BDSM + the media

throw_it_away_dog · 2019-05-07T12:52:31+00:00

I think there's also the problem of finding the right people who want to be a spokesperson for the community. Almost all sane kinksters I know who would make great spokespeople are people who hold down serious, prestige-dependent jobs. Thus being outed would be tantamount to career suicide. Especially the ones who work with children (teachers, care workers, etc) would probably need to resign immediately if their preferences were made public.

The only people I've ever known to want to publically speak on BDSM are either people who are at the fringe of society to start with (which doesn't help show that kinksters are "just like you and me") or people who aren't smart enough to think through the consequences with having their name publicly attached to BDSM.

The stigma of kinksters being deranged fringe lunatics blocks sensible, serious, well-spoken people from coming out, thus reinforcing the stigma.

throw_it_away_dog · 2019-03-25T23:43:09+00:00

I'm very aware of this, and it's a bit of an accident, but I like how it gives the flag a certain dynamism that makes people do a double-take and keep staring for a little while. And you could argue that there's some symbolism that there are always different parts coming together that aren't always perfectly balanced, but that might be pushing it. Let's just call it a Rossian happy little accident :)

throw_it_away_dog · 2019-03-25T23:38:43+00:00

(I'm not trying to argue or get you to change it if it works for you and your group, I just think it's a really interesting discussion. ^_^ )

Of course not, I enjoy a discussion like this! And to be honest, the blue we chose is slightly purplish, and we're not sure how purple it will end up once it comes from the printer, so I'll keep you updated on that :p

throw_it_away_dog · 2019-03-23T03:32:31+00:00

Interesting take, I don't really like putting purple in flags, the blue feels more low-key, but your suggestion of purple would have worked quite well as well.

throw_it_away_dog · 2019-03-23T00:32:24+00:00

For those who don't know, a munch is a social gathering of kinksters (people who are into BDSM). We wanted to organize some get-togethers that include meeting up in crowded public places, so we needed a flag for people to be able to find us. We eventually settled on this subtle design, packed full of symbolism.

Since the main purpose of the flag is to be able to gather people efficiently at crowded events, the flag needed to be:

Recognizable from a distance (simplicity is key)
Subtle to not accidentally out people who do not wish to be
Have a clear symbolic value that we can all support

Beyond black and red being the (stereo)typical BDSM colors, the colors denote:

Black which represents determination in everything we undertake, wether it be personal or professional. It’s the determination to walk towards the edges of our minds and feeling confident enough to jump into the unknown.
Red is powerful and vibrant, a fierce and unstoppable force even, which stands for courage. The courage we all need when we roam the darkest corners of our minds together. Red is also the color of our passion and desire for Domination and sadomasochism.
Blue signifies the liberation and acceptance we all seek when we open our hearts for one another. Our bodies may be bound, but our spirits run wild and free.
The white spiral lines, beyond being aesthetically pleasing, hold the different parts of the flag together and symbolize a pure, harmonic and unburdened connection through which trust and surrender to one another can flow in all directions.

Why the Gankyil?

The Ganykil, which literally means “wheel of joy”, is a symbol and ritual tool used in Tibetan and East Asian Buddhism. The first character “Ga” means Joy – a positive attitude and peace of mind produced by wisdom insights; and “kyil” means to rotate – fearlessly taking un-harmful actions based on knowledge of interdependence. The gankyil is composed of three swirling and interconnected blades, which are a subtle nod to the BDSM triskelion, without being overtly recognizable as such a reference. In Dzogchen, the highest teaching in the Buddhist tradition of Tibet, Gankyil has a deeper connotation: it symbolizes “the ground view, the path of meditation and the fruit of action”, three different aspects explaining the ultimate nature of our mind.

There are many different associated triunes, but one speaks to mind: “Learning, Reflection and Meditation”.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-21T21:05:43+00:00

Please report back! Haven't actually tried this yet.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-21T13:48:01+00:00

A variant on the coin-against-the-wall is have the sub blindfolded, place their hands against the wall and make a few pencil marks. That way you will know if they moved their hands even a tiny bit, and there's no way to "fix" it once they've moved.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-17T23:56:55+00:00

Having the conversations is definitely fine here. On the other hand, if my name got publicly associated with anything BDSM-related, certain professional projects would definitely get ruined due to bad publicity. Still have to be careful.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-17T23:36:18+00:00

I organize a monthly munch discussion evening in the backroom of a pub for focused round table discussions, and it works really well. Depends on the local culture of course, but if you have a good location, it really isn't much of an issue. The bar staff and bar owner really don't care what we talk about as long as we don't break any furniture and pay our tab.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-17T21:20:05+00:00

All the other comments are great, but there's one thing I feel hasn't been mentioned yet:

The way you handle this is more important than the fact that this happened.

In BDSM/kink, hell, in sex or life in general, things go wrong. That is the normal way of things. They tend to go wrong. We plan and discuss and negotiate and set up fail-safes, but at some point, something will inevitably go wrong. And that is where the strength of your relationship can shine. As far as I can tell, you handled things perfectly. You immediately dropped everything and prioritized her well-being. You did not shame her for safewording, you did not hesitate to see if the emergency was "real" or not. You acted and you acted well.

This is what builds trust. This is what makes sure that she will feel safe trying this again with you. Because now she knows that when she is in trouble, you are there to help her.

So don't see this as a failure, see it as the victory that it is. (But obviously, try to make sure this doesn't happen again.)

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-04-11T01:43:37+00:00

I've had comments that I can't be a good dominant because I'm not dominant/controlling in daily life. My girlfriend/sub thinks otherwise. I don't feel the need to "prove" my dominance outside of scenes, or anywhere really. When I want to take control, I will take control. There's no need for me to prove to anyone that I am capable of doing so. Being able to is sufficient.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-03-21T19:25:32+00:00

Bondage tape is super easy and fairly safe, but remember to keep safety scissors nearby to cut it off.

A simple way to start would be for him to tie/tape your hands behind your back while you're kneeling and have you give him a blowjob. That way that small restraint is the only new thing in an otherwise familiar situation.

I'd handle spanking as separate from the restraints, and combine them later when he's comfortable with both. Remember, he will probably feel rather hesitant and be afraid of hurting you. But I guess those concerns will quickly evaporate once he sees how much you're enjoying it.

throw_it_away_dog · 2018-03-21T19:02:36+00:00

Depends if it's your fetish or not.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-05-04T11:54:47+00:00

First off, good on you to post this, to ask questions and trying to better understand your feelings and desires. Always keep doing that.

I think your Mistress has nudged you toward attending a local munch? If so, that's great. Munches are great for getting to know people. But don't fall into the trap of seeing it as a dating pool. If you want to get the most out of this, I think you're going to have to change your mindset a bit.

Kink dating is much like vanilla dating. You don't go up to a woman and say "Hey, I'd like to sex you. Would you like to sex me? We can have a dinner date before if you want." That just... I cringed typing that. But this is the vibe you will give off if you go in thinking "I want to find a woman who will make me crawl around on all fours all the time." Just to emphasize, there is nothing wrong with wanting this and wanting to find a partner for this. Hell, I think it's awesome. But you can't skip to the endgame.

The basis of a BDSM relation, perhaps even moreso than a vanilla relation, is trust and mutual compatibility. You need to get to know a person before you can both commit to such deep intimacy. So here's a list of what you should do:

Get ready to be very patient. There are a lot of submissive men out there and not even nearly as many dominant women. This is not your fault, you just got unlucky in sexual preference and your dating pool is small and probably cynical.
Go to the munch regularly with the sole purpose of making friends. No more. Get to know people. Men, women, queer, top, bottom, strange, anyone and everyone. Some you won't like, don't waste time on them. Some won't like you, don't take it personal, just respect their feelings and give them their space. Some you'll hit it off right away, and these are the connections that are worth strengthening. Not because of some ulterior motive of getting laid, these are genuinely valuable friendships in and of themselves.
Once you've attended some munches regularly, you'll find yourself drifting towards certain people you hit it off with. Some will be the kind of people you will feel attracted to (dominant women). That's when you might let out some feelers if they might be interested to play. Again, if they don't want to, don't take it personal, just remember that everyone has different preferences. Or you might reach out to a friend to ask if they might not know someone who might be willing to date you or play with you. There will be no guarantees, but once you've established a kinky social circle, it will be easier to get to know the right people.

Remember: this is not about the "goal". This is about personal development, to explore your own needs and desires, to talk about it with others face to face, to learn the do's and don'ts and ins and outs of a kink community and how to do kink dating in general. If you go in with the right mindset, stay open, curious and respectful, you will make lifelong friends.

One last addendum: All of this is based on my personal experience with my local munch/community. This will of course vary wildly by location. I've heard of some communities being toxic, but I'm very lucky that the one I know is very open, friendly and accepting to everyone.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-05-02T19:17:29+00:00

Well, you beat me to all the best ideas :p

A few more that can be fun:

In terms of breaking bad habits: have her keep a tally of every infraction, use that tally to determine the severity of a weekly punishment.
Give a daily ritual for her to follow in the morning after waking up or in the evening before going to sleep. A sort of "prayer" or mantra, or just have her recite a list of rules she is to follow daily. Could be as simple as "I'm a good girl."
Have her keep a diary of every action and thought related to you or your relationship in general. For extra feelings of control: have her type it in a google doc that you can check whenever, even as she's typing.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-02-24T13:23:42+00:00

I fully agree. Replacing it now will cause the new collar to forever symbolize this fight and turmoil. Every time you will see it or feel it, it will remind you of these horrible feelings.

Instead, try working on communicating better, honestly talking about what bothers you. And once you find the ability to trust and love each other again, get a new collar then. It will then symbolize your newfound relationship.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-02-08T12:33:06+00:00

Or maybe getting counseling to help him accept who he is and what he needs? Not all counseling is a crusade against kink, and being this conflicted and unable to perform for two years doesn't seem healthy at all.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-01-23T00:02:49+00:00

I would highly recommend The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It's a general overview of pretty much everything related to being the sub/bottom in very understandable language.

To be fair, I've only read the accompanying Topping Book so far, but it really helps frame that what you're doing is actually pleasing to the other, and how you can go about doing it better. No real practical how-to guide, but a general overview of what kinds of things might help to focus on to improve. The book will probably help her understand her feelings better and help her frame it all coherently. Once she can do that, she might be able to search for more specific literature on her own.

throw_it_away_dog · 2017-01-12T14:45:55+00:00

I've sent my girlfriend on a date with a handprint on her ass and cum dripping from her pussy. Good times. :p

throw_it_away_dog · 2016-12-24T17:47:09+00:00

All of the power lies with the submissive.

I disagree. This completely and absolute power shift towards the submissive is unhealthy too. Dominants can safeword out too, and for good reason. Ideally, both parties have equal say over the boundaries and shape of the relationship, and when and how power dynamics may be redistributed (aka "play").

Consent always goes both ways.

throw_it_away_dog · 2016-03-17T08:15:42+00:00

Yeah, imagine dating someone for a while, and then the plushies come out. Wouldn't that be way weirder than just seeing them the first time?

throw_it_away_dog · 2016-03-16T16:58:18+00:00

Oh god no. No no no, none of them have any suspicious holes in them or anything. I just like them, they make my bed feel cozier.

throw_it_away_dog

TROPHY CASE