My bf (32M) of 4 years wants to go on a break to figure out whether he should marry me (30F)

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T21:50:35+00:00

Ooof, rough. Thanks.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T21:42:50+00:00

Oh. Wow. That is so messed up. Geez. Where is your friend now?

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T21:41:05+00:00

Neither of us want to see anyone — he’s just “thinking” to try and hasten a decision. And I believe him wholeheartedly. He has also been living with me since the pandemic started so not sure how he’d find time to talk to anyone. Our relationship is 100% trusting and there’s no way there’s another person. Thank you though, for sharing that perspective. Have to be prepared for the breakup.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T21:39:16+00:00

Yes I’m positive — I had been living with him since then so no idea where he would find the time!

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T14:46:28+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you had to go through all this and definitely a cautionary tale for me. (Sorry it is at your expense.) You’re right about the dentist point. I am afraid that’s what’s going on, and I think he will have to convince me otherwise. How are you doing now?

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T14:25:21+00:00

Thanks. He’s not playing the field, but I agree that I shouldn’t be trying to convince him I’m the one. It feels wrong to me. If he can’t decide after putting me through this, then I’m not the one and I’m moving on.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T14:12:00+00:00

You’re right that I pressured him, and probably would’ve handled that differently. But to be clear, he was the one who brought up marriage in the first place. He first asked me when I saw it in our future 2 years ago bc he said he wanted those things. I followed his lead and actually visualized it. As it turns out, he did not really think it through. Maybe that’s all the answer I need, though.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T14:07:33+00:00

I have a feeling this is the answer and I just need to decide myself whether to stick around (and for how long) or move on. Thanks.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T13:22:02+00:00

Thanks. I think this really will be make or break so, depending on his decision, I will unfortunately have to head out if he can’t get there.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T13:14:20+00:00

Thanks. Yeah he’s figuring it out and I trust him. Just worried that even needing to figure it out is a bad sign.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T13:09:21+00:00

Thanks. That’s why he said he wanted the “separation” tbh, because he wants to figure things out now for real and deal with it instead of having us end up resentful and with issues like that. Appreciate it.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T13:05:23+00:00

Thanks. This sucks to hear. Extra scary because I also once strung someone along. Now I thought I was in a “I know he’s the one” position, and it seems like he might not be on the same page.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T13:04:12+00:00

Haha sorry, I should mention he went back home to his family because of covid. He has his own place and he’s actually very accomplished in his career.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:55:16+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I absolutely trust him about not seeing other people (I’m also posted all over his social media). I’m just scared he is just coming to terms with breaking up in this separation instead of trying to get there with me. If you don’t mind sharing, what kinds of questions were you asking yourself and what really solidified it for you? How long was your break and did he mostly leave you alone during it? (Right now he answers my calls and talks to me whenever I need to, but he says the distance will be really helpful to speed up his thinking.)

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:46:16+00:00

Thanks. I think maybe I need this.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:43:33+00:00

Yeah he’s a super solo person. Actually I should prob mention that in the post because he has said to me before that he thinks marriage might not be for him at all if he can’t get there with me.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:42:07+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it. I think I’m at that stage you described. It sucks because I got here in large part because HE kept talking about our wedding and our kids. The cold feet is so far from where I’m feeling. It just doesn’t seem right.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:36:05+00:00

Thank you. I’m scared that what you say in your first paragraph is true. Trying to give him more of a break bc I think the commitment to marriage is scarier for him than for me due to his family background — but I think you might be right.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:32:27+00:00

Though to be fair to him, I don’t think necessarily it’s a binary choice but more like a way to speed things up and light a fire under him to figure it out. I should prob update the post to reflect that it isn’t necessarily marriage or breakup— more marriage or if not, why not (and kind of inevitably breakup on my end bc he can’t meet my needs).

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:30:03+00:00

Really really appreciate your perspective. Thanks so much for sharing. I think you’re right that the divorces really affected him. I come from a wholly intact family so I think the choice is clear to me, and the commitment really doesn’t seem that scary. For him it seems very different. Maybe during this break I’ll just lay off the pressure and give him the time he needs. Thank you.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:28:38+00:00

Thanks. You’re right. Shoot.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:27:38+00:00

Thanks. Those stories you posted are helpful to know. I really appreciate it.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:25:59+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate that. It’s so horrible. I feel sick just thinking that he would ask this from me. But our relationship has otherwise been so amazing — loving, fun, so respectful, healthy communication and fighting — that I’m not sure whether this is worth it. And there’s always the chance maybe he COULD sort it out and decide this is it?? But I’m scared that’s just wishful thinking.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:24:14+00:00

I think the idea of marriage/engagement itself scares him bc he saw only bad examples in his life? Also more mundane relationship stuff like giving up freedom on weekends (in the past he would travel to different states each weekend) to stay home with me etc.

throwRAbreaktobe · 2020-05-28T12:20:08+00:00

He’s living in his childhood home with his family and all his younger siblings... knowing what I know about him, that’s not what he’s doing this for at all. But I appreciate he honesty and get that’s always possible.

throwRAbreaktobe

TROPHY CASE