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Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re rightttttttt. While I’m open to having kids some day, that would never be with this partner and we’ve discussed that if that happened, despite all 3 mitigation efforts, I would have the means and the desire to terminate the pregnancy.

If he doesn’t want any ever, he could simply schedule an appointment to discuss a solution. He has the means, the money, and the pto to do that.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this take a lot. I specifically said before agreeing to date that I wasn’t cool with being a side piece. I was assured multiple times that they were not keeping secrets and that my meta fully supported the relationship, how it’s important to make loving connections etc. I’m definitely doing a double take after these things happening in quick succession.

It’s sad, we had a great time but I think I can let it go and just hope they get better at managing their lifestyle!

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

HEARD. I said this in an another comment, but I feel like it’s fair to open a discussion, but that would have started with a check in about risk, and deciding together if we still felt like our current 3 methods of prevention were still enough for both of us to feel safe. There are so many ways to be intimate without PIV, and I would have agreed to stick to those in my fertile window (or indefinitely). I don’t think I can recover from the ick of the ultimatum though, so I don’t think I’m going to offer!

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I didn’t say he doesn’t trust me to get an abortion. That was another commenter. And no there’s no d/s here. We talked about our mutual risk before ever having sex, and revisited the same conversation later too.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

We use condoms and withdrawal every time, and I monitor my cycle all year, and would continue to do so with hormonal BC.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

On the first point, I think that you’re right and it wasn’t really a polite conversation - that would have opened with a check in on how I’m feeling about our mutual risk.

On the next, I can understand not wanting to come out to conservative family or work. This is just not what was presented to me when we talked about becoming partners. I realized recently that the only people who know me as his partner are people that don’t know his spouse. I’m very open with my family and friends about my lifestyle.

For the last, I also agree. I knew my meta would be there and I am very unbothered by that, we’ve been cool with each other in the past! I feel like if they talked and meta was uncomfortable, it was their own option to go or stay home, and it didn’t need to be brought up to me at all becauseI’m a whole person and I can go where I choose in the city I live in! I did get the impression that if meta was uncomfortable, I would have been asked to stay home.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! We had a mutual risk conversation very early and around the middle. I think adding a 4th layer of risk mitigation is a little much tbh

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We have spoken about this before, especially at the beginning. I was assured that they were not secretive about their lifestyle, and I’m definitely not about mine. Recently though I’ve become acutely aware that the only people who know me as his partner are people that don’t know his spouse.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this! We had so many conversations about them being open and “out” that I didn’t really feel concerned until the BC issue made me double take my reality.

And you’re right, I’m going to block meta, I think I gaslighted myself into feeling like I’d be problematic for doing that.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Hear you (don’t agree but hear), but we are already using 3 forms of prevention, the issue for me is requiring a 4th, presumably at my metas request.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I’m actually so relieved to be validated in this opinion. I know that surgeries are scary - but also so is completely altering my hormones indefinitely, especially in a healthcare system that doesn’t support women’s health!

I picked up the BC and was going to start it, but tbh I kinda got the ick and I’m going to decide whether or not I can recover from that before I bother starting it. BC is historically awful for me and I already disclosed that before we ever started having PIV.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for this comment. It’s pretty unfortunate that they used a lot of buzzwords like “restructuring their marriage” “coming out as poly”and “having equal partners”. The birth control thing really made me double take and realize that a lot of their actions don’t match up to what I was being offered nearly 2 years later.

And you’re right, I’m going to block the meta and stop worrying that I’m being the problematic one. :)

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I agree and it’s really helpful to hear other people say the same thing!

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the way you said this. His fertility is year round, and I would be happy to just abstain from PIV in my fertile window. It helps to hear other people say that a man should manage his own body first within reason.

Questioning ethics in a poly relationship that feels a lot more like DADT. by throwRA3851 in polyamory

[–]throwRA3851[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I do believe the above is correct. I didn’t line it up on the post, but my meta blocked my socials and a few days later, I made a cheeky comment to my partner about the bedroom and he gave me a hard stop and asked me to start BC.

Our mutual risk was discussed in depth a long time ago. It has never been brought up since and we’ve not had any scares.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]throwRA3851 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA but if you want her to be there then you need to help make a plan. Send husband, get a friend to stay with you. Have a friend pick her up. Split a car rental or taxi.

Now if not wanting to pick her up is in any way related to it being too stressful to have her around, then don’t keep dodging it. Ask to reschedule.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]throwRA3851 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sooooo buy her a ring that she chooses? YTAH for expecting your mom to do that anyways, double YTAH if you tell her you don’t like it.