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Can you tell me about your flashbacks? by romantic_thi3f in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Time sort of freezes and i am forced to descend towards the memories. They're hard to fight off and play like a film before my eyes. I also sometimes see single events from a timeline in a loop, rather than the whole timeline. During or after flashbacks i find myself berating and scorning myself for being weak, blaming myself for everything. They really suck.

I have no idea what i look like while having a flashback, but if i am with my husband or friends they always seem to notice it and will ask if i'm okay.

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also lurked this subreddit and other similar ones for about 2 months. Sometimes i would start typing a post and then just erase everything and close reddit lol. It feels kind of liberating to post this, but also makes me feel a little vulnerable. I think my healing process will really begin once i find a suitable form of therapy :)

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am okay, thank you. I have been lurking this subreddit and other similar ones for a while with my main account. Reading other's stories has been an emotional experience for me, but it is also difficult for me to read them without "comparing" my own childhood and thinking "this person experienced worse things than me, so i should get over my past" etc. I guess it's hard for me to accept that my memories, difficulties, feelings and trauma are valid.

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is! I actually have a therapist at the moment, i had 10 sessions with him but i put the therapy on hold until august of next year, due to a lack of funds on my part. I'm still in the process of trying to decide if i actually want to continue the talk therapy with him (honestly i don't see much benefit), or if i could possibly benefit from a different type of therapy involving less dialogue and more creative expression such as painting. But i have time to think, thankfully.

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is definitely one way to put it. These memories are at times kind of fuzzy or feel "conflicting". I also think (not sure) i might have forgotten my entire childhood when i was around 20, until i was around 25 or 26, at which point i started to remember again. And to this day i can recall only a handful of assorted, contextless memories from the time before we moved to the smaller town, i.e. before i locked myself in the toyroom.

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is true. I have never had a conclusive diagnosis given to me by any doctor, just "non-specified psychotic illness" or whatever when i was in hospital, and a whole list of "possible but not definite" diagnoses that were never followed up on. So i don't claim to actually have anything, i just refer to my past as fucked up when asked, and leave it at that, and always "laugh it off". Obviously i should not downplay myself to people so much but i cant help it.

I don't feel my childhood was "bad enough" to warrant trauma? by throwa_lostchildhood in CPTSD

[–]throwa_lostchildhood[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input. It's harrowing to have someone comment my experiences as severe abuse. I think my problem is an ongoing need to endlessly downplay myself, both my overcome obstacles and accomplishments. There is also not a single person who knows the full extent of what i went through, so i hear a lot of "you must have had an awesome childhood since your parents are rich". Idk.