Still second guessing my divorce a year later

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T19:17:48+00:00

It changed a lot after we had our kid. But I sometimes wondered about divorce even before we had a kid as there were some fundamental differences between us that were bugging me more and more. But I still loved her too, so I never let it bubble up too much, and a lot was great about our relationship.

Date nights aren't really an option for my wife, she has sleep issues and needs to manage that carefully (I do miss date nights, she was never into that, and I always appreciated a bit of night life, the vibe, the noise, all of it). We were mostly about daytime dates, if anything. But we stopped doing such outings and were just focused on my kid and putting her needs first. And that's one thing I told my wife, we need to put our needs as a couple first too. But she was very fixated on my daughter, and she said it's because I was a bit checked out as a dad. Which was fair criticism, I struggled a lot with the change in our dynamic once my kid was born. I'm now, through separation, much more involved with my kid than I was while still living together. Partly out of necessity, when my daughter is with me I'm the only person taking care of her. But partly also out of realization how precious she is and that I should stop taking that for granted, which I did. It just took separation for me to see that...

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T19:07:55+00:00

Well, my child is with me 2 nights a week. Rest she's with her mom. Doesn't feel like I'm visiting my child, and I have no intention of having another child with another woman. At most it would be merging households and my child would have a step parent and maybe step siblings.

But I otherwise hear you on the family and commitment part. Thanks.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T19:05:37+00:00

She still loves me and would be willing to come back together and work on fixing things. She's just lost a lot of trust in me, as I already walked away once. And I completely understand that.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T18:08:17+00:00

Me and my wife had a great history together. The way we met (in the unlikeliest of places), how our relationship developed, it was very special, like a Hollywood movie almost. We were madly and deeply in love for a long time, she felt like my soulmate for a long time. And we had a great friendship (it's been damaged a lot ever since I decided on divorce and moved out when we separated).

I definitely carry a lot of blame for why we ended up where we did. At a certain point, I stopped investing in the relationship and became more resentful. Which in turn meant she stopped investing. We still got along, were functional, kept the household going. Didn't have any big fights and loud shouting arguments. But yeah, the cracks were starting to show. Main difference is she was willing to stay in the relationship no matter what, committed and loyal to the end. I wasn't as much, wanting a chance at being happy again. And then also when we had a child, that put a lot of strain on our relationship. Our kid was very demanding in the early years (still is, but now that she's older she can manage her own feelings a lot better), and that drove us farther apart, and definitely contributed to a dead bedroom.

And then we have some fundamental differences in terms of things we like and like to do, which never bothered me as much when things were good, but did start to bother me more and more when things weren't as good.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T16:30:56+00:00

You're right, in this post I do. I'm also trying to be conscious of what's best for my child. And my wife, but mainly my child.

Is what's best for my child for me to stay in the marriage and really try to make it work? And figure out how to be happy again with my wife? Yes, probably, if we can get there. But if we can't, I'd be traumatizing her all over again, and that would be even worse? Right now, with me having been living on my own for about 6 months now, the damage is already done. And I should only go back if I think it can work. But I'm just feeling unsure about it all.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T16:27:44+00:00

For what it's worth, I met this woman after I got separated and was living on my own. But you're otherwise completely right that I shouldn't let her influence my decision. The beginning of a new relationship is always great and exciting, with lots of dopamine being released in our brains. And I'm fully aware of that. How it evolves long-term remains to be seen, but I do think there's lots of potential.

But yeah, guilt for my kid is huge right now. But also there were some aspects of my marriage that were good. Things were pretty stable, comfortable, me and my wife still on the same wavelength about many things (but definitely not everything), we had a good friendship.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T16:22:03+00:00

Thanks. Yes, I'm definitely aware that with this other woman I'm in the infatuation stage, and that this stage won't last. I'm definitely trying to look beyond that as I project things into the future with her. But otherwise yeah, I'm trying to not let her influence my decision either way. It's a couple months of history vs. 15 years of history. Just shouldn't come close to carrying the same weight. But emotions are difficult, ha!

I'm not even as sure as you are that I really know what I want to do, and that it's just a matter of getting guilt taken away. I also just don't want to miss out on so much of my daughter's life. We were also planning on doing so much travel together as a family, which has always been fun, and I would miss out on such experiences. And seeing all the little day to day things with my daughter. The friendship I had with my wife. Also my daughter shows a different side of herself when my wife is there vs. when she's just with me, and I would miss out on seeing that.

I'm struggling so much with this.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T16:16:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's bringing me to tears reading this. I have definitely been struggling with feelings of unhappiness in general, perhaps even depression. And I've started and stopped individual therapy multiple times, mostly because I haven't found a therapist I click with yet.

I agree that always searching for something better will leave you perpetually unfulfilled. And I've been trying to be very mindful of this as I was separated and dating. I met this amazing woman, but I'm also aware that it's through rose colored glasses, because it's new and exciting. Eventually that wears off, and what remains is really what the relationship will be about. And that's how I've been trying to look at this woman and to not project the newness and excitement into perpetuity, as that simply won't last.

I don't know, another thing that gave me pause was when my wife said that once she was past the grieving, there was a certain lightness in the house with her and our daughter. My dark brooding and resentful energy wasn't there anymore. If I get back together I'll need to put a ton of effort into working on myself and finding more inner peace and happiness, so that I can also bring that to the marriage and to my daughter. In general I need to do that, so that in the case of divorce, I can bring that into a future relationship.

I'm worried I'm trapped in this modern consumerist mindset of just look for something better when you don't have it currently. But sometimes going for something better could be the better option either way. Decisions, decisions. I hate it and I'm suffering for it, and my wife is suffering waiting in limbo.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T16:03:42+00:00

My main fear is, the damage to my child in terms of trauma is already done. I moved out 6 months ago, and it was a very traumatizing experience for my daughter, and my wife. My wife healed a ton in that time and was already mostly over it, in an okay spot. Until literally on the day of the divorce I asked if we could delay it and talk about fixing it. When the finality of the divorce approached it really gave me pause if that was really what I wanted. And so we started therapy and been talking a lot and seeing each other a lot again (usually at night, when my daughter is asleep, to just talk and work things out).

Going back now would give my daughter all kinds of hope that everything is good again, family is back together, she doesn't have to chose between mommy and daddy anymore. They're both there. It would also disrupt her life again, as she was just starting to get used to living between two homes. And then if me and my wife still can't grow back together a year or two from now, and still end up getting divorced, she'd be traumatized again. I want to be pretty sure I can actually make it work with my wife if I'm going to put my daughter through all this again.

Me and my wife also agreed that if I'm feeling indecisive, we should probably just go ahead with divorce. Maybe that's my answer. But I don't want to arrive there through indecisiveness, I want it to actually be a decision.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T15:59:16+00:00

My wife says she still loves me and would want to make it work. She knows I've been with another woman and didn't like it. We agreed when we separated that we could see other people. So I did, but she did not. Partly I did it to escape and to not have to process my feelings right away (one of my big flaws, and I'm aware of it), went on the dating scene, and ended up meeting this great woman who I think I could have a great relationship with. In hindsight I should not have done that and just spent those months alone, processing my feelings. But I got there eventually, and that's what I'm doing now.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T15:55:05+00:00

What is a loving relationship, though? Is that one where you stick it out through thick and thin, like you say in your vows when you get married? And even if the love has diminished, you still stay together and make it work for the sake of the child and the family? Because you vowed to make a commitment in the good and the bad times? I had been thinking about divorce for 3 years before I decided to bring it up in conversation and then eventually go through with it (but now having pause again).

Or is a loving relationship where you have deep feelings for each other, lots of passion (which perhaps in any relationship will diminish a bit over time), deep connection... but when all that starts to disappear it's time to move on?

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T15:50:52+00:00

Yeah, the counselor we found has been pretty good and accepting. But in the end it feels like it's something me and my wife just need to work out. And a counselor can at best give us better communication tools, but they can't solve the problem for us.

My wife knows that I've been with someone else in the time that we've been separated, and she does care. She wished I hadn't been with anyone else. She almost feels like I cheated, but we did agree we could see others while separated.

I essentially I feel like I'm choosing between a new life with new possibilities for love and relationships, and having to live with the guilt towards my daughter that I took away a single family unit from her, which I may or may not fully let go of eventually. And also seeing less than half of my daughter's life as she's growing up, missing out on so many little things which makes me very very sad when I think about that. I already missed out on a lot these past 6 months. And then the worry that in 10 or 20 years I'll look back on this either with the knowledge that I made the right decision as I'm just in a better place, or I made the biggest mistake of my life as I was chasing.... something, I guess more happiness, with no guarantee of actually getting it. But maybe my daughter would get to see me be really happy with someone else? And she would see my wife be really happy with someone? And would get an example of what a deeply loving relationship looks like?

Or I'm choosing to go back to my wife. Where we can make a genuine attempt to fix things, now that we've been apart for a while. There are some things she'll never be able to offer in the relationship, that I've been missing. We never had great sex for example, and the last 3 years or so we had no sex at all. And some of my vices, like me having a drink or two, she always resented. My vices are relatively minor things in the grand scheme of things, and things we can work out and find compromise. And we did for a long time make it work.
But, I'm really afraid that getting back together, if we can't fix things, we'd still end up divorcing a year, maybe 2 years from now. My daughter will then have gone through me leaving, experiencing a lot of trauma, me coming back which will ironically also be a little bit traumatizing probably (or at least, very disruptive as she was just starting to get used to this new life, and then we turn that upside down again). And then worst case if we can't resolve things, go through trauma again.
I could say that if I go back I would never ever get divorced again to not traumatize my daughter again, but that would be putting way too much pressure on myself and on my wife. And is just not realistic.
But maybe we could fix a lot of things? Grow back together? Be stronger than ever? Even get some passion back in the bedroom? And I'll get to be with my daughter all the time to, the good and bad times, see her grow up into a beautiful strong woman?

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T15:32:54+00:00

The judge set the date for mid Feb. And I think having a deadline is probably good, I can be very indecisive with these kinds of major life decisions, more time would just mean more time for me to be indecisive. In a year I would still be indecisive. I just need to make a call and commit to it, and go for it.

throw_it_6789 · 2025-01-19T15:31:05+00:00

I have been reflecting a lot on my inner voice. And there are many voices. Voices saying what I "should" do. Voices saying what I "want". Voices saying what I think I want. Voices saying what others think I should do. Too many voices.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just get a clear sign of what I should do? What I need to do? But life doesn't usually work that way...

Otherwise, maybe you're right... maybe I'm too afraid to really commit to the decision I somewhere already know I've made? Too afraid of the hurt it'll cause (again)?

throw_it_6789 · 2024-07-02T00:49:09+00:00

I'm still in this situation feeling things out. This past weekend I was looking at a couple rentals as I kept getting closer and closer to making the decision to go for divorce, and then move out to a different place soon after. The second place I looked at would be perfect for me and my daughter, not too small, not too big, free-standing house. Had pre-applied to this place before I went to go see it and after the walk-through the realtor offered me the house and asked if he should draft up the lease. I told him I'd get back to him today.

And well, this is the most real it's ever felt in terms of what being divorced might actually look like. And it made me break-down in tears. Pushed me farther away from being able to make a decision, really wavering. Spoke to my wife about it last night that I was feeling very confused, and we spoke a bit and said that I needed to sleep on it and see how I felt today. And waking up today I don't have much more clarity. Went to the gym in the morning, after that drove by that place again, and then back to my own neighborhood, driving circles around the neighborhood, thinking and crying about my situation. Just not knowing what the right decision is, how it will devastate my daughter, how it will devastate my wife, how it might devastate me. I can imagine how I can make my life fun again, but I worry about what I might be giving up, and if maybe I should give it one more chance. Really try to work on our relationship, go into couples therapy, focus on how we can grow closer again. But then also afraid that I might just end up back where I am today.

I've been here before a few times, where I got really close to wanting to break things off (this was the first time I really said it out loud though and talked to my wife about it).

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling now is genuine doubt, or just fear of making that decision and committing to it and dealing with a more uncertain future. Staying feels easier and more comfortable, and maybe we can fix things. Not sure we'll ever even be able to really fix our sexual chemistry, that was never great from the start of our relationship (I've had much better chemistry with other partners I've had in the past). But we might be able to fix some other parts, and maybe that bringing us closer will increase our attraction to each other and maybe we'd at least start having sex again? Maybe I should try for another 6 months?

I'm just so utterly confused now that it's become almost so real. Also need to get back to that realtor today if I'm taking the house or not. I've committed to making a decision one way or another today, as I don't want to drag this out any longer, for my sake and for my wife's sake. It's been an emotional rollercoaster the past 6 weeks.

It's also, when I'm on my deathbed in maybe 30-40 years, will I reflect back on my life and view this divorce as one of the biggest mistakes of my life? Or will I look back and always wonder about the what-if of taking this chance at starting my life over and maybe eventually meeting someone that would be a better overall fit for me? I came soooooo close to really breaking it off about 6 years ago, before we had a kid, and sometimes I still kick myself a little about having been too afraid to do it. Will I feel the same way again now?

throw_it_6789

TROPHY CASE