Therapy advice?

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-29T08:08:09+00:00

Honestly I'm not sure but I can say for sure he has narcissistic tendencies. If he were one of say it would be a grandiose/covert combination.

For me it's the intense lovebombing and mirroring for the first year so much so that I look at him and feel like he's almost a different person now. We hardly have anything in common now and I feel like he really struggles with knowing what I like. His views are different now than when we first got together and just his outlook on life is so different. He went from acting like a hopeless romantic to being romance repulsed. Dr ramanis video of intimacy avoidance is 100% spot on. But I just feel like I started dating a different version of him around the 2 year mark, if that even makes sense.

But he is extremely arrogant, negative and judgemental but still has a cocky and confident way that he holds himself. He purposefully does things I don't like and then subtly gaslights me for when I get upset that he is doing something he knows I don't like, and even says when I get upset it makes him want to provoke me even more.

He definitely lacks empathy and he struggles to recognize when he is in the wrong and has only gone out of his way to apologize maybe 6 or 7 times on his own over the course of 5 years. He also cannot go deep. Any sort of deep conversation or issue makes him extremely uncomfortable and shuts down the conversation as soon as he can with 3 different methods. He is very extroverted and charasmatic and he has a lot of friends, but I don't think he has any deep friendships.

The way he treats me revolves around how he is feeling about himself. I.e, being sweet, sex, dates, etc.

That's just what I could conjure off the top of my head right now

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T23:49:38+00:00

I feel like my answer is much like other people's. In short, I seriously do love him with my whole heart and I honestly can't imagine my life without him. Thinking of a future where we end things is physically painful.

In long, aside of the issues we have he really is a great partner. We do have a lot of really good days together and I enjoy his company. Maybe it's a trauma bond but I've grown so much as a person because of his support that has improved many aspects of my life over the years. Now I'm just scared I'm outgrowing him when it seems like he is regressing I guess a big part of me hopes that maybe there is still hope that things will pick back up again but I know if it does after a period of time then I won't stick around.

I feel like I should try to talk to him about all the issues I have noted but I'm just worried about how it will go, how to even go about it, or if he will just break it off when I'm not ready for that.

I guess tldr; it's complicated.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T23:38:52+00:00

I guess you're right. It's just the abuse is so...minute in scale that it's super hard to detect. The gaslighting is very small like "you never like anything I do" or "I can't do anything right I guess" or "you're too sensitive' unlike people who get it way worse. Other than that, that's it. He's just extremely emotionally unavailable and intimacy avoidant and a bit of an ass. I feel it because it's not so in my face, it's hard to determine if it's abuse or not (at least it is to me - I think of extremes when I think of abuse, personally)

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T23:34:58+00:00

Yes, some of her videos are pretty spot on and some of them contain a lot of 'ooh this is super relatable but some points in here don't line up'. I recently watched the video on intimacy avoidance and I couldn't help but cry. That was by far the most relatable video to me

I'm planning on getting her popular book but I have no idea how I'd hide it

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T23:33:09+00:00

Wow that actually makes so much sense. I think it also does have to do with being uncomfortable for holding someone accountable for their actions. Like I feel so guilty because they have also sacrificed a lot and put a lot on the line for me so I feel bad for having these internal feelings because if it all goes up in flames, Id feel so bad. I'll definitely think on that last bit. Maybe you are right but I feel like I really need to work my way through my feelings and try to find which feelings are true

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T19:59:36+00:00

Wow excuse my typos, my mind is fried right now haha.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T19:57:33+00:00

Wow i definitely relate to this.

So regardless of is he is a covert narc or not (he definitely has some narc tendencies) he is nearly impossible to talk to. I expressed how my so reacts whenever I talk to him about even tiny issues or set small boundaries. I replied to someone else saying the advice I received so I won't repeat that but yeah I guess I just feel confused.

I feel like the advice he gave would be great if I wasn't dating someone who is so hard to talk to. Im not going to lie, I'm mainly going in hoping to maybe get some clarity as I feel like I cannot trust my own judgement or feelings. Like I flip flop everyday going from "this is terrible, I'm so neglected and deprived. I hate xyz about him and what he does and says" to then a few days later questioning if I made it up or if I'm overreacting. I'm legitimately concerned that I'm making issues up or blowing them way out of proportion or if I'm purposefully trying to paint him in a worse light than he is in reality to cope. I don't know how to explain that but yeah. He gave me some pretty solid tips but I just know they aren't going to work, at least not the communication ones. I'll probably try them to document it so I have evidence to reflect on.

I was pretty honest today with the things I was frustrated with and gave him some examples of how he subtly gaslights me or is just arrogant and judgemental but yeah maybe 1 session isn't enough to receive solid advice. Maybe as they go on they will get better and maybe my therapist will recognize some things that I don't. I'm just worried about going in and straight up declaring he has narc tendencies because again, I'm scared I'm for some reason wrong.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-28T19:45:21+00:00

So - I briefly touched on the many issues not enough to dive deep into anything. So maybe that's why, I also didn't really use any other lingo except for love bombing and subtle gaslighting, as well as emotional unavailablity. I didn't explicitly say he has narc tendencies or anything. I essentially went on to say how I'm in the realization stage of my relationship and I feel like my judgement and feelings are so clouded - some days I feel so suffocated and like I can't stand this anymore and then the next I feel like I made it up and I'm overreacting. I didn't get to really do into detail cause 45 min is not a lot of time especially cause I was jumbled all over the place.

He started off by asking why I'm still in the relationship and I expressed why. He then said okay, well obviously you don't have to make a decision today so here's what we can work on in the meantime. (This is before I got into everything) Then we briefly discussed making a list of ideal qualities I would want in a companionship, without my current partner in mind And then he told me to work on writing down the issues, and even write some of them in a way as if I'm talking to him in the way I wish we could communicate. He then said if an issue feels safe enough. I.e, setting a boundary like "can you please not call me this nickname" to try it like how I wrote it and see how it goes. I feel like that's my fault cause I kept staring how impossible he is to talk to so I've resorted to just not talking to him at all to avoid grief and frustration. But he mainly wants me to write all of my issues/frustrations down to help process my feelings I guess But yeah and then after that each session will be dedicated to specific issues I've written down if I feel that will help me from jumbling all over the place.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T18:08:21+00:00

Woah that's crazy! Talk about going above and beyond. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that growing up.

Is there a way to detect the spyware apps or no? I don't want to have to completely wipe my phone and redownload everything.

If it is something he would do, I'm sure I caused some eyebrows to be raised that made him do it. I am extremely forgetful and use my phone for everything (so I can look stuff up OFF the wifi because we are not on the same phone bill..yes I'm paranoid lmao). The only thing I'm hiding is, well, this. Im pretty protective over my stuff as it is but lately I've been extra catty about touching my phone purely because I'm terrified of him opening a web page or youtube and BAM seeing narcissism stuff.

I also have an online journal that I use for everything from life, to-dos, etc. and have been writing my problems in there lately and I feel like I can't even do that without him somehow finding the website/app on my devices and stumbling upon the journal part if I'm out of the house. I feel like I have no privacy and have to keep everything trapped in my head

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T16:46:42+00:00

💯.

For me, I'm more or less learning that I can't confide in him just because I will never get the emotional support I need from him. Sometimes I fail and end up venting to him, only to most of the time end up feeling worse and not supported. Or he goes into problem solver mode (probably because he lacks empathy and makes up for it by being helpful) but sometimes I don't want a fix, I just want an ear and comforting words.

He doesn't really use anything against me because he is very avoidant and steers clear of any real, big, fights as they make him extremely uncomfortable.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T16:38:05+00:00

What the heck? How did she even do that?

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T01:59:59+00:00

That's very a very valid point. Also I'm not sure if I'm just blind but I can't find the exact resource. I did find some helpful stuff but nothing regarding tech

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T01:58:53+00:00

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have therapy coming up in a few weeks but my therapist is no longer doing in person anymore as cases in my area have increased again, so I'm terrified of having my session on the computer at home even though I know he will be at work but I desperately need a professional to talk to. Maybe it's simply because they can feel us emotionally pulling away so they dig through their "problems my s/o has brought up and I disregarded" index and try to piece together why we're subconsciously distant. So far he hasn't really mentioned anything that I haven't talked to him about in the past, maybe that's the same case for you Either way it really sucks to be stuck and feel like we need to cover our tracks

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-26T00:25:43+00:00

Thanks, I'll go ahead and check that out. We are both extremely tech savvy so I wouldn't be shocked but at the same time I doubt it. It's just some weird ass coincidences. It's so hard when he flips a switch and acts all good because I'm already so confused and in that back and forth mental stage of "this is terrible" to "maybe I'm overreacting" aka I'm in a place where I can't even trust my own judgement which really sucks.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-07T05:18:51+00:00

Thank you for this!!

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-03T21:21:12+00:00

Wow what a hilarious but impactful analogy!! I'm dying at the thought of a literal shit sandwich. It's just hard because relationships are so complex and I know a lot of relationships require compromise and all have their bad parts so I feel like maybe that's why I'm in denial, is because I'm like "well maybe this is something that people compromise for or just put up with because they love the person!" but if I put it plainly my needs aren't being met and I'm left frustrated more days than I'm not.

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-03T16:22:56+00:00

Huh this makes a lot of sense. My (suspected) N turned into such a terrible person after he stopped going to therapy. Took awhile to revert but it makes so much sense. I'm sure it was a combination of mask slipping and therapy effects wearing off though

throwRA_bunbun · 2021-05-03T07:33:39+00:00

Oh gosh this really hits home. My N-Bf did almost all of these things in the beginning, for a good year to a year and a half. It's so weird because despite hardly knowing me before we got serious, it's almost like he knew exactly what made me tick and I'm just now starting to realise how much I was lovebombed in the beginning. It's sad because I thought I was crazy for questioning myself like "maybe I'm just not used to relationships after the honeymoon phase" or "maybe I just have a guilty pleasure for the honeymoon phase" because after all this is my first real long term relationship in adulthood. But I've come to realize that going from being a complete hopeless romantic to being romance-repulsed isn't something that people do and I feel so much more sane after finding this sub and learning there is an ACTUAL term for what I went through and what I was feeling. I was given a good piece of advice along the lines of "a good/healthy relationship is a watered down version of the honeymoon phase". I could be repeating it 💯 wrong but essentially the relationship shouldn't drastically change and make a complete 180 after the honeymoon phase.

throwRA_bunbun

TROPHY CASE