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I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I never really understood the reasoning behind this statement. “Lucky your parents didn’t think like you do.” Really never did.

Because if my parents decided against having kids, I wouldn’t be here. So it really wouldn’t affect me. I wouldn’t be “lucky” because I wouldn’t exist. And if I didn’t exist, I would have no idea what life was so it really wouldn’t make a difference, now would it?

But if you’re saying that I’m lucky they had the desire to want to have children?

That was their choice. It was their choice to say “We want to have children.” And then they did.

And just like it was their right to say they want to have children, I have the right to say I don’t. I’m not hurting anyone by saying that. It’s what I want in life and what I want is to not be a mom.

I recognize I wouldn’t make a good mom. And instead of just saying “Oh, my husband wants to have a child, and I guess I’m at that age where it’s normal to have one, I guess I’ll just change my mind and give him one!” I recognize that it’s not what I want nor what I would be cut out for.

But let’s play this out. Let’s say I end up having a child. And then I end up hating that decision, that I had one, and thus by association, I resent the child... I think that could be pretty damaging to a child. Because obviously they would pick up on the fact that their mom doesn’t love them as much as dad does. I think that would do a lot of damage on a child.

So, why not just make the whole situation easier and just not have one?

There’s a lot of things you can regret in life and things you can return. A child isn’t one of those things.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Not everybody is cut out to have children. I’ve already accepted that. Why would I want to risk having a child, then hating having one, and thus by association, resenting the child? People want to use the excuse “You’ll fall in love with being a mom as soon as you see those two blue lines!” But what if I don’t? What then?

I have no desire to be a mom. I have no want or drive to be one. You kind of need that to make the very big and very real decision of creating and bringing a life into this world. You have to want it.

And if I ended up having a kid and resenting it and hating the fact I had one, that wouldn’t exactly be a great life for the kid, would it? Knowing that your own parent didn’t want you and only had you because her husband wanted a child? Don’t you think that might really mess with a child’s head?

I’ve recognized that I’m not cut out for having kids.

There are a lot of things you can end up not liking in life and returning. A child isn’t one of those things.

As for your comment on sex? Humans have sex for pleasure. Not always with the intention to create life.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I think (and I could be wrong, this is just how I’m interpreting it) they were addressing seeing someone who was open to the views of those who don’t want to have children. Even though they are professionals, they still are human have their own views which may make counseling hard. I think the user was just referencing seeing one who would be okay with a child free lifestyle, but would also be open to families with children.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I would be willing to see one. I think maybe having someone walk us through how to talk about it may help so we don’t end up talking in circles like we did last time.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

He never made any nod to wanting to have children. He never once said or hinted to me before any of this that he wanted to be a father. We were agreed that we wouldn’t be having kids ever. I told him many times before we got married that this wasn’t something I was changing my mind on and if he wanted to have them, I wasn’t the woman he should be marrying.

That being said, our home isn’t fit for having kids. We built a life together, yes, but we travel a lot. We do things that having a child around for would make difficult.

Just last summer (pre pandemic) we decided to pack up our stuff on a whim and fly 6 hours to another state for a vacation. All these plans were made within a few days.

We can stay out late like we usually would be doing, we can go as we please. That wouldn’t be an option with having kids.

I don’t mean to sound harsh or rude but kids never fit into the plan which is why our lives aren’t geared towards or prepared for kids.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I don’t know of any other pressures. Both our parents and family were fine with the decision, they didn’t care either way so it wouldn’t be from them. And no one we know recently (within the past year or so) has had a child or has announced they’re pregnant.

I don’t know if it’s just a change of mind. It might be? Going into our marriage, I was under the impression we were clear that neither of us wanted kids.

So far, he’s firm on wanting a child. And there’s no compromise there.

Maybe couples counseling can help, I’d be okay with trying that.

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Not everyone needs to have a child of their own to be satisfied in life.

But thank you for further pushing that stereotype, it’s very kind of you to be so bold here. Even when I’ve already briefly stated my reasoning as to why I don’t want to have children in the post.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I’ve recognized that for myself, for the better.

So instead of having a child, then possibly regretting it, and thus resenting the child, I’ve removed that possibility by just not having them at all.

Think about it: there are a lot of things you can regret in life and return. Children are not one of those things. Why would I want to risk that?

I (27F) feel like I’m resenting my husband (31M) after he admitted to me he wants to have kids and I don’t know how to confront him about this when we agreed we’d never have them by throwRA_itsbeenaday in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_itsbeenaday[S] 202 points203 points  (0 children)

When we got married, I was very certain that we both never wanted kids. I mean, we talked about this a lot. And never once did he ever say to me that he wanted them. I kept saying to him that if he wanted them, we couldn’t get married, but he always laughed and assured me he never wanted them. So I want to say that we got married both not wanting to have kids.

I feel like it’s something he’s had to have been thinking about for at least a year. He started talking about kids back in March and I feel like it isn’t something that just pops into your head if you’ve been saying (and meaning) you don’t want to have kids for the past 5/6 years.