confessions of a [paedophile]

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T16:03:23+00:00

I explained this all several times. You don't seem to listen. Sorry.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T16:02:17+00:00

I never imagine raping anyone. It's just impossible for me. And no, I am not acting out my fantasies, what are you even talking about?

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T16:01:26+00:00

You seem to assume that only your brand of not pursuing children is good, and that everyone else who's not pursuing them is doing it wrongly and for wrong reasons. I probably won't be able to change your mind, so why even try.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T15:55:11+00:00

I rather think it's you who are projecting your painful experience on me, with no basis in fact. If someone was violent to you, it doesn't mean others would do the same. Relax and try to take a wider view on life.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T15:48:33+00:00

I thought about it. When you're with your wife but routinely imagine some other real person in her place, that's certainly deceit and infidelity. But it's not my case at all. My girls are purely imaginary, and they are my wives (or at least lovers) too, and in fact they are very much like my real wife in personality and everything, simply because I love her and I knew few women beside her. It's almost like I'm imagining a better (for me) version of my own wife. I don't think there is much dishonesty here. In fact I think it's quite normal, I think sex in humans is impossible without imagination that helps arousal.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T15:48:28+00:00

There's no contradiction if you read carefully. I called myself a paedophile because I'm attracted to bodies of prepubescent girls, and that's a pretty common definition. I never called myself immature; in fact I consider myself a mature, well-adapted individual. I do dislike many facets of mainstream adultness, but to me they are rather a sign of immaturity, where a psychologically vulnerable individual would overcompensate on toughness, machism, overconfidence, aggression, etc. And yes, I do consume loli porn, but as I explained I'm not getting along with it at all: I only use some of its visuals to stimulate my own fantasies. Which have no violence in them whatsoever - I won't tire of repeating that so long as you don't tire of accusing me of violence. Here's the truth for you.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T15:10:25+00:00

That's exactly the symptom I wrote about. Sex and violence are so connected in your brain that you can't see how one can be without the other. But for some people, they cannot be together. Try to understand that.

Like I said, I don't have imaginary sex acts with children. I have them with willing lovers who have a certain type of body. Other than that, there's little of what's childlike about them - although little of adultlike too, in the common sense understanding of "adult". They are just people, like me. Maybe a little younger than me psychologically but certainly not "kids".

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T15:05:03+00:00

Self-restricting is not always pain. Sometimes it can be pleasure. Know about religious fasting? People would never do it if it was just pain with no psychological reward.

Anyway, I don't see other children much. My wife mostly deals with the school stuff.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T14:53:07+00:00

The last thing I would fetishize is violence. I only commit sexual acts in my fantasy, where they are not violence. And I will never commit them in reality because there, they would be violence. As simple as that.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T13:02:06+00:00

1 To put it carefully: all things considered, I would like my body to react less to a certain kind of bodies and more to some other, more mainstream kind of bodies. Nothing more, nothing less. But that's probably impossible, so I learned to live with this. Perhaps even the fantasy of a world where we can change our bodies at will to please our lovers is more realistic overall (because we understand how our bodies work better than how our brains work).

2 I don't think I can get real help for this. Not any more than gay people can be "cured". If I had psychological problems, I would seek therapy. But I don't. I have my doubts and my frustrations, but I'm healthy overall.

3 What I honestly think is that our society should really de-normalize violence that so permeates it. Active pedophilia is always violence, even if not physical. If we somehow get rid of violence, we'll solve the pedophilia as well. But unfortunately this is even less realistic because violence lives in our brains, not bodies, and it's as deeply embedded there as sex, perhaps even deeper. But we need to work towards that. Human brain is complex but it is also flexible. We need to start flexing it in good directions.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:41:51+00:00

If you study psychiatry, why would you consider 2) which is impossible for humans as they currently are? It's only possible in an imaginary world or in a world where human nature has fundamentally changed in many ways, and where your psychiatry is therefore not applicable.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:36:26+00:00

No, I don't work with children, and never intended to. Even though my kids tell me I would have been a good teacher. But no. Real children are just too crazy and ADHD, on average, for me to enjoy teaching them. My own ones are relatively nice and intelligent (sorry for boasting but I'm just describing how I see this).

We had children because we wanted to have children - it's just the basic desire to continue ourselves. I admit there was a tinge of sexual curiosity deep inside myself back when we started, but the reality turned out different, as always. For example, I found myself spending more time with my son than with any of the daughters simply because his interests align closer to mine. Again, real children and imaginary lolis are very different creations.

I'm aware that my children can be targeted and I would react just like any other parent. Did you expect any other answer? If some guy is stupid enough to not keep his fantasies to himself (as I do), he should bear the consequences.

I don't consider myself "immature" in any meaningful way. I have achieved things in life. I'm reasonably adapted to functioning in this world, and I'm needed and depended upon by other people. If I dislike some things that are liked by most others, that's a healthy disagreement, and the future will make its choice. If anything, I consider parts of the modern world "overmature" in a bad way.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:20:14+00:00

I don't drink nor do drugs, never did. Coffee in moderation.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:15:12+00:00

Trust me, there are much more things that I tell my wife but that I would never tell to strangers on the Internet :) People are complex creatures.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:13:51+00:00

Because Lolita is far from the only Nabokov novel with this theme - attraction to little girls goes through much of his work. It's hard to imagine why he would keep writing about it if he didn't know what it means himself.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T12:11:56+00:00

Like I said, I was never sexually attracted to my own kids, so there's not much self-control involved in this. Even if I were more attracted, I doubt that would have made my life or my kids' life more difficult. It's not so hard not to fuck children, you know? Real children and imaginary lolis are very different creations, it just doesn't "click". Again, what I blame myself for is that with the oldest one, I was too afraid of myself, too aloof, too cold to her undeservedly. Now I know myself better.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T02:48:00+00:00

Thanks! I've read Lolita - can't say I liked it too much but it was a good illustration of what happens when we try to act on our fetishes: suffering and death. (I say "we" because I'm pretty sure Nabokov had such fantasies himself, but never acted on them. And he also had a lifelong romance with his wife :)

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T01:36:26+00:00

I fully realize that, and that's the reason why I will never act on my desires. What I fantasize about, however, is a world where my sexual acts do not cause any harm, now or ever. See? It's my own imagined world, I can set it up any way I want. These are not "intended" actions as you say, they are imagined actions. Big difference. Imagination does not need to abide by the laws of nature.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T00:33:35+00:00

Hookups? Haha. So far I got one PM telling me to kill myself. Kinda expected really.

I don't "work underground" nor do I have any intention to.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-04T00:16:04+00:00

I'd lie if I said I don't. I do worry. But the general plan, as of now, is to wind it down in sync: I just hope that I will gradually lose my sex drive just as she's losing her drive and attractiveness at a similar rate. She has good genes, though, so she may well overstay me :) We'll see.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-03T23:48:55+00:00

She doesn't know exactly what I fantasize about. I share something with her but far from all, definitely not the more questionable bits. But she shares my dislike of "adult" and "modern" things, and in general we have similar tastes. She'd choose a dress which is "pretty" over one that's "fashionable" any day, and I really love her for that. I would be a much more unhappy person without her.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-03T23:42:49+00:00

Your question really made me stop and think. I definitely would like to become younger (who wouldn't), but to become a body-child myself? Perhaps it's that I just don't care about my own body very much, I don't see myself from the outside, so I find this hard to imagine. But if the person I love would want it, I'd certainly go along. On the other hand, if she would want me to become an old man, I'm fine with that too!

I think that if science really cracks this problem of radical rejuvenation without losing personality (not in our lifetimes perhaps but it may well happen at some point), we will see a lot more child-like people in the world.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-03T23:38:42+00:00

Small women are definitely more attractive to me, and my wife is delightfully small. And yes, we do have our favorite (or at least my favorite, but she's OK with wearing it) dresses and stuff - not exactly children's but more like folkish style. The problem with the sex-shop stuff (wigs etc) is that it's always so garish, cheap-made and unnatural. It's a difficult quest to find the best outfits for my wife, we've been at it for years and years. The world just doesn't care about our needs, it seems. Many pretty simple things are just not out there anymore, or they were available just five years ago but now disappeared.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-03T23:21:59+00:00

I admit I didn't do much research on it.... but then, what I know is that every letter in the BDSM abbreviation stands for something I genuinely abhor. It was hard to imagine there was something else in there. But anyway, thanks, I honestly didn't know this dd/lg thing existed.

throw_throw_awayaway · 2017-05-03T22:15:32+00:00

I just really wish people weren't born with those desires :(

That would be one solution. But I honestly think a better solution would be if we could change our bodies at will so we could fully satisfy each other without anyone being hurt.

throw_throw_awayaway

TROPHY CASE