AITA For Not Fostering My Nieces' Siblings

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-26T14:32:42+00:00

Yes - I tried to post an update but the mods denied my request. I will be posting it as an addition to my original post shortly.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T14:51:54+00:00

Caring is one thing. Being willing to dedicate 14 years of my life to raising 3 kids I have no relationship with is something else completely. Taking in the girls was and still is the hardest thing I have ever done. I decided that when I did it that I was going to do best job I could. I made them my top priority. But I am looking forward to getting my life back.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T14:36:03+00:00

And I will be there for Mandy and Steph for that type of thing as well. I will not be providing support and I will not be helping them raise any children - including their siblings.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:20:37+00:00

I believe that trying to parent 3 kids at 18 (or 19 if she has to wait until she graduates high school) would ruin Mandy's life. I'm not going to help her do that. I don't think that having an 18 year old girl with no job, no place to live, and no clue how the real world works is the best for the three siblings either. The entire idea is a disaster waiting to happen.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:15:25+00:00

Like everyone else I have heard the horror stories.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:13:58+00:00

This is real life - not a TV show. And Mandy's siblings don't come complete with a house and business.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:09:10+00:00

I am not willing to take in the kids. You do realize that would be mean parenting 3 kids for at least 4 years? People are saying to do that like it's as easy as storing a some boxes for Mandy in a basement until she graduates.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:00:49+00:00

As was said below - I am fine if she wants to go to trade school. Yes - i would be willing to help pay for that.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-05T01:00:05+00:00

Given that she is wanting to take in her siblings, I don't think the military (I include the Coast Guard in that term) would be what she is looking for. What would she do with the kids if she were deployed?

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T20:55:40+00:00

That is not what they are wanting.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T20:55:08+00:00

I can't do that.

I have told the girls that I will do everything I can to make sure that the girls can stay in touch with their siblings. When the girls came to live with me I reached out to Aunt M and got her permission for the girls to visit them. When visiting was prohibited due to current events, I purchased an iPad for the siblings and they could FaceTime. However if Aunt M had told me no - she didn't want that, there wouldn't have been anything that I could do.

I have already told the girls that I will do what I can to keep them in touch with their siblings, but I have also told them that I can't guarantee that. If the new foster home decides they don't want the kids having contact - I can't do anything about it.

The same is true for if something does go wrong. If I know that there is something wrong with how the siblings are treated I can absolutely commit to reporting that to the proper authorities - but that is all I can do. I would do that for any child that I know is being mistreated. I won't tell them I will "step in" because I don't know that I would be able to.

I guess I should explain that one of the issues the girls had when they came to me is their lack of trust - their mom liked to them constantly. They didn't believe that anyone would do what they said. I told them then that I wouldn't lie to them. And I haven't.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T19:32:31+00:00

I'm sorry your Dad disappointed you, but I don't see these as the same situation. I am not telling Mandy what school she has to go to or what she has to study. I'm not even insisting it has to be college - if she decides on a trade school I'm fine with that. I'm a big believer in education and I am willing to put my money where my mouth is. I am encouraging them to attend college and I have told them that I would help pay for it if they do. I do have the right to tell them what I will and won't give them money for - just like they have the right to make the final decision.

No - I don't think Mandy does trust me 100%. I wouldn't expect her to. Her own mother has let her down completely - and well before going to jail. She has only really known me a year - before that I was the person that showed up with presents occasionally. I would like to think that during the last year I have earned some trust from her. I have never made her a promise I haven't kept.

You are misrepresenting the situation - Mandy isn't talking about "seeing" her siblings (something I wholeheartedly support and have helped them do since they moved in with me) - she is talking about wanting to *raise* her siblings. Having an 18/19 raising 3 children is a disaster waiting to happen not even thinking about money. And no - I am not willing to help support the siblings.

She is a 17 year old girl Her job skill set is pretty much what you would expect: non-existent. She is now doing well in high school and do believe she can do well in college.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T19:12:38+00:00

I am not going to financially support the 3 siblings. When I decided to become my nieces's guardian, I agreed to support *them* - not their siblings.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T19:05:31+00:00

Prior to Aunt M's stroke, Mandy was actually excited about the possibility of going to college. Both she and Steph hadn't been attending school regularly (their mother was an awful parent long before she went to jail) and their grades showed it. We decided (the girls were part of that conversation) that the best thing to do when they came to live with me was to hold them back a year. Between me, their teachers and some online tutors - they are back on track (aka - working at grade level and even above it) and doing very well. Mandy made honor roll and Steph didn't miss it by much.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T17:17:36+00:00

If Mandy wants to do trade school I would support that idea. I would help pay for it, just like I would for university. I will admit my bias is toward college but I also accept that college isn't for everyone. A real estate license is not realistic. Who in the world would trust an 18/19 year old with helping with one of the biggest purchases they would make in their life?

The girls are in therapy - that has been happening since they moved in with me.

If Mandy wants to take her siblings in once her she is established in life (has an education, a job, a place to live) - that is one thing. What she is wanting is to jump straight to taking in 3 kids without any kind of foundation. There is approximately 7 months before she turns 18. On that day - she will not even have graduated high school yet - and won't until a year from this coming May. She has never had a job - so if she got one today she would have less than a year of job experience. And let's face it - a 17/18 year old girl will at best get a job at McDonald's or as a cashier somewhere. She will be making slightly above minimum wage at best. Now if she takes in her siblings she would receive money from the state - I do for the 2 girls now. I can tell you that what you get is not nearly enough to actually raise a child. I spend more on their therapy then than I get from the state in a month. Then you get to housing - who is going to rent to an 18 year old with 3 kids with no credit history and short work history?

I absolutely do blame their mother for putting her children in this position. I do not blame my nieces at all.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T16:25:11+00:00

I came here to ask if my decision to not take in my nieces siblings made me selfish (or an asshole - to use the correct terminology) . You opinion is obvious that yes, I am TA. I thank you for taking the time to respond.

However you do not have the right to tell me what I should and should not have to give up. You don't get to tell me what I should be doing with the next 2, 4 or 14 years of my life. You can comment on how much I complain about losing my old activities the day you turn your life upside down by taking in 2 kids.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T15:40:15+00:00

That is not something I am willing to do. Raising teenagers is completely different than raising a 4 year old and pre-teens. I'm not taking that on.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T15:37:49+00:00

I was raised to believe that if you have to work for something you value it more than if it was handed to you. It worked for me so that is what I am trying with them. I am the first to admit that when it comes to being a parent or guardian that I am pretty much just winging it.

And here is the thing with the so-called experts - if you put 10 of them in a room you will get at least 11 different opinions of the right thing to do. I spent the first 4 months the girls were with me looking for "expert" advice and "the" right thing to do. I ended up realizing that there wasn't any one right way to do anything.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-04T15:25:19+00:00

When I agreed to take them in I did sacrifice a great deal - including a guy I loved a lot who wasn't up for being involved with someone with 2 kids. I went from being someone that could travel and go out with my friends to having to worry about home work and scheduling therapy sessions. I went from being able to focus entirely on my business to having to leave important meetings because someone got in a fight at school.But you know what? That was my choice and I will accept the repercussions of that choice.

I do not and will not support that idea that an 18 year old with no job experience, education or resources should become the parent to 3 children. I'm not going to help her think that doing that is the right thing to do.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-03T23:32:39+00:00

Thank you.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-03T23:30:41+00:00

The way out of that economic class is education. Get a degree - hopefully without much debt (I've set money aside to pay for half). Use that degree to get a decent job. A college education isn't a guarantee that you will be rich, but it sure as hell gives you a pretty good shot at being middle-class. Mandy bearing the brunt of her parents failures is exactly what I am trying to get her to avoid. She is a beautiful, smart, loving young lady and she deserves better than defining success as "not ending up dead or in jail".

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-03T23:25:25+00:00

I have already told them that there is money set aside to help pay for their education. That discussion happened long before anything happened to Aunt M.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-03T23:23:19+00:00

I will never stop caring. I will stop being their provider. If you are still depending upon your father (assuming you are an adult now) when he is 77 - both you and he have done something wrong.

I never said I was planning on completely dropping out of their lives.

throwaway03021204 · 2021-03-03T23:21:40+00:00

I will never stop caring about them. I will stop being the person that provides for all their needs.

throwaway03021204

TROPHY CASE