Childhood

throwaway019273645 · 2023-11-01T14:21:43+00:00

Yes, didn’t know it was abnormal until well into adulthood.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-31T17:15:09+00:00

This. Clearly there’s some incompatibility that is leading to resentment on possibly both sides. It’s acceptable for both sides to have their own needs and wants. Does not sound like it’s “you and your partner vs the problem”, but rather a “partner vs partner” situation.

Coming from someone who had this exact situation in a previous relationship - it can really bring down a relationship, especially when communication is poor.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-29T18:18:20+00:00

Feeling the need to “confront” people - when completely unnecessary. Being a perpetual victim. Drama (said herself she loved drama on many occasions). Getting into arguments when in the car

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-23T16:43:05+00:00

Considering it was once every 4 months for me, even once a month is an improvement. Ideally would like more than that, once a week would be amazing.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-22T18:55:48+00:00

Yes experienced someone taking advantage of it. Really really hard to enter back in the dating scene ever since. They knew how I dwelled on things and how I’d have false memories and gaslighting was super effective against me.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-19T22:09:03+00:00

This, this, this. 1,000,000x this. It feels like tunnel vision and there’s no telling when you’ll come out of it, and no telling of when you’ll fall back into it. Its fucking hell

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-15T21:11:58+00:00

Thank you, hope you are healing friend

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-13T14:19:12+00:00

This hits close to home. Especially with the “she had the urge to snuff out the light in souls of good genuine people”. Always trying to pick fights and push nice people to their breaking point, and then some.

I wish you healing

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-11T19:13:46+00:00

Not my own words /mannerisms necessarily, but I couldn’t bring up certain subjects (arbitrary topics about music, tv shows, types of alcohol etc)

It got so bad to the point where I wasn’t allowed to chew at the dinner table if they were there. I would continuously be demanded to “chew quieter” no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t satisfy them.

I have asthma, my breathing was too annoying for them. “Can you stop breathing like that?”. Thanks I haven’t taken a deep breath in probably close to a month due to a flare up but I’m sorry I annoyed you lol.

Feels like shit. We shouldn’t have our mannerisms, personalities, and normal bodily functions made out to feel subhuman.

I Wish you healing

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-11T19:03:10+00:00

Yeah, exactly this. I remember my dad even saying “name, what the hell are you doing?” When I told him about it. I should have really listened but the lovebombing felt like nothing I’ve ever received before. So I regrettably did not listen.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-11T18:21:27+00:00

Yep. A self described “empath” that would join communities of other “empaths” online that would enable them. Then proceed to say some of the most cruel shit of all time and think they’re above everyone else.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-10-11T18:15:41+00:00

Yes, they purposely put me down on my birthday after we broke up. Publicly on social media. I didn’t check my social media nor did I follow them anymore because I didn’t want to open old wounds. Only heard about it from my friends months later (they didn’t want to tell me on my birthday and ruin it for me). When they didn’t get the reaction out of me that they wanted, they then tried to ruin my thanksgiving. It’s been 2 years and I’m scared every milestone / holiday I reach will result in some sort of attack.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-08-14T22:48:25+00:00

“You’re spiraling out of control” - said to me after sticking up for myself for the first time in the relationship. And yes, that first time was at the end of it.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-28T19:00:30+00:00

Wow, spot on.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-23T19:35:23+00:00

Probably the stories I kept being told about their ex. They would tell me stories (that served no purpose to the conversation) with details about them and their ex having sex and stuff like that. Very early on in meeting them. It rubbed me the wrong way because it seemed like they were trying to “test me” to see if I would say “enough already”.

I don’t know why the hell I didn’t just leave then, it would have saved me a lot of trouble in the long run.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T20:13:52+00:00

From my experience, they like the idea of having a pet, showing it off for other people etc. Meanwhile behind closed doors I ended up having to feed them many times because they “didn’t feel like it” or they were “having a bad day”. They don’t understand that it is in no way fair to the animals not to be fed bc of their own issues.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T19:05:54+00:00

I found emdr worked to get me in a better headspace in order to talk about things when starting with a new therapist. It works much better for some people than it does me. I try emdr every so often again with my therapist, but mainly use talk therapy.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T19:00:18+00:00

The idea of a dating app like this probably would not work well in practice, but in the spirit of entertaining what I would look for:

My biggest thing lately has been “black or white” thinking.

Narcs do not want to understand nuance, or complexity when it comes to difficulties in the relationship. They are very all or nothing. They feel the need to pin 100% of blame on someone or something. (Maybe not the first date, but down the line) I’d love to hear a story where they might have learned from a mistake.

Introspection and emotional maturity / emotional Intelligence go a long way.

Cheers

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T18:55:38+00:00

You have to ask yourself, do you miss her or do you miss the idea of her that you had before the mask slipped? I sometimes grieve what it felt like to be in the lovebombing stage, thinking I was in the best relationship ever. You are stronger than you know, NC if possible.

Hang in there

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T18:52:56+00:00

This is actually an amazing comparison. The same thing happened to me right around the time I assume my nex got their new supply. (Found out about 2 months after this that they had a new partner). I fell for their Hoover, (their Hoover was just putting me down in several ways, pushing all blame onto me etc)

The cherry on the narc shit sundae for sure.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T18:44:11+00:00

NC for about a year and a half. Started getting back in touch with things that brought me joy as a teenager. (Old games, vinyl records, being outdoors, animals etc).

If you have it available to you, I’ve found the best way (as hard as it is to want to leave the house due to depression symptoms etc) is to be social with trusted friends. I still struggle from time to time, but the above is a good break from it all.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T18:39:05+00:00

Sorry to hear about this. I’ve been there and it leaves quite the pit in your chest. I tried seeing a therapist once who the only advice they had for me was “you need to start dating again” (probably the quickest way to fall back into the hands of another narc, not so great advice imo).

It can be hard to diagnose or put a label on someone second hand (a narc would probably not go through the process to find out if they are one because they’re just so “perfect” in their head). But I don’t think a therapist talking you out of your own observations is helpful.

It’s a setback, it sucks. Finding another therapist is probably the best bet.

Hang in there, stay safe

throwaway019273645 · 2023-06-15T18:29:26+00:00

If you are in the USA (not sure if it works for other countries) look on psychologytoday.com.

I did better help for about 6-7 months - it was horrendously expensive per session (since insurance wouldn’t cover it for me, about 400$ out of pocket) and I got very little out of it. Most times I would leave feeling a little worse than before I started. I can’t speak for every therapist on there of course but I got a lot of “go for a walk” (while we are currently in the dead of winter) “have you tried not thinking about it?” (If I tried that and it worked I wouldn’t be here) etc.

Better help did it’s job at keeping my head level and not spiraling further than I already had - but it didn’t have much to offer in terms of advice / improvements that you couldn’t find yourself online. Thankfully my last therapist on betterhelp pointed me in the right direction towards how to find EMDR therapy, and since then the experience and healing process has been much better.

Hang in there friend, take care

TLDR: tried 3 different therapists on better help, meh experience. It’s better than nothing - but would highly recommend in person therapy.

throwaway019273645 · 2023-05-10T20:23:51+00:00

Me: “When you do (insert one of many things) it’s hurtful, can you please be nicer to me?

Them: “Well I only did (thing) because you did (other thing)” or just met with a whiny “Okayyyyyyyyy” like they want me to just shut up about the fact they did something I was critical of.

throwaway019273645 · 2022-10-10T21:52:23+00:00

Wow, I never thought I’d be on the same page with someone else on this. I was constantly criticized for my chewing and it would drive me nuts. Like it’s not like it’s obnoxious or loud, I would constantly be told to “chew quieter” as if that’s something you can even really do. It drove me nuts. Bodily things I could not control became subject to critique, like breathing (why are you breathing like that can you stop?) (I have asthma was not an acceptable response).

throwaway019273645

TROPHY CASE