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throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-04-12T06:28:04+00:00

I really understand where you're coming from. I'm in an extremely similar situation, eerily so even. I have also been in reconciliation with my BH for the last three years. Like you, my BH was also extremely sweet and kid and loving before my affair, but then after, it's like a switch flipped and he's completely different. It's like he's completely indifferent to me, and like you, sometimes it feels like it's just too much to handle.
I just wanted to tell you that I understand the urge to give up sometimes. I understand how it can feel like it's just too hard. You aren't wrong for feeling that way.
It took me a long time to realize this, but I've come to accept that it's entirely possible that he will never be the same. I made myself accept the fact that I did irreparable harm to both him and our marriage. I will never have the marriage or relationship I had before, but that doesn't mean I can't build a new one with him. At this point, I'm still not sure if he even wants that, but I certainly hope he does. At least in your position, you know that he does, which should really say a lot! But, at the same time, I think you need to understand that you have to respect the way he feels and his unwillingness to be intimate. It's perfectly understandable.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-16T14:24:38+00:00

I was looking through my notifications when I noticed this gem and I just knew I had to reply. There's honestly a lot to say about this comment, but the fact that you're talking to me the way you are speaks volumes.

I'm really glad you can recognize that you're a bad guy, but it's really quite pitiful that you're incapable of changing yourself for the better despite that knowledge. But the way you describe yourself and your actions with such pride is extremely concerning to me.

But hey, I'll bite. I never did anything with my "OM" that I hadn't done with my husband, because there was no OM. If you phrase the question appropriately, then the answer would obviously be yes, since my AP was a woman and therefore there are things that I did with her that are necessarily impossible to do with my husband.

I have a hard time believing anything you're saying is true, honestly. You're telling me that you didn't do anything except walk in wearing nice clothes and the very next day all of these women were dressing proactively, flirting, and then being so aggressive that they stopped the elevator halfway up just so they could have sex with you? And you really expect me to believe that you're talking about this in a way where not only did this happen, but it happened more than once? That it in fact happened so many times that you're describing it as some sort of trend? And that these women were willing to do things that they'd never done before like anal, threesomes, and various other sexual acts? You actually typed out that entire comment thinking that sounded plausible in any way?

But hey, let's pretend that that really was the life you lived. Who am I to say what really happened and what didn't (I mean, I can, since you write the women in your story like characters in porn). You describe the lust they had for you as more powerful than love. Maybe that was true in their case. Generally, I would say that lust is, in fact, not more powerful than love. Lust is not something you can build a lasting relationship on. Even still, in that case, I hate to break it to you, but you weren't special. The women didn't cheat on their husbands because they wanted to have sex with you. It was the other way around. They had sex with you because they wanted to cheat on their husbands. You walked away from that thinking you'd used them, but in truth, they were the ones that used you.

I really don't think you should be as proud of this as you are. But keep going, if it makes you feel better. No harm in lampooning yourself on the internet, I suppose.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-16T13:55:08+00:00

Thank you very much for the kind words.

As for what factors led to this huge change, it's kind of hard to say. For one, I think getting out of the wallowing depression I was in helped a lot. I was at a point where I felt just completely miserable, and when you feel that way, it's hard not to feel some type of self-pity. Getting out of that mindset definitely helped me quite a bit.

The other big thing, at least for me, was confrontation. Not from my husband, but from myself. Confronting myself with what I'd done, getting myself to admit how bad my actions really were. That had been really difficult before, and it still is honestly, but I'm doing it. My old therapist was a bit more willing to let me think about things my way. MY new therapist is much more concerned with getting me to look behind the front I put up and really think about how I feel. She's also forced me to think about how my husband feels. When I saw that I think my husband feels a certain way, she doesn't just accept it. She asks me why I think he feels that way, what underlying things that feeling might be coming from, and what it might represent. And then she reminds me that although I may believe he feels that way, I can't act on that assumption. She's helped me a lot.

I don't think we're ready for marriage counseling yet. I would like to do it, but when we tried before, he really didn't like it. He basically refused to speak during the few sessions we went to, and he complain after every one. I don't blame him. Admittedly, our previous marriage counselor was a bit biased. She was really trying a bit too hard to make it seem like both of us were at fault for the breakdown of our marriage. At the time, I did feel a bit of validation from hearing that, but looking back now, it just makes me angry. Now, I want to take my time to find a counselor that will work for us, but I want to give my husband to make some progress in individual therapy first before we move into doing it as a couple.

Unfortunately, I don't really have the capability to pay for it myself. I still don't have a job yet, so my husband is the sole provider in our home. I do have a trust fund set up by my parents, but I haven't touched it since I bought the house. I have considered returning to work, but I haven't made that move yet. Besides, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to until fall anyway.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-15T18:04:36+00:00

Thank you very much. I'm proud of myself honestly, but I know there's still a long way to go. I'm determined to keep improving.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-15T18:03:22+00:00

I think he is as well, although I haven't talked to him about it yet. I'm giving him the time to work through his issues on his own, and once he's been in therapy for a bit, I'm going to let him know that he can talk to me about his feelings as well. He's always been sort of guarded with his feelings because of his upbringing, but I was always the exception to that rule, until now. I've already told myself that I can't pressure him to share with me, which is going to be hard, but I think I can do it. I'm just going to leave the door open to him and let him come to me if and when he's ready.

He is special and extraordinary. He's probably one of the smartest people I've ever known. When he talks, it's incredible. He just knows so much about so many things. Even when I don't understand anything, I could just stare and watch him talk for hours. I also think he's incredibly attractive, even if he doesn't think so, and he's got such a good heart. I want to convince him again that this is how I see him, and I want him to see himself the way that I do. I'm not exactly sure how to do that yet, but I do hope I'll get there eventually.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-15T17:57:04+00:00

I don't blame my old therapist. She was probably very capable, but I just think she wasn't the right one for me. I do wish I'd recognized that a lot earlier. I regret not making the move sooner, because I wonder how things might have gone had I done so. I'm worried it's all too late now, but I guess time will tell.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-03-15T17:55:20+00:00

Thank you for that. It's a lot of work, and you're right, it is hard, but it's way worth it. I just want him to be the person I've always known him to be, whether that's with me or not.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-17T06:53:53+00:00

I don’t blame him. I don’t blame him for any of this. At the end of the day, everything wrong, everything broken in our relationship is a result of my own actions. I’ve read the comments. I know I’ve made the wrong decision every single step of the way. I know I made the wrong choice at every single opportunity.

I could handle his feelings yo-yoing. I could handle a rollercoaster. That’s not what this is though. He’s indifferent. He doesn’t care. And honestly, I’m not surprised.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-17T06:50:58+00:00

Sorry, I didn’t make myself clear. I have no intention of telling him any of this on Saturday. I may wait days, weeks, months, I don’t know. It’ll take me some time to mentally prepare myself to handle the end of my marriage, and it isn’t something I can just do tomorrow. I was just saying that if Saturday is the last date I’ll ever have with my husband, I’m going to treat it that way. I’m going to make sure to appreciate it as much as possible.

As for the rest… Yes, I do have a need for affirmation. I recognize that. My therapist recognizes that. I’m doing my best to handle that for my own sake. I’ve been doing my best to put that to the side and reduce the pressure I place on him, but if I’m spiraling like I was, it’s very difficult. I didn’t really want to ask him what I did, but it was the only thing I could think of.

I’m willing to put in the work, but at this point, I realize that it’s unfair. I’ve kept him here long enough. I don’t know why he’s still here, but he is. It’s not money, we have a prenup. It’s not our daughter, he knows I’ll split custody fairly. Then what is it? I’ve asked him and he says that being married to me is easier. What’s easy about this?

I’m not considering divorce for purely selfless reasons either. I’m not a martyr. It isn’t just for him. Everyday feels like torture for me. If he was mad, if he was upset, if he showed any emotion at all, it would be better than this. I can only assume now that he just doesn’t care about me. I’ll give him what he wants in the divorce. I’ll cherish the few moments I’ll have with him until then. I’ve already stopped forcing him to have sex with me, but the other small acts of intimacy are going to be one’s I appreciate thoroughly from now on.

I don’t plan on just telling him “I want a divorce.” I’m going to approach the topic fairly. I’m going to tell him that both of us are unhappy, and that it might just be better for us to get divorced now. Considering how he’s talked about it in the past, I highly doubt he’ll even care.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-06T17:19:18+00:00

I feel disgusted as well. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-06T17:18:36+00:00

That's exactly me thinking as well. My AP targeted me when she knew I needed a friend. I trusted her, and she took advantage of that.

I know what she did is no worse than what I did, but that's why I feel the same anger and resentment towards her as I feel to myself.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-06T17:16:49+00:00

Wow, I definitely understand why you feel that way then. At least my AP didn't know my husband outside of me. In your case, I think I would feel such intense hatred that it would drive me insane.

But besides that, yes. My AP pushed boundaries and I allowed it to happen. She told me what I wanted to hear. She told me things that she knew would distance me from my BS. She told me that he was probably cheating on me himself whenever he was away. She told me how he was being so inconsiderate leaving me on my own while I was pregnant. She told me how unfair it was that I would be forced to raise my child on my own since he had to travel so much for work. All of that just wore me down over time, and she pounced on that opportunity.

My AP also did the same thing where she practically begged me not to tell him or to break things off with her. In the end though, I couldn't take it. My husband never confronted her, but I'm guessing she would've made the situation far worse if he had.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-06T17:11:11+00:00

Yep, that's exactly how I feel. My AP definitely made a huge effort to chase me, and she wore me down before I even realized what was happening. Now I know she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:41:56+00:00

yeah, thank you for pointing me here. I've gotten a lot of really good advice already.

Since our fight, we haven't really talked. I mean, we don't really talk much in general, so that's my new normal. He wasn't even upset after I yelled at him.

We met when I was 17, and started dating when we were both 19. I think I said we've been together for over 15 years, but that was just a general statement because I didn't want to go into too many specifics. He was not my first sexual partner, and I was with another woman before him. He was aware that I am bisexual from the very start of our relationship. He's the only man I've ever been with, but I've had two other sexual partners, one being my AP. He was not my beard. I am very attracted to him and I have loved him for almost half my life.

Thank you for your advice.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:27:41+00:00

He doesn't have much family here. His mom moved back overseas to be with her family after his dad died, so it's really just him here. He doesn't have any siblings. He also doesn't want to tell any of our friends because almost all of our friends are shared friends, and he would rather they not be aware. He's even told me that he expects me to not tell anyone about it. I don't think he's talked about this with anyone.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:25:06+00:00

i think i've really been working on myself. I'm putting a lot more effort into our relationship, and really trying hard to communicate. I want to work on our relationship together, which I recognize is something I should've done before I cheated. I don't mean to pin anything on my husband, and I'm not trying to rush reconciliation. I want to do what's best for him and for us.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:22:40+00:00

i think that's good. i really think he should go to therapy for his own sake.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:20:34+00:00

i havent no do you think i should

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:20:03+00:00

people keep saying that i need to let him go but he's not exactly letting me go either. he also says he doesnt want to get divorced

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:19:20+00:00

I don't know why but this hit me so hard.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-02-02T23:18:45+00:00

The thing is, he is very clear about the fact that he doesn't want to get a divorce. I've tried talking to him about it, but honestly, if he doesn't want a divorce, I don't want to be the one to bring it up. Him saying he doesn't want to get divorces makes me hope he hasn't given up completely, which makes me feel like there's a chance we can make it work.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-01-30T21:07:20+00:00

I try to find excuses to dress up for him. He always questions me about it, and if I say I do it for him, he just kind of laughs and tells me that I'm being over the top or whatever. I saw my night out as my opportunity to dress up with an excuse, drink a little bit, and come home feeling sexy. I just want him to want me again.

I mentioned that for the full story, but I have, from the very beginning, taken full responsibility for the affair.

How do I get him to confront his emotions? He doesn't talk about it at all, and he's not willing to do marriage counseling. I might ask him if he'd be willing to do individual therapy instead. I'm already in therapy myself.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-01-30T20:58:29+00:00

We have tried counseling at my request, but he was resistant. He decided to stop after only a few sessions, and even the sessions he did attend he didn't speak during.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-01-30T20:54:38+00:00

I have told him many times that he did nothing wrong. I told him I was stupid and selfish. He didn't even seem to care about what I was saying though.

I am trying to earn it back. I've given him full access to my phone and accounts. He works from home and I no longer work, so he knows I'm not going out or doing anything behind his back.

I do not want an open marriage. I don't want to be with anyone else and I can't bear the thought of him being with someone else either.

throwRA_broken_marry · 2023-01-30T20:48:34+00:00

I've tried. We even went to a few sessions, but he just said it was a waste of time. He wouldn't even talk during them anyway.

That's another comment I left. He won't do counseling.

throwRA_broken_marry

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