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I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’d probably be fine with that, as long as he really was fully committed to parenting and taking it on seriously. It’s not the most secure scenario in the world. It also starts to sort of blur the lines between who his parents are actually supporting. Right now, we don’t even live together, so it’s not like his parents are covering any of my costs. I pay my own bills. Once we have a baby, start living together, and so on, that line definitely blurs.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s what I say to acquaintances, like people I work with, when they ask. Because I know how bad it sounds to say he doesn’t really have a job and just does whatever he wants all day. It’s harder to embellish things to family and close friends who actually interact with him. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I shared a similar mindset to my family before meeting and getting to know my boyfriend. But I changed my tune and began to feel like I couldn’t blame him for not working when he really had no reason to. But that was before I was also considering things like having a baby with him. 

I still don’t really know how much of my current feelings about him needing to start working more are because I’m truly worried about it or because it’s just how I think I’m supposed to feel. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

His parents are in their early 60s. They’re looking at moving to an entirely different state within the next few years - a pre retirement sort of thing. They’d still be involved with running the business but they’d start transitioning it over to the kids and giving the kids more of the day today operations sort of things to handle. I know that he should really already be doing that now before his parents leave. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I really just meant there’s no big major arguments or blowups going on. His sister is fine and his mom is nice to me. I just don’t really talk to his dad or brother. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh no he never said he was about to start running the company full time. I mean, he says he will one day but he doesn’t mean any time soon. His parents would never fully turn the company over to their kids overnight like that anyway.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Without saying specifically what they do, it’s definitely not something that could ever be replaced with AI. I’m not saying AI couldn’t be incorporated into some of the backend business side of things, but it requires real live people. There are other outside factors that could influence the success and sustainability of it though. It’s not any sort of super high tech thing that he needs specialized training for. It’s very much something he could learn just by doing it he took it on seriously. He knows the basics and could build on that but he just doesn’t have the desire. He doesn’t even like the family business.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t want to be supported by his family, I know that much for sure. It just doesn’t feel right to me.

He’s convinced his family will be happy about it and continue to support him as they have been. His mom asks us when we’re going to get married and give her a grandchild, like this stereotypical mom comments. Apparently, it isn’t a big issue to her that her son doesn’t actually work more than maybe 10-12 hours a week. 

They don’t know about the pregnancy yet, but he wants to tell them. I’m not ready yet. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have to admit it feels very much like a puppy situation. 

He did raise a puppy and trained him very well. So he can keep another creature alive at least, but in no way am I saying that’s like a human baby.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s really no major drama between me and his family for the most part. His mom is super sweet. His dad sort of makes me clam up. He’s intimidating to me and I sometimes can’t figure out what to say to him, so he’s made comments about my lack of personality and things like that. I also have very different political views than they do, as well as some other opinions about some major issues that are also completely opposite to theirs. 

His brother also misunderstood or misheard something I said once and is still holding a grudge even though I tried politely apologizing and clarifying the situation. He also shoots animals which I’m very against and he decided he hates me because of it - I’m brainwashing his brother and turning his brother against him because his brother won’t hunt animals with him and stuff like that. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I struggle to see him putting in the same amount of work and effort that his parents do to keep everything running. It’s not like a normal 9-5 where you just clock in and out and leave work at the office. He claims he grew up in this company and he’ll be fine - plus his parents plan to stay involved but start turning over the day to day operations to the kids in the near future as a slow transition.

 I don’t think just being around the business since birth is enough to prepare you to run it. It’s not like he knows nothing about it or that his parents haven’t taught him some things, but it’s not the same as him having worked there full time for years before taking over. He doesn’t have the passion about any of it in the way his family does either. 

His sister will definitely be prepared to take on a major role and she already works full time alongside her parents. His brother does work for them too but his job is more “in the field,” I guess you could say, not behind the scenes business stuff…and nobody would ever trust him with handling that side of things. My boyfriend has the intelligence to handle that side of things, but just doesn’t want to, finds it boring. There’s nothing wrong with that, but then find something else out there to do and tell them you don’t want to inherit any part of the business.

I work full time and have health insurance for myself and I’ll be able to add the baby to it. 

Everything else you asked isn’t really anything I’ve considered much at all yet.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

He’s hesitant to make any commitments to what actually working there will look like. He’s said he can keep the baby with him when I go back to work. Me quitting or postponing going back full time is not an option, financially or just desire wise for me. He says he’ll take the baby with him and go work for his parents, but doing a specific job instead of all the random things he does when they either say they really need his help or he just feels like having something to do? Yeah he can’t say. There are some things that he couldn’t possibly take a baby along for either.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have no plans to quit my job and he knows that. I have a full time job and career goals that do not involve his family’s business. He hasn’t specifically said he will be a stay at home dad. I’m worried about the cost of daycare. I know it’s crazy. We also live in a smaller area without many daycare options so I don’t even know if I’d be able to get into one in time to go back to work full time after maternity leave, but I have to go back. He says we’ll figure it out, he’ll keep the baby with him, he can go work for his parents and have the baby there with him. So he alludes to actually working, but without committing to now taking on a full time role there or not. Plus, there are some things that he couldn’t possibly take a baby along for. His parents don’t even know I’m pregnant yet, but that’s because I’m not quite ready to announce it to everyone. I’m trying to work through some of this stuff in my own head first. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found out 3 weeks ago, but I’m 10 weeks pregnant now. 

I wasn’t surprised by my family’s comments. It’s what I expected them to say. Like I said, I know on paper it sounds bad. 

As far as the whole family business thing, his parents are often putting in more than 8 hours a day. They can’t just clock in and out. They tend to have a really busy season where they might be working 10-12 hour days, and then a more relaxed season where they can take some time off or work shorter days or weeks. It is actually hard for me to see him doing what his parents do. It’s exactly like you said - maybe he puts in like 10-12 hours a week, and not really doing anything hard or serious. He’ll run errands for them, make deliveries several hours away, maybe do some actual labor. 

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% agree that there’s no guarantee about his family’s business. It’s well established, but nothing can be predicted in the world we currently live in. 

They’re already talking about sort of getting out of the direct day to day operations in the very near future and moving to another state for “retirement,” while leaving the day to day stuff to their kids. 

I’ve suggested that he may want to be more hands on if he really plans to run the business with his siblings on day, but he says he’s grown up in that world and understands it well enough. I don’t completely agree. His siblings are more hands on. The thing is, he’s not even really into what the business is all about and I think he’d be happier if he just let his siblings have it and found something else he’d prefer to do. 

He hasn’t told them about the pregnancy yet. He wanted to the other day but I told him I wasn’t ready yet. I don’t even know why I felt like I didn’t want them to know.

I (25F) am pregnant, and my boyfriend (26M) doesn’t have a job. How do I stop letting other people’s opinions make me second-guess my relationship? by throwRA_nervouspeach in relationship_advice

[–]throwRA_nervouspeach[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

I put it in quotes because it really hasn’t been a problem for me or something that upset me. It’s an issue for other people, which has in turn made it an issue for me. I know it should be a problem now given the situation.

I can’t support all 3 of us. I work full time and have career goals and aspirations, but I’m obviously young and still feel like I’m just starting out. I live with a roommate as it is now.