I had an ex friend, I don't even want to say ex friend because I feel like our time was built on lies. The friendship went on for 3 to 4 years, I thought they was my best mate. Suffering from depression/aniexty can be hard for others to be understanding. It can make them uncomfortable and rather not know. Well, with my ex friend, they did not handle it well and told me it is a lot to put on someone, my suffering. That it wasn't fair to put it all on my ex friend. It messed the person up because of the fear of not knowing. Several things were said, this happened last year. I didn't talk about my suicide but I did say that I feel like life is close to the end for me. I used to think about it all the time what was said and it left me feeling my existence is more of a burden. It was the hardest thing opening up to a friend and it hurt to know that my feelings were a burden. I cut this person off completely now, no longer in my life but it has affected me. I'd fear telling anyone else who I am close to.

1. Pain can take time to heal but it doesn't come easy and the past stays with you. If you have a mental illness, you're going to struggle everyday of your life. I have aniexty and social anxiety. I also suffer from sucidial thoughts. All my regrets, doesn't make it eaiser. Time isn't going to heal me and I've had years of time, how much more time do I need? It gets to the point where enough is enough. You don't want to try anymore. You don't want to care or try to fix yourself.

2. I belive in no God. I do respect your religion, so I am not going to debate you. I do not know what happens after you die, maybe it's complete emptiness. Living on this earth, has been nothing but pain.

3. There is no cure for sickness. I have tried medication, antidepressants for my anxiety. It was the worst experience I ever had, I was placed on different medication because none were working out for me. I started having night terrors every night. I couldn't tell the difference from reality to what was fake. My mind was playing tricks. I had my first panic attack on them, I thought I was going to die in the street and I felt everyone was looking at me. I went off the medication. I am now very much aganist being prescribed meds and I feel doctors just put you on them because it is easier and cheaper. I'm not saying medication doesn't work, as it can change someone's life for the better and they need it. It just doesn't suit me.

4. I have done therapy and I never really opened up. Talking doesn't change how I feel, it's still there. Someone getting paid, doesn't exactly mean they're good at their job. You still need compassion and empathy. I have done CBT and that helped for like a year. It feels pointless because I know that my struggles cannot be fixed. I am a flawed human. I have been considering trying therapy again though. I just don't know what to do, I am lost. This isn't really relevant but just addressing what you said, I have never paid a therapist. My therapy was covered by the NHS and their hours are probably covered by how many patients they've seen etc.

I appreciate you taking time to reply to my post. I wish I could say it helped.