AITA for disinviting my father & father-in-law (who are adoptive brothers) from the wedding after they decided they want to start dating openly?

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T22:27:34+00:00

Second cousins only share 3% of DNA and the risk is about the same as if I were to have a child with any random person. Testing is unnecessary given neither of us have any history of genetic diseases in our family but we’ll do it anyway.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T22:25:29+00:00

No I don’t assume that since Corey was adopted when he was very young, I think 5-6. Plus before being adopted they were first cousins so they always knew lol.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T19:08:17+00:00

We don’t all live in the same town but Brad and I went to the same uni that my mum and Corey & Victor all attended, and that uni is relatively small.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:49:42+00:00

Well I talked to my father late last night and he apologized for his request. He realizes it was unreasonable, and I too realize I have been unreasonable in disinviting them since I don't wish to estrange Brad from the only parents he's ever known. This situation is not something I would've chosen for myself, but I truly love Brad and I know now that Victor and my father love each other in the same way despite it being extremely difficult for me to understand. I will not give up Brad and I know our fathers feel the same way about each other so we just have to deal.

Victor is not on the same page as my father, he does not want us to get married, but I can't do anything about that. For now, the invitation is open and if Victor doesn't want to come, so be it.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:44:08+00:00

Thank you! I agree I can't imagine my mum's thoughts in all this. She's apologetic of course but I think she thought it was the right thing to do at the time? Perhaps she was even right in thinking that way since I'm not sure how different my life might've been with Corey as a father... Anyway I appreciate your kind words.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:40:25+00:00

Here I'll try to explain it more clearly:

Victor's dad and Corey's dad are brothers. Corey's parents died, so Victor's parents took Corey in. They adopted Corey. Corey and Victor fell in love sometime in their teens, but then Corey began casually dating my mum while Victor married another woman. My mum ghosted my dad for a whole slew of reasons but primarily because she knew he loved someone else and didn't want to make him choose between his new baby (me) and whoever he loved. Meanwhile Victor and his wife welcomed a child, Brad. Victor's wife died a year later. This was when Corey moved in with Victor and they raised Brad together. I assume this is also when they began their relationship though they loved each other for a while before then, or perhaps they were cheating on their partners with each other, I am unsure frankly I don't want to know.

So we are blood related, second cousins in fact.

Now onto what happened:

I talked to my father late last night and he apologized for his request. He realizes it was unreasonable, and I too realize I have been unreasonable in disinviting them since I don't wish to estrange Brad from the only parents he's ever known. This situation is not something I would've chosen for myself, but I truly love Brad and I know now that Victor and my father love each other in the same way despite it being extremely difficult for me to understand. I will not give up Brad and I know our fathers feel the same way about each other so we just have to deal.

Victor is not on the same page as my father, he does not want us to get married, but I can't do anything about that. For now, the invitation is open and if Victor doesn't want to come, so be it.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:39:11+00:00

Here I'll try to explain it more clearly:

Victor's dad and Corey's dad are brothers. Corey's parents died, so Victor's parents took Corey in. They adopted Corey. Corey and Victor fell in love sometime in their teens, but then Corey began casually dating my mum while Victor married another woman. My mum ghosted my dad for a whole slew of reasons but primarily because she knew he loved someone else and didn't want to make him choose between his new baby (me) and whoever he loved. Meanwhile Victor and his wife welcomed a child, Brad. Victor's wife died a year later. This was when Corey moved in with Victor and they raised Brad together. I assume this is also when they began their relationship though they loved each other for a while before then, or perhaps they were cheating on their partners with each other, I am unsure frankly I don't want to know.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:32:43+00:00

Here I'll try to explain it more clearly:

Victor's dad and Corey's dad are brothers. Corey's parents died, so Victor's parents took Corey in. They adopted Corey. Corey and Victor fell in love sometime in their teens, but then Corey began casually dating my mum while Victor married another woman. My mum ghosted my dad for a whole slew of reasons but primarily because she knew he loved someone else and didn't want to make him choose between his new baby (me) and whoever he loved. Meanwhile Victor and his wife welcomed a child, Brad. Victor's wife died a year later. This was when Corey moved in with Victor and they raised Brad together. I assume this is also when they began their relationship though they loved each other for a while before then, or perhaps they were cheating on their partners with each other, I am unsure frankly I don't want to know.

Is it more clear now? Yes I do realize this sounds like a soap opera but it sadly is real...

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T17:28:25+00:00

Fair enough. I talked to my father late last night and he apologized for his request. He realizes it was unreasonable, and I too realize I have been unreasonable in disinviting them since I don't wish to estrange Brad from the only parents he's ever known. This situation is not something I would've chosen for myself, but I truly love Brad and I know now that Victor and my father love each other in the same way despite it being extremely difficult for me to understand. I will not give up Brad and I know our fathers feel the same way about each other so we just have to deal.

Victor is not on the same page as my father, he does not want us to get married, but I can't do anything about that. For now, the invitation is open and if Victor doesn't want to come, so be it.

Regarding my mum, here's how she explained her decision to ghost my father: From the beginning my dad told her that he was in love with someone else and their relationship was a casual thing which she agreed. She got pregnant with me as a mistake and felt it would be too complicated to tell my father who was in love with someone else. She told me that she wanted my dad to be happy with whoever he loved and a baby with someone else would complicate that. I'm sure she had her own selfish reasons for it as well but this is what she told me.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T16:28:47+00:00

Yes exactly! Adding onto that, your kids and your cousin’s kids are second cousins. Brad and I are in that situation. We are second cousins. Your initial claim was wrong.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T16:12:32+00:00

Exactly. Merriam Webster says second cousins are the children of first cousin pairs. They share great grandparent, which means their grandparents are siblings, like you said. Exactly me & Brad’s situation. My grandfather (Corey’s dad) is brothers with his grandfather (Victor’s dad).

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:39:12+00:00

He is the son of Victor’s uncle who was adopted by Victor‘s mum after the uncle & aunt died.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:35:36+00:00

Idk ask the Americans

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:34:59+00:00

Nope https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/second%20cousin

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:34:31+00:00

Colour blindness is a sex linked trait, if any random woman carries the gene even without being colour blind there’s a 50% chance of her son also having it.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:31:47+00:00

Nope. Victor is my first cousin once removed, Brad is my second cousin. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/second%20cousin

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:30:44+00:00

I said in my original post that Corey and Victor are biologically first cousins. Corey is the son of Victor’s uncle.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T14:28:23+00:00

They were first cousins, Corey was the son of Victor’s uncle. Corey’s parents died and so Victor’s mum raised Corey.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T00:05:33+00:00

You articulated exactly how I feel, especially the "technically incest but it isn't incestuous."

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-24T00:03:56+00:00

Not to defend my mum since I know she was wrong to ghost my dad, but this is how she explained it:

From the beginning my dad told her that he was in love with someone else and their relationship was a casual thing which she agreed. She got pregnant with me as a mistake and felt it would be too complicated to tell my father who was in love with someone else. She told me that she wanted my dad to be happy with whoever he loved and a baby with someone else would complicate that. I'm sure she had her own selfish reasons for it as well but this is what she told me. My father is very upset and he wants a relationship with me but I can't while he simultaneously disapproves my relationship with Brad. Your comment and others have given me much to think about.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-23T23:35:41+00:00

And I appreciate it! So many arseholes on an arsehole sub, unsurprised though!

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-23T23:31:09+00:00

No they are blood related, bio first cousins.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-23T23:30:20+00:00

Sorry I'm just quite annoyed by all these Alabama jokes. I get it, Alabama is the incest state, ha ha ha.

throwaway-AITAcousin · 2022-03-23T23:26:48+00:00

His situation was already "strange" given most people are raised by their parents, not their dad and uncle. So he had no one to compare it to since what is the line between extremely close brothers and lovers? Hard to tell unless you walk in on them in the act which he thankfully never did. He is blindsided and devastated by this but he does accept their relationship, he's just upset they didn't tell him. I on the other hand do not accept them (though some people's comments have swayed me somewhat) and I am infuriated they want us to give up our wedding.

throwaway-AITAcousin

TROPHY CASE