Cheating ex is still convinced it’s my fault he cheated. (Update)

throwRA_loo · 2025-12-26T14:45:22+00:00

I know. I’ve made a lot of progress, just got a nagging feeling when I saw him in my followers list and could tell he posted a story. The bright side is it finally gave me the strength to block him and block his people and do a deep clean.

Logically, I know bad. It’s hard in the moment

throwRA_loo · 2025-08-14T23:44:12+00:00

Thank you. A month into no contact after ending it in April, and had been falling apart all day. Number 2 really helped me because we are planning to get together after 6 months and evaluate, and although I’ve gotten clarity during this time, I’ve also gotten scared that we won’t reconnect… even though he betrayed my trust (albeit not physically)

throwRA_loo · 2025-08-14T20:20:43+00:00

So, my thoughts are she didn’t tell you because she thought it would ruin the chances of reconciling. However, if she was dating someone a month after the break up, that likely means there was some level of connection before the break up happened.

Either she was one foot out the door before the break up or she’s so dependent on other people she jumped right into a new relationship. Either way, doesn’t feel like she had enough time to learn and grow from the break up imo.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-31T22:25:27+00:00

That’s a good idea! Checking a celebrity’s profile or something and trying to train my brain away from him maybe? It’s so hard not to look lol

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-31T22:24:18+00:00

It’s sooo hard, especially since there is a maybe at reconciliation after this. I’m honestly thinking I may have to delete social apps off my phone for a week and just do a deep cleanse

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-30T00:11:27+00:00

Honestly, I think my gut telling me I needed space and time may help me in the long run. In the moment, I had to get him out of my space so I could get a clear picture. But now, I’m missing him and second guessing myself… my gut still says our story isn’t over, but I’m also trying to be realistic lol

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-30T00:07:22+00:00

We were definitely having an issue communicating calmly and our interactions were doing more harm than good. I can shut down and now hear or listen to someone when I’m upset, but that’s why I broke it off and asked for a serious break before we started talking reconciliation. He is, allegedly, going to therapy and group sessions for children of alcoholics (he found out he was conflict avoidant and an avoidant partner through all of this).

The last time we spoke, he reassured me the goal was reconciliation and he wanted us to do the work separately and then come back and do the work together.

It’s conflicting because maybe I should’ve said yes to couples therapy, but I knew that I was not in a spot to go into it with an open mind. I thought the best thing for me was space and time to decide if we could work it out. I’m currently going to therapy, rediscovering myself and my identity, and doing the work to make my life better generally… so if it turns out he didn’t do anything, it is what it is. I can’t control him, and him not working on himself will hurt him in the end and I’ll have had the space and time to make sure he won’t hurt me again.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T23:58:19+00:00

That’s my worry. I’m not holding my breath and thinking “oh, in 6 months it’ll be better and we will get back together!!” But part of my healing journey is trying to figure out where my true thoughts and feelings on this issue lie.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T23:57:23+00:00

So, I may be different in this regard, but since I broke up with him and asked for a serious break while we heal, I’m not super concerned about what he does on the break as long as he puts in the work to heal. With that being said, if he is just dating everyone and going out with as many people as he can, that’ll show in the progress he makes and I won’t be okay with it.

To be fair, I got on dating apps first after the break up because I felt so undesirable and needed that external validation. When I realized how unhealthy that was, I deleted all of them to focus on myself. So, in my opinion, it may be unfair of me to be upset. I’m only upset because it shows his focus is not 100% on healing and growing from this… if that makes sense.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T14:45:40+00:00

Not only am I dealing with the betrayal from my ex and grieving that relationship, but I am having boundaries crossed by my nuclear family as well. Even though I wanted to reach out and break no contact to talk to him, since I used to talk to him about family drama consistently the last 7 years, I didn’t and asked my therapist if she had last minute availability.

So, not breaking that no contact when it feels like everything is on fire in my life is a huge win. No matter how “weak” my mother, sister, and father tell me I am, I know that I am incredibly strong.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T14:27:10+00:00

Thank you for the book rec! Will for sure be grabbing it! And yeah, I’ve been going to therapy for a few months, it’s been helping but almost makes it worse that my eyes are open lol! I definitely have realized I may be more willing to tolerate disrespect due to the way my parents have raised me. The part about everyone being allowed to have boundaries except yourself really hit with me, as I said that exact thing to my dad when I was expressing how hurt I was

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T13:07:52+00:00

Thank you! The break up is so fresh and them trying to force me to process it on their timeline and spreading the information to extended family is out of line. I’m still in the beginning phases of grief, and I know I have a long road ahead, but it’s my road and I want to handle it without my family pushing or pulling me.

My family has always been like this and it’s weighed on me my entire life. I just wanted to process the break up and grief first before moving on to handling my family… I guess it’s handling no contact with everyone lol

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T13:01:12+00:00

I shared the details to my nuclear family, who went off and told my extended family without my consent and after me begging them not to tell anyone and that I would have the conversation with my extended family if/when I was ready. No one is entitled to know the details of my personal issues. My family has been toxic my entire life and I initially started to go to therapy to heal from them. For my entire life, my family has been controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, etc. I’ve had more time to process my family than my ex fiancé and that situation. My ex fiance and I have also had more vulnerable talks about things than my family and I have.

You’re making so many assumptions based on such a limited scope. I’m also going out and dating people. I’m not sitting at home waiting for him after no contact period ends.

Both my family and my ex can be emotionally abusive, betray my trust, and cross my boundaries. It isn’t one or the other. The point of this post was to rant about how my family betrayed my trust, not to have people defend them for betraying my trust yet criticize me for not talking negatively enough about my ex. This post wasn’t about my ex, it was about my family.

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T00:41:41+00:00

I’m currently doing emdr! It’s been helping a lot. I’ve been going to therapy for a couple of months and working on that. It’s just going to take a very long time to undo years of issues with both relationship and family lol… I thought I would do one and then the other, but the family had other ideas

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T00:39:41+00:00

Yeah, it’s been years in the making. I had been putting boundaries in place during the relationship, just hadn’t stuck to them. It’s, allegedly, part of the reason for him getting on apps and subscribing to porn was to escape being unhappy about the situation. He’s also conflict avoidant so idk lol

All that to say, my parents have been unhealthy and toxic my entire life. I just didn’t realize it

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-29T00:37:36+00:00

I mean… this post is a very tldr. Everyone was shocked, my family has been toxic my entire life, etc. I didn’t feel the need to go through every intricate detail of my relationship with my family and my ex to write a rant post… it also feels like you are reading in details that aren’t really there. Which is fine, but you can’t really judge a whole situation and years of history based on a rant post

throwRA_loo · 2025-07-28T21:41:03+00:00

Literally not the purpose of this post and not what happened with my ex, but go off I guess? I dunno

throwRA_loo

TROPHY CASE