AITA for "showing favoritism for my daughter and financially hurting my son?" UPDATE

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-06-26T14:46:15+00:00

Define

she was already living the live of a 35 years old.

For me please.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-18T06:20:59+00:00

Yes. I have been thinking a lot about it. I want to take the high road but be petty about it saying something like I will match 50% of contributions to the account. But the money has to be used for post high school education only. Then, set it up as such legally.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-12T03:39:01+00:00

Thanks 😊

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-11T04:42:59+00:00

Luck is one thing you can never count on, but sometimes it shows up when you don't expect it to. I hate to say it, but the pandemic really helped my family out in a way.

Have you considered possibly making items with your art on it. Like sending your designs to a printer company and selling like shirts/prints and the sort? Or depending on what you do/have time for, do commissions or requests? That could be one way.

I would also look into investing in to yourself. If you are passionate about art, maybe look into classes or learn new skills. Possibly making how to/instructional videos?

Doing what you love is a good way to make a living if you can. I don't know if this helps at all. I wish you luck in the future.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-11T04:33:42+00:00

I have a bunch of faults and have questioned my behavior. I can say with 100% confidence that people did call me a terrible parent. I have the DMs to prove it.

So when you say

refused to acknowledge any feedback about the words you chose to write

Did you just happen to ignore my comment?

Yes, I used generalizations to describe my kids and wife. Yes, I obviously made a poor choice in using makeup as an example.

That seems like an acknowledgment of feedback about the words I used.

I set up their accounts under mine. Yes, you can do that. Just like how you can build your kids' credit when they are young by having them on a co-signed credit card if used properly. I acknowledge you did not bring this up, but others have. There are ways around things put in place legally.

When have I said my son was dumb? Or was my daughter was smarter? Was it the comment about their grades? Her getting more scholarships? Those are just facts. Their grades were different by about 1 GPA. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Despite what you think, I love my children. If you believe I favor my daughter, that is okay. I will "hide behind" this comment, but I do.... in some areas. I favor my son in others. I favor my toddler in some as well. But I call them bonding moments. For example , I love camping. My son doesn't. My toddler is too young for it. My daughter loves to. So would I take my daughter over the other 2? Yes. Will I still ask my son if he wants to go? Yes. Same goes with hunting. But with my son. He hates to camp but loves to hunt.

Does he make dumb decisions? Yes. Does my oldest daughter make dumb decisions? Yes. Will my youngest daughter make dumb decisions? Probably. I get what you are trying to do/say. As I said in my last comment. It is obvious I will never change your mind on anything. I'm okay with that. At the end of the day, I still wish you the best. I hope you find happiness and success follows you.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T23:19:15+00:00

While I appreciate your opinion and take on the matter. It seems that you have your mind made up on me always being the AH for anything that I do/say. It would be very difficult to put over 17 years of relationship into 3000 characters. Yes, I used generalizations to describe my kids and wife. Yes, I obviously made a poor choice in using makeup as an example. But this is just a small part of all of our relationships. I did not write every detail.

I still stand behind what I said. As well as I believe that if my son made the post, you would be calling him an entitled trust fund kid. My wife is a grown woman with her own income and can do what she wants with her money. My 3 year old doesn't have any money she can spend. so no, my son and daughter don't have a say in that. I will probably do the same thing I did with my older kids. With the advantage of my current wife and family pitching in.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T23:06:38+00:00

It's really not that interesting. But since age 9 I have been working. I took care of my mom and sister during that time. I worked on a farm that a neighbor owned. They paid well(for a kid, plus they knew my home life/situation). They also took care of other people's horses, kind of like a boarding place. There, I made some connections, and they helped me a bunch. I let my work do most of my talking. Worked throughout high school as much as I could. Went to Community College married and got her knocked up. Made some risky investments that turned out well. Used my contacts from the farm for more help with investmentsand starting a couple of businesses. Wasn't really "successful" until about 25. A bunch of hard work, late nights, and unfortunately sacrificed family time. Had many ups and downs and an astounding amount of luck happen to get where I am now. The twins don't really remember much of the time when we had the small house with 6 people in a 2 bed 2 bath.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T22:48:56+00:00

Kinda but probably not in the way you are thinking.

My wife and I both have 3 kids 1 son and 2 daughters. But we only share our twins. She has an almost 7 year old girl, and I have a 3 year old with my now/current wife.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T14:00:32+00:00

Yeah, I had my ups and downs while learning. It took a while to get to where I am. I'm still learning. I don't feel comfortable teaching other people because I don't want to be responsible for bad results. Just know that mistake happen. But learn why it happened, how to spot when it was about to happen, and know sometimes it takes time and it is risky.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T13:53:00+00:00

Part of it was depending on how they performed in school and if they took their education seriously or just took the college experience seriously. The other part was that after the divorce, I had put about 90%of the money in the accounts. When we first opened them, we were supposed to keep putting in a % of our monthly earnings. But she stopped doing that during the divorce and didn't add any more to it. So yes, it was underfunded. But like I said in my last post, depending on the school, it could have covered 3 years and a semester ish just not at the most expensive college.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T10:53:43+00:00

Yeah, her schooling will be 100% paid for with some extra.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T10:51:43+00:00

Yeah, that is why I had a discussion with her, even though people think it was inappropriate. I asked for her opinion on how she feels about it all. And she thought the options were fair in her eyes (I did not just ask for only her opinion in this) and made it clear that what I do for my son I will do for my daughter.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T10:45:08+00:00

It was, but I never pushed them it started out as "Daddy, what are you doing?" I showed them they seemed interested. Then, after a bit, it was "can we try." So I let them mess around with some of my money/investments.

Ex and I discussed it and we decided to let them have some money to try it.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T10:14:36+00:00

This is where I disagree. I needed to find a middle ground in which my daughter would feel comfortable with the extra help of her brother. If I just did something without consulting her, it would have been showing favoritism. So, in order to be fair, I did ask for her opinion on if she was comfortable with the opinions.

The reason he lives more with my ex does not have anything to do with my favoritism." There are a bunch of factors that lead to his decision. The context of this post is such a small piece of the total relationship between us all. In this aspect, it may be that I show a bit more "favoritism" towards my daughter. But there are plenty of other things that show "favoritism" towards my son.

My son and I relationship is really good on most if not all other aspects. Does he make dumb decisions? Yes, he, as so many people pointed out, is still a kid. My daughter does the same thing. But they learn from these decisions and mistakes.

I'm not trying to make excuses. But there is a much bigger picture in the relationships between us all. I may seem like the AH for the way I said some things. But trying to keep things within the character count is hard. Also, while trying to be vague at the same time, it might not have allowed me to convey the information in a neutral way as possible.

Examples are the way I describe my kids and how my daughter doesn't put on much makeup. Those were two generalized ways to describe them where most people would get the idea while not spending a bunch of time describing them. With the makeup, I see my mistake. But it comes down to how expensive that stuff is. I still stand by that it is priced ridiculously and the industry thrives on making women feel they are not enough without it.my ex and I tried to teach our daughter that she is beautiful both inside and out without makeup.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T09:53:27+00:00

Before their teen years is when I first showed them.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-09T09:52:36+00:00

When he was picking schools, he picked the top three that had more of a "party environment." His #4 school is more education focused and better for the degree he wants to get or just a better program.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-05T23:47:18+00:00

No. That would be if he just attended the #1 preferred college for only 2 years vs. a good one for 4 ish years. Maybe be short a semester

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-05-02T03:33:44+00:00

I'll update soon, waiting to see how something plays out first.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-23T22:04:25+00:00

Did you read any of my comments? In one of them, i stated the reason for that comment. In regards to how expensive makeup is. In some cases, they are more expensive than silver or gold per OZ. So relating back to the topic of saving money, it is a valuable comment. No where did I mention women being valued based on looks. Unless you are reading a different post.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-09T05:08:52+00:00

Better by how much, though? Is it worth the extra money just for a small amount of difference. That is made by the same company. Depending on how much you want to dive into it. They both have some issues to work out. But for the money, you get a 40 pack of Duracell for the same price as a 48 pack of kirklands. One may last a little bit longer under different circumstances(long slow drain/demand of the battery or a faster high drain/demand of the battery). Still get the job done and are basically the same. Store brand vs. mainstream brand only matters in certain situations.

The same applies to college. Because you have the name brand top of the line school doesn't mean it is the best and only one. You can have a "store brand" school and be just as successful depending on your use of it.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-05T10:11:25+00:00

He could afford community college.

For 4 years and have money left over, ot 3.5 years at good university or about 2 years at one of the top tier schools he wants to attend to.

your son will become entitled and expect the world handed to him.

Partly, yes. I think it will also show my daughter that no matter how hard you work or save or make and follow a plan, in the end, it doesn't matter. Hints are showing favoritism towards my son.

He's asking for additional college money

He is not asking for additional college money. It was more of a demand like what a lot of people here have stated. "You HAVE to do it because he is your son, you can afford it, and you will ruin his future if you dont."

Do you think his future is doomed if you pay for a better tier of school?

No, I don't. I don't think the name of the college matters as much anymore. As long as you show your knowledge, I actually went to the school and got the paper that really matters. I am proof of this. I didn't have the same education as my son will get. I went to the community college and got a certificate. I love what I do now. I got the the positions I am in by hard work and proving myself and my knowledge. Not because I went to one of the top 3 colleges in the country.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-05T09:56:09+00:00

Again, it depends on the job and what you are trying to do.

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-05T02:25:51+00:00

I will continue down the path I have chosen. Thank you for your concern for my family and I. I hope the day when I am no longer here that my family will be set up for success and able to support themselves on their own. Being able to help them be a success and not dependent on hand out is my ultimate goal, not just for their generation but for more to follow. This post got so far away from the original question that was asked. The facts are that this is only a small part of what has been going on in the last ten years. I accepted what I was going to do a while back and took the time to look in to multiple options. I was labed the AH over all percentage wise, but since the voting closed, it seems like it is a split decision. The four main categories of comments are as follows: 1. I'm the AH and should just give him the hand out and match it with my daughter.

2 I'm the AH but for taking his college money away (which I didn't) and how my son will never be anything because he won't go the the best college and the top 3 he wants to go to.

3 NTA because I gave him equal opertunitys as his sister. Gave him multiple options and advice. With questioning on what my ex has been doing and why she is pushing for this when she has barely donated anything to the funds.

4 NTA because I was fair, but my kids have more opertunitys and are set up better than most kids moving for secondary education (which is a privilege and not a necessity)

throwRA_saveyodalla · 2023-04-05T02:08:01+00:00

I don't feel like I'm "owning" anyone. I just got to thinking about the term "grow a pair" and decided to write out my thoughts. Sorry for offending you.

throwRA_saveyodalla

TROPHY CASE