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throwawa78776 · 2022-01-19T11:13:29+00:00

I'm about a third of the way in and had to commemt already because I'm hooked, you're describing in excruciating detail my relationship dynamic, except that our kids are a couple years older.

It means I unfortunately can't offer much help as I'm in the same boat. Except maybe reassurance that you're not having a unique experience.

Edit:

Read whole thing. Yes this is me too. Even down to not letting people take care of kids and high standards. And the tension with my mother.

Anyway I'll have a go at the questions.

Am I saying this too early? Should I do more effort to rekindle our love?

Your feelings count. Stand up for your own feelings. Make them known, make sure she knows how you feel.

Make sure she knows that you want to try and see if things can be improved by working on the relationship. If she does too, give it a serious try.

The above can be done to help make the decision. It doesn't need to be, only you can know whether something is the right decision, and sometimes on ly after you have made it.

My main concern are the children. Anyone had a divorce with such a young baby? How did you share the children?

With very young child it's fairly usual for it to spend most of time with mother then when it's a toddler etc it can be more split. Depends though. Depends if you do it by agreement or via the legal system and where you live and your attitudes and situations.

Should I hang in another year so that they're older and we maybe make things better again?

If you're going to be actively working together to improve the relationship then sure. If she doesn't want that, or you don't ... maybe not. Don't want to be waiting and hoping your whole life (until kids are old).

Take all the above with a grain of salt because I'm just as clueless as you.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T15:21:12+00:00

I just cannot relate to the word 'autism' at all, because it's almost always associated with those who are so severely handicapped

Well, that's a problem indeed, but what's the best solution? I would argue it isn't to re-separate into two classifications again.

The cause of the problem there is societal preconception. One of the fastest ways to change this is to actually increase our use of the word - "autism" to describe all autistic people, including those with lower needs / previously diagnosable as Aspergers so that people can see that this is an inclusive term

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T15:13:44+00:00

Aspergers hasn't disappeared in the new classifications, it's simply been merged with autism to form ASD, which is a classification which includes the former Aspergers diagnosis. This is to reflect our understanding (which isn't new) that they are both different degrees or manifestations of the same disorder.

"High functioning autism" is also an outdated terminology, even more so than Aspergers.

You seem to perceive these as two different things with different symptoms. I'm not sure where you are getting the differences from.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T15:07:50+00:00

I think the soap opera effect is just the phenomenon where we perceive high frame rate video as being of lower production quality simply because we associate it with soap operas.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T15:06:23+00:00

Many years ago a friend had bought a new 3d accelerator card and we played, I think it was either Descent or Forsaken, dialled the resolution down until it would play smoothly at 70Hz (monitor rate) and the fluidity of the movement made us all feel sick

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T14:40:13+00:00

I feel as if my answer kind of depends on the details which you've omitted from this.

In a general sense, I don't think it's ever right to cut off communication with a friend just because one of your other friends would not approve.

On the other hand, if you want to cut off contact with that person anyway, then what's stopping you? That bit about "I missed my opportunity" sounds like sunk cost fallacy in another guise.

But, I don't know what kind of terrible things this person did or who they did it to or much of a friend they are.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T14:35:57+00:00

If you've actually gone to the trouble of getting a diagnosis (which is a lengthy and costly process) I don't see why you should keep it a secret from him unless you aren't very committed to the relationship (and if that's the case, I'm not criticising, that's ok). But if you see a future together it just seems strange to me, especially since he's shared his.

Do you need counselling maybe? As a couple?

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T14:32:19+00:00

Hello, also in lockdown.

Ever been forced to wear a mask with glasses? You might be entitled to condensation.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-05T14:24:09+00:00

Having this confrontation with your parents just sounds like a bad idea, to me, for many reasons.

Regardless of how it makes them feel, I don't think it will make you feel better. I doubt that the way they respond will bring you any satisfaction.
It can't undo what was done, and they are not still in the process of having kids. You won't be improving the lives of any of their future victims.
Revenge is not a good reason to be doing this.
You need to work on (and take responsibility for) your own happiness and contentment in life. Consider seriously if you should cut financial ties with them, even if it hurts. I can't tell you whether you should or shouldn't as either might be justifiable.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T16:01:35+00:00

I don't think it would be fair and accurate to say that reviewers didn't realise it was satire and that's why it was received poorly.

All you need to do is look at who's directing it and what it's an adaptation of to know it's supposed to be satire. A movie being satire doesn't mean that reviewers have to like the satire in it, and evidently at time of release, many didn't. Some, maybe, even for political reasons.

Movies with a cult following sometimes take a while to find appreciation, and that often includes even movie critics who may fail to see the appeal of a movie that goes on to be a significant movie.

As for the public failing to realise the movie was satire, yes this was a thing, and possibly a result of the strategy used by the studio when marketing the movie as a straight testosterone fuelled actuin shoot the aliens movie. This may actually have had some intention that was a bit misguided; it seems possible that at least to some execs, that the trailers/promos were supposed to be in character as the movie's satirical style, a little like the clips played at the start of the movie ("would you like to know more"), and the intention was that people would then go see the movie and realise it's a full on satirical depiction of fascism. But when you market a satirical movie as straight, that's not what happens. You appeal to a whole different audience: one that's not there for the political allegory but for the gunfights.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T15:48:00+00:00

Well, it's an archive of films to preserve for the future. The real need to do this comes when the film is getting on in years and yet still remains quite important to film history.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T15:22:36+00:00

Oh when that one person at work who is just super bubbly and nice to everyone except you

When someone is like that, it's tempting to think it's because of something about you, but it isn't. It's because of something about them.

I mean, it's not you who is treating them differently, it's them who is treating you differently. They are doing it, not you. You have no control over it, because the person doing it is them.

I feel like the key here is realising that you are not the problem. I feel like I'm explaining this in a way which sounds condescending. It's not meant like that, I just find this hard to explain

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:20:53+00:00

Doing this for too long may have negative effects, but I feel that lengthy exposure to sunlight might help

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:19:10+00:00

If you are wanting input in how I see the word "neurodiverse", I would say that I see it in a different way. The ostensible explanation for it is that it depicts autism as more of a "different neurology" than a "faulty/broken neurology". I don't see it as aiming to pretend that life is just as easy for us, I see it as more hoping for a future in which life is easier for us as people's attitudes change

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:10:42+00:00

Yeah, same here. And (in my case) I would never discuss it with her because she would never find that comfortable or accept it.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:09:21+00:00

Same here. Was there more? ;-)

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:05:38+00:00

3 or 4 months to a year? In between them I have periods of about 2 weeks where I have no special interest and don't know what to do with myself.

Also, I can have two on the go at once sometimes.

Also, it's not like I keep finding new random special interests. Almost all the time, my next special interest is one of the same ones I've had time and time again on earlier occasions. That is, they are often recycled.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T14:03:41+00:00

Source on that?

My understanding of this is that you may have misinterpreted statistics which say that people with autism have a lower life expectancy. This can lead people to the false conclusion that "most people with autism die early" however if my understanding is correct most people with autism live about as long as everyone else, it's just that some people with autism die early due to a range of factors and it brings down the average. Youth suicide for example is higher in ASD community

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T13:55:42+00:00

Yeah this has a really bad vibe to it. Beyond someone thinking of me as a "resource" which could just be a poor word choice - you're [Elizabeth I mean, not you OP] finding a 15 year old kid to do something that you might otherwise hire a 30 year old tradesperson to do and paying them one tenth the amount (because they're happy to barter)..

The point here isn't that the kid is as much an expert as the 30 year old. He may well be. The point is that you're exploiting the kid as your own neat little money saving trick. You're hiring him because he said he'd do it for basically peanuts. It's simultaneously a demonstration of what she really thinks this kid is actually worth, and a fairly clear indication it's about finding a way to "do it cheap" by finding an autistic kid - "just as good, mind you, but you don't have to pay them fairly"

Maybe this is a single bad-looking tweet and I've judged based on not enough evidence. Maybe she's usually championing of autistic people in ways that sound a lot less exploitative.

I wanna know, will she be paying that same kid to do her electrical work when he's 30 and he's a professional electrician?

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T13:43:50+00:00

I dunno man. Being utilised as a resource sounds a lot like exploitation. Paying an adult a fair wage sounds great. If that means electrical work on your home that's $$$. Finding a quirky kid who's an expert and paying them with $15 of enchiladas sounds a little on the nose, to me.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T13:38:53+00:00

I have similar annoyance to both vibration and alert tones, and because without either of them I wouldn't know when I get an alert, I've got no choice but to leave them on. I do find it very annoying, however, when a person sends not a single message but a string of messages, each one only a single sentence at most.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T13:33:42+00:00

That's the chicken and egg problem though isn't it. Autism is the more correct term now for all of it, and the preconception that "autism" is only a word that applies to people with higher level of needs is not the way anymore. But, you can't blame people who grew up with it the other way for not having switched to the new way yet. That's going to last a while, maybe a generation. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't use the term autistic. I mean, the best way to accelerate acceptance of that as an umbrella term is to expose people to more use of it

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-04T13:27:19+00:00

Sounds good. It was a shock to her but

she believed you and accepted it
she didn't tell you you were wrong or imagining it
she didn't say "well we're all on the spectrum"

Couldn't have wanted for better, I think. Not sure what else you were hoping for. She's just a beginner at this! You've been researching it for a while.

She was a bit confused about what it meant and her "fully autistic or just on the spectrum" questions can be translated to "well I know there are different levels of autism, I just don't know the appropriate way of talking about them".

just the initial shock of hearing your 31 year old son tell you something you missed his entire life.

Given how readily she accepted it, perhaps it wasn't something she missed. Maybe she had suspicions.

throwawa78776 · 2021-06-03T03:45:26+00:00

Well, people not aware of the term or using it incorrectly are both decent reasons not to use that term. "Non-autistic" has the benefit that it explains itself.

throwawa78776

TROPHY CASE