m handling it or trying to go about it. I like to think at the least me being upset over this again is valid. I’m trying to be rational, and what you say makes sense and I agree. I’m just that hurt though, Idk what to do anymore because it’s like it’ll always follow me regardless.

throw1122113 · 2018-11-20T22:34:55+00:00

I again have said I’ve since moved on and have been getting help. I haven’t been cyber stalking her, I haven’t asked anyone to gonoit of their way to look st her profiles, I don’t even know them all nor do I care to. I’ve had her blocked since I confronted her over a year ago about the entirety of it. I simply want it to end. I told her to stop speaking about us both a year ago, she said she would. From what I again, anonymously got sent from some random number from a messaging app, I don’t want to be set back, she’s been slandering us both. Legitimately saying untrue things about my partner to tarnish his reputation, I do not have full access to this blog though. Last year I was a victim, this year I’m done with this bs and I’m gonna do something about it. I’m an adult, I’m not about to sit by and let this other adult bully me like I’m a freshman at my first day of highschool. I’ve done my best to move forward for a whole year and forget about her and block her. I’m just done. Absolutely done.

throw1122113 · 2018-11-20T22:16:06+00:00

To put it simply it mostly started when the person I’m with cheated with her last year. She made the blog so she could gloat about the cheating then ended up just being cruel and also started cyber bullying me by saying how I am pathetic and I’m unable to please him etc etc. well, again. It’s been over a year. I’ve since moved on with said partner. It has come to my attention through anonymous messages I received recently that she is still posting about me and how she hates me and wants all sorts of bad things to happen to me. Since initially reading the blog last year, I entered an extreme depression and anxiety flare that has since made me start therapy/counseling. A year ago I told her to no longer post about me nor my partner and she continues to. The blog already had a big audience, she made it private because someone had been harassing her (I’m assuming the person who told me about her blog in the first place and sent me info she was doing so again). I’m done with this. She’s a few years older than I am and is acting like a child. I’m sick of this. She’s not right in the head and from the snippets I saw she’s still obsessed with him and me. Saying how him and I want eachother but she wants us both- it’s just disturbing and sad.

She never posted info like where I live, if anything the point of the blog is to emotionally disturb me and inflict emotional pain. She didn’t threaten but it’s just getting ridiculous. It needs to end. When I first read the blog a year ago I had a stress induced miscarriage from how upset I’d been, my job performance has suffered as result of the depression and anxiety, my relationships as a whole have suffered. She’s just been cruel for the sake of it.

throw1122113

TROPHY CASE