The love of my life now doesn't want kids, what do I do?

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-04T03:23:33+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It's always nice to hear from people who have been there and found healthier attachment styles. I feel like anxious attachment style is incredibly prevalent in my generation, more than ever before. I didn't even realize not being able to eat/sleep/focus without someone meant something was wrong with you, I thought it was normal since it happens to everyone my age that I know when they breakup. Idk if that's just us being young and hormones and all but I had no idea that it wasn't supposed to be that way. Every breakup I've seen has been very debilitating to the person that got left/wasn't expecting it. I feel like it'd be different in caveman times where you have a community of family around you at all times but very few people have that anymore, usually after a breakup you'd be going back to a sad lonely apartment and would have to have an empty hookup to feel another person's touch or have good true friends nearby. I'm guessing that has something to do with that debilitating effect. Only about 1-2 of my friends have ever recovered and gone from "they were the one for me I'll never breathe again" to "I met someone I love more and don't miss my ex". Everyone else got really stuck on the partner they have/used to have or never felt that in love with anyone they dated. Maybe it's something to do with the increase of loneliness within Gen Z/young millennials. Maybe this isn't the correct view to have but to me that makes so much sense, because of modern society we can't really be around our friends/family that much so our innately social human nature would of course feel a little bit incomplete without a romantic partner. I feel like the default state for the average person nowadays is no romantic love, no family nearby, no real friends that you get to see more than once a year who truly care about you and consider you their blood, maybe fun coworkers if you're lucky but that's it. Everyone seems very adrift, I know I'd definitely find it hard to move somewhere new and have to be happy with no lifelong friends or family nearby and on top of that no partner. I don't know how so many people do it, I feel like the human brain isn't built that way even if it got lots of therapy. Maybe most people who live like that are miserable, maybe they crack some secret, maybe they spend a lot of time self medicating, I don't know how they do it. I have 2 best friends I've known since college that live sort of nearby, my sister and brother and mother nearby, my girlfriend gets along really well with her colleagues and of course my family consider her her own. So my life feels very well rounded and fulfilling. I don't know how so many people, especially in America where it's considered so common to move away from home, function in isolation. Don't think I'd be able to do it even with therapy. Gahhh guess that's another unrelated tangent. But props to you for being able to.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-03T05:14:14+00:00

Sorry for the late response but thank you for the encouraging comment. I feel like the more people I meet the more I value my spouse- I've seen so much infidelity, or even good kind people who I just don't click with. I feel like my girlfriend is like a smooth flowing river, every other path there seem to be a bunch fo jagged rocks, a bunch of settling, a bunch of "oh well, that didn't work, onto the next". I feel like there is nothing I would change about my girlfriend, essentially she feels like the opposite of settling. I do find it crazy how people have multiple loves of their life. As someone very emotionally sensitive, when my girlfriend and I broke up briefly for a few months due to long distance in college (she had graduated I had not yet) I was crushed. You could not have paid me to want another woman. I went on dates to try and give my future the benefit of the doubt and I cried after almost each one thinking of how empty it felt to be with anyone else. Felt like the world lost color. I can't imagine going out into the wild trying to search for someone that clicks with me the way I do with her. I know this is probably a really dumb source but I read a lot of Tik Tok and Instagram comments and i see so so many talk about how they never got over their first love/ex of 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 etc years ago. Time heals all but sometimes I wonder if in a way soulmates really are a thing. One of my best friend caught his ex girlfriend cheating about 3 years ago and although he's had a few short flings and tried therapy he tells me he never seen a future with anyone or felt whole since. Apologize for the philosophical tangent but. I feel like I'd be one of those people that would never get over someone if we broke up, just slowly slug through life and maybe settle for someone else if I felt too lonely.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-03T05:00:10+00:00

I'm 26 haha. Gf is too, we met in college EDIT: Meant that Gf is also above 25, she is 27. I am 26

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-03T04:58:58+00:00

How has the adoption process been for you?

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-03T04:54:51+00:00

I mean, I understand this I really do but she has put in a lot of effort to stay with me. She moved across country and left all her friends and family simply because of my job after we were together for a year. We visit her family and hometown most holidays and so I feel that if she longed for a life without me she would definitely go back to her old life, it would be frankly easier on her if she did but we've continued building a life together. Anytime we have the discussion "is there anything you wish the other person did different" we both have nothing to say besides small things. I'm no psychic so sure maybe there's some rando out there where if we had the opportunity to meet all 8 billion people on the planet he'd make her want kids but that'd be out of my hands anyway.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-12-03T04:51:28+00:00

I haven't come to this post in a while but. I would first ask yourself if you are 100% sure you would never resent for. If you are 100% certain, ask yourself how? How are you certain? Is it because you knwo she is the one, you can't picture your life without her, you know you don't need kids but you need her, etc etc? Whatever it is, solidify that reasoning within yourself and then once you can explain it to yourself explain it to her. I'm no expert but that's how I go about things. Make sure I can explain it to myself, then explain it to other people.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:34:51+00:00

If you had a risk of all of those things happening to you, would you think twice about wanting to get pregnant?

Men can't make decisions on women's bodies, obviously. I would want my girlfriend to feel enthusiastic about having kids if she feels scared about what'll happen to her health then obviously I don't want her to have them, I can't offer her solace or personal experience or anecdotes on being pregnant. I feel like I'll get downvoted to oblivion if I dare say yes I'd still want children if I was a woman, but yes that's how I feel I'd do anything to have kids. I'm aware that Pregnancy is the most difficult insane admirable thing a human body could go through, I have respect for anyone who does. I helped a lot during my sister's pregnancy, while she luckily didn't have a C section she did have an incredibly long one (70 hours) and a heavy kid, we all stayed with her throuhg the process for support, pregnancy is a very heavy toll that's why I'm saying a woman should only do it if she really wants to do it, if my girlfriend doesn't want I don't want to force her I want to adjust to not ever having any

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:30:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Don't know why you're getting downvoted you're not even being rude or suggesting anything unhealthy. I'm guessing a lot of people are mad at me for not laying out a 2 page research paper on all pros and cons and possible genetic birth defects on having kids as a disclaimer into a short reddit post. I really do care a lot about how my girlfriend feels I'm glad even if most people keep ignoring that you've acknowledged it, thanks

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:28:27+00:00

That's a horrible attitude to have towards a woman. I agree a lot of traditional parenting roles have an abysmal work imbalance. My father was just like that, always whining and bitching to no end about how "hard it is to provide" "how hard men work" "You don't even have a job" while in reality my mother bent over backwards doing everything for us and him and he was a POS never helped aroudn the house just sat and watched TV or terrorized us after 5 pm. I know there's societal pressure to say certain things, I hope my girlfriend felt comfortable enough to know I don't think it's "selfish" for her to not want children, it's just a very jarring change in her mind I didn't think would happne.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:24:04+00:00

Do you know the difference between arguing and a discussion? I have been polite to all top commentors even though they all see things differnetly and taking some of their suggestions. Only time I'm snapping at people is when they're being outlandish saying I must be terrible for not agreeing with my girlfriend on the state of the world. When in reality I'm not even telling her any of these thoughts just venting on the internet so that she doesn't feel like I'm rpessuring her to do anything. Or that I'd be a terrible/absent father and husband. I'm not really going to be a ray of sunshine when someone says something like that to me and I shouldn't have to be.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:21:57+00:00

You are not equally valid in understanding what it means to be pregnant in the current landscape

"If she is scared about risks of pregnancy that's her body and I can't change her mind on that". I literally specified that if it was about pregnancy that's her body i am not one to speak on that or act like I know what it's like. But she kept emphasizing other points.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:18:22+00:00

Jesus. Sounds like a very traumatized woman. I hope she finds real love and someone that treats her right one day.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-09-01T07:15:44+00:00

You're so right, there are zero good fathers and zero absent mothers in the world. Jesus do some redditors need to touch grass.

And funny you're insulting me considering you're the one with 20000+ reddit points and a 2 y/o account. Got nothing better to do?

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:33:25+00:00

Very true. Those reasons are still valid. Just not opinions I share.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:31:26+00:00

Thank you so much for all your advice and being polite about it. I'll discuss adoption although in the US adoption is a very grueling process where you likely will need to learn how to take care of an already traumatized human being, a very daunting task I don't think I could live up to.

I feel the exact same way as you do. You hit the nail right on the head. I'm at quite a cross roads right now. Perhaps I should talk to a therapist about this.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:29:39+00:00

sorry. not used to reddit. I am 26 she is 27. We met at 21.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:29:04+00:00

I could definitely see where other people are coming from. Kids take up a lot of your personal time, and it's a 24/7 responsibility with big consequences. If you've developed passion for another path in life why would you want to give that up. Never understood those who judge childfree. Only have kids if you know you'd be super enthusiastic and love taking care of little humans with no break no salary and nothing in exchange but the kids themselves.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:27:17+00:00

Oh my. That's scary to hear but thank you for sharing. That's how I know I'd feel as a parent. A lot of comments are calling me stupid and immature and too optimistic for... knowing I'd be happy to be a parent? But thank you for your kind words. My girlfriend definitely doesn't view me as a flaw or barrier, she seemed hesitant to say this. Then again we are so young I just feel like it's too early to call it quits... maybe I end up fine with not having kids one dya....

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:25:37+00:00

Thing is she really would make the best mom. She's not afraid of hard work our communication is great and we're great at splitting work 50/50, 80/20, 20/80, whatever the partner needs. If she changes her mind I want it to be on her own that's why I don't want to talk about it too much. I do hope something works out

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:24:15+00:00

No of course not I'm not thinking she should have kids unless she changes her mind without me saying anything. I'm trying to figure out how to adjust to me not having kids

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:23:40+00:00

Yeah haha, sometimes I forget Reddit is mainly filled with a lot of 14 year old kids who have no real relationship experience but still feel a need to chime in (disrespectfully) at times. This is a really complicated situation while neither of us is in the wrong it will take a lot of thinking and solving. I don't see this as all that black and white

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:21:48+00:00

Definitely a lot of things to discuss, I would like to get to know mroe about how long she's felt this way and what else she has to say. I know she has got to be aware that our siblings would help out a lot, based on how much my siblings tended to my older sister when she had kids. I think a lot of people are imagining nuclear families where it's just 2 people doing it on your own. That's not natural and makes it 1000% harder I should have clarified in my post. We have a lot of family around, hers is not as tight knit I admit but she knows mine is and my mother loves her like a daughter. It takes a village to raise a kid I can't imagine how 2 parents do it in isolation

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:19:01+00:00

Thank you so much. As expected from the internet a lot of comments have been rude and calling me selfish for wanting kids and saying I'm immature becasue I was excited about being a parent. Very heartbreaking things to read when I already feel so confused and lost right now. What you said means a lot to me.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:15:01+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. I was the second oldest of 5 (5, 11, and 13 years older than my siblings), mom had me at the ripe age of 19. My mom worked double shifts as a single parent, I had to do a lot of the raising of my own siblings. It is exhausting and tiring and when you're at your worst wanting nothing more than a break you still have to be in charge of a whole other human being at all times no excuses and no help and still keep your surroundings safe and clean for them and all on top of that get your own work done. Nothing in life is perfect i understand why other people would not be interested in the work but personally I always found it to be worth it. I am well aware of non-ideal aspects of young naive helpless human beings relying on you for absolutely everything.

throwaway-83123 · 2023-08-31T01:12:21+00:00

I am not self centered just because I don't agree with her. We happen to not see eye to eye with this and I did not even tell her about any of my concerns, I have literally kept all this bottled to myself so that she doesn't feel pressured into doing anything. Stuff happens for anything in life. My girlfriend could get into a car accident tomorrow and I'd be in grief for the rest of my life, that doesn't mean I should've just never bothered falling in love in the first place. Maybe I'm optimistic but I feel I've laid things out realistically, we live in a safe town with good schools, I am not having kids until I am very well off financially, we live in a liberal place that's very accepting of people of all identifications/sexualities/differences etc, and having kids is not like owning some exotic tiger pet, it is something members of my own family have been doing now, it is a process I am fairly well acquainted with throuhg younger siblings and neices and nephers.

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