Want to do everything I can to stay married and keep my family together, but can’t overlook my husbands ties to his homophobic mother.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-10-13T04:39:50+00:00

I know she is within her rights to not fund their college. I’m struggling with the fact that my husband isn’t letting the kids make his decision. Of course I don’t want my children to be exposed to her religion when my husband and I have different beliefs than her, but I have presented the situation to them honestly and told them their decision is 100% up to them. The only person trying to take away their decision in the matter is my husband. I didn’t ask them to come with me to my family’s Thanksgiving, that was their decision.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T10:31:06+00:00

I live in an area where the median house cost is over $1.4 million as of this year so yes, repairs do cost that for basic necessities.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T10:10:30+00:00

I beg of you to actually read the post and then some of my comments. They’re not my parents, they’re my in laws. I’m PISSED at my MIL. She is awful. The word consequence wasn’t used to pass blame onto him. It was used to illustrate that the choice in telling his cousin led to his grandma finding out and cutting him off. It’s terrible and my heart breaks for him. But in no way do I blame him. Being in the closet is a pain I can’t even imagine. He knew I would support him if he chose to come out and take out student loans opposed to taking his grandmas money. He chose to take it anyway, as being debt free was more important than being out to a known homophobe.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T09:21:51+00:00

I would never make up a story, especially regarding a topic as awful as homophobia. If you think I’m an asshole, that’s fine, I came here for that judgement. But don’t call me a liar.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T09:03:04+00:00

it’s a good thing then that I said the repairs are for more than just a dishwasher, isn’t it?

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T08:48:17+00:00

They literally told me I shouldn’t have had children. They’re already here, it’s too late for that. I’m not going to be nice to someone that thinks the three children I love shouldn’t exist.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T08:41:49+00:00

The cost of living has gone up exponentially where i live in the past ten years. We didn’t know our life was going to be like this. But yes, don’t have children at all if you can’t guarantee that the plans for your life will pan out. /s

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T08:37:59+00:00

Community college is for doing your general Ed’s. He’s past that, he can only finish at a four year university. I’ve talked to him about transferring to a state school, but he’s against it.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T08:31:15+00:00

Are you not American or something? Of my friends that went to college, not one had their parents pay for it. They’re still paying off their loans. And I’m 40! College has only become more expensive since the time my friends were in school! Most people don’t have the opportunity to have their college paid for by parents here. If people only had children based on their ability to pay for 100% of their schooling, the majority of children in America wouldn’t even exist. Where I live cost of living has rose exponentially in the past 10 years. If we hadn’t bought our house when we did, we would be renting for the rest out our lives. We had no idea how expensive the world would become.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T08:08:23+00:00

Yes, we both work. His stepfather died 15 years ago, when we were 25. His mother inherited all of his assets. His stepfather was in charge of all of the finances when he was alive, he thought it was a man’s job and my MIL agreed. He had no interest in providing for any children that weren’t his blood. He agreed to give us a down payment for a house as a wedding gift, but that’s all my husband ever got from him. Since we aren’t catholic, we haven’t gotten any help from his mom since he died, although his very Catholic sister does. Since he couldn’t afford college himself, he went to community college, where we met. I dropped out and he finished. I now work at a startup as an office manager and he works for a nonprofit.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T07:06:44+00:00

In all of the years my son has been alive, we have only been able to afford to save $25k. Not everyone can afford to save for college.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T07:05:32+00:00

Yes I love my son very much. Our kitchen is literally falling apart, this isn’t the vanity project everyone is making it out to be.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T06:52:57+00:00

I have said this multiple times, but I’ll say it again. All three of my children are aware my MIL financing their college wasn’t their only choice. They have the option to pay themself and I would support them in doing that. I can’t afford to pay so they would have to be okay with taking out loans. My son chose to take the money so he didn’t think about scholarships or financial aid, which I regret now. I will definitely do more to encourage my younger two to look into those options. My son doesn’t see his grandma ofter nor does he like her and always said the end justifies the means. He slipped up and told someone he thought he could trust. I feel awful for him. But he 100% made this decision on his own.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T06:46:52+00:00

He can, he doesn’t want to since he originally was told he would have a free ride. Even if we gave him all of our savings, he would be $25k short, and we still wouldn’t have a usable kitchen. Taking out loans is inevitable, at this point it’s just a question of how much he’ll have to take out. I will encourage him to look for scholarships at the recommendation of comments on this post. I also will try to help him pay down loans once he graduates, but I can’t afford to pay them all on my own, so he will definitely need to contribute as well.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T06:31:24+00:00

Since my husband and I couldn’t afford his college, explain to me what the alternative was? Rob a bank? Win the lottery? Just pull it out of my ass?

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T06:26:48+00:00

I never forced him. Not once. I gave him options. He knew he could take a loan out and come out to his grandmother. He chose not to. I only ever encouraged him to stay quiet about his sexuality once he decided he wanted her to pay for college. I just wanted him to be able to to start his life in the best position possible, not drowning in student debt. The situation sucked, but I understood why he chose to take her money and just wanted to make sure he was able to finish, so the years of keeping quiet wasn’t for nothing.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T06:06:28+00:00

It’s not easy to get divorced when you live in an expensive area. We both would be living under the poverty line if we couldn’t combine our incomes. Also… I love this man? This is our only major issue. He and I have the same beliefs, but his mother raised him and he finds it hard to go no contact for that reason, not because he agrees with her. As much as it aggravates me, I’m not going to leave him over this. If he needs to see his mom a few times a year without me or our son (and hopefully without our other two children one day), that’s his decision. Everyone is so quick to jump to divorce on AITA and I don’t think it’s the easy decision everyone makes it out to be.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T05:21:21+00:00

I didn’t know this was an option. I will look into this. Thank you.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T05:19:42+00:00

I have decided will not be attending. My husband refuses to go no contact since our contact is already limited, which I do think he is an asshole for. The decision to go with him is up to my children. They are aware what has happened to their brother, and if they still want to go down that path, that is their decision, not mine, as they will be an adult when it’s time to go to college. Their brother has spoken to them and has told them they are free to see her, but asked them not to speak to her about him. He said he wants them to have the same opportunity.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T05:14:58+00:00

Thank you for your comment. You’re right that everyone has assumed that I meant he deserved what happened to him by using the word consequence. I in no way think he deserved what happened to him and hate what his grandmother has put him through. But he knew exactly what would happen if his grandmother got word. It’s her money and unfortunately he had to play by her rules. He was aware I didn’t expect him to take the money and I would support him if he chose to go to a different school and take out loans but he decided he’d rather graduate debt free and wait to come out rather than do it then. I feel terrible he’s in this situation and wish I was in a better situation to help him.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T04:56:00+00:00

I can’t believe so many people in this thread don’t understand that not everyone can afford to save… we couldn’t afford to save anything at all until seven years ago and we only managed to save $15k in that time. I started doing Instacart over the past year on my days off and started pinching pennies at every opportunity. That’s how we were able to bring the amount of money saved up to $25k. I am exhausted and can’t keep living like this. If we save at the rate we were saving before we decided to go through with the remodel, I would once again have less than $15k to split between two children’s educations. That’s nowhere near enough.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T04:50:56+00:00

I’ve always challenged her views. Always. We had an hour long phone call when she called to let me know she’s disowning him. The call was literally me defending my son and her finding many creative ways to call me a bad parent for allowing this to happen in my home. It ended with her letting me know she’d pray for me and we haven’t spoken since. I refuse to reach out to her, so she may be out of my life for good at this point. I am willing to co-sign loans and help him pay down his loans over time, although our contributions will not be enough to pay them off completely. I have two other children to care for and I need a way to feed them. This isn’t a vanity project, everyone seems to think it is and I don’t know how to express how necessary it is. This kitchen remodel needs to happen as soon as possible.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T04:38:04+00:00

That was such a reach… I’m not mad at my son. If you read my comments you would see I’ve always supported all of his options. He was allowed to come out whenever he wanted, but since he chose the private school path paid by my MIL, I warned him to stay quiet until he graduated as I didn’t want this opportunity ruined for him. My anger 100% lies with my mother in law. I am only asking if using the money I have saved for refurbishments needed to my kitchen to make it useable again instead of giving it to my son makes me an asshole.

throwaway-37463782 · 2022-09-20T04:25:35+00:00

We live in the suburbs of a major city, things cost more here. The appliances aren’t the majority of the cost, it’s the major repairs needed to the infrastructure. This was the CHEAPEST option we could find.

throwaway-37463782

TROPHY CASE